Dang, I’m Slow

That’s what I thought as I read this great piece entitled “The Slow Fade: 8 Ways Guys Break Up Without Actually Breaking Up”. I realized that “I’m Slow and I was Slow Faded” by Mr. K. The guy actually went through all eight steps and I couldn’t even realize that I was being slow faded. How lame is that?

The author made a point of telling women that you’re not slow you’re just dating a pathetic loser. It didn’t really help me feel better. How could I miss the signs? How could I believe what this guy said? How could I not be more observant of his behavior?

“Here are eight behaviors to watch out for so you can hold that slow fader accountable, demanding he give you the respect and dignity you deserve.

1. He doesn’t call as much. Okay, this behavior is one of the easiest to write off because lots of guys claim they don’t like to talk on the phone (even though they do all day long). If yours is one of those guys, he will likely let you know early on, leaving himself the excuse he needs should he ever need to use it. Chances are he will. But because you have been duly warned, when the frequency of calls does return to what it once was before you told him how much you “love” to hear his voice, you overlook the slight, inadvertently forcing him to step up his game. In response…

2. He texts and emails less. Makes perfect sense, right? You are no longer in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship, those first few dates when you are going gaga over one another (or at least one of you is) and are thinking about this new person more than you can stand. That’s what you tell yourself at least. You convince yourself you shouldn’t expect as much from him as you once did. Wrong. You should. But you take what you can get anyway until you notice…

3. His texts and emails become short and not so sweet. Remember those cute smiley faces? The XOs? The sweet sentiments? They are but a distant memory now. Instead, “thanks” is his new emoticon, leaving you to scratch your head wondering if you have done something wrong. Nah, you rationalize. It’s just that…

4. He is suddenly very “busy.” Yeah, that’s what it is! Work is CRAAAZY for him now. That explains why he hasn’t called, texted and emailed as much as he used to and didn’t make weekend plans with you until the last minute. But you’re happy he’s busy because…

5. He has so many family problems. A nasty divorce. A crazy soon-to-be ex-wife. A witch for an ex-girlfriend. Screwed up kids. And you, the hopelessly devoted girlfriend fool you are, don’t want him to suffer any more than he must. So you become even more understanding when…

6. He gets sick. Things have gotten SO bad for this guy he can barely function (or so you think). He has been so “busy” with work and family problems that now he’s not feeling well as a result. Poor thing. Which explains why…

7. He looks less appealing. All of a sudden he’s disheveled. Verklempt. But right away you feel guilty for even thinking such a thing about the guy who once treated you so well and say to yourself instead, “Maybe I’m not being supportive enough.” Whereupon he says to himself, “Maybe I’m dating Hellen Keller.” So what does he do?

8. He acts like a dick. He has finally reached DEFCON 1. His last resort. The part where he does something reprehensible in addition to all of the above which he is already doing in unison. It is his “plus one” (if you’re that fortunate). Maybe he cavorts with another woman. Perhaps he makes you the butt of a private joke you are not yet clued in on. Even worse is if he helps himself to one last kiss goodbye (or more) which you are unaware really is goodbye.”

See, Mr. K went through all 8 steps and I didn’t have a clue that I was being slow faded. I just believed his BS. I actually thought he was a nice guy and just going through a particularly difficult time. Nope, he slow faded me. I just wasn’t smart enough to catch on.

I even sent him the article and you know what he said, “You think I’m pathetic.” Really dude? Deflection. A tactic used by the manipulator. He then sent me a text saying that I reached out to you last week and asked you out? Umm, for what? So, I can sit across from you rolling my eyes thinking how stupid I was for trusting that you were a good person? I’ll pass.

So, ladies if you’re being slow faded now make sure you recognize the signs and confront the man. Spread the word and encourage men to just be men. Be up front and tell a woman if you’re not interested. Don’t make up excuses and then try to weasel your pathetic self back into a woman’s graces because you’re busted. Have some dignity!

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Him

I told him that I pray every day and every night for God to strike him dead if he’s not who he says he truly is. If he’s not as wonderful and interesting and humorous as I find him. He laughed.

I know it’s a sinner’s prayer, but I am tired. Tired of meeting “possibilities”. I want a reality. A reality of something genuine. A reality where I am genuinely happy to see your picture flash across my screen. So, this is why I pray for God to strike down those that aren’t who they say they are.

He says, “There are nice guys out there”. I say, “Where?” He laughs. It is in the innocence of his laugh that I tell him that I am not amused by the choices. The choices of those that seem to have no morals, ethics or even religion. Those that try to run game. Those that think that I should be lucky to have met them. Ugh!

He says that he is a man of his word and values honesty. He wants women to have the same. I smile. I overshare. I tell him of good things, bad things and those in between things. I want him to know that I was a former spoiled brat that grew up. That life is about learning lessons. I’ve learned a lot, but there is always room to grow. I am growing.

I tell him that in Tuesday’s episode of “Being Mary Jane” that I learned that I am a lot like Mary Jane. In the episode her younger brother says

“you are a complicated and challenging woman and that is beautiful but you got to be able to recognize that not every man is cut out to deal with that. When everything comes easy for a man the last thing he is cut out to do is  fight for a difficult woman.”

I asked him does he agree. He said, “Yes, I agree. It’s true. I won’t fight for a difficult woman.” I sighed.

He said, “But, you’re not difficult.” I said, “but some people would say that I am.” He says, “Well, I don’t find you difficult. But, I guess it would depend on what is difficult. Whether or not you were pushing me away then I would not fight for that.” I said, “Okay, I understand.”

So, I smile and inwardly pray…

“Dear God, please let him be who he says he is, does what he says he’ll do and if not, just strike him dead!”

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Random: Are We Friends?

Here’s an email that I sent to a male “friend”:

What do you define as a friend? Because in your opinion you’ve said that we are friends right? But, I have a question…how are we friends if we don’t spend time getting to know each other? I’m analytical right, so let’s talk numbers…

We’ve had 6 dates since April. It is now September. That’s 5 months. I’m going to estimate that we’ve spent 4 hours (averaging for longer dates) per date. That’s 20 hours in 5 months. There were 183 days in those 5 months at 24 hours per day which is 4,392 hours. So, out of 4392 hours I’ve spent 20 with you. That’s .004%.

But, I will do you a solid and add communication in there. In the beginning you averaged between texts and calls from March through July 6th about 2 hours per week. That’s about 110 hours. From July 7th through current it’s about 1 hour a week. It’s been 10 weeks so that’s another 10 hours. Let’s add those 110 hours, plus the 10 additional into your 20 for a total of 140 hours divided by the 4,392 and you get .03%.

How can we spend time getting to know each other when there are a whole lotta missed opportunities? You could call to see how work is going? How is the book coming? Did your son ever return back to school from the virus? Friends check-in. Not frequently, but more frequent than that in the beginning. Because we have to feed our friendship. Friendships are symbiotic. Give and take. Are we truly friends?

In the end, “my friend” was blown away by my mathematical breakdown of our relationship. It was overwhelming I think. But, it is me. I don’t think we’re friends and I’ve moved away from the logic that we are. Based off some of the actions on his part. I think he is a nice enough, but I don’t want to spend time under the guise of friends when we spend no time getting to know each other. We’re just casual acquaintances.
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The Man

No, you can’t date me.

You can’t waste my time with your fictitious lies

Or mediocre behavior

You can’t try to woo me with your one liners

Or be the main man in my life

You can’t seduce me with your looks

You can’t wow me with your career

You can’t be anything to me.

Why?

Because I want more

More time

More energy

More courting

More conversations

More…everything

And you just aren’t ready

Step aside man and let the one who is destined to take me as his queen see me

No more hiding behind your fake references for a future or trusting that you care

I just want to be his forever and you my friend…

Can’t even compete with his swag

Dating You Must Be Hard

All men that date me have to know that their name may end up in a pop song. – Kesha

“It must be hard dating you”.  That’s what one of my girlfriends said to me a couple of weeks ago. Over happy hour she said, “I can’t imagine how a man feels. Dating you must be hard.” I asked “Why?” She said, “Because you’re very open and transparent on your blog and I wonder if he has to feel like he is going to end up on your blog someday.” I laughed and said, “Yeah, I will probably write about it, but many men don’t read my blog so I guess dating me isn’t hard.”

But, I thought about it. I mean should I be concerned that the men that I date don’t read my blog? Nope. I realized that I can’t force someone to read my blog unless they want too. Heck, my own family doesn’t read it. So, I won’t be deterred. However, one man does.

He’s the one that I loosely based the short story of Faith and Teddy after. He reads it ALL THE TIME. Even when I write in code about him, he knows it’s about him. He makes me laugh because he’ll say, “It’s cool that you write about me. It means that I’m your inspiration.”

Or my headache.

I like that he reads my stuff, which is why he’s still around. He questions me, supports me and inspires me. I like that. However, I guess I have to wonder how serious could I truly get about a man who doesn’t take the time to read my stuff?

One of my favorite movies, Brown Sugar, talks about two best friends and their relationship struggles and the female lead, Sanna Lathan, loved the fact that her best friend read her writing faithfully. She realized that having a man who was supportive of her career goals was important. So, the question I have is how important is it that a man support your passions? Does it matter in the dating and just getting to know each other stage or it’s a requirement to get to the next level?

In my opinion…Yes, it matters that you support my passions and dreams in order to get to the next level.  This is a requirement to be with me. You have to also understand that I may write about our relationship and you need to be cool with that.  I want someone who is confident in being in a relationship with me. I want them to see that I am open and I am transparent with my readers and I don’t believe in censorship. He and/or our situation may end up as a post. It’s part of the process. But, I also want him to know that it is part of my growing. I write-through it all; joy, pain and difficult times. It helps me and it helps others. I want a man who sees that.

Men Lack Consistency

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In a recent “girl talk” conversation some of my girlfriends and I have been tossing around the question “Why do men court you up until you have sex with them and then they stop? Stop trying to do things to make you smile. Stop doing the “little gestures” you found sweet. Stop the calling or texting. Stop dating you.

It all boils down to consistency. Men lack the desire to be consistent once they get the cookies.

consistency

or consistence [kuh n-sis-tuh n-see]

noun, plural consistencies.

 

steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:

Example:  There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

So, do you get it ladies? Some men aren’t smart enough to continue the same behavior that they did in order to get you. They are unable to stay the course and keep up the wooing.  It takes too much effort.  Blame it on a short attention span or the fact that they just weren’t that in to you or Venus in retrograde. Heck, I don’t know, but the truth of the matter is that men are inconsistent. They change their minds.  It doesn’t matter when you give up the cookies immediately or make them wait 90 or more days the fact remains the same…men change after getting the cookies.

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Now, I’m not a genius (okay, I’m pretty close) when it comes to dating, but I have to ask why would a man not keep the same behavior after getting the cookies? Is it that they believe that they are so desirable that you will just keep wanting them sexually or is it that they are sleeping with multiple women? Probably a little bit of both.

Truth hurts huh?

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However, for those women who claim that they want to date and just have sex, bravo. Your body and your choice. But, what happens when you start off wanting that and somehow your feelings change? What do you do then? Do you enter into a friends with benefits situation or break it off and start over?

It depends. I’ve tried both situations at one point in my life and both situations proved to be emotionally draining. Why? Let’s take a look at both situations individually.

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Friends with Benefits

For me a friend with benefits is first and foremost a friend. If you are my friend and you were stranded on the side of the road at 3 am would I come and get you? If you are my friend and you needed help to move, could you count on me? If you are my friend and you were hospitalized would I come and visit you?

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If you don’t know the answer to those three questions, then here’s a hint…we’re probably not friends. #truth.

Why? Because friendships take time to nurture and develop. We do this by calling each other. Communicating about our daily lives, dreams or issues. We nurture that friendship by checking in, hanging out and just getting to know each other. If we do that, then you most likely know that I’m your friend and would be able to answer the above questions without hesitation.

The benefits piece of friend with benefits refers to the sexual aspect of the relationship. We really enjoy hanging out and talking on a regular basis that sex became a part of our relationship. We have no expectations of a relationship, but to continue nurturing our current one. We enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the bedroom and just like our situation.

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Until it changes. One of us catches feelings. Happens a lot. I’m going to guess that in over 70% of the cases it happens. It happened to me. I caught feelings. I was falling hard for someone who I thought was my friend. We had great conversations, sex, enjoyed hanging out and there was so much laughter that I “knew” we would be great in a relationship. You get where I’m going with this right?

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Nope, it didn’t work out like that. He liked the relationship as it was. He didn’t want a girlfriend or specifically me as his girlfriend. Thus I could either continue in the current situation or walk away. I chose the latter.

Break it Off and Move On

This is probably the best course of action if you want a relationship with someone and they don’t want a relationship with you. This is where I would say to identify your wants and needs up front before engaging in a sexual relationship under the guise that it will develop into something more.

Remember that it rarely does. Don’t fall for the “games” that men may play. Trust me, I’ve heard them all:

  • I promise that I will respect you.
  • We’re adults. We can do what we want.
  • I really like you.
  • I want to take our relationship to the next level.

Those are just a few that are used to seduce and then after the seduction occurs you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. Umm, it’s because they’ve gotten what they want. They have no use or desire to keep up the role of an interested suitor. They will give you lines such as:

  • I’ve been busy which is why I haven’t called you in 3 weeks and calling you now for a sex session.
  • Work is killing me.
  • It’s football season and I got a lot going on.
  • I haven’t changed. What are you talking about?
  • I do call you. I just called you now.
  • I do answer or return your messages

Yeah, he’s really not your friend sweetie. You’ve been played. Been there and done that. Made those same mistakes. Inconsistent men yield consistent results when dating. The foolishness will still be the same whether you’re 30 or 50. If you are in this situation and you want more, just break it off and move on. You deserve better.

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Ah, the joys of dating!

 

Dating Chronicles: No Mediocre

Yep, that’s what I’m saying in this week’s post about dating. Why is it that if I said no the first time you think you should circle back? Was my no response not enough of a no for you? I don’t understand.

I have a simple rule:  No mediocre. I don’t want no mediocre men. Simple right? Then why is it that the mediocre always resurface like last night’s dinner that didn’t go down well? Ugh.

Check out this intro from a dude who resurfaced:

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Now, I didn’t respond because the first time I responded he was a blubbering idiot. He couldn’t spell and put together a complete sentence to save his life. Yeah, I’m going to pass on that one.

Check out this guy below:

082015So, are you an astrologer who is trying to predict what kind of man I should be with? Are you serious? What qualifications do you have in astrology? How about I don’t believe that? I believe that you can make it happen regardless of your astrological sign if you both want too.

He didn’t get a response from me. I couldn’t even bring my self to respond in kind so I practiced the “no response is the best response” method of communication. I deleted the conversation and said, “No mediocre please”.

Ah the joys of dating!