Broken Trust

I thought we were friends. I trusted him. I believed in him. I didn’t know that one sunny spring day he would force himself on me. I didn’t know how to handle the fact that I had been raped. So, I pushed it to the back of my mind.

I left feeling like I wanted to die. This was the third time that I had been touched. That a boy or man had put his hands on me against my will. Why the hell did this keep happening to me?

I had so many questions, but I pushed them through the back of my mind. I needed to go home. I didn’t want to go home. I went to my best friend’s house. I cried. She hugged me. She begged me to call the police. “No” I responded.

I didn’t want anyone to know. I couldn’t take the ridicule from the kids at school. Two boys had forced themselves on me on the school bus. They held me down as they tried to kiss me. Grinded on me as I begged them to stop. They felt my breasts.

I couldn’t sleep. I went to the school counselor. They were so upset and concerned. They filed a report. Called my mother. Reported the boys. The boys were popular. I was not. I was vilified. Ridiculed. I asked for it.

Funny thing is how can you ask for something you didn’t want? How could you ask for someone to touch you inappropriately as you begged them to get off you? Damn kids. I hated men. I never wanted a man.

The rape brought up those same feelings of inadequacy. He was popular. I would be ostracized again. I couldn’t take it anymore. The saltiness of my tears mixed with the shower water as my best friend bathed my naked body and cried with me.

I made her promise. Promise not to tell anyone. A child promising to keep the secret that her best friend had been raped. 

I didn’t know the magnitude of that burden that I asked her to carry. I just needed to get home. To take care of my brother and sister. I had to heat up dinner, help with homework, clean the kitchen and put them to bed.

I cried myself to sleep that night begging God to take my life.

Advertisements

35 thoughts on “Broken Trust

  1. Secrets manifest on to bigger issues. Protecting a violater diminishes your strength. You, Dear are so much greater than what happens to you. Believe in you again. I am proud of you. Throwing prayers of love, strength and beauty towards you for you deserve all goodness & triumphs. Hugs!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your words. I was a child and this society is not good with protecting victims. We as a society have to do better than let our children be victims of rapists. It’s easier to get angry and want to persecute a child molester but how many rapists are really persecuted? It pains me. I’m hoping we can change that. When I realized that so many young girls and women are raped daily and they never report it, my heart breaks.

      Like

      1. I can attest for my own tribulations and say not as many are brought to justice as they should be. It is heartbreaking, very. I know what was going through my mind and my friend’s mind, and we weren’t even children, we were in college. Yet, she was fearful we’d be in trouble because we had underage drinking. . . and then when it came to the police and prosecutors they made it so hard to call it “rape.” Questions like: “Are you sure you said no”, “What did he say?”, “Was there any witnesses”, “Did you try to fight and say no”. . .it got really stupid. Looking back I wish I had been more aware and courageous, but the system did not encourage strength of that sort. I learned from it all, and today I would help any young woman do what I didn’t feel I was capable of doing then. ♥

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The system is set up against us. We have to be dang near virginal and even then maybe you asked for it because your shirt was too low. Don’t go to a party and have a drink because maybe you said something that led him to believe it was a yes. You would have to be violently beaten to get a rape charge. It’s sad. Sigh! We have to protect our girls.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I just read it. Wow! I can’t believe she’s survived all that. I knew I wasn’t alone, but dang we’ve got to change the way society persecutes women instead of prosecuting the men. Thanks for sharing.

      Like

      1. LOL. Yes, protecting men. Please excuse the typo. Thank you. I just want girls/women to know that I am like them and there is no shame. We’re surviving in spite of what happened and we have to advocate for the victims and stop protecting the rapists. It’s a journey. Thanks again Violet!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comments. It’s not painful to share my story anymore. It’s kind of cathartic. If I had to do it over, then I would have said something, but I don’t know. Society still blames girls/women for rape.

      Like

  2. I can’t imagine going through something like this. I am sorry that you had to experience that. I’m tired of the whole “you were asking for it” crap line they shell out. No one has any right to put their hands on you without your permission even if you were to walk around f’in naked!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I suppose she was a good friend to respect your wishes. I wish she had persisted to encourage you to open up. I get you were afraid to feel like the one to blame but the fact is you are not. Sometimes a lot of women seem to attract abusive men. It is far more common than you think. You are not to blame and you are not alone xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have spent many nights in tears, trying to wrap my head around the actions of the monsters I’ve encountered in life. I have yet to come to a concrete understanding of why they are the way they are and do the things they do. Yet, I have concluded that like all scars, we bare them as signs of strength and lessons learned. This post for me is synonymous with that strength, because you are bold enough to speak on your experience in such a creative and humble way, and have undoubtedly helped someone who needed to read this . . . myself included.
    Thank you Queen, and love you all the same ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Egypt! My story is like a lot of other young girls/women and I want to encourage us to just speak out about it and protect the victims. I’m raising a son and the thing he will know is that “No means No” and you need to get over it. I will teach him about my rape and let him know that I am a survivor so it is never a question of whether he should do anything that makes a young woman feel inappropriate. There is strength in our scars sis!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “I am a survivor so it is never a question of whether he should do anything that makes a young woman feel inappropriate.” <—yep 0-100 real quick, that made me tear up thinking about all the young men who haven't and won't receive that knowledge, understanding on the most basic of levels. ♥ Munch is truly a well blessed young man in the rearing!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh dear God it must have been terrible to go through this. But you are so brave to have come out of it and through your blog, I’m sure you are helping many women out there who may have faced a similar situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It breaks my heart knowing what you went through. It breaks my heart knowing that as we speak someone out there somewhere, right now is going through exactly what you did and is feeling exactly as you felt. It sickens me that we are violated, and it just keeps on happening.
    I am so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lynne. I share my story to let others know that I am you. You are me. We are all interconnected and it is never okay for us to be touched against our will. We have to advocate for the victims and not the perpetrators of the crime. We have to give them a voice.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh my. This is heavy. Too heavy of a thing to carry at your young age of the incident. (Not that it’s okay at any age.) But you just want to disappear rather than be thrown into this huge spectacle that comes when you report someone. I’m very sorry. I feel your pain here. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Reading your story makes me so angry! Who do they think they are, these men…all these men who do this to girls and women. I would like to grab their shoulders, shake them and shout in their face “who do you think you are?” “how can you possibly think that this is acceptable?” “guess what? it is not! not acceptable!” – The only thing that consoles me a bit is to see that you survived, not let it break you. That you grew to be strong, so strong that you are even able to write about it. You are a great woman!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s