2015 love men on-line dating relationships women

Are You Chasing 20?

Tikeetha TMby
25 Comments on Are You Chasing 20?

I once had a man tell me that he loves me more than he ever thought imaginable. He said that because of the love he has for me he would never be with me. Why? Because if he cheated on me he knows that I would leave him. That pain would be so unbearable that he finds it better to just stay friends with me than risk losing me for good.

So, I thought what you are probably thinking now…Ain’t this a bunch of BS? Really dude? So, you’re saying that you can’t be faithful? He responded, “I don’t think people are designed to be monogamous.” I laughed in his face and said, “Okay, well thanks for telling me.”

But, even after time has passed his comments still give me pause. I think about the absurdity of the conversation however, I think that maybe what he really believes is that he will be chasing 20 for the rest of his life. The 20 is the 20 percent that I’m referring to in the 80/20 rule of relationships. The theory is an economist’s views that has been translated into relationships.

The 80/20 rule for relationships says in most relationships you only get 80 percent of what you want and need from your partner. It’s the search for the missing 20 percent that causes people to cheat. Hence, the chasing for 20.

Math_Couple

I first heard about this rule when I watched Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?” years ago. I (like many women in the theater) screamed “Yes, when Jill Scott’s character told her husband that he realized his 20 percent wasn’t worth what he gave up when he cheated on her. She was his 80 percent.” But, it’s not just men that are chasing 20. It’s women too.

Why? What is it about us that makes us chase 20 instead of realizing that what we have is good? I’m not talking about unhealthy relationships, but those relationships that are healthy. Why do we chase 20 instead of realizing that we have 80?

Because we’re selfish and not satisfied human beings. Many of us haven’t realized that what we have is good. We want perfection. As many people have said, there is no such thing as perfection. But, we still chase 20. Maybe because we think that the 20% that we are missing is the key to our happiness, but it’s not.

Trust me. If you are unhappy and in an unhealthy relationship, just leave. Leave the person alone. Allow them an opportunity to find happiness with someone who likes their 80%. Be selfless.

Now, I’m not saying that relationships where you get 80% of what you want will be issue or drama free. Nope. After all, we’re human. We’re prone to disagree on things. The key is that if you are in a healthy relationship where you recognize that you have 80% that you want to work it out. Trust me when I tell you that dating is HARD!

I told my male friend that last year. I said, “Dating sucks. There is nothing out here. I can’t find anyone (I’m a little more optimistic now). Stay with your wife forever. Don’t mess it up. Fix it. Ya’ll can work out anything. There is no greener grass out here.” He laughed. He told his wife what I said. They are still together though so maybe my advice worked.

I want to leave you with this piece of advice. Relationships are hard. They require work. They must be healthy. It is healthy to argue. Not disrespect each other. Just argue. Get to the root issue of your relationship problems. Do a needs assessment. Ask yourself the hard questions and find out if you have 80% in your relationship or are you in search of the 20%?

If the issue is you. You have to do some work. Find out your issues and get help for them so that your frustrations don’t turn your 80% into a 0% and you lose your mate. Work it out loves!

Relationships-last-long-not-because-they’re-destined-to-last-long

25 comments

  1. Thank you for encouraging people to work on their relationship, way too often you hear that if you are not happy you should just call it quits. My advice to women is that in order to bring up any issues please look at yourself first, take couple days to see how you react to your husband, are you kind, respectful, loving? Once you know that your concerns are coming from a place of love it will be easier to talk to your husband and find solutions.

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    1. Aww! Thank you for your comment. The key is that if you are in a healthy relationship then work on it, please. Most of your frustrations stem from within and you should examine why you think something is wrong with your relationship. Self-examination is a big part of it. We are just so quick to leave a situation where we are getting our 80%.

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  3. Pingback: Are You Chasing 20? | A Perfectly Flawed Ruby

  4. I think in chasing the 20% you are ignoring your 100% self. If those guys are getting 80% of what they need from someone they better be able to fill in that 20% with their own self worth. If you expect someone to “complete you” you are going to have a long lonely wait.

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  6. That’s pretty good advice there! I’ve been married 30 years now and luckily neither my husband or I have gone chasing after that 20% – we realized early on that we’re worth the fight – good luck to you and your ‘future’ mate – I’m sure you’ll be successful! 🙂

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  7. Great post! So glad we’ve crossed paths! Personally, I just feel like if people put in 100% into themselves then everything else would just be a bonus….why chase 20 or require 80% from another person to feel whole when you could be 100% awesome? It’s bound to attract 100% awesome…that’s like…200% lol I remember my dating years with this post….POF anyone? lmao *sigh* not my finest hour as I am too much of an all or nothing person to “date” Thanks so much for sharing this! 🙂

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    1. LOL. Thank you for commenting. I think we do bring our full 100% self but our frustrations make us feel like that the 80% of our wants and needs that we’re receiving is not enough. So, we feel incomplete and search for the missing 20% instead of loving and accepting the 80 we got. I’ve done POF too with no success. Sigh, I’m an eternal optimist though. Thanks again.

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      1. Good point! 🙂 As for POF….it’s “Plenty of Trouble” lol at least that’s how it was when I was on there…I remember one guy I met on there…I invited him over ( wasn’t expecting the moon or marriage lol) and he showed up in a cab….with my favorite beer…which he had already started drinking…did I mention he was already drunk when he showed up…god bless him…at least he took a cab and was thoughtful enough to buy my favorite beer lol I wish I was making this up

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  9. Early on my relationship with my husband, my 20% kept pursuing me (even though he knew I was in a serious relationship). I told him flat out I’m not messing up this up for you. I’m happy I didn’t because I’m enjoying my 80%.

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  10. I’m at a point in life (divorced and raising my son alone over the last 11 years) where I keep running into married fools searching for their 20 with me and offering even less. Usually they are trying to pass as available, but I have my ways of finding out. Sad days out there. Yet, I still have hope. Am I crazy? lol

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    1. Nope. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve met some of those men too. I want you, but not right now. Okay, then move on Martha move on. Let me be. I’m willing to wait for what God wants me to have. I didn’t listen the last time and that didn’t work so next time I’m going to be patient.

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