6 Dating Mistakes Women Make

This is a roll call to all the women out there who’ve made mistakes while dating. You date men only to find out that the man you thought was the one was in fact a dud. You start to review the reel of your relationship no matter how small or insignificant in your head. You start to wonder “Where did I go wrong?” Has that ever happened to you?

It’s happened to me. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I made plenty of mistakes while dating and I’m the first to say “Learn from my mistakes”. I want to save you time and trouble while you navigate this dating world.

So, I compiled a list of 6 dating mistakes that women make in hopes that I’m able to help you recognize if you’re making them too. If you’re doing any of these things, I beg you love to run for the hills and stop it. Take a dating hiatus and get back to the basics of loving and dating you.

  1. I gave the benefit of the doubt. This was a big one for me. I gave the benefit of the doubt to a lot of men who frankly didn’t deserve it. The thing is that they were showing me who they were and telling me something different. I listened to their words instead of their action. That is a big no-no. Maya Angelou said it best “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
  2. No boundaries. I used to allow the men that I dated to set my boundaries. Sure, you can call me for a last minute date. Sure, I can come over at 11pm. Sure, I can take you there. Sure, I can (fill in the blank). You see what I was doing? I wasn’t setting boundaries. There are rules to anything including dating me and I didn’t set or express my boundaries. I was trying to be a free spirit. That’s not me. Be you and set those boundaries.
  3. Something is better than nothing. Umm, no it’s not. We shouldn’t settle. I refuse to waste anymore time with people that aren’t worthy. Why are you settling for less than what you deserve? Some of us are so happy to have a piece of a man that we are willing to settle for a piece than the whole person. That’s a lie and one you should stop telling yourself right now. You deserve it all love. Nothing is better than something that causes you pain.
  4. Waste my time. Time is a big thing for me. It matters. More than money. Time is something that I can’t get back. You can always make more money. You can’t get back time once its wasted. That is a big thing. I wasted my time with men that I knew we could never be nothing more. I’m not talking the first couple of dates. I’m talking the first couple of months. I just continued to waste my time instead of putting them in the block category and moving on. Life is too short to waste time with anyone.
  5. Lowering my standards. I’m not going to lower my standards when it comes to dating men and neither should you. Why should you? So, you can have a man? This goes hand in hand with number 3. Don’t lower your standards or expectations in a relationship just so you can get or keep a man. If he can’t meet you where you are, move on girl!
  6. Giving up the cookies too soon. Mr. C and I are practicing abstinence, but I know that not everyone is at that point in their life and I respect that. However, I tell you this…if a man is not willing to wait for you he is not the man for you. I heard a man once say that if a man can wait for a pair of shoes, a new video game or a promotion he can wait to have sex. You see that? Men will wait. You just have to be diligent in your desire to know that you are worth the wait. It’s okay to walk away if a man tells you that he won’t wait. Nothing wrong with saying “Okay, well be blessed and bye”. You are worth the wait. Real men know that.

Those are my 6 dating mistakes and trust me, I’ve made them all. I’m not judging you. I’m trying to help you move beyond the present and envision a future where you’ve got the love you want. It is possible.

Any other dating mistakes you think women make? How do you feel about the list? Have you made these mistakes?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Dating: Mr. Potential

Dating is hard. I know. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to try to push Mr. Potential into a possibility category. But, don’t do it sis. Go through the process because it’s in that process where you’ll find out who is just a man with potential and who is is the man with possibility.

I did it. I would meet a great guy and think “Wow, he’s awesome. I think he may be the one.” Really? I had only known the man about a month but was already thinking he was special enough to be in the possibility category. I was jumping the gun. I know I’m not alone. Some of you are probably doing this right now.

I’m here to encourage you to stop that. Stop giving potentials real chances to screw your emotions over. Dating is a process. So many times we are trying to rush it and when we’re busy rushing it we forget what it’s like to truly get to know someone. How can a man woo you when you’re busy picking out china patterns or naming your future children?

He can’t. He will either do one of two things. Play you by stringing you along or run for the hills because he thinks you’re crazy. It’s true. Take a step back and breathe baby girl. Give him a chance to get to know you and you take the time to know him. Here are some ways you can tell if you are putting his potential into the possibility category:

  1. If he seems to be giving you all his spare time. Look it’s exciting when you meet a man that seems perfect, but just because he is giving you time doesn’t mean that you should rush it and put him in the possibility category. Slow down and get to know each other and see if you both want to be exclusive. I’ve been there. I dated a man that seemed to give me all his free time so I thought “Hmm, he may be the one.” Nope, he was just being cheap and not wanting to date multiple women at the same time. After getting to know him I realized that there was a possibility for him…to be someone else’s man. Not mine.
  2. If he invites you to meet his family and friends after a couple of weeks. Look, I know that it’s exciting to think that a man is the one after a couple of months, but stop rushing it. I would run for the hills if a man offered me to meet his children after a couple of weeks. Really? Why would he do that? Think about it.  Take your time and process all the signs he displays. Mr. C didn’t meet Munch until 9 months after we started dating and it was at church for all of 5 minutes. No pressure. No rush. It was 3 months later when he met him for the second time at my house. You see. I was taking it slow. Stop being impressed with a man that wants to introduce you to his friends and family after a couple of weeks. Something sounds fishy there. Slow down and get to know each other.
  3. If he’s got an impressive resume, but you have to keep making the first move. Now, I’m all about grabbing a bull by the horns and riding said bull into the sunset, but you have to stop and think. Men are hunters. They like to chase. They also don’t want you to be so demure and shy that you think that they should do everything. Be somewhat aggressive and yet reserved. I don’t care how good his resume is, if he’s not chasing after you for dates or time spent talking and getting to know you – he’s seeing other women or he’s just not into you. Either way you need to accept it sis. No biggie. Let him go and keep looking for the one you’re supposed to be with.
  4. You see his side hustles and entrepreneurial spirit as a reason he’s always broke. Umm, nope. Mr. C told me when we first started dating that “Roland Martin said a black man in America has to work more than one job.” I died laughing. He was serious. He told me this because he works two jobs. He has bills, family obligations and things he needs and wants to do. I get it. But, he’s still the man who has time to date me and pay for those dates. I do pay occasionally, but I’m not financing our relationship. A grown man will figure out how to date you while paying his bills. Let me repeat that…a grown man will figure out how to date you and still pay his bills.
  5. You see his situation as temporary and you’re willing to have his back. If he’s unemployed, broke or broken through hardships not of his own doing, I get it. Life happens. But, why would you try to date when you are going through the worst season of your life? I mean I get it. We all need companionship, but I don’t want to support you in the dating stage. Not when we first meet. Give it some time. I mean at this point, I would give Mr. C some money because we love each other. Why? Because I know that if he ever asked me for it he would need it. I would have his back because I know that he would do the same. However, I wouldn’t do this if we had just met. A man needs to have boundaries when you first meet. I shouldn’t know how broke you are unless you’re looking for friendship. And if you are looking for only friendship, I need you to say no to the woman that is going to come and try to support you. She’s enabling you. Stop letting a woman take care of you financially.

Do you date on potential? Have you ever dated on potential? Is there anything you would add to this list?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Dating Requirements: At A Minimum

I told you yesterday how I believe that women shouldn’t have to audition for the wife role while in relationships with men and the reasons why. But, let’s go further. Let’s dig into what we women should expect when dating a man.

There are four main things that I would say that you should expect from a man at a minimum. These are non-negotiable items. You can’t short change yourself and not have one because trust me you will end up in hell. The four main things that are a minimum in dating are:  respect, honesty, transparency and stability.

  1. Respect – That’s a given. If he doesn’t respect you then you should kick him to the curb. Stop wasting your time on a man that can’t respect you. Whether it is him doing what he says he’s going to do or not chasing after other women when you’re in a committed relationship, respect is a minimum.
  2. Honesty – This is also a given, but you would be surprised the number of women who will accept a man’s lies and try to repackage it and sell it is alternative facts. We have to stop doing this. I don’t deal in lies. My momma used to say that my daddy “Would lie between two rain drops” and that always made me laugh. But, as a woman there are men out there that lie all the time and for no dang reason or for the reason of trying to spare your feelings. A man that is not honest is not the man for you sis.
  3. Transparency – His life and all the many facets of it should be transparent to you. You shouldn’t have to guess who is family and friends are, where he works, what his kids look like, etc. He should be open to presenting you to his family and friends and trying to make his life an open book to you. I’m not saying that he has to do this on day one, but when you’ve both decided to get serious then he should have no problems being transparent with you.
  4. Stability – He should be able to support himself without you. The end. You are not his financier. Heck, you’re not even his fiance. A man has to be able to support himself without you. It’s interesting, when I was young and single and dating, men just paid for things. Took me out to expensive restaurants and we shared our life’s ups and downs together. They celebrated me. They knew how to date me. I never expected a man to take me out to dinner and he couldn’t pay his rent. A man has his priorities in order. That wouldn’t happen. A lot of men that I encountered while dating wanted to pay on the first date and then have me pay thereafter. Umm, why? Are you not financially able to date me? Then be honest. We can be friends and I can choose to pay for my own meal if we go out. I had a friend once tell me that a real man will figure it out. He knows his bills and responsibilities and he will not be expecting you to finance the relationship.

At a minimum, every man you date should have the above qualities.  If not, you will fall into some serious dating traps. What traps? We’ll discuss those in tomorrow’s post.

What are some of the things that you expect of a man that you’re dating? What are your deal breakers?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Auditioning for the Wife

On Saturday, I had a great service project with members of my sorority and other Greek fraternities and sororities. It was a joint effort where we went and cleaned up the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in D.C.. It was a beautiful day and over 70 people showed up.

Afterwards, a few of my sorority sisters and I went to lunch. We were talking about men and women relationships when one of my sisters said something so profound and true. She said “Sometimes, women are so desperate to marry or prove that they are marriage material that they audition for the wife role in relationships.” Boom.

There it is. That was truth and knowledge about what I’m seeing now in relationships. I’m sure it’s always been there, but now more than ever I see women doing that. Why? Why do you feel the need to audition for a role you may not even want from the man that you’re with?

I know that dating has changed over the years. Black women are now earning more than ever and find it hard navigating the dating world. We are told that we have to sacrifice or lower our standards in order to find a suitable partner. Both of which I will say “Not true.” In many instances, we find ourselves fighting over the eligible pool of available men. So, we get creative in trying to woo the one that we want. How can we let him know that he should choose me? How can I prove to him that I’m wifey material? 

I know. I’ve seen many women do it. We have to stop trying to audition for the wife role ladies. Look, there’s nothing wrong with finding a man and falling in love and wanting to show him that you’re about substance. You want him to imagine a future with you. A future full of possibilities. You want him to imagine home cooked meals, clean clothes and a clean house. You want him to see you as your partner. An equal that has his back.

I get that. But, sis you have to trust that if you are the one for him none of that matters. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can be selfish. No, on the contrary you should show him the part of you that makes him imagine a future with you because of who you are not of what you’re doing for him. You don’t have to cook and clean his house, watch his kids, or take care of him financially. How is he showing you that he’s a man?

As a woman who has been married and divorced, I will tell you that I didn’t audition for the wife role with my ex. I didn’t know how to be a wife any more than he knew how to be a husband. Did I do things for him? Yes. But, when you do too much for a man it takes away from him being allowed to be the man he’s supposed to be. A man figures out how to manage his life without you.

Can you make it better? Absolutely. But, should you do that in the dating phase? No. You haven’t even gotten a ring yet. No amount of auditioning will make him choose you. He may even choose the woman after you.

My perspective is of course different because I am in no way rushing down the altar again. Been there done that. I have a wonderful man that will wait on me and for that I am glad. But, I don’t have to audition for the wife role for him. Mr. C sees me as the woman he wants to be with and spend his life with and you know what? I didn’t do anything special.

I just got to know him and love him in the space that we created. That’s it that’s all. I didn’t have to drop it like it’s hot or cook lavish home cooked meals for him. In fact in the almost two years we’ve been dating, I’ve never cooked a meal for him.  I actually told him that I probably won’t cook a lot, but would be willing to take turns cooking. He accepts that. He knows that I encourage his spirit, pray for him, love him and just allow him to lead us. That guiding principle has allowed us to create boundaries and respect the space we’re creating.

I don’t need to audition. The role is mine. I’m just not ready to get married again. But, the thing is this…he knows what he’s getting and I know the same.

 

Do you believe that women audition to be the wife in a man’s life? Have you ever done it? What did you do to break the cycle of auditioning?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Reblog: He’ll Do In Case of Emergencies

A reblog of my post in 2014. I still believe it.

He’ll do in case of emergencies. That was one of the most poignant lessons learned from my mommy. It was a statement simple and powerful as I was growing up and entering the dating world. The first time I heard that statement, I had met a wonderful young man who was smart, considerate, gorgeous and talented and I asked, “Mommy, isn’t he perfect?” Her response was “He’ll do in case of emergencies”. What? Hold up. Rewind. What does that mean?

It meant men are disposable, interchangeable and you should always have a back-up. Not quite sure what I was expecting at 16, maybe a little more, “Yep, baby. I can see why you like him.” But, that was not my mother’s nature. Her desire was to give it to you straight with no chaser. Did it make me pause and think maybe “the one” was a myth because every man would do in case of emergencies? Yes, Absolutely!

I read this article on the Washington Post and it kinda confirmed that not just women are doing it, but men too. It stated that “Men have back-burners at roughly twice the rate of women”. Wow! So, in this digital age, women aren’t alone. Men have been using technology to keep in touch or hook up with exes or women that they’ve flirted with in the past. Social media has made it easier for folks to hook up and have romantic affairs with people outside of their current mate.

Researchers are calling it “digital cheating or cyber infidelity”. Umm, can anyone say that they are surprised by it? Probably not, but what surprised me was the fact that it is now easier to get it on with someone from your past or a co-worker without ever raising suspicion. Facebook has broken up many a “happy home” because people can’t seem to let go of the past. How many times have you caught your significant other texting or emailing someone from their past with questionable responses? Hmm, not wanting to admit it huh? What about your girlfriend’s sister’s cousin’s brother who was cheating on his wife of 10 years with his old college girlfriend? Why did he do it? Convenience perhaps? Opportunity to water the grass on the other side? Perhaps.

But, the one thing for sure is that technology has made it easier to get your “freak on” with folks without ever having to leave your zip code. You don’t have to do much. Think about it…Two people fed up with their current partners arguing or fussing that they comfort each other. That comfort leads to something more, but they’re not going to leave their “boo thing” for you. It was just time and opportunity. You console each other and confide how unfair your partners demands are. However, you never want to leave your number one for your number two on the back burner. Why? Because you trust number one. I bet you know some men like that right now.

However, it’s not just men though, because last week The Huffington Postreported that “Uh-Oh, Survey Says Half of Married Women Have a Back-up Husband in Mind”. Really? I didn’t know it was that many. I mean I thought 20%, but more than half? Who are these Plan B men? Men from their past: old boyfriends, men who they’ve flirted with or colleagues. Okay, I get the past boyfriends, but casual acquaintances a relationship don’t make. However, it does support my mom’s theory that women should have a back-up. Maybe their mothers told them the same thing.

But, I have to wonder…in the dating world where people are making more connections on line and through various social media platforms, does that mean you are going to have less of an opportunity for survival in a healthy functioning relationship because you have alternatives in your friend list, circle or network? Will more people just hook up instead of commit because we’re too lazy to work at something? How many of us have pressed rewind on a relationship from the past and found out that it was true love? Sometimes it’s the thought of knowing someone so well that you don’t have to spend time learning someone new.

Where is the fun in that? Maybe people should spend more time protecting something special instead of settling for the he/she person that will do in case of emergencies. Limit your choices. Eliminate your alternatives and build with the possibility of “the one” something incredible. It would probably be fewer divorces. IMJS.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Instinct

My instinct told me that he wasn’t the one for me.

I ignored it.

I was in that place of blissful ignorance and called it love.

Why was I ignoring my instinct?

My instinct told me that he was a liar and an abuser.

I ignored it.

Even after that first punch, my heart protected him.

My instinct told me to run.

The continued physical and emotional abuse had left me broken.

An empty shell.

I was dying inside.

My instinct kept telling me that one day he would kill me.

I ignored it.

Death was better than this.

I loved him.

I just had to be better.

I had to be more of what he wanted.

I had to change.

I woke up this morning and my instinct told me that today was the last day I would be alive.

I ignored it.

I laid next to him.

Watching him sleep silently.

He was beautiful.

I reached under my pillow and grabbed the blade.

I stabbed the hell out of him.

He lay choking in his own blood.

My instinct was wrong.

Today was the day he took his last breath.

 

Today’s post is inspired by the Daily Post. The word was instinct.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Dating Diary: Treat Em Right

I am always looking for new ways to work on my relationship with Mr. C and just trying to be a good girlfriend. I’ve never been a girlfriend for long and I wasn’t concerned about my exes feelings and we were young  that it didn’t matter. As, I’m now over 40 and constantly learning myself, I’ve learned to focus on communication with Mr. C as a means to strengthen our relationship.

Why? Because I love him. And? I love him more than being vulnerable. I actually hate being vulnerable. I said it. I feel like it opens me up and you can see what I’m really feeling. I hate showing my feelings. Ugh!

But, I do with Mr. C. Even when I try not to, he knows me well enough to tell when something is wrong. He pays attention to me. Especially to my tone. It’s a good and bad thing at times.

That being said I understand the importance of making sure that I’m meeting his needs. I don’t ask all the time, but I think it’s important to find out if there are things that he desires of me that I’m just not paying attention too. Blame it on my short attention span, but he deserves to know that I’m invested and concerned about him as a man, as a father, as a son and as a human being. I’m paying attention.

So, I asked him three questions to do a relationship check-up and find out how I’m doing and give myself a tune-up if need be so that we can be on one accord. My 3 questions were as follows:

  1. What things could I do to strengthen our communication?
  2. Do you think I’m open to your ideas and/or suggestions?
  3. Do you believe that I value and respect our time together? Do I put you first?

His responses were:

  1. When we make plans/meeting each other lets make sure we communicate that we are on the same pages, from beginning to end.
  2. I believe you are but sometimes my ideas are shot down.  i.e.  meeting for breakfast…its not about us eating just sitting and talking..connecting before you go to work.
  3. You do except for when you get that social media buzz.  but it doesn’t bother me because I get it…I completely understand when there’s a need to check our devices.

Yeah, he responded! However, I’m not surprised. He’s a great guy who is open to me reaching out and soliciting input at any moment. That being said it looks like I have work to do. I agree with #1 and I realized that I do #2 and #3 so I have to check myself and make sure that I’m being present in the moment and not shooting down my man’s ideas. I can be a negative Nancy and I need to work on that. Also, I need to make sure that he has my undivided attention and turn my head away from my phone.

Now, Mr. C wanted me to answer the same questions about him. Here’s how I responded:

  1. You could confirm date/time and locations anytime we are meeting. Make sure that we are on the same page from beginning to end. You could also talk to me more. Let me know more of what you think about things that I say or do.
  2. I don’t understand when I mention something that you don’t really give a yes or no response right at that moment. I feel like I’m being blown off in some ways so then I don’t want to suggest things. I know it’s not true, but I need you to either 1. answer immediately or 2. write it down and follow-up with me timely. By not following up it makes me feel like you don’t care about it.
  3. Yes, I believe that you value our time together and yes I believe that you try to put me first.

Yep, time for us to get to work!

relationships-require-work

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.