I hate being vulnerable. I hate having to show my heart or let people in. Why? Because it’s hard to know who to trust. Who can I trust to see me as I am without thinking that they will take advantage of me? Yep, this is one of my issues. I own it. I know this about myself. I tend to spend so much time trying to be independent that it makes a man feel that he is often competing with me for me.
I learned this in therapy after my marriage ended. I realized that I made him feel as though he didn’t matter. It hurt. The truth. It came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I was so busy being superwoman that I made him feel like he was not needed because I could do it all. That’s how I was raised. To be strong. To be resilient. To not show vulnerability because he will think that I’m weak. I’m supposed to be his rib. I don’t want to be a broken rib. But, I was. Broken. I didn’t support him.
Now, that I’m dating these insecurities are starting to creep back in. I realized that one of the things that I hate most is liking someone. Why? Because I don’t want a dude to think he has me if I like him. Liking him means that he gets to know me. That I will share things with him. That I will become open and that makes my heart vulnerable and vulnerability sucks. So, I sulk.
I was okay with knowing how I am and refusing to accept that I need to change it because I wanted to protect myself. Until that dang internet. One of the bloggers I follow, Miss TN King, posted “The New Side Chick Part III – Why I Can’t Trust Good Men”:
3. Invulnerability– “I really like him, but I can’t show him that. He’s going to think he has me. I don’t want to look weak. I don’t want to show him my flaws. I don’t want him to take advantage of my heart. Maybe, if I started talking to someone else, I won’t like him so much. Then if he tries to play me, I won’t even be bothered because I would have my rebounds/backups.” Reality Check: Those randoms, text buddies, and safety nets may temporarily distract your mind, but they can never replace the feelings in your heart. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” We want love but not the vulnerability that comes with it. Your friendships and relationships will never grow in love if you don’t have the courage and strength to take off the masks you’ve been wearing and tear down the barricades around your heart. The right people in your life will love you for all that you are, and all that you aren’t. Stop trying to suppress what makes you beautiful. – Miss TN King
Wow! There you have it. I want love, but not the vulnerability that comes with it. She was speaking my language and reading me at the same time. I was now listening. Dang! I had to listen.
Now, let me tell you that I have a hard head. I’m stubborn. I’m neurotic. I’m a take me as I am kinda girl, but this blogger had me thinking…could I find love without being vulnerable? Simply put…no. I need to change.
So, I’m going to let some walls down and let some people in. Slowly. I will have to change some things including being vulnerable because it’s part of the process. I mean shouldn’t I have learned from my last relationship the cost of hiding my vulnerability? Hopefully.
Until next time!