2017 advice dating dating chronicles relationships

Girl, Get Your Life!

Okay, this post is gonna hurt some of ya’ll’s feelings, but oh well. You can stop reading now. I ain’t gonna argue with the internet. But, let’s get real about some things shall we?

You still here? Good. Let me tell you what I can’t stand…women who don’t own their own issues. Now, before you say “T, men have issues too. I know that sis, but we’re dealing with yours right now.”

One of my biggest pet peeves is people that are not accountable. You don’t accept accountability for your own drama. We all make mistakes. We have to own them and keep moving forward. We can’t continue to act like we’re perfect and have  never done anything.

Last week as I was perusing Facebook and my girlfriend is an author and she always poses questions that people send her. This was the question of the day:

I broke up with my ex three years ago and recently found out he is getting married to the girl he cheated on me with. He wants our son to be in their wedding but I don’t know how I feel about this. Should I allow our son to be in the wedding of the woman who stole daddy? Is that the question?

Sigh. Tough situation to be in. I responded with this:

Yep. Let him be in the wedding if he wants too. It’s hard to not stoop to their level, but we have to be bigger.

Why? Because I truly believe that we have to be the bigger person. It’s their child too. Many comments were the same. However, there were a couple of women that decided that we were lying and should stop telling the woman to be the bigger person. Here were a couple of the comments:

And all the men and women who support this B.S. need to go have a seat in time out

since when did demanding respect becoming “stooping to their level”. Why does everyone expect this woman to become some kind of MARTYR for a ratchet negro…is that all Black people can be….Martyrs? Hell if we had of fought back in the 60’s instead of being martyrs we wouldn’t have Trump’s retarded ass in the White House

Oh, this post was lively. I decided to get out of it because I don’t have time to go back and forth with people who are in their feelings. My response doesn’t change. These women were in their feelings and of course a man called them on it. They were hot. However, your response clearly show that you were in your feelings.

The comments that were attached were about them and not about the child. They were not answering the questions. They were adding things that were not mentioned in the question that I wondered if it was one of them. They were wanting validation for their choices. Umm, where they do that at?

I don’t know anything about the people involved other than the question posed. So, we can’t assume that the father is spiteful, insensitive and such. That was a jump unless you know the couple personally or it’s you? Whatever the reason how can you put all this on the man?

This is where accountability comes in.

Are you being accountable?

What I’m saying is that you chose him. You chose to father a child with that man. He cheated on you. He’s marrying the woman that he cheated on you with. Is it right? Nope, but is it the kid’s fault that you chose wrong? Does that make him a bad father? We have to stop confusing being a father with being a boyfriend and a husband. We have to accept accountability for our choices in partners.

Yes, we chose them.

They may lie, cheat, steal, etc., but they didn’t force us into a relationship with them. We chose them. We seem to forget that and want to put the children in the middle. We can’t do that. We have to keep our emotions about who they are as a person out of it for the sake of our children.

I ended my comments with this:

To each his own. I gave my opinion and whether you agree or not is up to you. That doesn’t make yours right or mine wrong. Children are affected by the choices of their parents whether they be good or bad.

What are your thoughts?


    1. Interesting that you believed that I am judging her or that I’ve never been in her situation. Neither are true. I’m speaking of us taking accountability for our choices in men and not making the children pay for it. I was in a marriage where my spouse cheated on me more than once. Does that mean if he got married to his mistress I should keep his son from him? The two issues are completely separate. I think the problem with women is we’re getting in our own way. Just because he’s a bad boyfriend or husband does not mean that he’s a bad father. She chose him. I chose him. Don’t make your kids pay because you chose poorly. Too many kids are messed up by the decisions of their parents.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. To be honest, I feel like “to cheat on someone” is one of the highest levels of disrespect, so as a woman, I would obviously be hurting. But then again, and maybe this Is my ego showing, that kid is going to dress up like the prince of Wales and go for that wedding. Because my ex does Not deserve to know i’m hurt and secondly, it’s his kid too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely it would hurt. Anyone would, but would it be better if he never told you and got married on his scheduled visit with his child too? My child would be the best dressed little boy at that dang wedding because it wouldn’t be about him. It would be about my child.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As a woman who went through a divorce because of similar circumstances, I have always chosen, not matter my feelings about my ex, to put my daughter’s feelings first and as such, have cultivated something akin to friendship with my ex for my daughter’s sake. Was it always easy? No. Did I always want to? No. Was I sometimes seething at his behaviour? Yes, because the underlying issues between us didn’t go away. But my daughter is the more important part of this equation and it was paramount that she not suffer simply because her parents couldn’t make a go of it. My two cents. :0)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yep. Thank you for offering your two cents. I truly appreciate that.

      It is never easy. I felt her pain in the question she asked. Most of us have probably been there. But, we can’t put our children in the middle of our feelings toward their father. Especially if they are a good parent and a piss poor excuse as a boyfriend or husband. Allow their relationship to be separate from the issue.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I can tell you’re not passing judgement here. I agree with you as well that people (men/women) need to take responsibility for their actions. At one point that person was the love of your life. I ended an abusive marriage and not once did I speak out against my husband other than during the divorce proceeding while trying to convenience the judge why I needed full custody of my daughters but I did agree to shared custody under my terms. However I have never kept him out of this daughters lives, I left it up to him to build a relationship. Life’s too short to carry baggage of hurt round all your life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Preach Etta! I’ve done the same thing. Even in an abusive marriage you did everything to protect your girls and that’s all that matters. I grew up in an abusive home and even though my father never hit us (he hit my mom) my mom got full custody. She allowed him to cultivate and create a relationship with us and he chose not too. I learned from her to not put your children in the middle. My sister did too when she got divorced from her first husband. It is hard as heck. But, I tell you when you let that tired man and his antics not affect you…you realize you’re better off.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree! “Ain’t nobody gat time fa dat!”But I think it takes a level of maturity to do what WE’VE done. Move on after a bad marriage! Kids are not pawns and shouldn’t be used as such.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. But, we have to keep teaching people that they need too. If you won’t go to therapy and get help how are you bound not to imprint on your children? You have to move beyond the pain and BS and we as women need to hold each other accountable. Heck, I’m guilty as hell as being petty and my girlfriends have checked me on my spoiled behavior and brought me back to reality. It isn’t easy, but we have to keep trying to hold each other up and together. Sisterhood.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Agree with you 100%! Petty was my middle name, during my divorce I was held bent on NOT allowing my kids quality time with their dad, but then realised the only people who were going to be hurt in the situation were my daughters. But some women have nothing else to hold onto is their attitudes. Take that away and they have nothing to gripe about. Even with therapy and friends to put them on the right track, they feed on that drama. Blame on the stereotypical ‘Mad Black Woman,’ blame on the daddy who treat you wrong. But women need to get their act together and take a long look in the mirror.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Whew. I think you know some of mine already, but I think truly the best thing we can do for ourselves is to realize there are always two people in every situation, own our piece so we can learn and grow, and then forgive yourself and the other person so you don’t stay stuck. We are all just humans after all and life is way too short to have someone else’s choices make you miserable for the rest of your life. I’d rather be happy.

    But to each his own. I can’t force other people to do the same. Everyone walks their own path.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. True. But, the word says to Guard your heart. You chose a loser as a partner. It happens. I raise my hand on that too. But, in the end I am better because I allow myself to not keep that bitterness in my heart and spirit. It would affect my ability to raise my son. I gave it to God and trust me I am so much better off than I ever thought possible. Don’t focus on the problem of the foolish man and allow God’s provision to manifest in your life. Your children are better off seeing you happy with someone else or alone than miserable with a man that wouldn’t stay faithful. You deserve better.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I should also add it’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Not everyone has the same soul as we do…or is as deserving of your love.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I think I’d let the child be a part of the wedding. As a guy, I’d be hurt if my wife cheated, left me for another man, then eventually married him. But, she’d still be the mother of my child. That said, I was a child of divorce myself, and I watched my mom struggle, lose my dad to an affair, to the woman whom he’d marry, and they still are to this day. I was 7, and used as a pawn. It sucked. After going through it myself, from the child’s perspective, setting aside the anger and sparing me the front-row seat to it all, would’ve been a much better scenario. So, I agree with you. The woman in your example can hate her ex all she wants. And I wouldn’t blame her if she did. But the child did nothing wrong, and should not be used to punish the dad. It’s not fair that she was cheated on, of course not. But as a parent, ones first priority should ALWAYS be ones children, and that includes making choices we do not always like. Alienating a child from one of their parents simply because the other parent is angry or hurt is not a good recipe. Trust me. Been there, done that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Preach. You said it all. No truer words. Thank you for sharing your point of view and your experience. I never want my son to be used as a pawn. I’ve been to hell and back with his dad, but I know that I chose him as my partner and what I got was a beautiful boy. So, I keep my personal feelings about him as a man separate from his ability to parent and love our son. My son is better off because I’m able to do this. He loves his father. He has an incredible relationship with him and he knows that although we are not married he is the best gift we ever received.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Y’all are doing him a great service by not using him against one another. He’ll have great relationships with you both because of how y’all are doing this, and teaching him lessons he’ll thank you for some day. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  6. People are complex. You are (IMHO) spot on in that the child should share this day with his dad, and not be used as a sort of pawn for his mum to exert her hurt feelings. But oh my, is that a hard thing to do! My ex did some rotten stuff to me, emotionally, in our divorce but I have never once regretted taking the high road, and that meant not talking smack about him to our 19 year old daughter. He is her daddy, and he is a pretty good one. They have their relationship; it was our relationship that failed.
    But some folks are broken, and have a lot of work to do in order to own their shit, be accountable. I try to take into account where someone is in his or her journey, in how accountable they might be. Try to gently lead them to listen to their better angels!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You hit it right on the head ” They have their relationship; it was our relationship that failed.” I think that women are confusing the issue. The question didn’t say he beat me up and now wants my child to be at his wedding. He cheated and is marrying the other woman. It’s painful as heck, but you’re better off without him so keeping your child away from his wedding is about you and not about your child. I’ve been there too. My son’s father loves the hell out of him and I have to keep my personal feelings out of it. It gets hard. But, trust me when I tell you that parents don’t realize the damage they do when they play the pawn game. It can backfire on you. Yep, but don’t ask if you don’t want too. I’m a firm believer that I’m not going to ask something that I don’t want to know. My opinion was to let him go to the wedding to support his father. Whether you choose to or not is up to you. But, the back and forth between the other women was mind blowing. You don’t need me to validate your foolish choices. Do what you think is best.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I am with you and have been through it! Its hard but I sent a baby book and gifts. I was angry and mad but always made sure he could talk to his kids and even visit. Now 6 years later I am glad that i tried to be at my best and do what was right for the kids! Again it was soo heartbreaking and sad for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Lynz for commenting. It is hard. It’s never easy. The thing is that her question was simple. Should she allow her child to attend. We don’t know anything other than that and I would rather know that he’s getting married and send my son than have him sneak and have a wedding during his allotted visit time. That would be worse. Things fall apart and the reality is that it sucks but you have to keep it together and move on for the children. If he is an abusive parent and abused the child then you have to do what is best. However, that wasn’t the question. The question was about his ability as a partner and not his ability as a parent and we have to stop confusing the two. I would never tell a parent who was in an abused situation to send their child.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I completely agree with you. That is an adult response. I hate to hear when adults use children – or anyone really, but especially children – to create a rift. It’s disgusting behavior. Why wouldn’t a man want his child at is wedding? As long as he and his gf/wife are loving, present and healthy to care for the kid, where is the issue?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. None to me. Most people will plan their wedding on their scheduled visits with their child so as not to have to negotiate with women. Heck, when Mr. C and I do it I’ll be doing the same thing. But, I won’t have a problem telling my ex and I hope he feels the same way. Stuff didn’t work out, but trust we are better off now.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I agree with you. As challenging as it can be, the most important thing is to look out for your child’s best interest. Combining the roles of “ex” and “co-parent” can be absolute hell. But it can be done. I am letting my children be in their father’s wedding, and what he did was far worse than just leaving me for her. But I will never hold them back from things they desire, because I am their mother first, and I feel like by taking away that option, I am stealing an opportunity from them. I refuse to allow him and his actions to dictate mine, and like Michelle Obama, I have determined that no matter what, I will take the high road. This is a fabulously thought-provoking post!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I completely agree with the advice you gave. It has nothing to do with the egregious behavior of the husband and unless the child would have been put in a dangerous situation by being in the wedding, there is no logical reason why he shouldn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely. She didn’t say he abused the child. She said he cheated on her and was marrying the other woman. It’s 2017 and I just want us to own our issues and not project them or imprint on our children.

      Thanks so much for commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL. Hard to say?

      Feelings totally matter. I never disregard feelings, but being an emotional wreck doesn’t excuse us for keeping our children from a good parent. I just want us to be accountable for our choices.


  11. I don’t think you were judging at all. In fact, I think your response was the right one. However, if my son’s father asked if he can a part of his wedding, it’d be a “oh, hell no!”, but that’s only because he didn’t want to be a part of his son’s life to begin with. No parent should decide the child should be a part of their lives one minute, and not the next. Not sure if this is the case with your friend though. I do like reading your posts. You’re a very wise individual.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you. I just try to share lessons learned. I’m as fucked up as the next person, but I’m thankful for experience and people to call me on my BS. The woman wasn’t my friend and I just wanted her to put her feelings aside for the sake of her child. If her child had never known the father, then heck no. No where without me. But, the key is that you don’t need anyone to validate your choices as a mother unless you wonder if you’re wrong. Heck, I make many mistakes and when I ask for advice and/or guidance it is because I know that I could be doing something that I know is not right and I want to make sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. when are people going to understand that the moment you have a child, the decisions you make (especially involving them) are no longer for your benefit, but for theirs? By keeping the child from his fathers wedding, you not only are creating a riff in the co-parenting sphere, but you are also teaching the child to disrespect a new step-parent. Marriage is a big step, it’s not (usually) something people just do on a whim. Regardless of the circumstances in which they got together, they are together. And that woman is going to be around that little boy on a regular basis. The life lesson you teach your child here is that sometimes life isn’t fair, but you put on a brave face and you do what’s RIGHT. I don’t even understand how this was a question in the first place.. people amaze me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know right? It’s ridiculous. I assumed that the question was asked by someone in pain and uncertainty, but the back and forth with some of the women on the post was plain disrespectful. When you have children it is always about the best interest of the child. Not our personal BS with each other. You don’t like it? Make better choices. Everyone makes mistakes and God forgives us so we have to move on and be positive for our children. Focus on them and ask God to remove your issues and allow you to be better and not bitter. Thanks so much for commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

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