I’m going through a culling in 2019. I realized it towards the end of last year and it has been kind of scary, yet rewarding. There was a shift in the atmosphere and I needed to make some changes. Unaware that I was going through this I started to get anxiety. I knew that there were some things that I wasn’t going to do in 2019. One of those things was letting people take up space in my garden of life.
Life was precious. Friendships mattered to me. People mattered to me. But, I realized that some of the same people that “loved and supported me” weren’t giving our friendship the energy or time that I was giving it. I didn’t know what had changed. I wanted us to get back on track or at least try before I dug up the weeds of the dead relationship and recycled it for someone else’s life.
I wanted to talk it out because I believed in communication. Sometimes it can be too much for a person, but talking really helps me to get out what I’m feeling and to let the other person respond. But, what happens when there is no response? You move on.
I no longer wait for people to tell me what I did if they stop talking to me. However, I believe that if I should ever end relationships I want you to know what’s going on. I’m not going to ghost on our friendship. Nor do I block or unfollow you on social media. Life’s too short and if you were in my circle you know my son so you can still get updated on him. But, not everyone thinks like me. I’ve had some people unfollow me on social media because their feelings were hurt. Okay, I’m sorry. We’re grown. Carry it how you want to.
So, I had this angst in my spirit because I had this friend named Rev. C. Cool guy. We dated briefly. Remained friends. At least in my mind he was a genuine friend. Yes, he was a was a minister. Another lifetime of knowing him and going through divorces had allowed us to grow closer. I am not a cut out to be a minister’s wife. I love God, but I’m authentic in knowing that I’m probably one of his problem children. He still loves me though and I’m in awe of his mercy.
Back to the story. Rev C and I were two sides of the same coin. Cool and collected. Friends who respected each other and checked in. For the last couple of years he’s mentioned that he wanted another chance and I declined that conversation with a quickness. I’ve never gone backwards. I just wanted to be his friend. I valued who he was and respected his opinions but I was not going to date him. Our friendship was easy. We called, texted and checked on each other. We care what was happening in each other’s lives.
Until I noticed that a pattern developed. He would never answer my calls and then randomly text me some BS like “Hey love”. What the hell? Nope, man. We don’t do that BS. So I would choose to either ignore or respond with some trite BS to get him to see that he’s being a d*ck of a friend.
Okay, I now know that you can’t do that with men. You have to communicate what you’re feeling. They are not mind readers. Or at least that is what I’m learning. A couple of weeks ago I decided to have the conversation with him. Again. This was like the 3rd time in the last couple of years that I had to tell him to get his life and stop drinking the communion wine because he has me all the way f*cked up. I’m not like your ministry groupies. I’m your friend.
I expressed my concerns and told him that I can’t do this anymore. That I’m going through a culling season and he’s obviously a dead weed in my garden that needed to go. I explained how I call and get no answer or a return call for weeks and that I genuinely cared about what happened. The disappearing acts don’t speak of friendship but rather acquaintances as how can you be friends with someone who isn’t checking for you.
He accepted it and mumbled something about how he’s checked out on a couple of people and it isn’t personal. He’s just been busy. Really? Doing what? You’re not at the church 24/7. You have time. People make time for what they want right? People make time to text or send a ‘I’m doing good friend’ or ‘I need your prayers because I’m going through it’ or how about ‘I’m praying for you because God knows all and sees all’. Nada communication.
Instead there was silence. No contact. No nurturing our friendship. Just good bye. We hung up the phone and I realized that we had changed or maybe I just changed. I no longer choose to accept mediocrity and call it friendship. I value what I have. I wanted people that did the same.
You know what’s funny? On Valentine’s Day I saw that he was in a new relationship. The woman had posted photos of them and referred to him as her future husband. Someone special had captured his heart and attention and they were sharing it on social media.
I realized at that moment that I’m not his friend. My friend would have been happy to share with me that he found love and happiness. Because that’s what real friends do.
If you’re interested in being a guest blogger, please send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.