I have a confession.
I don’t know how to really say it.
Saying it out loud scares me.
But, we’re friends right?
I can trust you with this confession.
Okay, here goes…
I don’t know if I want to get married again.
I said it.
I’m scared though.
What does that mean for my relationship with Mr. C? We’re planning our lives together. To be united as man and wife. To love without limits and live together legally. In God’s eyes. In man’s eyes. But, I don’t know if I want that anymore.
Not that I don’t want him. I love him. I want him. I literally thank God every day for the love this man has given me and continues to give me, but I have such negative thoughts about marriage. My last marriage left a horrific metallic taste in my mouth.
It felt like a sham. The fact that we still have to communicate for the sake of Munch reminds me of how horrible someone can change when love just doesn’t reside there anymore. I don’t want that with Mr. C. That’s what scares me.
I know he’s not my ex. He’s different. Completely different. But, marriage. Marriage changes people. Divorce changes people. Children change people.
Sometimes for the good. Sometimes for the bad.
Mr. C told me the other day that he wanted us to adopt. A little girl. A six year old girl after we got married. I laughed.
I later had a panic attack. I can’t do this. I can’t raise a child and go through a horrible custody battle if we don’t work out. I don’t want to divide up assets or create a shared custody schedule. I can’t put another child through the pain that I’ve already put Munch through.
I thought we had agreed to no more children. Hell, I almost cried when the doctor told me that my ovaries are acting 15 years younger than I am. What the hell? I don’t want anymore children.
In a perfect world – I wish that my man and I can live and raise our children together. That we will laugh and love until we tire of each other. If we don’t ever tire, I pray that we shall grow old and gray and thankful that God gave us each other.
Not legally bound.
Is there something wrong with that wish?