Dating in the DM – The Potential of the Facebook Direct Messenger


In Lieu of Valentines day, and for those of us who are still single—it’s time to get un-single or at least find a date (in less than 24 hours).

Let’s talk about the Direct messenger. Also known as, “the DM,” or, “getting in-boxed.” The most notable Direct Messenger is the stand alone Facebook app. There are others that exist such as, WhatsApp, WeChat, Snapchat, Kik, QQ, Skype, Viber and LINE. I choose to speak about Facebook Messenger because it’s directly connected to your Facebook app. Which is, needless to say, the most powerful social network in the world. The others are popular, but do not compare to Facebook Messenger.

Yes, Facebook is the devil. (I’m kidding).

Direct messenger is the devil - or is it
Photo Credit: Chris Newnham

The Bad

Messenger is notorious for spammers, scammers, married people seeking side relationships (side piece) outside their spouse, people in relationships seeking a threesome, people in relationships seeking someone outside their partner (without their partners knowledge of course). And finally, people seeking relationships with a complete stranger or someone on their friends list. Which is, completely harmless.

That being said, I don’t want to talk about the negative aspect of the direct messenger. Let’s talk about all the features, positive experiences and stories that have come from a simple acknowledgement of a Direct Message.


It Goes Down In The DM

Woman-holding-home-accessing-direct messenger
Photo Credit: i-m priscilla

What does that mean? It means, “embrace the direct messenger.” Be open to the possibilities that a simple direct message can bring you. I get it, you don’t know this person in-boxing you. They are not on your friends list, you have no mutual friends. So who are they? Is their page fake? “Let’s go look.” “he has 1000 friends and a few recent posts people have responded too.”

Instead of engaging him, you ignore him. Why? His message was respectful. He introduced himself, told you upfront that you didn’t know each other and had no affiliation, but he saw you on a public Facebook post and wanted to ask about you. Sounds like a decent introduction to me. And what’s the worse that can happen? It’s not like he’s a TV repairman turned death row criminal that will come through your internet modem and kill you. It’s an online experience. If you don’t like what has to say, it’s as easy as, “close and block.” Stop ignoring those DM pings. You know you see that message notification. If you are curious to see if someone has messaged you that is not on your friends list, go to your filtered message (message requests) inbox.  You will probably find a few people who tried to reach out to you.

By The Numbers

It’s important for you to understand just how many users on Facebook designate as single. Now compare that against the users in a relationship or involved (it’s complicated).

The below data states there were 669,600,000 active Facebook users designated as single as of, September 7th of 2016.

Single 37 %
Married 31 %
In a Relationship 24 %
Engaged 3 %
It’s Complicated 3 %
source: Statistic Brain, September 7th, 2016.

That’s a lot of single people on one website.  Of course there’s a percentage of those users that are not single, but are designated as single. But let’s just say that percentage is 20%. That still leaves 535,680,000 single people on Facebook, and you only need to meet 1.  Also, there’s a high possibility that of those 535,680,000 users that at least 10 of them will reach out to you at some point during your time on Facebook. 1 of those 10 might be your future mate. So the odds are definitely in your favor.  But not if you don’t embrace your DM.

Oh yeah… As of April 2016 The Facebook Messenger had 900 million active users.  By July 2016 the number was 1 billion.

Consequently, you have a better chance meeting someone on Facebook for free, by simply letting it, “go down.”

What do you have to lose?

A Different Perspective On the Direct Messenger

Right now you’re giving this article the side-eye. Like…”I can’t.” Really? Think about it. If you’re single, there’s high chance that you have been on a dating site. Or at least visited one before because you were curious. Dating sites are about as random as they come. At least with Facebook, some of the random people who reach out to you with romantic interests have mutual friends or connections. On dating sites, the meetings are completely random no matter how much they say they’re, “matching,” you. That being said, if you can go to a dating site and spend time setting up a profile, sourcing through profiles and responding direct messages and emails (while paying). Why wouldn’t you try it on Facebook which is free as the air we breathe?

Free vs Paid… no-brainer right?

Direct Messenger Success

It doesn’t take much. A posted pic or comment and someone will be inspired to send a message that will potentially lead to a relationship. Success favors the bold. So….be bold!

Success happens a lot more often than you think. People will talk about all the DM horror stories and frighten off those of us who might be open a random message request, had we not listened to them in the first place. Block out all that interference and go for it!

But hey… you don’t have to listen to me… according to, below is a real life example of how going outside your box and opening yourself up to something unconventional, can lead to happiness.

They Met On Facebook

THE COUPLE: Kendra Cowser, 30, and Sean O’Brien, 32
WHEN THEY MET: January 2010
WEDDING DATE: September 14, 2013

Direct Messenger-Woman-Man-Laying down-next-each-other
Photo Credit: Two Rivers Photography

THEIR STORY: Kendra rarely friended anyone on Facebook other than people she knew, but in 2009 fate stepped in when Sean sent her a friend request. Although Kendra didn’t know him, he lived near her hometown of Galva, Illinois, and thought they might have mutual friends in common, so she accepted. None of his friends looked familiar though so she just let it go, until six months later when Sean started “liking” some of her photos. One night as she was packing up her apartment in Chicago getting ready to coincidentally head back to Galva, Kendra finally decided to satisfy her curiosity and message him. Sean responded immediately and they ended up writing back and forth all night. And then every day forward. It turns out Sean didn’t know her but she popped up in his list of people he might know. “I saw a cute girl and I wanted to add her,” he recalls. Both admitted that neither of them was planning on starting a relationship at the time, but it sure turned into one. Two days after Kendra was back in Galva, Sean was at her doorstep with a bottle of wine to celebrate meeting in person. In July 2012, Sean messaged her on Facebook (of course!) to ask her to go ring shopping—his way of proposing—and last September they threw a huge bash that their guests described as “the best wedding they’ve ever been to!”

a few more success stories



It’s not hard, just proactively send a message or respond to one that comes into your inbox. I’d quickly vet them out. Check their page, make sure they have an acceptable amount of friends (No new pages). Check for mutual friends. Also, see if they have some public posts you can view. Click on a few pics, and go from there.

You’ve got 1 more day!


Day 20: Facebook Support Groups

In this last year, I’ve actually joined a few Facebook groups that have offered a different perspective on things that I’ve gone through and am going through. In addition to seeing my therapist and being a part of these groups, I’ve seen changes in me. Good changes. I’m able to let a lot more stuff roll off my back. Not hold on to the anger so tightly.

Now, I’m not a part of groups that are drama filled, but groups that uplift and support people and groups that you can ask questions in. I’m thankful for finding these groups and the members in them because they’ve become part of my tribe. I no longer feel alone. Like I’m the only one going through things.

During one of my group check-ins a couple of weeks ago, I realized that these people are in far worse situations than I. It was a wake up call to me. Maybe my issues aren’t as bad as I thought? These people are dealing with things that I couldn’t imagine. That realization made me thankful for them.

On this 20th day, I am thankful for my Facebook support groups. In my #23daysofthankfulness I realize that others are in far worse situations than I. They remind me to count my blessings and to offer a listening ear and sage advice. To pray for others and the loads they carry.


Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page

Girl, Get Your Life!

Okay, this post is gonna hurt some of ya’ll’s feelings, but oh well. You can stop reading now. I ain’t gonna argue with the internet. But, let’s get real about some things shall we?

You still here? Good. Let me tell you what I can’t stand…women who don’t own their own issues. Now, before you say “T, men have issues too. I know that sis, but we’re dealing with yours right now.”

One of my biggest pet peeves is people that are not accountable. You don’t accept accountability for your own drama. We all make mistakes. We have to own them and keep moving forward. We can’t continue to act like we’re perfect and have  never done anything.

Last week as I was perusing Facebook and my girlfriend is an author and she always poses questions that people send her. This was the question of the day:

I broke up with my ex three years ago and recently found out he is getting married to the girl he cheated on me with. He wants our son to be in their wedding but I don’t know how I feel about this. Should I allow our son to be in the wedding of the woman who stole daddy? Is that the question?

Sigh. Tough situation to be in. I responded with this:

Yep. Let him be in the wedding if he wants too. It’s hard to not stoop to their level, but we have to be bigger.

Why? Because I truly believe that we have to be the bigger person. It’s their child too. Many comments were the same. However, there were a couple of women that decided that we were lying and should stop telling the woman to be the bigger person. Here were a couple of the comments:

And all the men and women who support this B.S. need to go have a seat in time out

since when did demanding respect becoming “stooping to their level”. Why does everyone expect this woman to become some kind of MARTYR for a ratchet negro…is that all Black people can be….Martyrs? Hell if we had of fought back in the 60’s instead of being martyrs we wouldn’t have Trump’s retarded ass in the White House

Oh, this post was lively. I decided to get out of it because I don’t have time to go back and forth with people who are in their feelings. My response doesn’t change. These women were in their feelings and of course a man called them on it. They were hot. However, your response clearly show that you were in your feelings.

The comments that were attached were about them and not about the child. They were not answering the questions. They were adding things that were not mentioned in the question that I wondered if it was one of them. They were wanting validation for their choices. Umm, where they do that at?

I don’t know anything about the people involved other than the question posed. So, we can’t assume that the father is spiteful, insensitive and such. That was a jump unless you know the couple personally or it’s you? Whatever the reason how can you put all this on the man?

This is where accountability comes in.

Are you being accountable?

What I’m saying is that you chose him. You chose to father a child with that man. He cheated on you. He’s marrying the woman that he cheated on you with. Is it right? Nope, but is it the kid’s fault that you chose wrong? Does that make him a bad father? We have to stop confusing being a father with being a boyfriend and a husband. We have to accept accountability for our choices in partners.

Yes, we chose them.

They may lie, cheat, steal, etc., but they didn’t force us into a relationship with them. We chose them. We seem to forget that and want to put the children in the middle. We can’t do that. We have to keep our emotions about who they are as a person out of it for the sake of our children.

I ended my comments with this:

To each his own. I gave my opinion and whether you agree or not is up to you. That doesn’t make yours right or mine wrong. Children are affected by the choices of their parents whether they be good or bad.

What are your thoughts?

Picture This

Mr. C and I attended my sorority’s winter event a couple of weeks ago. We had so much fun. He had to work that night so him coming by for a couple of hours was amazing. My sorority sister took a picture of us at the event and posted it on social media. Specifically, Facebook. I have a timeline review on my social media page because I got tired of people posting junk on my page and tagging me in it, so I review everything.

I saw the picture of Mr. C and I among the photos she uploaded. I immediately asked her to please delete it. I explained that I don’t post photos of Mr. C and I on my timeline because not everyone is praying for our happiness. I am a firm believer in sharing what I choose to share and with whom. She quickly took the photo down and apologized.

I talked to Mr. C about it and asked him was he okay with my decision and he said yes. I told him that when we are ready to share photos of each other on social media that I would like it to be our decision and it probably won’t be until we’re married. He laughed. I guess at the end of the day what I’m saying is that I’m trying to protect the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My life is in such a great place that I want to protect this relationship and our love. Now, that doesn’t mean that people can’t meet him. He’ll be at family events. He’ll be at friend events. He’ll be at my galas and my sorority parties, but we are very happy in our private bubble and will share photos in our own time.


What are your thoughts? Do you share your photos of your significant other on your social media page? Would you be offended if I asked you to remove a photo of me and Mr. C?

How I See Myself

The other day I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I started perusing FaceBook. I decided to look for a particular person (the aunt of my ex-husband) who I knew I hadn’t seen on my timeline in a while, but she was expecting her first grand baby and I wanted to see if her joy had made it’s debut.

Low and behold I discovered that she had “unfriended” me on FaceBook. It was a shock. Why? Because she had sent me a friend request years ago and then decided she wanted to unfriend me without saying anything. I was kind of hurt. Wow! I rolled over and tried to get back into a fitful sleep.

I woke up later and talked to Mr. C about the situation and he said “Don’t worry about it babe.” I explained to him that I’m not really worried about it, I just was shocked. I couldn’t understand the motive behind it. It was disturbing.

I told Mr. C that many of my exes friends and now family had unfriended me on Facebook, but none of the 30 plus of my friends and family had done that to him. I said “I guess it speaks to the caliber of friends and family that God has allowed in my life. My people didn’t take sides and just existed and loved us both.” He said, “Yeah, but you don’t need to let that bother you.”

We followed our normal morning process by reading the devotional and having prayer. But, when I tell you that God was speaking to me through that devotional I started to have a holy ghost fit. His word was:

Beware of seeing yourself through other people’s eyes. There are several dangers with this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what other’s actually think of you. Moreover, their views of you are variable subject to each viewer’s spiritual, emotional and physical condition. The major problem of letting others define you is that it borders idolatry. Your concern to please others dampens your desire to please your Creator. 

It is much more real to see yourself through God’s eyes. God’s gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through God’s eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply and eternally loved. Rest in God’s loving gaze and you will receive deep peace. Respond to God’s loving presence by worshiping in spirit and in truth.

-Sarah Young “Jesus Calling”

I had my Aha moment! You see that right? God was telling me to stop worrying about how other’s see me and to focus on Him. He was blessing me where I stood and I was worried about someone that I shouldn’t be. But, God.

God, has a way of smacking me in my face with His word when he realizes that I’m concentrating on the wrong things. I was getting smacked ya’ll. He was telling me why are you worrying about man when your eyes should be on me? Your heart, your mind and your spirit should be focused on what I’m doing for you so that you can feel the peace of me.

Good God!

I said “I got it God” and got off the phone. I got showered and dressed and headed to work. I turned my radio to the local gospel station Praise 104.1 and was listening to Erica Campbell say how she saw this great post on her friend’s Instagram page and she wanted to share it. You know what it was that she read?

The same exact piece.

I just said “Thank you God. I get it!” He is blessing me in so many ways that I can’t even begin to explain. He’s increasing my territory and removing people and things out of my life that are not of Him. He is working on me and through me. I just need to get out of my own way.

I was being vain worrying about someone else’s motives behind what they did to me. People have the right to follow, unfollow and unfriend who they want. I need to stop worrying or caring about those trivial things and focus on what His will is for me. Man is fickle, but ya’ll God is forever and unmoved by the shadiness of folks.

Your Man is Only a Friend

In today’s age of social media, I’m finding that a lot of men that I may have met socially or have known from high school have girlfriends or wives that also want to be my friend. I’m talking about on Facebook. Have you ever experienced that? It drives me nuts.

Why? Because I think that they are befriending me out of a sense of insecurity about their relationships with their man. Let me be clear. I don’t want your man. I am all about sisterhood and positivity and I would never take another woman’s man. Plus, I have a man.

Many women who befriend me on Facebook now are doing so because I like their man’s posts. I’m not commenting on their post like “Ooh wee you’re so sexy” or “Hot stuff” or “I remember that time when we…”. Nope, none of that. Only time I comment if it is in reference to something that I deem of value (children, animals, social issues, family, etc). But, it doesn’t seem to matter because no doubt their woman will send me a friend request.

I typically won’t approve friend requests of people I’ve never met without an inbox introduction. If we know each other from the blogging community and you send me a request and let me know who you are I will most likely approve. This applies to you bloggers using aliases. I need to know who you are before I accept a request.

However, I tend to be more lax with the friend requests of women if we have mutual friends. I don’t put you through the pedophile reject list automatically. I will go to your page and see what you’re talking about or what you post about. If I feel like you could add value to my timeline then I will accept the request. Otherwise, I will pass on it. I don’t need anymore foolishness on my timeline.

I’m saying all this to say that I value and respect relationships. I’ve been cheated on. I didn’t like it, so trust that I would never disrespect your relationship. I’m also not friends with men who would cheat on their wives or girlfriends. If I am friends with your man it is because he is a good guy. He’s never been inappropriate towards me.

We need more trust in our lives. We need to value the relationships we create. We need to stop letting our insecurities make us fall victim to Facebook friending strangers.


Changing Your Facebook Status

My friends/family all sent me a text earlier this week saying that my ex-husband updated his relationship status to “In a Relationship”. I think they wondered had I heard. I asked the question “Did you congratulate him?” No was the consistent response. They were just sharing information.


I understood. It was over three years ago that I was telling everyone that my marriage was over. That love no longer lived with us or as my ex-husband said “We are Irreparably Broken”. It was a horrific time. One that broke me.  The back and forth fighting and arguing left me broken and in tears. My life was in shambles.

Friends still remember. Many held me as I cried and offered wine and words of comfort. Even if it was to say “I’m here for you.” My friends were pretty great. I told them to not take sides. No matter what he was still my son’s father and I needed them to stay out of it. They agreed. They didn’t unfriend him or curse him out. They didn’t go off on him when it seemed like he was blasting me on social media.

They were friends and for that I’m truly thankful.

When my ex-husband and I were married I never said that I was married to him on Facebook. He sent many requests asking to confirm our relationship so that it could show on our timelines that we were married to each other. I always declined. I had to tell him why.


I explained that I didn’t want that. I told him that the people who mattered knew we were married. I wanted to keep our relationship private. Off social media so to speak. Now, before you get it all twisted and think I was being dismissive of him, I wasn’t. I just wanted our relationship to not be played out on social media. Why? Because everybody on Facebook isn’t praying for the success of your relationship.

I changed my marital status to married though. I made it clear that I was off the market and unavailable for potential suitors. That’s it. There were a few pictures where friends tagged us in it or if he made a special tribute for our anniversary and tagged me in it. For the most part, I kept our relationship private.

When we separated he unfriended me. He didn’t want me to have any access to his page. I respected his decision. I was the one who wanted out. Why would he share his personal page with me anymore. But, he kept all my friends and family on his page.

I in turn hid my relationship status from that point on. I didn’t want my life played out on social media so if men hit on me, I politely declined and kept it moving. That’s how it has been for over 3 years. My relationship status isn’t shown.


Mr. C and I talked about this the other night. I asked him if we ever got married would he tag me on Facebook. He said “No”. He believes that social media ruins relationships. He doesn’t want to engage in that back and forth or create issues in relationships. He explained that it wasn’t like he was ashamed of me but he didn’t like people in his business.

I respected that. I mean I had already told him that if I ever got married again I would just post a picture of my wedding rings with a tag that says “So, this happened”. That’s it and that’s all. No pictures of my husband or the details. I felt that the people who are supposed to know would know and be a part of it. But, part of me felt some kind of way.

I thought about how he could say something cute like “My life – My Wife” and show a silhouette of me in a dress next to him. No facial shots. No tags. Just us. Sort of black and white with an air of mystery. I mean what’s the big deal. I went to sleep thinking about it and actually feeling some kind of way.


The next day I was talking to my aunt and she mentioned how she heard that my ex-husband had changed his relationship status. I said “I heard.” She asked me did I have someone. I said “Yeah, I’m in love with someone.” She said, “Really? Good”. That was it. I realized at that moment that I didn’t need a relationship status to define what I felt and I knew that I didn’t want my relationship to play out on social media. I wanted some level of privacy.

I know you’re probably thinking…you private? Yes, me. Mr. C knows that I blog about him. He’s cool with it. I share the good, bad and everything in between. My writing is how he figures out how I truly feel about a situation. He doesn’t mind. But, I will never share his photo on social media (unless I’m doing a photo shoot for a major publication, LOL). It’s not a big deal to me and I respect his opinion.

My relationship status is hidden as it’s been for more than 3 years. I’m happy. I’m in love and I’m in a good place. I’ve told you dear readers my joy, so in essence I guess the important people already know what’s going on.


Questions…is it important to you to update your relationship status on Facebook? Can you please tell me why? 

Three Things I Want You to Know – 11/21

This week was rough ya’ll. I’m thinking about taking a break from social media including blogging. I realized that I am too empathetic and this is causing me to get discouraged in humanity. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. Wondering what is going on in this world.

So, my three things that I want you to know this weekend are based off some of the things that are floating around on Facebook and in the media.

  1. Black women are not responsible for all the ills of the world. We are not solely responsible for raising our children. It takes two. Black women love themselves and I will admit that all of us have issues. Everyone, not just black women, but to say that we lack self-love and therefore we teach our sons the same thing so they have no regards for life is a fallacy that needs to stop being circulated. Instead, I implore you to change your environment and become mentors to children that don’t have a father or mother in the home and stop making blanketed statements about black women. I am a black woman and I am raising a son with no man in the house. He will be fine. Many other black boys will be too.
  2. I’m a black person. A black woman. I am not giving my black card back to the quasi-pro black police because I changed my Facebook picture in support of solidarity to the lives lost on Friday, November 13th. I know France’s history and I also know the history of the U.S. We’re no better. I can have sympathy for the tragedies that occurred in a country where my son is learning to speak their language. A place where I plan to visit in the next couple of years. To a country that has seen more tragedies than many of us can imagine. But, I’m still black. According to The New York Times there are approximately 8 million blacks living in Europe and I can support whoever the heck I want because first and foremost I am a child of God. I pray for everyone regardless of their race, nationality, religion or sexual preference.
  3. This grandstanding on not letting Syrian refugees in our country is getting on my last dang nerve. Who are you? Dang, didn’t we steal this country from the Native Americans? Aren’t we refugees? Not everyone is a terrorist and not everyone who is a Muslim is a potential threat. We have to stop this foolishness. We are a country that loves our guns but can’t stop the American terrorists who were born and raised in America from shooting up schools, killing children or blowing up government buildings and we think we are safe? These people are running from the wars in their country and seeking refuge. Hell, I want to seek refuge sometimes because I’m scared of a radical American shooting up schools. We have to stop acting like we care about people and tie it to other issues of social injustices. Separate them. Attack them one at a time. If you are not part of the solution, step the heck back and stop being a part of the problem.

Rant over.

Have a great weekend loves!

Follow Friday

Hi Everyone,

Happy Friday!

This is my first #followfriday post.  I have met so many wonderful people and I would like us to connect through the various social channels.  Currently I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Google +. Would you like to connect?

I am definitely trying to increase my likes as well as readership. So, please click this link: A Thomas Point of View and go to my page. Don’t forget to hit the like button.

FB Page for A Thomas Point of View



I’m also on Twitter. If you are on Twitter too, check me out and follow me. I will follow back. You can follow me on Twitter by clicking this link:  MsKeeinMD and clicking the follow button.

Twitter for mskeeinmd


I’m also on Instagram and would love to connect with you as well. You would just need to type in my name in the search button and my page will come up and just follow me or you can just click here:  MsKeeinMD


Google +

For those of you that use Google, I’m also on Google +. You can add me to your circles here: Tikeetha

Google +

Well, that’s all my social pages, I would love to connect and thank you for following me on this #followfriday post. Have a wonderful weekend!

I Was Bored

So I was bored right? I decided to do my daily stroll on Facebook and take one of those dang quizzes. Why? Because I was bored. Like I said.

Anywho, this particular quiz caught my attention because it was entitled, “What Does Your Birthday Say About the Way You Love”. You see how I could be intrigued right? I wanted to know if there was some merit to the results. You know what? It was.

I’m the Giver. It said:

You’re the giver! You’re driven by a strong and selfless desire to please your lovers. You’re affectionate, considerate and go above and beyond to make the object of your desire feel like the center of the universe. When you fall in love, your entire world is turned upside in search of harmony and balance. And oh how you bring grace, balance and harmony with you wherever you go! You may be obsessed with fairness and justice as it relates to others and to marriage partners. For you, relationships must be perfect or they are nothing, and you’re always willing to go the extra mile to be perfect.

Yep, there’s some truth to this. I don’t believe in perfection, but I am always in search of harmony and balance. I am obsessed with fairness and justice (look at my voting record) and I always go the extra mile in relationships. Boredom done. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Happy Friday folks!