The Curious Case of Me

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I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. I’ve been detached, moody and withdrawn. Feeling weird. Trying to balance my usually positive attitude with my desire to run and hide. I know that it makes no sense to some and perfect sense to others, but somewhere in this haze that I’m feeling I realized that I am difficult. Difficult to get close to. Difficult to love. Just difficult.

See the texts below…

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So, instead of taking his reaching out to me as a compliment I sort of accused him of randomly thinking about me. He asked why not and I never replied. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time for drama. I don’t want someone randomly thinking about me at 10:36 that night. I rolled over and went to sleep. I’m going through something. Something painful. Frustrated with life and in pain at my situation I just detached from our communication.

I came to a resolution on my situation the next morning. I decided what I needed to do and prayed for strength. I am not ready to share just yet what is going on, but I will soon. I went to work with a renewed spirit yesterday and knowing that all things are possible with God.

Last night I sent Mr. J the below text message:

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And just like that I was put in my place.

You make it hard.

I make it hard for someone to miss me. Really? I responded in kind and asked how so? You see his response? He was apparently feeling some way about my question and I guess lack of response. I didn’t continue to text. We know each other too well to continue a conversation like that over text.

I’m grown. I picked up the phone and called him. We talked. I apologized for how I made him feel and explained that I’m going through something. Shared my pain and talked it out. We parted on better terms. I think he gets me and realizes I didn’t mean it.

But, the conversation had me wondering about me. Am I allowed to have bad days? Am I allowed to not respond? Am I allowed to question people’s motives? Yeah, I am. I’m not perfect. I’m moody and neurotic. I make no efforts to hide the real me, but I’m just hoping that God will send me someone who will be a man of his word and realize that I get tired. Tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

This road that I’m on is going to get rough. My life will be turned upside down and I will be tested more than I thought possible, but I am not going to give up. I’m going to laugh when I feel like crying and run when I am too tired to walk. Perseverance and determination will see me through.

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Blue is my Favorite Color!

I have always loved the color blue.  Ever since I was a little girl, I thought the color was the most soothing and calm color ever discovered in a crayon box.  I wanted everything blue; blue dresses, blue barrettes, blue shoes and blue toys. Blue is and will always be my favorite color.

The thing is…I stopped wanting everything to be blue and went through a “no blue period” where I was blue.  The color didn’t appeal to me anymore.  I started to see it is as just a color.  Nothing special.  I realized that I was feeling blue.  This was last year. I just had my random “blue days” that lasted about six months.  Until one day it just stopped.

Blue became my favorite color again.  I started loving and embracing the color that has always calmed my spirit.  I redid my living room in blue.  I have blue walls, blue pictures and blue accessories.  I bought a blue car last year and I bought a blue dress this year.  I am embracing the blue.  Blue is and will always be my favorite color!

I realized that my “no blue period” was a phase.  I was running from what I loved the most.  The color blue.  Why?  Because I let the pressures of the world and my environment dictate how I felt.  It consumed me.  I became consumed with the distractions.  That translated into me being stressed and not being able to find calm.  Find peace.  Find something that reminded me that God was in control.  I needed blue.

Sometimes we let life dictate and drive our life force by changing who we are and what we truly love.  We have to remember to get refocused, re-energized and renewed.  Find what makes you happy.  Find your blue.  Find whatever you need to center you and bring you back to the place that makes you calm. Don’t let the worries, frustrations or distractions from others surrounding you put you in a bad space.

But in this you need to be thankful for the “no blue period”.  It reminds you that you are human.  You are flawed.  You feel.  You hurt.  You exist.  But, let it be temporary.  Use the time to get you back on track. Find your strength and encouragement.  For me it helps to reach for the word of God.  I grab my Bible and find solace in the words.  Like in Psalms 116:1-6 (MSG) it says “I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy.  He listened so intently as I laid out my case before him. Death stared me in the face, hell was hard on my heels.  Up against it, I didn’t know which way to turn; then I called out to God for help:  “Please, God!” I cried out. “Save my life!” God is gracious – it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God.  God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.”

He saved me.  I still have “blue days” but they don’t last always.  I will continue to grow and change, but I will never forget that blue calms me.  I listen to my inner spirit.  I accept that I will make mistakes, suffer heartbreaks and failures, but I find that place where blue resides and it calms me.  Blue is my favorite color!