Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

Last month, Steve Harvey faced major criticism from the black community for meeting with #45. Lines were drawn in November when the election was over.  Black people didn’t want other black people to cross them when it comes to 45. Black people are mobilizing in multitudes when it comes to interacting with 45. They don’t want people crossing the lines. Especially people of color (POC).

Right or wrong it’s happening. The fact of the matter is that 45 hasn’t given POC a reason to believe that he gives a crap about us. We’re in a new America and we’re not sure how to navigate it. We take it day by day. So, when Steve Harvey decided to meet with 45 it sent shock waves to the black community. Why would he do that? He’s been very vocal about his support of Hillary Clinton so why would he meet with 45?

The backlash was horrific. Harvey couldn’t stop talking about it on his radio show for days. I was getting tired of tuning in. You met with him and you felt like it was a good meeting. Oh, well. But, let’s move on with the morning program. It’s over.

It doesn’t matter where you stand on the issue. My point is giving you background for why my post is titled “Do Multiple Marriages Matter?” One of the critics that was loud about Steve Harvey was Tony Rock. He’s a comedian and Chris Rock’s brother. Tony Rock was upset and made the following comment about Steve ““This n****r wrote a book on dating! You on your third wife, homie!””

I definitely don’t agree with the language Tony is using, but the question that always seems to bother me is whether or not we discredit people who’ve been married multiple times? Does it matter to you? Do you believe that a person who has been married more than once can advise you on dating or marriage?

I often wonder will people see the advice I give out in regards to marriage and divorce as not reality because my marriage failed. It doesn’t matter one way or the other to me because I know too many people that have had extra marital affairs, STD’s and children fathered outside of their marriage and are faking it for the fans on social media. Those people couldn’t suggest to me where to get a good steak dinner. This is one of the things you learn in therapy…

Healthy relationships.

Many divorced people realize that they were in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes after they are married. Should they stay in them? Would you take your advice from someone whose been married 25 years over someone who was married for 20 and is divorced?

The key is not just to get married but to stay married. Sometimes you have to grow and learn yourself before you find the key to your happiness. Does that exempt you from giving advice on dating or marriage?

In my opinion, I think it makes you more qualified to speak about what you went through, how you overcame and any learning nuggets you would offer. All those can be valuable.

People want to know about your trials and how you overcame. People also need honesty. No marriage is perfect, but we don’t want those that are truly unhappy in a marriage and faking it either. We need a kindred spirit that says “I’ve been there and you too can get through this.” I said this to a marriage counselor one time.

My ex husband and I were living in NYC and seeing a marriage counselor. It was our first year and we were struggling. My friends didn’t provide much help so we decided to see a professional. She was very nice. Smart. She seemed to get us.

Problem was…she’d never been married. So, she could speak on textbook but not experience. It’s different when you’re married and your emotions are in it. You need someone who says “Look girl, I’ve been there and you can get through this.”But, she couldn’t.

Do you need someone who has only been married once to give you advice or would you take advice from anyone that has been married even multiple times? Can they give you both dating advice and marriage advice?

Talk to me.

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

  1. To be honest, some of the best advice comes from people with multiple marriages. They know what does not work. They have wisdom that can only be gained through that painful process. That being said, people only married once can have good advice, too. I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have something to add to the pot. Most of the time.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think it depends. like you said, do you trust someone who has been married for 25 years or someone who is 20 and divorced. I don’t really look to friends my age for advice unless they’ve been married for longer than i (just because we’re still in our 20s and everyone is so flippant with relationships in my generation). My best friend is divorced and remarried-she left someone who was emotionally abusive, a thief, and really great at neglect and deceit. My HUSBAND is divorced and remarried (biblical reasons). I take their advice, I consider them to know what is good (especially my husband 🙂 ). My mom was married 3 times and engaged 2 more, I don’t take her advice as easily- I need to know that the person who is sharing advice with me shares the same values I do. Divorce is not an option to me and never will be. Moving on is not an option. We work through our problems together, no matter what- I can’t take advice from someone who values relationships differently than I- our end result isn’t the same. Does that make sense? It DOES matter to me what a person’s past is, but not in a judgy way, I just need to know that we have the same values when seeking for input.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This one really touched me on a lot of levels. I am a Black woman and I am married for the 3rd time. I was divorced once and widowed once. My current husband has the same history in his life. My first marriage failed because we were both kids when we got married because we were pregnant, not because we were in love. My second marriage was truly made in heaven, but he was diagnosed with cancer before our second anniversary and died before our fifth anniversary. The loss of that relationship nearly broke me completely, but the love of extended family and friends brought me back to life. My current marriage is not wonderful, but we are finally getting along after years of battles. We are able to live in peace with each other.

    The questions is can I offer marriage advice to others? You bet I can. I have a life time of experience with men and marriage and I sure know what NOT to do. The advice that my brother Steve Harvey offers is right on the money and he also has a life time of experience with what NOT to do.

    Now, to address the issue of — #45 –. I am embarrassed and ashamed that our president is being referred to by such a demeaning term. I agree that his behavior leaves an awful lot to be desired, but 2 wrongs have never equaled a right, not now, not ever. If we want to be respected we must behave in a respectful manner. Anyone who refers to our president in such a dis-respectful manner is doing exactly what they are accusing him of doing. That solves nothing because you have brought yourself right down to his level. I really can’t find anything that he has said or done that I approve of, but I would never call him outside of his name.

    Please take this to heart and rise above his immaturity to be an example for our children of what is right and not what is wrong.

    Blessings,
    EA

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for your comment. I believe that married, divorced and widowed people can offer advice. I want people who speak from an authentic place to advise. Not people that know that they should be divorced and counsel. Steve speaks from experience. I can’t take that away from him. We all have experiences that are good or bad and have hopefully learned from them. Sharing that knowledge only empowers us to know that we have been there and done that and the lessons learned.
      In response to the comment about 45. Please understand that I disagree about calling him by his name. I’m not calling him out of his name or the thousands of other names that are floating around. We like to believe that respect is mutual but in many cases, it is not. I grew up in the South. I know what it is like for my elderly grandmother to refer to someone no older than me by Ma’m and they call her by her first name. That’s not respectful. I learned many lessons from those experiences and one was that I don’t feel the need to lie or give something that is not given. I’m not calling you out of your name. I just don’t use his name. I have accepted that the next 4 years will be hard for everyone. But, I will not call him by his name. This has never been the case in any other elected official. I had more respect for other Republicans who led this country than him. Trust me…he doesn’t care about me or the millions of others around the world. I read this on Facebook the other day and I think it reflects how I feel and have been acting:

      If you are truly opposing the newly elected President
      Good strategies to apply:
      1 – Don’t use his name.
      2 – Remember this is a regime and he’s not acting alone.
      3 – Do not argue with those who support him–it doesn’t work.
      4 – Focus on his policies, not his orange-ness and mental state.
      5 – Keep your message positive; they want the country to be angry and fearful because this is the soil from which their darkest policies will grow.
      6 – No more helpless/hopeless talk.
      7 – Support science, artists and the arts.
      8 – Be careful not to spread fake news. Check it.
      9 – Donate to organizations with a history of effectively fighting for our rights.
      10 – Buy from and support corporations that reject his policies. Let the others know clearly why you’re rejecting them.
      11 – Take care of yourselves.

      We can stand divided on this issue, but know that I am not giving up on doing what is right. This country is divided and 45 wants us to stay that way. But, respect is given when it is earned. Nothing in the last 3 weeks has been earned including the newly elected head of the Department of Education.

      Like

  4. Perhaps….maybe…mehhhhh….like. It’s not an even tilt for me on this one. I’m leaning more towards no…I could visualize someone who was married, divorced one time having some good advice. But 2, 3, and 4 times….at this point, I would wonder was there anything that particular person learned from the last marriage to help keep the 2nd marriage going. I would also want to speak to both spouses. 2 different perspectives on the same situation from the people directly involves helps to shine a light on the correct issues and create a whole picture.

    I understand there are lessons in every experience, but taking multiple losses in a covenant and promise like marriage, with different people…that doesnt sit well with me and that particular person would maybe be my go to for what not to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting. What if they were married 3 times? The first when they were 18 because they were pregnant and the second their husband died and now the third? Would that be different? Also, in speaking to both spouses wouldn’t you want that from someone who is on their first marriage? Asking deep questions…has their ever been infidelity? children outside of your marriage? abuse? Many people don’t know who they are before they rush to the alter and have unhealthy marriages. However, if someone has been married 3 times and they have been married over 20 years would their opinion be valid then? Maybe it took the third time to find out what’s right? I don’t know. I think a lot of times people don’t truly know the person that they are marrying and they think that they will change. That’s unrealistic. If you can’t love the thing that annoys you for the rest of your life then don’t marry them. Be true to you. The bling isn’t that important.

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  5. Sis, what a compelling post. I was married 3 months shy of forty years. Would I be the one to give advice? NEVER. I had no idea that there was only one person in that farce of a marriage. If I gave any advice, it would be to never trust a man. That of course, is advice that I would never advise anybody to heed….if that makes any sense. I wanted to say that to my daughters before they got married but I couldn’t parlay my grief over being an idiot, into a legitimate reason that they shouldn’t have a shot at happiness.
    My mama and daddy were married until the day my daddy died but I never saw any affection between them. No hugs or kisses. Just a lot of screaming…about me.
    On the Steve Harvey thing. I did hear some scuttlebutt about that but I rarely watch the national news and I never discuss politics. I’ve always liked Steve and I can’t speculate as to his reasoning to meet Mr. Trump. I will say that I don’t like what Tony Rock said about him. There’s no room in my world for that word….I don’t care who says it.
    Now…if you need advice on how to open a bottle of Boost? I’m your gal. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LMAO. A bottle of Boost? Sis, you do raise valid points…you felt like you were the only one in your marriage, your husband betrayed you and you were grieving so you couldn’t offer advice to your daughters that may ruin their chance at happiness. Those are key points. There are people that have been married and are divorced because they were in similar situations. If they go on and find happiness with another man why wouldn’t their opinion matter. I definitely think you could write practical advice about what women should do before and during their marriage to try to ensure they don’t get screwed. I hope you write those tips.

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      1. I think all opinions matter. We each have our own unique story. Some of us are open to love again. Some of us have been emotionally murdered.
        There are couples who got married, it didn’t work out and they parted on the best of terms. Others kill each other.
        I guess I could give tips about what it’s like to be married to a narcissistic mama’s boy…and how to recognize it before it destroys you.
        And the Boost? Ha. It’s what I live on.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Your counselor could probably identify unhealthy behaviors but I think you’re right – unless she’s had a long-term relationship of her own, she’s not going to understand some things.
    I’ve been divorced after a long marriage. I learned a lot in being married a long time, and I learn a boat-load in going through a divorce. I am still learning in my new marriage to a great man.

    I think the trick with advice from anyone is this: my late mother-in-law, may she rest in peace, gave me tons of advice when I had my baby daughter. Some of it was good. Some of it was terrible. Some was out-dated thinking, but I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her. I also didn’t want to cut off a stream of good advice out of a notion that I knew better because I was better educated. I might have been, but I’d never been a mother. So I listened to all she had to say, smiled sweetly and said something like, “Isn’t that interesting! I’ll make note of that.” Then I did what I felt best, sometimes, it was what she’d advised. Often it was not. But we always loved and respected each other.

    That’s a long way ’round saying everyone has advice to give, but it’s up to us to apply the right stuff to our own issues. And that can be tricky, always.

    On multiple marriages…. I can forgive anyone a “young and dumb” marriage. When we’re very young, it’s easy to be in love with the idea of marriage rather than the reality. Hopefully, one comes at the next one wiser, and more aware that marriage takes work. But it’s worth it!

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  7. I agree with taking advice from people whose values align with yours. However, it doesn’t matter to me how many times that person was married. I’m on my second marriage and there are a lot of advice I can give to people on what NOT to do in a relationship because divorcing after a long marriage I went through many of the situations I hear people complain about their relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t know Tikeetha. All I have is more questions. I’ve wondered this very thing myself, but in general. Do you take advice from the person who’s done it and so-called failed, or do you listen to the person who is still doing it?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry for the typos in the last one. I did talk to text and submitted it before fixing it. I would only take advice from a couple who was honest about some of the struggles they went through in a marriage. If you can’t openly and honestly share those kind of struggles, then what kind of advice could you offer? If you’re still in an unhealthy marriage and/or relationship I don’t think that qualifies you as being somebody to give advice. However, if you are in a healthy relationship and you openly talk about your faults and his faults and what you’ve done to overcome, I think you totally can give advice.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Great question! If the person who is doing it is still doing it and they talk about the truth in their marriages – if there were affairs or infidelity and gives advice maybe but a lot of people are faking it and don’t share the truth about their marriage does their marriage make more sense because they’re still cheating on each other as opposed to someone who got out of that and had that kind of environment

      Liked by 1 person

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