The other night I had dinner with my best friend. I’ve mentioned before that I have two best friends (a man and a woman) that I have known 30 years this year. We are ecstatic because honestly how many people keep in touch with people from 30 years ago? We remain constant and our communication is consistent.
My male best friend works nights so we don’t spend as much time because he just got full custody of his two children in January (I’ll write about that soon) and he’s busy ripping and running with his children. My female best friend and I get together a couple of times a month. With or without our children, we find time to get together and have girl time.
That being said, my male best friend decided to come over and hang out. We ended up going out to grab a quick bite to eat at Friday’s. I was catching up with him and we laughed and joked and had a real good time. Before dinner was served he looked up and said that he sees someone he knows, excused himself and went to greet his friend.
After dinner, a woman approached our table and began talking to him. I was paying no attention as I had looked at my phone. I heard him say “Listen, I’m not doing this here. I’m having dinner with my friend and you can either have a seat or leave.” He then said “T, this is C” and I waved at her and said “Hello.” She looked at me and said nothing.
Okay, I realized that this may have been one of his women and girlfriend was mad that we were spending less than two hours catching up. I continued to look at my phone and he repeated what he said. She left. I put my phone away and asked “What was that about?” He responded that it was one of the women that he is dating and she was mad because we were hanging out. He said that the woman that he spoke to earlier is her sister and her sister must have called her and said that he’s up here with another woman and she rushed up to check it out.
What? I was floored. Really girlfriend? I couldn’t believe that in this day in age with a woman in her 40’s that she would just show up and show out over a random.
A random is a man that you are dating and you have no actual relationship with. You may claim him, but he doesn’t claim you. He sleeps with you and he may or may not sleep with other women.
In my friend’s case I asked him what was up. Was he sleeping with her? He said “Yeah, she’s cool but she has a lot of trust issues.” I asked “Does she know about me?” He responded “Yeah, I’ve told her about you and have had conversations with you in front of her so she knows that nothing is going on.”
I began to ponder why women are threatened by other women and the process by which we assume that we are the only woman because we are sexing a man the majority of the time. I wanted to talk to this woman because I wanted her to know that there was no need to be threatened by me, but furthermore to let her know that she played herself. She played herself in front of me and in front of him.
Dating is a game. You need to learn not to play yourself. Now, I don’t think they are on the same page, I think she wants him to court her and he’s dating her. Jay talked about it in his post: Courtship vs. Dating: The Breakdown
I gave him my two cents. I’m his best friend. Want to know what I told him? I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow.
I recently posted about the dating label that most men put on women by the 31st day of the month. In today’s post I will be depicting the various labels that women put on men by the 31st day of the month. And yes… women do it too.
It is also not uncommon for a woman to have all these men in the lineup at the same time (each one carrying a unique label), especially if she’s single.
A Label Can Suck, But Not All Labels Are Created Equal
All men wear a label (whether we know it or not). Some women might be more intentional with their labeling—but they are very similar (and subtle) to men in how they go about applying the status they give each man. Women might apply a certain label to a man that defines what he does [for] her. In other words, if he’s someone who pays her bills, he could be labeled, “money man.”
Your man (publicly declared)
Pretty self explanatory. Pretty much the hubby or boyfriend. Your man is the most well-rounded, and balanced man in your circle. He is the one you can do most things with….from great sex, to going out, or just sitting down having a great conversation. He is the one you share your most intimate moments with. The one you “love” and accept no matter what. Your man can just be himself because he is a constant fixture in your life. He doesn’t question his label because you make him a priority.
Your man does everything. He fills up your gas tank, cooks for you, rubs your feet after a long day at work, listens to you ramble aimlessly about (anything)—he even lets you eat off his plate.
A.K.A. “Mr. Fulfillment!” S.K.A. “The Plumber.” Over a period of time, if your man is not putting out, doesn’t have time, or he isn’t very good in bed…here comes sex man. In many cases, the label “sex man” can be had by a random man you met. The sexual chemistry is so strong, you yield to it constantly, and the sexual excursions became a regular occurrence. Sex man is Mr. pleasure…you go to see him late at night..or sometimes early in the day. Sex with him is intense and spontaneous…he probably does all of the things that your man won’t do, or hits all the spots that your man can’t seem to find. He is a fantasy fulfilled… the man that has the equipment to get you off. Sex man usually doesn’t have the best personality, or even the best character. He only has one job…
lay that pipe.
Some women would probably believe that any man would want this label (right?)…. wrong. A man that is truly looking for a real relationship would not want to be limited to sex.
The provider. Sometimes [your man], and [sex man] are broke-ass men. Or, they work jobs that don’t make them enough money to satisfy your craving for material objects, movies, trips, car payments, bills, whatever. Money has all that covered. You need a bill paid? Call bill man. Car about to be repossessed? Call bill man. Don’t want to spend your own money? Do I really need to say it again?
You typically tease money man…making him think that you will give him some, but you never do…and if you do…you don’t let him smash… you (just might) let him taste it, that’s about it. Money man disillusions himself to think that one day he will become, [your man]. In some cases, money man knows all about your (real) man and has mass amounts of envy for him. Mm is typically not the most attractive of the 5 men listed. Having low self esteem is very common. Simply put, he enjoys your company, and/or the sex you’re willing to give him in exchange for goods…. and no, I’m not making this up.
Movie man wants everything that sex man, money man, and your man have, but doesn’t have the resolute to step up and take it. Instead he thinks of it constantly…every now and then bringing it up—and at that point you quickly change subjects. This man is cool to go out with.. you can eat and laugh with him.. or, go to a movie with him. Nights are short with this man because you very rarely go into his house, or sit and talk (that’s your man and friend man job). It’s usually you sitting on his couch waiting for him to get ready to go out, or, you meeting him somewhere to hang out. This man also is aware of [your man] but has no idea about money man, sex man and friend man.
If you just so happen to be single and have a movie man, you don’t take him seriously, he’s a stop gap, someone you spend aimless time with until you meet the man you really want.
Just A Friend
This is the man that you talk-to about all the above men. He knows it all. From your indiscretions, to your infidelity. You can tell him these things because you don’t see him as your man, (you’ve friend-zoned him) nor will you ever. He has the best conversation—better then everyone else. He keeps your best kept secret locked away, and can even be a great alibi if your man knows about him. Perhaps at one point friend man was go out to eat/movie man…but you just didn’t see him in a more advanced role, so…he ended up being friend man.
You may actually see friend man a little like you see sex man, but he is not as attractive to you sexually. You also don’t want to violate your friendship, so you keep things on the level they are. Friend man wants everything your man has. He will bring it up from time to time… but you always tell him, “I don’t see you that way.” Friend man typically has all the qualities you want in a man but for some reason you don’t pursue anything further. Know one knows why but you, (and probably your girlfriends).
He might be lacking in a critical area, or maybe you love your man so much you can’t leave him. This is why you have so many other different types of men. Friend man either hates your man with a passion, or he tolerates him—and really doesn’t care about the others, because he sees himself as better then them. Friend man just sits there and waits for the opportunity to pounce when you and your man break up. He is the comforter when your man is acting like an ass or you get into an argument. He is in all honesty…number two on the depth chart, waiting to be number one.
Thanks for reading.
Don’t forget to comment below!
In Lieu of Valentines day, and for those of us who are still single—it’s time to get un-single or at least find a date (in less than 24 hours).
Let’s talk about the Direct messenger. Also known as, “the DM,” or, “getting in-boxed.” The most notable Direct Messenger is the stand alone Facebook app. There are others that exist such as, WhatsApp, WeChat, Snapchat, Kik, QQ, Skype, Viber and LINE. I choose to speak about Facebook Messenger because it’s directly connected to your Facebook app. Which is, needless to say, the most powerful social network in the world. The others are popular, but do not compare to Facebook Messenger.
Yes, Facebook is the devil. (I’m kidding).
Messenger is notorious for spammers, scammers, married people seeking side relationships (side piece) outside their spouse, people in relationships seeking a threesome, people in relationships seeking someone outside their partner (without their partners knowledge of course). And finally, people seeking relationships with a complete stranger or someone on their friends list. Which is, completely harmless.
That being said, I don’t want to talk about the negative aspect of the direct messenger. Let’s talk about all the features, positive experiences and stories that have come from a simple acknowledgement of a Direct Message.
It Goes Down In The DM
What does that mean? It means, “embrace the direct messenger.” Be open to the possibilities that a simple direct message can bring you. I get it, you don’t know this person in-boxing you. They are not on your friends list, you have no mutual friends. So who are they? Is their page fake? “Let’s go look.” “he has 1000 friends and a few recent posts people have responded too.”
Instead of engaging him, you ignore him. Why? His message was respectful. He introduced himself, told you upfront that you didn’t know each other and had no affiliation, but he saw you on a public Facebook post and wanted to ask about you. Sounds like a decent introduction to me. And what’s the worse that can happen? It’s not like he’s a TV repairman turned death row criminal that will come through your internet modem and kill you. It’s an online experience. If you don’t like what has to say, it’s as easy as, “close and block.” Stop ignoring those DM pings. You know you see that message notification. If you are curious to see if someone has messaged you that is not on your friends list, go to your filtered message (message requests) inbox. You will probably find a few people who tried to reach out to you.
By The Numbers
It’s important for you to understand just how many users on Facebook designate as single. Now compare that against the users in a relationship or involved (it’s complicated).
The below data states there were 669,600,000 active Facebook users designated as single as of, September 7th of 2016.
That’s a lot of single people on one website. Of course there’s a percentage of those users that are not single, but are designated as single. But let’s just say that percentage is 20%. That still leaves 535,680,000 single people on Facebook, and you only need to meet 1. Also, there’s a high possibility that of those 535,680,000 users that at least 10 of them will reach out to you at some point during your time on Facebook. 1 of those 10 might be your future mate. So the odds are definitely in your favor. But not if you don’t embrace your DM.
Oh yeah… As of April 2016 The Facebook Messenger had 900 million active users. By July 2016 the number was 1 billion.
Consequently, you have a better chance meeting someone on Facebook for free, by simply letting it, “go down.”
What do you have to lose?
A Different Perspective On the Direct Messenger
Right now you’re giving this article the side-eye. Like…”I can’t.” Really? Think about it. If you’re single, there’s high chance that you have been on a dating site. Or at least visited one before because you were curious. Dating sites are about as random as they come. At least with Facebook, some of the random people who reach out to you with romantic interests have mutual friends or connections. On dating sites, the meetings are completely random no matter how much they say they’re, “matching,” you. That being said, if you can go to a dating site and spend time setting up a profile, sourcing through profiles and responding direct messages and emails (while paying). Why wouldn’t you try it on Facebook which is free as the air we breathe?
Free vs Paid… no-brainer right?
Direct Messenger Success
It doesn’t take much. A posted pic or comment and someone will be inspired to send a message that will potentially lead to a relationship. Success favors the bold. So….be bold!
Success happens a lot more often than you think. People will talk about all the DM horror stories and frighten off those of us who might be open a random message request, had we not listened to them in the first place. Block out all that interference and go for it!
But hey… you don’t have to listen to me… according to TheKnot.com, below is a real life example of how going outside your box and opening yourself up to something unconventional, can lead to happiness.
They Met On Facebook
THE COUPLE: Kendra Cowser, 30, and Sean O’Brien, 32 WHEN THEY MET: January 2010 WEDDING DATE: September 14, 2013
THEIR STORY: Kendra rarely friended anyone on Facebook other than people she knew, but in 2009 fate stepped in when Sean sent her a friend request. Although Kendra didn’t know him, he lived near her hometown of Galva, Illinois, and thought they might have mutual friends in common, so she accepted. None of his friends looked familiar though so she just let it go, until six months later when Sean started “liking” some of her photos. One night as she was packing up her apartment in Chicago getting ready to coincidentally head back to Galva, Kendra finally decided to satisfy her curiosity and message him. Sean responded immediately and they ended up writing back and forth all night. And then every day forward. It turns out Sean didn’t know her but she popped up in his list of people he might know. “I saw a cute girl and I wanted to add her,” he recalls. Both admitted that neither of them was planning on starting a relationship at the time, but it sure turned into one. Two days after Kendra was back in Galva, Sean was at her doorstep with a bottle of wine to celebrate meeting in person. In July 2012, Sean messaged her on Facebook (of course!) to ask her to go ring shopping—his way of proposing—and last September they threw a huge bash that their guests described as “the best wedding they’ve ever been to!”
It’s not hard, just proactively send a message or respond to one that comes into your inbox. I’d quickly vet them out. Check their page, make sure they have an acceptable amount of friends (No new pages). Check for mutual friends. Also, see if they have some public posts you can view. Click on a few pics, and go from there.
I told ya’ll that I was going through stress. I’ve been trying to do meditation (still a work in progress), exercise and practicing mindfulness to help combat this. Last week I was really stressed out and venting to my man. I needed to hear his soothing words and comfort.
He did. But, there was an instance that he accused me of using the Lord’s name in vain. I didn’t. But, he felt that my word was too close and it offended him morally. I paused. I had to check myself because I was going to say something that would have had him questioning whether or not he wanted to be my man. Yep, I can be slick. But, I paused.
There is something about pausing.
Pausing allows you to check yourself. Pausing allows you to really get a hold of your words and head before they exit your mouth. I paused before I lost my mind and temper.
I sighed. I said “This conversation is beginning to stress me out, so I’m going to bid you a good night and we’ll talk later.” He said okay and we got off the phone.
I thought – This man has lost his ever loving mind and I can’t believe that we are going through this. This is too much drama and I don’t know if he gets me. How can I be in a relationship with a man that censors me or my thoughts?
I called my best friend because you know that I needed someone to give me a reality check about my situation. She listened to me vent and said she sees both sides of the issue. But, she told me to take a few days and just get through what I’m going to before circling back with him. I told her “Uh huh. Okay. I will.”
She said “Kee, look I need you to take a few days and get your head around what you’re going through so that you can process your feelings about what occurred with you two. Don’t let your fear help you take flight on one of the best relationships you’ve ever had.”
She acted like she knew me. Yes, I tend to run when things don’t feel right, but that’s part of my personality. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and when I want to be out, I will be. Plain and simple. No need to sugar coat it. Life’s too short.
But, I paused.
She was right. I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t entitled to feel the way I feel, but I didn’t want to combine the issues and make him pay for something he didn’t do because I was in a bad space. That wasn’t fair too him. He and I needed to talk.
The good news is that I couldn’t wait a few days. I woke up the next morning needing to talk to him. I called him and told him how I felt. I told him that I respect his morals and values, but I felt as though he wasn’t listening to me and further more that he chose that moment to interrupt me as though I stabbed him. I explained that I needed him to tell me how I was supposed to be in a relationship with someone that I couldn’t be myself with? Someone who censored me.
Man when I tell you that there is a purpose for the pause, believe it. There is always a purpose. He explained his position, but he told me that he didn’t want me to feel censored in any way. He told me that he wasn’t censoring me and he just felt the need to say something.
I explained that I was going to run, but my best friend called me on my BS. I was scared. Scared that he wasn’t as good of a person as I thought. I know it wasn’t fair, but I needed to talk to him and be reassured that I could trust him with everything. My deepest fears. My biggest dreams. Me.
I wasn’t ready to walk away from the man that made me think that I could do anything, but I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to censor me. I spent so many years in the corner trying to figure out my life that I don’t believe in that anymore. What you see is what you get so I need you to be as transparent with me as I am with you. Open and honest. Free flowing and free thinking. I need that.
Does this mean that we’re okay? Yeah. We’re good. The thing is that relationships are about learning each other and trying to find the common ground. Knowing what affects him matters to me and I’m sure it goes for him. It’s not perfect and this was a major hurdle to climb over, but I’m not too grown to know when I was wrong and vice versa. The joys of relationships.
I never thought that I would meet someone on-line. I never subscribed to the belief that my “happily ever after” was out in cyberspace somewhere. But, that belief changed when I realized that no one was approaching me and asking me out for a date. I’m an attractive woman. I’m successful, sweet, charming and all those good things. Heck, I love me.
But, where were all those available men? Where had they gone? The ones that pursued me with a purpose before my marriage. I struggled with the fact that men didn’t approach me anymore. However, I had a lot of rules. What kind of rules? Well, you can’t ask me out if you are directly involved with my son through his school or social activities. No dating people from church. You can’t approach me if you see me with my son.
Yep, I laugh at this, but I was really limiting my choices on how to find a suitable partner. With all those limitations that I had placed on myself, then how would I ever meet someone? I had no choice but to try on-line dating.
Ugh, it was hard as heck. There were so many men that were fronting on their qualifications (looks, employment or what they were really looking for) that I became frustrated and uninterested. Every man was a potential waster of my time. Not everyone.
There were a few men that I actually met that I still keep in touch with. We weren’t compatible. It didn’t work out. Their issues and my issues made us an atomic bomb waiting to detonate. There were good times. There were bad times. There were just times.
I fell for one though. I started to love someone after my ex-husband. I didn’t believe it possible, but I did. He made me laugh. He made me feel beautiful, alive and sexy. He helped me regain the confidence of my youth. He said the right things. Most of the time.
He was a filler. A filler for the emptiness that I was feeling inside. I was lonely ya’ll. I wanted someone to love me and I wanted to love again. To trust again. To believe that I could find someone to be in a relationship with. He confused me.
Whew! He had it going on. He was both romantic and affectionate with me. Something that I never had. I never experienced a man kissing and making out with me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Everywhere. In the car, in restaurants and on the street. He made me feel loved. I wrote about him a lot on this blog. He was the inspiration behind my short story By Faith. It was his love that I yearned for. I wanted him to give it to only me. Not the countless women he was dating. Just me.
I told him how I wanted more. I told you how I wanted More from him. He couldn’t give me more. I called him a collector, but he really was a filler. He was there filling my time and mind and confusing me. Here I was asking, wanting and pleading for more of a real relationship with just us two in it.
Begging. Why the hell should you have to beg someone for a relationship? If it was meant to be then it will be. No force. So, I had to unwrap my soul from his. Free myself from his hold. Recognize that I’m worth more than those free moments of passion. I deserve love. True love.
So, I ended it. I wrote about it in my post Death to Love. It was hard. He was sexy. He had swagger. He smelled so good. He was a great kisser. He was a great lover. He was all those things he should have been, but he wasn’t for me. His purpose was to fill in the gaps and remind me of how beautiful I am. To show me that I am worthy of real love and true love, not just with him.
And that’s what he did. He laid the foundation for me to know and experience the kind of love I deserved. However, it wasn’t that easy for me to break from negative habits and behaviors. I was lonely and craved sincerity and companionship.
I met someone after him. Different from the one that I loved and yet somehow similar. He was the perfect gentleman. Or so I thought.
Dating now is a lot like going shopping when you don’t have any money. Even if you find the right thing, you can’t do anything about it. –Joshua Harris
Recently, I’ve been listening to the frustrations of dating and in particular…Who should pay? Should women ever offer to pay? Should men accept the offer? How long should a man and woman date before a woman ever offers to pay? So, I headed to cyberspace to do my research and came across this article on the Huffington Post, written by Catherine Pearson,“Men Still Paying for Dates…And Women are Partly Responsible”. Interesting title right? In short, a study was done and found the following information helpful:
84 percent of men and 58 percent of women say men pay for most entertainment expenses — even after they have been dating for some time
57 percent of women say they offer to help pay
39 percent admitted that they hoped men would reject their offers to pay
44 percent were bothered when men expected them to chip in
Nearly two-thirds of men believe women should contribute to dating expenses
So, interesting points, right? This is so true. I’m dying laughing. Mr. C still pays for 95% of our dates and it’s been a year and half of dating. I pay occasionally, but I do believe that a man should pay for dates. However, before you think me cruel and not considerate to the man that I love, I must say that I’m not. Although he pays for most dates, I do tend to spend more on gifts. I am a gift giver so I pick up things just because gifts.
But, I wanted to give you an economic breakdown of how a potential suitor may stack up in the dating market. Now, let’s say he’s a 40 year old male (divorced) with a 7 year old child who is in school full-time (first grade) and living in the Washington, DC area. We will give him a career as an IT specialist making about $85,000 a year.
Two bedroom apartment in a not so good area in the Washington, DC Area
Includes Gas, Electric, Cable and Cell Phone
Gas for the Car
Credit Card Bills
Expenses with car maintenance and dating
Student Loan Payments
Required as part of his divorce decree to assist in the payment of his child’s medical expenses
Based it off a monthly two person rate of $1100 with him paying 20%
Total a Month
85,000/26 (pay periods)
Pay Period (Gross)
3,269.23*40% (taxes and benefits)
Taxes and benefits deducted
Total (Net) per Pay Period
1961.54*26(pay periods)/12 (months)
Sobering reality huh? Looking at the chart above, this man is already broke before taking you out to dinner even though by most standards he’s making a pretty good salary. Just not enough to date living in the Washington, DC area and being divorced.
I recently read a report about how some families in Silicon Valley who are making above $150,000 are struggling. Reason…housing is pricey. So, the man that I just described above is not necessarily living in the best neighborhoods with a 2 bedroom and paying $1200. Housing in a good neighborhood is not affordable to him.
How can he afford to court and woo you on this salary? Is it fair for him to take you out weekly at an average spend of $80.00 or more? Does his financial status make him ineligible to be considered a life partner? Maybe. It’s up to you.
Mr. C was right when he told me that Roland Martin said a black man in America has to work two jobs. The reality is that in this day in age, everyone needs a side hustle or another stream of income. The cost of living, dating, paying child support, paying alimony and/or paying back student loans makes it impossible to date without a second income.
Mr. C’s income is going to change as he has a son entering college in the fall which will tie up some of his disposable income. In other words, I know that he will not be able to take me out all the time. I’m cool with that. We’ll find cheaper ways to date because I understand his situation. I’m going to probably pay for more dates. I guess I should as it’s been over a year and half. LOL.
I think the key is that you should be flexible in the beginning of dating. A man should pay for the first three or four dates. After we get to the fourth date, I know that you’re probably a good guy and I will offer to get some dates. I took Mr. C to my favorite jazz spot for dinner and jazz in Philly on our fourth date. I drove, paid tolls, gas, entrance for the concert and dinner. He was shocked. You see how I do it right?
Really though, the key is that if there is longevity, let’s be honest about whether or not you can afford something that week. Let’s think of low cost or free activities and budget dates. I’m not above it. If I want to go out with you then I’ll pay. But, let’s be clear…I’m not financing our relationship.