Many of you have been following me for a while know my dating hits, misses and false starts for the last year. I have to tell you that I turned over a new attitude in 2016 towards dating…
Stay true to you
That’s my motto. I’ve spent so much time watching and wrestling with my faith and being in the world. I’ve joined dating websites in an effort to meet people outside of my circle (nope, not Christian Mingle). A lot of contacts didn’t pan out. Some did. I made friendships even though there was no romantic connection. For that I am thankful. But, I wanted more.
Well, towards the end of last year, God started to wrestle with me and put me in a different place. A place where he needed me to be. A place where I wouldn’t be distracted by all the shiny objects (men). That place has led me to where I am today.
Happy and dating. I’ve mentioned to you folks that I’m dating this great guy Mr. C. His stats are amazing but better than his stats – is his spirit. His spirit is one that is aligned with mine in a common desire to please and serve God. That spirit has allowed us to grow as individuals who are interested in getting to know each other. But, that spirit is also one that is yearning to please God.
In our desire to please God we had the conversation early on about not engaging in sexual relations. I broached the conversation and took my cookies off the table. I didn’t want to offend him, but again, I’m staying true to who I am and where I am in my life. That realization has made our getting to know each other more interesting.
Let me give you some background…I’ve mentioned the assaults I’ve suffered as a child from my molestation, rape and sexual assault. Those experiences damaged me as I was growing and made me believe that I must give my cookies freely to men because eventually a man will forcibly take it from me.
So, I called myself being a sexually free person (still a Christian) who was a black version of Samantha from Sex in the City. I would control men. I would control my cookies and I didn’t want a commitment from a man. I was seeking sexual freedom and trying to convince myself that I was in control. Control of my life and body.
While I was doing that I was steadily pushing people away. I didn’t want to believe that anyone could ever love me. The real kind of love that isn’t shown on TV or magazines. The kind of love where you can see the damaged parts and still want to love me in spite of what you see. That love didn’t exist for me. Not in my family and not in my marriage.
In all fairness, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that I didn’t want to be loved but mine. I was hurt. I was broken and I was afraid that they wouldn’t want to love me if they knew the “real” me. So, I pushed the people away that tried to get close to me and immersed myself in the world.
God was patient though. He was there. Constantly. Waiting and still loving me in spite of my disobedience. But, I didn’t feel worthy. I wasn’t ready to examine the ugly parts of me. I didn’t want to examine how I had gotten here. I wanted to run and hide and push people away. My ex said, “It’s your daddy issues”. He’s wrong. It was my own issues.
I was so covered in sin that I was afraid of being anything other than in the world. I didn’t know how to get out of it. I ran. I hid. I denied my love for God. I was ashamed to admit that I loved God but I wasn’t living in His will.
Then the fall/winter of 2015 hit. God said no more. Stop it! Stop running! Stop hiding! Stop backsliding! Trust me was whispered to my spirit. I couldn’t move. I did Trust Him. I couldn’t continue to live being lazy. I needed to give God my all.
Part 2 to be continued