Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

Last month, Steve Harvey faced major criticism from the black community for meeting with #45. Lines were drawn in November when the election was over.  Black people didn’t want other black people to cross them when it comes to 45. Black people are mobilizing in multitudes when it comes to interacting with 45. They don’t want people crossing the lines. Especially people of color (POC).

Right or wrong it’s happening. The fact of the matter is that 45 hasn’t given POC a reason to believe that he gives a crap about us. We’re in a new America and we’re not sure how to navigate it. We take it day by day. So, when Steve Harvey decided to meet with 45 it sent shock waves to the black community. Why would he do that? He’s been very vocal about his support of Hillary Clinton so why would he meet with 45?

The backlash was horrific. Harvey couldn’t stop talking about it on his radio show for days. I was getting tired of tuning in. You met with him and you felt like it was a good meeting. Oh, well. But, let’s move on with the morning program. It’s over.

It doesn’t matter where you stand on the issue. My point is giving you background for why my post is titled “Do Multiple Marriages Matter?” One of the critics that was loud about Steve Harvey was Tony Rock. He’s a comedian and Chris Rock’s brother. Tony Rock was upset and made the following comment about Steve ““This n****r wrote a book on dating! You on your third wife, homie!””

I definitely don’t agree with the language Tony is using, but the question that always seems to bother me is whether or not we discredit people who’ve been married multiple times? Does it matter to you? Do you believe that a person who has been married more than once can advise you on dating or marriage?

I often wonder will people see the advice I give out in regards to marriage and divorce as not reality because my marriage failed. It doesn’t matter one way or the other to me because I know too many people that have had extra marital affairs, STD’s and children fathered outside of their marriage and are faking it for the fans on social media. Those people couldn’t suggest to me where to get a good steak dinner. This is one of the things you learn in therapy…

Healthy relationships.

Many divorced people realize that they were in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes after they are married. Should they stay in them? Would you take your advice from someone whose been married 25 years over someone who was married for 20 and is divorced?

The key is not just to get married but to stay married. Sometimes you have to grow and learn yourself before you find the key to your happiness. Does that exempt you from giving advice on dating or marriage?

In my opinion, I think it makes you more qualified to speak about what you went through, how you overcame and any learning nuggets you would offer. All those can be valuable.

People want to know about your trials and how you overcame. People also need honesty. No marriage is perfect, but we don’t want those that are truly unhappy in a marriage and faking it either. We need a kindred spirit that says “I’ve been there and you too can get through this.” I said this to a marriage counselor one time.

My ex husband and I were living in NYC and seeing a marriage counselor. It was our first year and we were struggling. My friends didn’t provide much help so we decided to see a professional. She was very nice. Smart. She seemed to get us.

Problem was…she’d never been married. So, she could speak on textbook but not experience. It’s different when you’re married and your emotions are in it. You need someone who says “Look girl, I’ve been there and you can get through this.”But, she couldn’t.

Do you need someone who has only been married once to give you advice or would you take advice from anyone that has been married even multiple times? Can they give you both dating advice and marriage advice?

Talk to me.

 

 

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For Better or Worse and Addiction

Okay, yes I’m a celebrity (in my head) and I follow news of some of my favorite celebs like we’re best friends (sssh, don’t tell anyone) so it was a shock for me to read that my BFF (I told you I’m pressed) Khloe Kardashian Odom had called off her divorce to Lamar Odom. Why, I screamed? He’s an addict girl! You can’t fix him. Hell, Iylana Vanzant can’t fix him! You deserve better!

And then I paused.

Marriage is supposed to be forever right? I mean don’t vows say in sickness and in health? I mean does sickness include addictions where the person doesn’t believe that they have a problem. What if they never want to get help? Many addicts don’t see it as a problem. They can handle it.

But, when you addiction destroys your family then how the heck are you handling it? I mean I know love is supposed to transcend all, but is it reality that you stay with the person that is destroying you and your relationship? I don’t know. I wouldn’t stay if the person doesn’t want to get help. I mean Khloe covered up the lies for so long until the women started coming out talking about his affairs and his drug use publicly. She took the criticism.

She fought for her marriage. She left. She dated other people. She delayed and prayed that he would get help and hoped for a reconciliation. It didn’t happen. So, she filed for divorce. She still loved him. That love was reconfirmed when he overdosed at a brothel earlier this month. She flew to be by his side because she loved him and was still legally his wife.

She decided to fight for her marriage again and call off the divorce. Fight for the man that she loved. Fight for him as he geared up to fight his demons. The same demons that keep him trapped in a perpetual cycle of addiction. Lamar has a long road ahead of him and Khloe is fighting for her man, but she’s not naive. She’s in love. She wants her marriage. She wants that man. I just pray that this addiction doesn’t destroy her.

I will openly admit that I’m not as strong as Khloe. I grew up in a home with an addict and addiction is no place for a child. My dad is still an addict. I am an adult now and will fight for my dad, but a child should never have to endure that so I get where Khloe is coming from. I pray that she can stay the course and I pray that Lamar gets the help he needs.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian
Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian