Continued from last week’s post: Jacob’s Girl – Part 3
My new love had changed places with Jacob, I was addicted to him. Addicted to the parties, friends and great times we had. It was in those times that I didn’t think of Jacob. Jacob faded away in the back of my mind. I had a new life. I lived a fun life in NYC far away from Jacob’s reach. But I didn’t know that I belonged to Jacob. That I had signed my soul to him long ago and that any relationship would only be temporary because I was and would always be Jacob’s girl. His girl? Hell, he didn’t even want me, yet I still craved him. I needed him. I prayed for him all the time hoping that he would never stop loving me. I prayed that he was okay and being the great father to Adam that he was destined to be. See, Jacob was a king. My king and my king could only raise his prince to be as wonderful as him, a leader of nations and a lover of many. I prayed for them both. I cried for him when I was all alone. Jacob. My Jacob.
It was the day of my wedding and Jacob was on my mind and in my spirit. I was unsure of this. Should I marry my love? I loved him, but not like Jacob. Jacob was mine and I was his. I belonged to him even after all these years. I hadn’t seen Jacob and I was scared. I was scared that Jacob would see me and know that I was bullshitting. Jacob could look into my eyes and see the mask I was wearing. Jacob would see that I was still his girl. I sat there in my wedding gown and veil and wondered aloud was I making a mistake? I still loved Jacob and yearned for Jacob. I played the tape over and over in my head and decided that I had to stop living in the past because Jacob would never want me like I wanted him. Jacob would never let me bear his descendants and give him heirs. I was nothing more than the town whore when I was with Jacob. Never to be his one and only queen. I pulled down my veil and walked into my future.
Life moved forward and Jacob was always in my thoughts. He was in my special place when I felt trapped and I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. He was in the common things that I did and the people I saw. I still wanted and loved Jacob. I was content in my marriage, but struggled to find my identity. I felt myself changing and morphing into someone new. Not someone bad, but someone who didn’t look like me. I became a shell trying to figure out what to do with my life. I subconsciously started to destroy my marriage because I wanted to be me. I was drowning and I couldn’t take it. I lost myself and it was at night that I felt it the most.
My new love wanted perfection in his marriage and he wanted children bad. He wanted me to bear his fruit. To give him his own kings and queens that would someday rule. He wanted me to carry his seed. I became scared. Scared of the fact that I didn’t know what kind of mother I would make and scared that I would be cheating on Jacob. I never imagined carrying anyone seeds but Jacob’s. My womb like my heart belonged to Jacob.
Jacob and I grew apart, the calls became fewer and Jacob had no idea the pain I was in. I had no idea, the reason Jacob chose the hood life over the good life, but he did. When I became pregnant with my love’s seed, I was ecstatic. I never knew how much I wanted to be a mother until it happened. My own little king was growing in my womb and I felt blessed. Blessed that I wasn’t damaged to the point of no return. Blessed that God made me whole. I wanted my baby more than my own life and set out about protecting his spirit for as long as I could. I saw Jacob only once during my pregnancy and it was in that one moment that I wished my baby’s father was Jacob. Not because I didn’t love my husband, but my spirit and soul belonged to Jacob. I knew that Jacob would protect us. Jacob would love this little one more than life itself. Jacob would love me. He would have Jacob’s eyes, lips and personality. Jacob squeezed my hand and said, “I will always be here for you and your baby.” That was my undoing. I knew in that moment that the bond we had would never be broken. Only in death would Jacob not be a part of my life. Only in death could I no longer love or want him. Jacob was my life force. Jacob was the magnet that kept me grounded to this Earth.
-To Be Continued-