2016 advice dating dating chronicles divorce marriage relationships

Can You Submit?

I told ya’ll about how Mr. C had this white horse moment in my post last week entitled A White Horse Moment and how it made  me feel. Well, in that same therapy session my therapist asked this question…

Can you submit to Mr. C?

I was like huh? She repeated the question “Can you  submit to Mr. C?” I responded. “Yes.” I began to explain to her that I learned in pre-marital counseling how women are supposed to submit and men are supposed to love their wives like Christ loved the church.

Ephesians 5:25-30 (NRSV)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body.

I told her that I believed that was my problem in my last marriage. That I didn’t submit, partly because I’m stubborn, but partly because I didn’t feel like he loved me like Christ loved the church. I told her that I really meditated and prayed over that verse to understand how I’m supposed to be loved and I never felt that. I said, “I mean Jesus died for the church. He died for us. So, what men are willing to die for their spouses?”

Now, I’m not expecting a man to die literally (I think I’m not expecting this) but the point of it is that loving a wife, your wife, should be as easy and flawless as your love of Christ and self. But, that doesn’t always happen. In that case, could you really submit to a man that didn’t love you with ease?

Please don’t think that I’m saying that I was flawless in my marriage. I wasn’t. I wasn’t a perfect wife nor anywhere near it. I was struggling because I didn’t know what the heck a wife’s real role was. What did it mean to be a wife? I mean I knew the same passage in Ephesians that stated…

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NRSV)

22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. 24 Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.

But how do you submit? How do you submit and give yourself truly to your spouse when you spend so much of your life being independent? It was hard. No one told me how to submit. I tried to run the household and so did he. So, you know what happened right? There can’t be two heads of household.

The thing that I learned about myself (because you really can only control yourself) is that tragedies in my life and how I grew up made me the way that I am. I have to believe that I have control over my life. I know that I really don’t have control over my life. I know that, but I try to control a lot of things in my life to feel some sort of normalcy. Mr. C showed up in that moment to “rescue me”.

That meant that he would be there for me and my son. That I could trust that he would protect and look after us. That was a huge shift in my life because I didn’t think that I could trust anyone outside of my two best friends. But, Mr. C was always there showing me that he had my back.

When I moved in April, my two best friends literally packed up my house and were there moving me with the movers. They did it all. They’ve always had my back. When I couldn’t afford the cleaning staff to clean the apartment because of all the expenses with the move and Munch’s birthday party I was in there cleaning every single night. Scrubbing and sweeping.

Mr. C said to me “Why haven’t you asked me to help you?” I told him that he wasn’t my boyfriend so I didn’t think I could ask for his help. He said “I’m your friend and you could”. He was.

He showed up after work and helped me clean my refrigerator and sweep and mop the kitchen floor with his work clothes on. He carried trash to the dumpsters and packed the last few things in my car making sure that everything was done. He had protected me.

Even in the early stages of us dating I realized that he had my back and I just had to let him. He’s learning to butt in and let me know that he’s there to help me when I’m being too stubborn or independent to ask for it and I’m learning to let my guard down and know that I could submit to a man.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m trusting.


  1. So few people are willing to grow. It amazes me how many are stuck in a rut. Whenever I ask a fiend at work how she is doing she answers in the negative. Then when I ask why, the reasons are the same or similar. Then I think, “Oh my…you have not lived…” but I never say this of course. I try to cheer her, get her to walk with me. Her only child, an adult son, seems to be on the same track. He is constantly hating and losing jobs because the system around him is at fault in some way. At a certain point, we are what we make ourselves and we have to chose happy. It’s hard to recognize what we do to our own person, but we can certainly see it in others.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. True. It is a continuous progress. You have to challenge yourself to think differently and to be different. The seeds you sow will grow in the garden you reap. Reap positive things not negative things.


  2. I appreciate you Sis, as you ALWAYS say exactly what I need to hear. I’ve been having issues with my wife lately, mainly communication stuff, and it all has to do with living my truth and being on this new Spiritual Journey to find myself and beginning to trust my intuition. With that said, there is a fine line in controlling your environment and controlling the people around you to accommodate your growth, if you will. So even though this journey has been incredible on all fronts (listening better, speaking my truth, trusting my gut, living in kindness and love and light), there are certain things that my Ego is still trying to control. My wife and I are in this together. I have to keep at the forefront that we are both the church and that God is within us and that we should honor that in each other every day, and that we are both growing and learning. It was an important lesson to remember….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks sis! Yes, we have to trust our partners. You have to know that if she takes the lead on some things that doesn’t mean that she’ll do it exactly as you want but you know that she’s got you right? It’s hard when we’re so dang independent, but we have to allow ourselves to be led and strive to be better each and every day. Yep, you’re right there is a fine line in controlling your environment and trying to control the people around you to accommodate your growth. Think of it as two beautiful plants in the same flower bed. Even though they are two whole flowers beautifully growing with no real intersection if you look beneath the soil, you will see their roots intertwined. You will see the dependence on each other.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The roots symbolism is beautiful…and that’s all it is….trusting that she has my bst interest, our kids interest, at heart, most of the times even before her own…it’s a beautiful thing to see and even more so to understand.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This have to be one of the most debated scripture in the Bible. I knew it before I knew Christ but didn’t have a clue what submitting looked like.
    What I learned through my experience is submitting is spiritual. And there is no woman out there who’s willing to submit to a man if he isn’t following God.
    I’m talking about actions not quoting scriptures.
    I say all that to say this: When I did my best to obey God my wife started submmiting to me.
    A woman will not submit if she have nothing to submit to.
    We men can’t be mad at women for not submitting we can only blame God for making the process like that.
    Happy New Year my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy New Year Vernon! Yep, totally agree. That’s what I want my son to know. That in order for a woman to submit, he has to show that he is following Christ in both attitude and actions. His authentic relationship with Christ will allow him to lead his family accordingly. But, he has to be sincere. I’ve often said that I would follow a man to the end’s of the earth if God was leading him.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Love and submission, very important in marriage! I heard someone advised recently,”As a wife, don’t wait till your husband loves you as Christ loves the church before you summit to him. And as a husband, don’t wait till your wife submits to you before you love her as Christ loves the Church. Just obey the Lord by doing your commanded role, the rest will be taken care of.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I struggle with submitting to a man, but it’s true what you said about learning to put our “guard down” I think that stems from deep insecurity, at least for me that is the case. Hoping to one day be free and submit to my man like I have nothing to lose. Great post


  6. I love the dynamic you and Mr. C have. It’s refreshing. I do have a question though and I don’t mean any disrespect to your viewpoint. It seems like you two have a respectful partnership where each person is helping the other person out equally so why do you believe that submitting is the action you are taking with him? Just curious. To be honest, I always had an issue with the idea to submit to a man. It always seems to be a symptom of this patriarchy society we live. However, when I read your piece, it sounds quite lovely so I am curious. I think you kinda explained it in the post but I guess I am just looking for any further depth into this or did you wrestle with this idea as well?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, I don’t think you’re being disrespectful. My belief of submission is based on the Bible. The man is supposed to truly love his wife like Christ loved the church. Christ gave up his life for the church. When you find the man that will give up his life for you literally, spiritually and physically then submission is not a problem. It should come naturally. So my submission to Mr C is based off my belief that he can lead us as a family, because he is following God. I am submitting to the man that God has selected for me to lead. intercessory on God’s behalf. I knew that I wanted to marry again someday. So when I explained to him that I wanted no sex before marriage and he understood that it meant that he wanted God’s covering to still be on me. A man who follows God will never ask you to choose sin. God gave me confirmation that Mr. C is the man I’m supposed to marry. Submission would come naturally because it’s a union blessed by God, I know Mr C loves me and I know he follows God.I hope this helps.

      Liked by 1 person

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