This post was inspired by Violet’s post Who pays?
I’m a progressive woman and some of my friends think that I’m wrong, but I will offer to pay for my own meals when going out with men. Gasp!
Why would you ever do that? A man should always pay? Are you serious, you’re setting us back by offering to split the check?
Really? I’m setting us back? Some women believe so.
However, I was raised to always have enough money to pay your own bill. On the first date, I will offer to split the check and most (99.5%) of the time a man will decline and pay. I’m always thankful to those that do and even for those that don’t. Why? Because I’m sure there’s a reason that we will never have a second date.
Understand this about me…I don’t depend or require a man to pay for dates. Maybe because I was raised to always be able to afford to pay for my own meal (so I wouldn’t have to put out) or maybe it’s because I think you should at least offer. I like chivalry. I like when a man pays. But, the circumstances were different during times in my life.
When I was younger, a man always paid (post college). When we were both struggling college students, we split the check. In reality, most of the men that I dated while I was in college worked full-time so they paid consistently. But, if I went out with a cute guy from my class we ate cheaply. I didn’t think he wasn’t a gentleman because we split the check. We were both poor and struggling college students. No judgement ever crossed my mind.
Now, as an adult in her 40’s, I would expect a man to pay the majority of the time. Not all the time. The majority of the time.
Why not all the time? Because a man my age has expenses just like I do. I don’t expect him to pay every time we go out if we are consistently dating. Consistently would mean over four consecutive dates in a month. I will usually offer to pay for the date after the 4th date and every so often. I told you that I’m progressive.
Take Mr. C and I for instance. We’ve been dating since October. He pays for the majority of our dates (95%). I offer to pay for dates or if we go out after dinner for drinks, I pay for drinks. Not hard to do. Yes, he makes more than I do, but he has expenses too and I want him to know that I value his time and money spent and show him that I’m not selfish.
What? Selfish? Humph!
Yes, selfish ladies. You see, I want to show Mr. C, that I am his partner and that I want to be someone who doesn’t mind pulling out her wallet. Not to emasculate him, but to show him that I enjoy spending time with him and that I don’t mind spending my own money when we go out.
He said to me that he had never had a woman EVER pay for anything. Really? Not even birthday dinners? Barely, if that. Wow! I couldn’t believe it.
Now, some of you are probably thinking, well T I can make him dinner but I shouldn’t have to pay. You know what I would say? The money you spent on buying the food could have been used to take him bowling or paying for dinner.
How can we convince a man that we are able to be his partner if we aren’t willing to invest during the get to know you stage? Oh wait, we’re going to show him that we are marriage material after we’re married? How will that work?
To be continued tomorrow….
A Thomas Point of View 
I totally agree with your perspective. I think a man should pay most of the time. But I feel like paying for them at times, like a treat, it’s a way fo showing, we appreciate them too.
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Yes. We can’t seem selfish. It doesn’t mean that we should pay most of the time, but occasionally.
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I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to pay or split. I try to as much as he’ll let me but he never wants me to use my money.
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I totally agree. It just shows him that you’re not selfish. I’m not saying we should beat the hell out of him and say “Let me get it.” but we should offer once in a while. If he accepts, great, if not so what? He knows that your heart is in the right place.
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I’m just super paranoid that he’ll think I am taking advantage of him or something. I like him to know that I am willing and ready to pay if need be!
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Nope. He knows that you’re in it because you like him. Not for the money which was validated when you offered. But, I get you. I feel the same way which is why I offer after the 4th date or so.
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Nice post. Pay when you can, don’t pay when you can’t, discuss it, find an arrangement that works for both of you!
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Yep, or pay when you feel like it. If he never lets you pay then fine, but you don’t want to appear selfish like pulling out your wallet is akin to being burned alive at the stake. LOL.
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I echo your thoughts.
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I’m 100% with you on this.
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I really agree with you on this so much! Awesome write!
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I love this!
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Thank you.
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I love how you mentioned the college days, ha yes, that was my college boyfriend and I. Broke and splitting dates. It let him know I enjoyed our time regardless of our college financial struggles. And now in my current relationship, my boyfriend has expressed he likes to show me he likes taking care of me by paying. I still surprise deliver dinner to him when he has late work nights though. Just to let him know I like to take care of him in my own ways too. It’s all about the intent. Great modern dating scene post!
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That is so sweet. You let him know that you appreciate him and all he does for you by doing those cute little surprises. Thanks for posting. I need to try that one day. LOL.
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Lol! Aw well thanks. Not too often of course. 😉
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It only makes sense. I wonder how any right thinking person would argue with this logic?
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Ooh Jacqueline you would be surprised. I have a lot of girlfriends who think they should never pay.
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I agree. Especially now a days, I feel like there are too many gold digging women out there. Plus, like you said men have bills too. Especially if they have child support because I remember my ex was out there taking his lady to a nice dinner and mean while he was behind on his child support! I believe that most gentlemen want to pay. It makes them feel good. I also understand if they can’t always pay. Like you said, I don’t mind paying once in a while because I want a partner. Partners share 50/50.
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Yes!!! That’s what I mean. Not paying all the time, but why do we insist that inviting him over to our house for a home cooked meal is better than paying for an occasional meal? Girl, I would have been hot if my ex was out there dating and not taking care of his responsibilities with his child. Dude, you’re grown.
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Oh I was but it was years ago! Lol. Eventually you let it go!
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However, sometimes there is something special about a home cooked meal. I dated a guy who only let me make him dinner once and I love to cook so that was insulting to me.
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Why? How long did you date him?
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We dated about 9 months. And after we broke up he was wishing he could get a plate! Lol
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LOL.
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I loved this post. I often feel guilty when a guy pays for me. It feels almost like I am taking advantage of him. I don’t like that feeling. I am not looking for someone to take care of me, I am looking for a partner. Don’t get me wrong it is nice to be treated, I just hate when they feel obligated to pay.
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Thank you. I just think we should occassionally reciprocate. I love chivalry
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