#datingtips – A Thomas Point of View

August 10, 2018

I Love Corny

By now many of you have seen the comments by Houston rapper, Slim Thugg, last week about Ciara and her husband Russell Wilson’s relationship. Slim commented that “He’s just a corny dude, ain’t nothing wrong with it,” Thug says “I ain’t gonna say corny cause that’s hatin’ but he’s just like a square…I don’t believe a girl coming from a street dude could even adapt to that.” Don’t you love when people comment on your relationship like they are in it? Ugh!

I couldn’t believe that rappers are still going off of Ciara for living her happy black ass life. That’s what it is all about right? Living your life to the fullest. She’s happy. She’s married and he loves her. What’s the problem? I think what pissed me off about the comments is that many people, not just Slim Thugg, make these comments about women when their relationships end or they find happiness with someone who was nothing like the last man. That’s a good thing right? That should mean growth and lessons learned.

In many cases it does. We grow up. We evolve. We may not love the things we loved at one point. We love the ones that make us feel safe. A male friend of mine asked me after Mr. C and I broke up, “T, why did you think that you and Mr. C were going to make it?” It was an honest question as he has known me for many years and felt safe in saying he knows my type, but I was honestly hurt.

But I told him the truth. I said “Because I really felt like I deserved the good guy. The guy that makes me laugh. The guy that supports my dreams. The guy that loves me something awesome and misses me when I am away. The guy who provides. The guy who gives money so I can buy food platters at Munch’s birthday party. The guy who encourages me when I feel like I can’t go on.” That was the guy that I felt that I deserved.

He listened and said “Well, I never thought you would end up with him.” I just sighed and replied “Neither did he because we’re not together anymore”. But, it’s the insensitivity that some people don’t get when you fall in love with the person that makes you want to curse them out and scream “Mind your own damn business.”

I know Ciara was probably thinking this because hell I was thinking this when my friend said this, but I guess when you live your life in an open fashion people feel the need to comment or question. However, Slim Thugg doesn’t know what it is like to love the cornball, the good guy, the square dude. Let me tell you…

It’s absolutely freaking amazing!

You love the person that makes you want to wake up each day and be a better version of yourself than the day before. You love the person that believes in honesty and faithfulness. You love the person that is both compassionate and concerning. He wants only the best for you. There is no competition. There is only love and mutual respect.

I dated the bad guys. I’m looking to love and build with the good guys. So, if he’s out there and corny as hell by other’s standards…cool. I’m still going to be doing me and living my happy black ass life learning all about the corny man.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

Flowing with Purpose

I’ve missed ya’ll. I’ve been sort of wandering. Living my life this summer. Just enjoying this space that I’m in and just figuring some things out. I don’t have it all together. I don’t pretend to. Some days are better than others but I’m living my happy black ass life. LOL.

But, in doing that I came across this post yesterday by my other fellow blogger, Jay Thomas. Jay is an incredible blogger over at Relationships Etcetera, a relationship guru and an all around cool guy. He gives me a different way to think about things and I just really dig his vibe. He LOVES LOVE.

So as I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday and I saw Jay’s post and thought it was so profound. It was about love and purpose and going with the flow. This line stuck out to me…

Posted on August 8, 2018 at 8:00 a.m.

I like to flow with purpose.. not just flow and hope for the best. When a man has purpose, he is focused. When there’s no purpose, his mind wanders.

It got me to thinking are we flowing with purpose while dating? I know that it’s been a while since I’ve dated. I mean I was attached to Mr. C for almost 3 years, but what made the difference between him and others was the fact that he dated with a purpose. He communicated that was his purpose and we engaged in a courtship. I respected that.

I met so many men during the dating process that literally would say stuff like “Oh, I don’t believe in titles.” “Let’s just see where this goes” or my favorite “Let’s just go with the flow”. These statements were frustrating and confusing as hell.

Everything has a title. You have a title to your car. I’m not forcing a relationship or rushing to exclusively date you, but I want to know if we are on the same page in the beginning.

Is it too much to ask to explain whether or not you date with a purpose to move towards a goal of becoming committed? If you want to just have sex with random people – it’s good – do you. I don’t judge. It’s not me though. I want to build something with someone. I want to have an authentic connection emotionally with someone that gets me. I want to know if we are flowing with a purpose.

We have to start being real and have genuine conversations with the people we meet. People shouldn’t have to figure out whether or not you see or want a future with them. I shouldn’t be the last woman standing after years that you then decide to date me exclusively. I’ll pass.

I don’t want that kind of man. I want a man like Jay describes…a man who has purpose. A man that is focused. I don’t want any more wanderers. Been there and done that.

I think that’s why at this point in my life that’s the river you’ll find me on. Lazily sitting back in my boat with my mojito in hand and my floppy hat cocked to the side . Just flowing downstream with a purpose. A purpose to find love and an authentic connection with a wonderful man. No dinghy’s or crabs allowed.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

June 20, 2018June 20, 2018

Random Thoughts – 06.20.18

Last week I was drinking some water and spilled half the bottle of water on my computer. My computer won’t cut back on. I sighed. I complained. I wanted to cry. Heck, Munch did cry because he wanted to play a Sonic The Hedgehog game on my computer. I didn’t stay in the place of despair.

I quietly said a prayer and ordered a new computer. It’s been 3 years. It was unfortunate, but I’m going to be spending a lot of time this year writing and blogging so I need a working computer. I also need to work with Munch this summer with typing as he will now be typing his papers for English class. I guess it died when it needed to. But, thank God that I could afford another one.

I’m feeling better mentally and physically. Mentally about my break-up and physically with my body. I’m feeling better than I’ve felt in years. I can’t wait to get back to the gym. I learned some interesting things about my body during this process, but it was all good. I started making a list again – yes a list. A list of qualities that I want in a partner since it’s been a while dating other people. Ya’ll know I kissed a lot of frogs before meeting Mr. C, so I’m not looking forward to the frog kissing stage, but I’ll be dating.

I’m probably looking more to spending this summer living my best life and focusing on me and enjoying each day. I have some things planned with Munch and I’m getting serious about my book. I’ve done the outline and I’m just trying to get the short stories together to develop it into the masterpiece I pray it will be.

I have a busy summer with Munch. Between his swimming, private flute lessons and summer camp I’m adding tutoring at Mathnasium so that he can stay fresh in math and that he can work through these word problems. I discovered this year that Munch likes to just work on a math problem on a computer, but he won’t pull out a piece of paper and pencil and work the problem first before answering the question. This leads to many failed tests. That’s something we’ll be working on.

Between the beach and the trip home to Tennessee it will go by quickly. I won’t be taking any long trips because I exhausted leave for my surgery and I’ve only been at my job for two years so I don’t have much leave. Oh, today is my 2 year work anniversary. I still love my job. I consider myself blessed.

That’s about it for the random things in my life right now. How are you? Any exciting plans?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

March 29, 2018March 28, 2018

He’s Not Your Man – Part 2

In yesterday’s post He’s Not Your Man – Part 1 I told you about the awkward situation that I found myself in when my having dinner with my male best friend. One of the women that he was dating actually showed up at the restaurant to blast him for having dinner with me. She was upset that instead of spending time with her he was spending it with me. His best friend of 30 years.

I was astounded that in this day and age (over 40) that you would literally walk up on someone who is not your husband or man to confront them. Why? It was astonishing and sad. I’m going to tell you why.

Dating is a Game

Back in the day (read prior to my marriage) I played the game. I was the woman that was pursued and I entered and ended relationships as I saw fit. I have been the woman that dated a man knowing that I wasn’t the only one. It was horrible. I wouldn’t recommend this to any woman. It creates a false sense of a relationship when in reality you’re just friends with benefits and in many cases you’re not friends. You have to play the game or you will get hurt.

If you seek a relationship then you need to step back from the man that you know is not looking for that. You need to date men that are on the same wavelength as you. You need to not look at every woman as competition because they are not. You are only in competition with yourself.

Recognize His Game

The key to dating and not courting is that you have to recognize his game. Game is game. No way about it. If ya’ll go out occasionally and are sexing and he doesn’t want to put labels on it, you are going nowhere sis. You are a place filler. Temporary in hopes of being permanent. But, if that’s what you want…cool. However, please don’t switch up and then say you want more and expect him to give it to you. Why would anyone stop living the single and free life and they are enjoying it? It’s like asking me to stop eating pizza. I ain’t gonna do it.

Be Cool and Know Who Your Enemies Are

I am not your enemy. I am the best friend. The safe one. The one who he can laugh with, tell secrets to and support. I am the one that he’ll show up to my son’s soccer games, take us out to dinner and help my son with homework. I am his friend. Nothing more. I am not your enemy. I could be the one rallying for you if you weren’t so insecure and you talked to me like a lady. I have a lot of pull. I am not going anywhere. It’s been 30 years. You are your own enemy. Men don’t want stress. Had I been another one of his women, you just showed out and I would have taken advantage of that situation that night. But, I’m his friend. Respect the role.

At the end of all of this, I love my best friend. I told him that he should stop sleeping with this woman because she’s delusional about the lines. She needs to work on her own issues and get a real relationship if that is what she wants. He’s not going to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

You-Cant-Change-Men

I was disappointed that she felt threatened by me and then was dismissive of me. I am an advocate of women and I never disrespected her. When she kept calling him as we were leaving, he was ignoring her calls and sending her to voicemail. I told him to answer the phone as she needed to speak with him. He did. She was yelling and screaming and she called me a “Bi*ch”. What?

He was a gentleman and told her that he would not tolerate her calling me that and hung up the phone. A best friend would do that. A man would do that. My advice is simple…don’t let your frustrations over not getting the love you want pull you out of your character. Your behavior is a genuine reflection of you and only you because in reality he’s not your man.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

July 19, 2017

The Thought Catalog

A couple of week’s ago I was ecstatic after receiving a message from one of the coordinators at The Thought Catalog. She said one of their staff writers had ran across one of my posts and thought it would be a good fit for their site. She asked me would I be interested in sharing it. “Uh yeah” I said.

Well, it was posted a couple of days ago and I wanted to share it with you. This is another avenue that will allow me to expand my readership and really get my name out there. I love the idea of sharing my work to big sites that have millions of readers. I am honored.

That being said, please check out my profile here: My Profile and share my post here: 6 Dating Mistakes You Make When You’re A Girl That’s Too Nice

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

October 26, 2015October 26, 2015

Dang, I’m Slow

That’s what I thought as I read this great piece entitled “The Slow Fade: 8 Ways Guys Break Up Without Actually Breaking Up”. I realized that “I’m Slow and I was Slow Faded” by Mr. K. The guy actually went through all eight steps and I couldn’t even realize that I was being slow faded. How lame is that?

The author made a point of telling women that you’re not slow you’re just dating a pathetic loser. It didn’t really help me feel better. How could I miss the signs? How could I believe what this guy said? How could I not be more observant of his behavior?

“Here are eight behaviors to watch out for so you can hold that slow fader accountable, demanding he give you the respect and dignity you deserve.

1. He doesn’t call as much. Okay, this behavior is one of the easiest to write off because lots of guys claim they don’t like to talk on the phone (even though they do all day long). If yours is one of those guys, he will likely let you know early on, leaving himself the excuse he needs should he ever need to use it. Chances are he will. But because you have been duly warned, when the frequency of calls does return to what it once was before you told him how much you “love” to hear his voice, you overlook the slight, inadvertently forcing him to step up his game. In response…

2. He texts and emails less. Makes perfect sense, right? You are no longer in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship, those first few dates when you are going gaga over one another (or at least one of you is) and are thinking about this new person more than you can stand. That’s what you tell yourself at least. You convince yourself you shouldn’t expect as much from him as you once did. Wrong. You should. But you take what you can get anyway until you notice…

3. His texts and emails become short and not so sweet. Remember those cute smiley faces? The XOs? The sweet sentiments? They are but a distant memory now. Instead, “thanks” is his new emoticon, leaving you to scratch your head wondering if you have done something wrong. Nah, you rationalize. It’s just that…

4. He is suddenly very “busy.” Yeah, that’s what it is! Work is CRAAAZY for him now. That explains why he hasn’t called, texted and emailed as much as he used to and didn’t make weekend plans with you until the last minute. But you’re happy he’s busy because…

5. He has so many family problems. A nasty divorce. A crazy soon-to-be ex-wife. A witch for an ex-girlfriend. Screwed up kids. And you, the hopelessly devoted girlfriend fool you are, don’t want him to suffer any more than he must. So you become even more understanding when…

6. He gets sick. Things have gotten SO bad for this guy he can barely function (or so you think). He has been so “busy” with work and family problems that now he’s not feeling well as a result. Poor thing. Which explains why…

7. He looks less appealing. All of a sudden he’s disheveled. Verklempt. But right away you feel guilty for even thinking such a thing about the guy who once treated you so well and say to yourself instead, “Maybe I’m not being supportive enough.” Whereupon he says to himself, “Maybe I’m dating Hellen Keller.” So what does he do?

8. He acts like a dick. He has finally reached DEFCON 1. His last resort. The part where he does something reprehensible in addition to all of the above which he is already doing in unison. It is his “plus one” (if you’re that fortunate). Maybe he cavorts with another woman. Perhaps he makes you the butt of a private joke you are not yet clued in on. Even worse is if he helps himself to one last kiss goodbye (or more) which you are unaware really is goodbye.”

See, Mr. K went through all 8 steps and I didn’t have a clue that I was being slow faded. I just believed his BS. I actually thought he was a nice guy and just going through a particularly difficult time. Nope, he slow faded me. I just wasn’t smart enough to catch on.

I even sent him the article and you know what he said, “You think I’m pathetic.” Really dude? Deflection. A tactic used by the manipulator. He then sent me a text saying that I reached out to you last week and asked you out? Umm, for what? So, I can sit across from you rolling my eyes thinking how stupid I was for trusting that you were a good person? I’ll pass.

So, ladies if you’re being slow faded now make sure you recognize the signs and confront the man. Spread the word and encourage men to just be men. Be up front and tell a woman if you’re not interested. Don’t make up excuses and then try to weasel your pathetic self back into a woman’s graces because you’re busted. Have some dignity!

October 23, 2015October 22, 2015

Him

I told him that I pray every day and every night for God to strike him dead if he’s not who he says he truly is. If he’s not as wonderful and interesting and humorous as I find him. He laughed.

I know it’s a sinner’s prayer, but I am tired. Tired of meeting “possibilities”. I want a reality. A reality of something genuine. A reality where I am genuinely happy to see your picture flash across my screen. So, this is why I pray for God to strike down those that aren’t who they say they are.

He says, “There are nice guys out there”. I say, “Where?” He laughs. It is in the innocence of his laugh that I tell him that I am not amused by the choices. The choices of those that seem to have no morals, ethics or even religion. Those that try to run game. Those that think that I should be lucky to have met them. Ugh!

He says that he is a man of his word and values honesty. He wants women to have the same. I smile. I overshare. I tell him of good things, bad things and those in between things. I want him to know that I was a former spoiled brat that grew up. That life is about learning lessons. I’ve learned a lot, but there is always room to grow. I am growing.

I tell him that in Tuesday’s episode of “Being Mary Jane” that I learned that I am a lot like Mary Jane. In the episode her younger brother says

“you are a complicated and challenging woman and that is beautiful but you got to be able to recognize that not every man is cut out to deal with that. When everything comes easy for a man the last thing he is cut out to do is fight for a difficult woman.”

I asked him does he agree. He said, “Yes, I agree. It’s true. I won’t fight for a difficult woman.” I sighed.

He said, “But, you’re not difficult.” I said, “but some people would say that I am.” He says, “Well, I don’t find you difficult. But, I guess it would depend on what is difficult. Whether or not you were pushing me away then I would not fight for that.” I said, “Okay, I understand.”

So, I smile and inwardly pray…

“Dear God, please let him be who he says he is, does what he says he’ll do and if not, just strike him dead!”

October 13, 2015October 12, 2015

Random: Are We Friends?

Here’s an email that I sent to a male “friend”:

What do you define as a friend? Because in your opinion you’ve said that we are friends right? But, I have a question…how are we friends if we don’t spend time getting to know each other? I’m analytical right, so let’s talk numbers…

We’ve had 6 dates since April. It is now September. That’s 5 months. I’m going to estimate that we’ve spent 4 hours (averaging for longer dates) per date. That’s 20 hours in 5 months. There were 183 days in those 5 months at 24 hours per day which is 4,392 hours. So, out of 4392 hours I’ve spent 20 with you. That’s .004%.

But, I will do you a solid and add communication in there. In the beginning you averaged between texts and calls from March through July 6th about 2 hours per week. That’s about 110 hours. From July 7th through current it’s about 1 hour a week. It’s been 10 weeks so that’s another 10 hours. Let’s add those 110 hours, plus the 10 additional into your 20 for a total of 140 hours divided by the 4,392 and you get .03%.

How can we spend time getting to know each other when there are a whole lotta missed opportunities? You could call to see how work is going? How is the book coming? Did your son ever return back to school from the virus? Friends check-in. Not frequently, but more frequent than that in the beginning. Because we have to feed our friendship. Friendships are symbiotic. Give and take. Are we truly friends?

In the end, “my friend” was blown away by my mathematical breakdown of our relationship. It was overwhelming I think. But, it is me. I don’t think we’re friends and I’ve moved away from the logic that we are. Based off some of the actions on his part. I think he is a nice enough, but I don’t want to spend time under the guise of friends when we spend no time getting to know each other. We’re just casual acquaintances.

September 22, 2015September 24, 2015

We All Settle

I had drinks with my girlfriends earlier this month and we were talking about our experiences with men. One of my girlfriends said, “I don’t want you to settle.” I replied, “We all settle.” She disagreed. She said no you shouldn’t settle. You should compromise. I responded that you settle in your relationships and in your marriage. Everyone settles.

Let me tell you why I think we all settle. Dictionary.com defines to settle as a:

verb (used without object), settled, settling.

to decide, arrange, or agree (often followed by on or upon):

to settle on a plan of action.

That being said, I believe that we all settle in some form or fashion in our relationship. No one is perfect. You decide that you are willing to settle (accept) things about your partner in order to let your relationship grow. You get where I’m going with this? Think about this…

You meet a man who embodies all the qualities you would like in a partner. However, he has children. You’ve always said that you don’t want a man with children. You decide to look past the children rule and enter into a relationship with this man because who is and what he brings in the relationship outweigh the fact that he has children. You are settling because you really like him and you know that you can accept the fact that he has children.

See what I’m saying? Everyone settles because no one is perfect and you are willing to settle in order to be in a relationship with someone you think that you are compatible with. I get that you don’t like the term settle, but it isn’t compromise. Compromise operates under the premise that we both lose.

Dictionary.com defines compromise as:

noun

a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles,etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

In a compromise, we settle our differences by mutual concessions. We both lose. Let me give you an example:

I want you to take out the trash every day. You say no, I will take out the trash twice a week. We compromise on 4 times a week. I got less than 7 and you gave more than 2. We both lost.

In both scenarios, the underlining fact is that a conclusion is made. You can’t compromise on children. Either you will settle and accept the fact that the person you like has children or you will move on.

I know we may not like the term “settle” because of the negative connotations it conjures in our minds, but I don’t look at it like that. I’m not asking you to settle for a drug user and you’re not. I’m asking you to decide what things about a person are worth settling for.

Look at it like this…what you want, what you hope to get and what you actually may end up with may vary and you have to decide if you want to settle for the person you are presented with. If yes, great, but if not, no worries, keep looking.

Until next time loves!

September 16, 2015September 15, 2015

Men Lack Consistency

In a recent “girl talk” conversation some of my girlfriends and I have been tossing around the question “Why do men court you up until you have sex with them and then they stop? Stop trying to do things to make you smile. Stop doing the “little gestures” you found sweet. Stop the calling or texting. Stop dating you.

It all boils down to consistency. Men lack the desire to be consistent once they get the cookies.

consistency

or consistence [kuh n-sis-tuh n-see]

noun, plural consistencies.

steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:

Example: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

So, do you get it ladies? Some men aren’t smart enough to continue the same behavior that they did in order to get you. They are unable to stay the course and keep up the wooing. It takes too much effort. Blame it on a short attention span or the fact that they just weren’t that in to you or Venus in retrograde. Heck, I don’t know, but the truth of the matter is that men are inconsistent. They change their minds. It doesn’t matter when you give up the cookies immediately or make them wait 90 or more days the fact remains the same…men change after getting the cookies.

Now, I’m not a genius (okay, I’m pretty close) when it comes to dating, but I have to ask why would a man not keep the same behavior after getting the cookies? Is it that they believe that they are so desirable that you will just keep wanting them sexually or is it that they are sleeping with multiple women? Probably a little bit of both.

Truth hurts huh?

However, for those women who claim that they want to date and just have sex, bravo. Your body and your choice. But, what happens when you start off wanting that and somehow your feelings change? What do you do then? Do you enter into a friends with benefits situation or break it off and start over?

It depends. I’ve tried both situations at one point in my life and both situations proved to be emotionally draining. Why? Let’s take a look at both situations individually.

Friends with Benefits

For me a friend with benefits is first and foremost a friend. If you are my friend and you were stranded on the side of the road at 3 am would I come and get you? If you are my friend and you needed help to move, could you count on me? If you are my friend and you were hospitalized would I come and visit you?

If you don’t know the answer to those three questions, then here’s a hint…we’re probably not friends. #truth.

Why? Because friendships take time to nurture and develop. We do this by calling each other. Communicating about our daily lives, dreams or issues. We nurture that friendship by checking in, hanging out and just getting to know each other. If we do that, then you most likely know that I’m your friend and would be able to answer the above questions without hesitation.

The benefits piece of friend with benefits refers to the sexual aspect of the relationship. We really enjoy hanging out and talking on a regular basis that sex became a part of our relationship. We have no expectations of a relationship, but to continue nurturing our current one. We enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the bedroom and just like our situation.

Until it changes. One of us catches feelings. Happens a lot. I’m going to guess that in over 70% of the cases it happens. It happened to me. I caught feelings. I was falling hard for someone who I thought was my friend. We had great conversations, sex, enjoyed hanging out and there was so much laughter that I “knew” we would be great in a relationship. You get where I’m going with this right?

Nope, it didn’t work out like that. He liked the relationship as it was. He didn’t want a girlfriend or specifically me as his girlfriend. Thus I could either continue in the current situation or walk away. I chose the latter.

Break it Off and Move On

This is probably the best course of action if you want a relationship with someone and they don’t want a relationship with you. This is where I would say to identify your wants and needs up front before engaging in a sexual relationship under the guise that it will develop into something more.

Remember that it rarely does. Don’t fall for the “games” that men may play. Trust me, I’ve heard them all:

I promise that I will respect you.
We’re adults. We can do what we want.
I really like you.
I want to take our relationship to the next level.

Those are just a few that are used to seduce and then after the seduction occurs you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. Umm, it’s because they’ve gotten what they want. They have no use or desire to keep up the role of an interested suitor. They will give you lines such as:

I’ve been busy which is why I haven’t called you in 3 weeks and calling you now for a sex session.
Work is killing me.
It’s football season and I got a lot going on.
I haven’t changed. What are you talking about?
I do call you. I just called you now.
I do answer or return your messages

Yeah, he’s really not your friend sweetie. You’ve been played. Been there and done that. Made those same mistakes. Inconsistent men yield consistent results when dating. The foolishness will still be the same whether you’re 30 or 50. If you are in this situation and you want more, just break it off and move on. You deserve better.

Ah, the joys of dating!