Death’s Love

The hardest post I’ve probably ever written.

How do you say good-bye to love that was lost to death? How can you put in words the thoughts, feelings or memories you once shared? The closest person that I’ve ever lost was my cousin, Brennan, aka Boo-Bop.

He was my best friend, brother, confident, cousin and personal cheerleader all rolled into one. We shared so many laughs, good-times and painful experiences. He was always there to console. I was too selfish to let go. Why?

Because cancer was slowly taking him away from me and I wanted him to keep up the painful treatments. I needed him. He was my anchor. Who was ever gonna love me like my cousin? No earthly person’s love could ever come close. Not even my husband’s. Boo and I were two peas in a pod. Nine months apart.

The love was immeasurable. The loss inconsolable. Losing one that you loved to death feels like having a piece of your soul ripped out and stomped on. Repeatedly. Until one day the pain lessens and you start to breathe again. Normal. Are you really ever normal afterwards?

My loss was life changing in more than one way. I knew my cousin was dying. I knew that I wouldn’t get over his death. God interceded and allowed me to get pregnant at this time. We were going through fertility treatments that had failed previously. We were struggling to maintain our marriage. I felt as though I was on a see-saw. Up and down. Up and down.

God stepped in and allowed me to get pregnant. I cried when they told me I was pregnant. I said, “Thank you God!” When they told me my due date was my cousin’s birthday, I cried hard. “I get it God”. I knew that I was having a boy. God was sending me another boy to love me without thought. To replace my cousin who was getting his wings.

The day my cousin was called home I felt my baby move for the first time. I thought something was wrong. It was too soon. I called my sister and she said, “Nope, your baby is freakishly huge. It’s not too soon.” We laughed. My mother called shortly after to say that my cousin, Boo-Bop, had died.

I lost my cousin to death. Nothing can replace that loss. But, God will always see you through your storms. You may not see it in the beginning but I promise you that you will be changed when it is over.

I was.