My IVF Journey: Great Expectations

It didn’t work. The first attempt at IVF yielded no positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted my baby. I wanted our baby.

Our baby wasn’t growing in my womb. The nurse said “I’m sorry”. I said “Its’ okay.” It wasn’t okay. I should’ve been pregnant. I cried.

I cursed God. I was angry. I was in hell.

Why couldn’t God allow me to get pregnant? Didn’t he know that I wanted a baby? I felt barren and unfit. Unfit to carry a baby.

I withdrew from my marriage. I pushed my feelings inside and threw myself into my work. I needed something to take my mind off not having a baby and I needed to see value in this barren life.

The fertility doctor kept calling to talk to me. I wouldn’t do it. I refused to do it. My husband said “Kee, you need to call the doctor back before he recommends therapy.” Hell, he should have. He did. I was hurting.

After a few weeks of feeling like a failure as a woman because I couldn’t conceive I called the doctor back. He wasn’t available. Oh well. I really didn’t want to talk anyway. He called me right back. He apologized for being in with a patient. He said “I’m sorry.” I shrugged my shoulders and said “I know. It’s part of the process. I knew that there was a probability that it wouldn’t work.” He said, “I think you should do it again. I know that I can get you pregnant.”

I sighed. I couldn’t go through this again. My hair was falling out from the drugs. The bruising on my body. The emotional hell of not hearing that I’m pregnant. I wasn’t ready to be disappointed anymore. I needed to breathe.

“Maybe” I replied.

We hung up. I told my husband what he said. He didn’t respond. I asked him what he thought about it. He said “I think you should do it again. He said that he can get us pregnant.” I walked away.

Silence.

Silence loomed in our house because I felt alone. My body had betrayed me and my husband believed that somehow it was us getting pregnant. It wasn’t. It was me. It was me going through the blood draws, egg retrievals, shots and pills. You can’t understand my pain.

My pain was enveloping me like a thick smoke. I was suffocating. Suffocating in my marriage and in my desire to give him something that I couldn’t give. My womb was broken. I was broken. I was cracking the hell up.

-To be continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Motivational Monday Moment – 7.3.17

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment was inspired by this picture that I saw last week when I was looking for pictures on my Wisdom Wednesday post:

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It’s deep right? But, it’s also very true in its simplest form. We spend so much time trying to figure out or break the code on things that cause us so much stress that there are really only 3 solutions to every problem…accept it, change it or leave it. If you can’t accept it change it. If you can’t change it, then leave it.

Dang! I was blown away when I saw this picture. It stuck with me. It sat in my spirit and really spoke to me over the weekend. This is another piece of the puzzle in my quest for mindfulness and peace. It was like a light bulb went off and I knew what I needed to do. I am working on me. It’s a work in progress, but my Motivational Monday Moment is about using those 3 simple solutions to every problem. Apply them to your life.

Right now.

Don’t worry or stress about a problem. Take what it says literally and try to use it in your life. We spend so much time worrying about things that are beyond our control. We try to fix all our problems and we need to stop. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there and done the same thing. But, isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results?

Try something different.

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Blood Pressure & Boundaries

I attended the Go Red Women’s Luncheon last week before heading into the office. It was a great event and I’m happy I went. I learned a lot of information and had my blood pressure checked. Mainly so I could win a gift, but after reading the stats about women and heart disease, heart attacks and strokes, I wanted to make sure that I was good.

I hadn’t taken my blood pressure since I got sick in January. It was normal. However, when I took it on Friday it wasn’t. It was 152/100. Not normal. I knew what it was. I was stressed. I was carrying so much stress and anger that my blood pressure was not normal. It’s always been normal.

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I had to make a change. In that moment I knew that I wasn’t going to let life and the things that I was going through stress me out. I had a choice to make and I was going to make it. I was breaking up with stress. It’s been less than a week. It’s really hard. People push buttons. People create drama and overreact about situations and bring it to me. I take on their stress. Tensions form. Pain happens.  I begin to feel it in my shoulders, in my head and in my heart.

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I could have a heart attack or develop heart disease. I am not going to let stress take me the hell out. So, I tested my blood pressure all weekend and it went down. I am now monitoring it and increasing my physical activity and really trying to mediate. My therapist said to take it in small doses. Try meditating for 3 minutes and then increase your meditation time.

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It’s hard. It’s a struggle. I am trying to maintain my stress. Breathe more. Remember to practice mindfulness and incorporate meditation. I can’t stop stress from happening, but I can stop reacting to stressful situations by carrying it with me all day for days on end. I have to learn to let go and release. I owe it to my son, my family, my man and my heart.

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I’m on a journey to be healthier not just physically, but mentally as well and I’m thankful for those who seek to inspire, motivate and encourage me on this journey. Even Mr. C is getting in and trying to keep me sane. He sent me this great video that really hit home for me because I’m a visual learner. Check it out.

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Let’s all break up with stress. Our hearts can’t take the pain.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

A Healthy Heart

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about the massive to do list that I have going on and how I’m just trying to take it in pieces. One of those things was to send information about Munch’s fundraiser to all my family and friends. I am very selective about fundraising and I try to not inundate folks with every single request to buy something. Why? Because I can’t do everything.

However, Munch came home a couple of weeks ago wanting to participate in the Jump Rope and Hoops for Heart Program that is sponsored by the Red Cross. His school is participating and he was so excited to get these zoo animals and wanted me to let him participate. I reviewed the paperwork and explained why I was letting him participate. I told him that we have a history of heart disease in our family.

I explained to him that his grandfather has congestive heart failure and just got a pacemaker put in. I explained that his dad had multiple strokes when he was an infant and they are always checking his heart. I told him that the heart is the most important organ and the one that pumps all of our blood through our body and we must keep it healthy.

I went on to tell him that’s why I want him to continue to exercise with swim classes and soccer. But, there is still work to do. I admittedly don’t serve vegetables with every meal and I’ve got to do better. So, that was the challenge we agreed to do. To eat vegetables with every meal at dinner and to take a walk around the block every evening. Let’s keep the heart muscle working.

Today is National Go Red Day and I wore my red to support this great program. As a woman and knowing that I have a family history of heart disease, I want to keep my heart healthy. According to the Go Red website “Cardiovascular disease in the U.S. kill approximately one woman every 80 seconds. The good news is that 80 percent of cardiac events may be prevented with education and lifestyle changes. Go Red For Women advocates for more research and swifter action for women’s heart health.”

I’m a woman and I’m a mother and I support heart health. I want to be around for Munch for many years to come and I want to give him the tools to keep his heart safe and healthy. So, I’m asking if you’re able to, please consider making a $10.00 donation to Munch’s Campaign. We set the goal at $250.  All donations are tax-deductible.

The link is here:  Hoops for Heart

Ladies – Do You Groom?

I’m not talking in general, but specifically when you go to the gynecologist. Do you groom your body before a pap smear or gynecologist exam? I mean I can’t be the only woman who thinks it is important when heading to the gynecologist to make sure that my pedicure is fresh and everything else from the top to body is as well.

I only book early morning appointments if I can help it. I also make sure that my legs are shaved, my feet finely shaped and no hammer toes or cracked skin. Yep, I still lotion my body from head to toe. I don’t use spray in between my legs because I don’t want it to mess up any cultures or exam. However, I refuse to let myself look like I just woke up and came out when someone is between my legs.

Especially a medical professional.

I had my exam yesterday with one of the male doctors in the practice and I swear he gets cuter every year. He’s not even 40 yet. This man diagnosed me 9 years ago with preeclampsia and he was only 31. He circumcised my son and has been a vital part of my medical history for the last 9 years since I arrived at the practice.

There is never awkwardness between my gynecologist and I. Great conversation and sincere concern about my health. He’s given me great advice on my weight loss and overall health. He’s also pretty hot.

He told me when he finished looking in between my legs that he liked my red toe nail polish. He noticed. Aww, it was the little things.

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Review: Vicks Easyfill Cool Mist Humidifier

Hey Good Peoples,

Guess who got a Vicks Easyfill Cool Mist Humidifier? Yep, this girl right here! I was so surprised and excited because my last humidifier had just died and I was dreading having to go to the store to replace it. So, when the good folks at Influenster sent me a FREE one to review I was so geeked.

Now, I’ve been using this for the last week because the weather here has been cold and dry. Brennan is like me when I was younger….he suffers from nose bleeds when the air is too dry. Having an asthmatic child with allergies who also has nose bleeds, we always keep it running.

This humidifier is great because it is an easy fill and you can fill it in the sink or do a jug of water like I do. But, either way it is light weight to carry with water. You don’t have to refill it every night. One fill lasts about 36 hours depending on the setting. I keep it on high so I had to refill after about 26 hours. Not bad, but I have a big space that I want the mist to moisturize the air.

It does just that. It also has a slot for vapo pads if you need a soothing scent when you’re sick. It comes with two, but you could order additional. I think the best part of the entire product is the fact that it has an auto shut off when it is out of water. How amazing is that? I don’t have to worry about my house burning down while I sleep.

Vicks has done it again and just in time for the winter months.

You can buy this awesome humidifier here on Amazon:   https://www.amazon.com/Vicks-EasyFill-Cool-Mist-Humidifier/dp/B01LXPDDCS

I received this product FREE for testing purposes and would highly recommend it.

You can check out Munch loving on his humidifier last month here on Instagram.

6 More Things That Make Me A Happier Person

Love this list. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

 

When you’re in a not-so-great place, it is not easy to find five things that will cheer you up. But as you grow, you begin to add to that list. You find more and more things that help put you…

Source: 6 More Things That Make Me A Happier Person