Just Stand

Hello Loves! Long time with no hear or read. I’ve missed all of you and I can’t thank you enough for your checking in on me during my long hiatus away from this blog. So many things have happened to me and I’ll be sharing more about it in the coming weeks. It was crazy how many people found me on FaceBook or even reached out on Instagram and Twitter with concern. You just don’t know how wonderful you made me feel.

Nothing is wrong, I’m just juggling my hectic life and preparing for court next week. We’ll talk more about that later. But, what has been going on with me? So much has happened these last four months.  I had a woman on my staff pass away in September. She was an amazing woman who was a great staff member with an eagle eye for detail. I thanked God every day that I had inherited someone so detail oriented and knowledgeable with systems.

With her being gone, my team and I entered our busy season and tried to deal with the loss and get things done. I am happy to say that we did. My team is great and I’m thankful for all of them. Even when I’m not there they still get the job done.

Munch entered fifth grade this year. It is an adjustment because he now has 3 main teachers. His homeroom teacher teaches science to all 5th graders and social studies and health to Munch’s class. He has a math teacher that teaches math to all the 5th graders and a French teacher for oral and written communication and French reading. He’s struggling in math and French and I’ve put him in private tutoring. So, we are at the center 4 nights a week to make sure that he’s staying on level.  Do you know how hard that is?

French is crazy because the words that he is supposed to know at 10 have grown. Not just in French but in English. Many nights are spent going to dictionary.com to look up the word’s meaning and explaining it in English and then researching it in French. We’re trying to use it in a sentence to further his understanding and I feel so unprepared. Let’s just say that French this year has been hard work. However, with all that I’m proud that Munch is putting forth his best effort and I’m proud to report that he has earned a 3.4 for his 1st quarter. These teachers are so patient with me because I’m emailing every two weeks with questions, comments or concerns.

With so many things happening I still found time to grant write for the school’s PTA and just enjoy life. I’m still single which is crazy because I haven’t gone on one date since Mr. C and I broke up. I’m just not emotionally ready. Not that I’m still trying to get back with him it’s just that I have a lot going on and I’m not mentally ready to let another man in my space right now. It could be the cold weather too. LOL. I have no idea. But, I’ll be back on the dating scene in 2019.

I’m active in my sorority and just enjoying this thing called life. Christmas is in 20 days and I’m done shopping. Can you believe it? Munch still believes in Santa and I’m happy the magic continues one more year. I’ve reconnected with old friends and created new friends who have encouraged my soul beyond regard. My FaceBook friends and I actually met this summer. We had a ball.

Finally, I need to stand still. I’m learning to be more thoughtful and just stand in the midst of chaos and allow God to give me peace when all hell is breaking loose around me. 2018 has been one for the books, but I’m reflecting on how I’m approaching my 44th year next month and there are still so many things to do and so many things to say. I’m praying that the words will flow freely and I can let you into this brain that won’t shut off some nights. Bear with me.

How have you been old friend?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

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Ghost

I had a dream last night with my ghost.

We were running in a field of wildflowers.

Big

Open

Majestic

We were laughing and playing.

Like old times.

We paused.

Laid down in the wild flowers.

He held my hand while I cried.

I told him about my dreams that were unfilled

My hopes that had died

My bones that had been broken

My tears yet to fall

He smiled

He whispered five words

in my ear.

I was comforted by his presence.

Renewed by his encouragement.

I awoke knowing that I would get through

this life.

No matter what may come I know he meant it

when he whispered

“Never Stop Believing In You”

This post is part of the Daily Prompt. The word was ghost

Death’s Love

The hardest post I’ve probably ever written.

How do you say good-bye to love that was lost to death? How can you put in words the thoughts, feelings or memories you once shared? The closest person that I’ve ever lost was my cousin, Brennan, aka Boo-Bop.

He was my best friend, brother, confident, cousin and personal cheerleader all rolled into one. We shared so many laughs, good-times and painful experiences. He was always there to console. I was too selfish to let go. Why?

Because cancer was slowly taking him away from me and I wanted him to keep up the painful treatments. I needed him. He was my anchor. Who was ever gonna love me like my cousin? No earthly person’s love could ever come close. Not even my husband’s. Boo and I were two peas in a pod. Nine months apart.

The love was immeasurable. The loss inconsolable. Losing one that you loved to death feels like having a piece of your soul ripped out and stomped on. Repeatedly. Until one day the pain lessens and you start to breathe again. Normal. Are you really ever normal afterwards?

My loss was life changing in more than one way. I knew my cousin was dying. I knew that I wouldn’t get over his death. God interceded and allowed me to get pregnant at this time. We were going through fertility treatments that had failed previously. We were struggling to maintain our marriage. I felt as though I was on a see-saw. Up and down. Up and down.

God stepped in and allowed me to get pregnant. I cried when they told me I was pregnant. I said, “Thank you God!” When they told me my due date was my cousin’s birthday, I cried hard. “I get it God”. I knew that I was having a boy. God was sending me another boy to love me without thought. To replace my cousin who was getting his wings.

The day my cousin was called home I felt my baby move for the first time. I thought something was wrong. It was too soon. I called my sister and she said, “Nope, your baby is freakishly huge. It’s not too soon.” We laughed. My mother called shortly after to say that my cousin, Boo-Bop, had died.

I lost my cousin to death. Nothing can replace that loss. But, God will always see you through your storms. You may not see it in the beginning but I promise you that you will be changed when it is over.

I was.