I Will Try – And So Should You

I’m writing this post in response to Jacqueline’s Tuesday Trickle over at A Cooking Pot and Twisted Tales. Every Tuesday she does a ‘Thinking Corner’ sharing positivity and encouragement. Love the idea. So, here’s mine…

Sometimes I feel like enough is never enough. How much more can I give? How much more can I take? I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t seem to get ahead. I feel like I’m failing. Why can’t I seem to get through this funk?  I feel like giving up.

Anything sound familiar?

Yep, that’s what I was feeling until I read Jacqueline’s post this morning. I was driving into work this morning and talking to my best friend and explaining what was going on with me. I wrote a post today about how I feel like I’m failing my son.

I uttered “I feel like giving up” in a low voice. He said, “You can’t give up. You have to keep fighting. You have to keep going.” I mumbled “Okay” and got off the phone to listen to gospel music.  I started to pray in my car. With gospel music blaring and tears streaming down my eyes and the rain pounding on my windshield.

I was having a true “Come to Jesus” moment. I was praying and crying and driving (which I don’t recommend driving in hard pounding rain and crying) but God was interceding on my behalf. I just kept on saying “God, I surrender all”. Because sometimes that’s all you can do.

Surrender all. God allowed me to come in safely to work and read Jacqueline’s post and be inspired to know that I have to keep on keeping on. When the mountain gets rough and it seems impassable I have to remember that there are angels watching over me. That I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

My message to you is simple…Try and don’t give up! We all get overwhelmed. We all feel as though we are failing, but I promise you that our break through is coming. We have to keep pushing on. No one said it would be easy, but I promise you like my grandma said, “Trouble don’t last always”.

Your being able to read this post today is proof of that. Wipe away those tears and know that you are not alone my friend. We will be victorious!

It’s My Fault

Last week I read the below Facebook post and experienced my own Aha moment! Not that there was a great idea associated with the author’s post that I didn’t know, but it was more that I was listening to my inner spirit. My conscience was reminding me that I’m going through a transformation period and like I said in an earlier post, God is telling me to harvest my field. Reading this post reminded me of one fundamental fact…It’s my fault.

It’s my fault if I allow people to disrespect me and the relationships we have. It’s my fault if I don’t acknowledge the brokenness and continue in a perpetual cycle of insanity. Then why can’t I be honest with myself? Why can’t I stop trying to find the good in people and understand that the only thing I can control is…me.

My girlfriend reminded me the other day about this. When we were talking and I was expressing my frustrations about things that were happening and she said it, “Sweetie, you can’t blame them. You need to blame yourself because you are allowing the disrespect, dysfunction or insanity to continue.” She reminded me what the late Dr. Maya Angelou said…

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

Yep, I was trying to fix and give people all kinds of chances because I knew I could see good in their character. It isn’t that they aren’t good people. They just aren’t good for me. So, when I read the Facebook post it was confirmation of what my inner spirit was saying. Stop trying to make a square peg fit in a round circle.

I’m my own worst enemy and over the years, I’ve had some amazing and some not so amazing people enter my life. The good ones give me advice that speaks to my spirit years later and reminds me when I’m at a crossroads that I need to evaluate and change things. For example, a young man that I met at my second job outside of college said to me

“Relationships are supposed to be symbiotic which means we both get something from them. If you are the only one giving and you’re not getting anything from it then it is parasitic and you must end it.”

I was 24 when he said this to me. So, how come almost 20 years later I’m just truly understanding the value in what he said? How many of us are staying in parasitic relationships because we believe that we can change the other person? How many of us feel depleted emotionally, spiritually, financially or physically because we can’t let go? Me.

I had arrived at my Aha moment and realized that it is my fault. If I am honest with myself from the start then I will see people for who they truly are the first time. I will embrace the truth – the first time.

Be blessed my loves!

Boy Painting On A Blank Canvas

More: My Latest Poem

Recently, I’ve been accepting the fact that I want more and that it is okay to want it. Because realistically, I tend to accept the BS that I’m given and try to justify the BS as legitimate because I am thinking about the other person and not trying to appear selfish. But is it really selfish?

That being said, I started to write a poem and ended up realizing that what I wanted to say was that I want and deserve more and that it’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m selfish or self-centered. It means I’m human and I love me more. More is real and more says you’re worth it.

Pen to paper and my feelings became a poem that I entitled “More”.

 

More

Many months of dating and sexing and no commitment came

I wanted more

You cringed at the thought that you would have to share your heart

I walked away

Knowing and believing that I deserved more than a fleeting kiss

With an occasional promise of something more

“Stay with me” you asked

“Let me please you baby” you begged

“Let’s not define the undefinable and exist where we are” you said

“Don’t worry about the others” you whispered

“Just focus on us” you urged

 

I did

I tried

I focused on trying to change you

To make you into the man that would love only me

To show and prove that I was a down ass chick

Who would be your ride or die and

Never leave your side girl

Your homey/lover and your friend

I succumbed to the passion

And pushed more to the back of my mind

 

Why?

Because more didn’t matter

I was going to live in the present

Smile

Enjoy it

Booty calls, occasional dates and pillow talk

That was something right?

It was better than more

 

But more kept pushing and fighting for freedom

More didn’t like the space it was being confined too

More wanted to run wild and yell

More wanted to hold hands in public

More wanted to go to your house of worship and praise

More wanted to meet your family and friends

More wanted to define the terms of our relationship

More wanted to update its Facebook status

More wanted to be unleashed

 

More broke out

I ran crying because I couldn’t put more back

I stood there shaking because more demanded

We have a talk

 

More told me that

I deserve more

I have to choose me

More said I have to leave

More said you can’t stay being the supporting actress

When I was born to play the lead

 

So I listened to more

I left you

I am alone

But you know what?

More was right

I’m happy

In this place of peace

No ambiguity

No confusion

No heartbreak

No tears

No yelling

No screaming

No demanding

No convincing required

Nothing to prove

Because in this space where you don’t exist

I found more

I’m a Conqueror

I woke up this morning excited. I have been sick for the last week and a half and it felt good to be out and about and even back at work. I was pumped. Yes, I have some things that are going on. Some worries I’m working through. Some concerns that are on my mind, but I was thankful for another day. I woke up feeling like superwoman. I told myself, “Girl, today is a new day. Yesterday was the past and today is a gift. Be present in the moment and know that no matter what happens today you are incredibly blessed and highly favored.”

Even when it doesn’t seem like it, I need to remember that I am a conqueror and this too shall pass. So, my #motivationalmonday message is based off one of my favorite chapters in the bible: Romans. Romans 8:34-39 which reads:

“Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.[a] 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all day long;
we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So, I want to tell you the same thing. You’re a conqueror. Nothing we can do will separate us from the love of Christ. Trust me (I’ve done some things I thought would separate me and He still loves me).

Listen to Estelle’s song “Conqueror” and tell me that you are not inspired. No matter who is counting you out. Estelle sings “I’d rather stand tall than live on my knees because I’m a conqueror and I won’t accept defeat.”

Neither should you. God has already determined that you will win, so love, know that it will happen.

Moments

quote6b_black

One of my favorite quotes. I haven’t had many breath taking moments by many people’s estimations, but I’m thankful for those that I have had (both good and bad). So, my #favorfriday message is to be thankful for the moments that have taken your breath away.

Here are 22 of my breath taking moments:

  1. My first “real” kiss. Was sweet and reminded me of the simplicity and softness of lips.
  2. My first love. Was wonderful. Showed me that I’m beautiful both inside and out.
  3. My acceptance of Christ as my personal savior and baptism. It showed me that there is nothing that can separate me from Him.
  4. My first heartbreak. Was needed. Prepared me for the reality that life is not fair.
  5. My participation in a beauty pageant. I was scared as heck and couldn’t walk in heels, but it taught me how to smile through the uncomfortable situations.
  6. My graduation from high school. I was free. I was legal. I was going to travel the world.
  7. My graduation from college. Showed me that I could actually be committed to something for four years. It was hard.
  8. My first job. Taught me that I could be a great assistant while figuring out what I want to do with my life. I started from the bottom and didn’t mind.
  9. My first and only time filing a restraining order against a boyfriend. Because it showed me that in the midst of terror, I was still strong enough to survive a judge questioning me in courtroom full of other people.
  10. My marriage. Taught me that I can do anything. Good, bad or indifferent. My wedding day was perfect.
  11. My pregnancy. Taught me that I am strong. The illnesses that plagued me during my pregnancy didn’t break me. I prayed harder than I ever knew possible.
  12. My delivery. Taught me that I love my anesthesiologist. He didn’t paralyze me when he gave me my spinal. I felt no pain. All was good.
  13. My son’s cry. Showed me that God has favor over me yet again.
  14. My separation. Showed me that even in the midst of my pain, if I go to the throne of grace, it will get better.
  15. My reparation with my dad. Showed me that even the most dysfunctional and broken person needs love and to be forgiven. Just like God forgives me.
  16. My girlfriends. Remind me that I am incredible. Beautiful, smart and deserving of happiness.
  17. My family. Reminds me that we are sometimes cracked up and crazy, but there is no other place I would ever want to be.
  18. My heart. Shows me that I am deserving of love because I have a beautiful beating instrument inside.
  19. My head. Reminds me to never just follow it, examine everything and pray for guidance.
  20. My accepting Public Displays of Affection (PDA’s) allowed me to see what others see. I’m a beautiful woman deserving of attention and affection. I like PDA’s.
  21. My writing. Allowed me to bond with people in different parts of the country that see me as a kindred spirit. They appreciate what I write. I am immensely grateful.
  22. My current job. Reminded me that I can have it all. Both motherhood and career and still be happy.

These are merely a few and I have many more that may not be appropriate to share in cyberspace. LOL. But, know this…I love to live in the moments. I’m grateful for them because if you’re lucky, some may just take your breath away (in a good way).

The List

I’m fickle. I’m analytical. I’m not a great joke teller. I’m kind of nerdy. But, I’m divinely created and incredibly blessed. I have a wall up. I don’t let people in. I’m guarded. I’m annoying. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m human.

Recently, I’ve been going through a lot of emotional changes and my girlfriend asked me to do something. She asked me to write down what I want out of a partner and review my list to see if it’s reasonable. She said make revisions as you see fit, but keep it close and decide if the person you want to be with has those qualities. If not, thank them for the experience and keep it moving.

Simple huh? But, trying to date after being with someone so long has me feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m too ___ much? I’m too something. I can’t seem to figure out what. So, I struggle to define the undefinable and to try and confine that which can not be confined in hopes that I can figure it out.

What happened? Life. God. Conscious. That little voice that confirms what you know you need to do. It came in the form of Pandora. I was listening to my station and Lyfe Jennings song “Statistics” came on. I smiled. Confirmation of what my girlfriend said earlier rang in my ear. I had never heard this song.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

“Statistics”

Alright alright alright y’all settle down settle down settle down.

If you don’t know where you are this is STATISTICS 101
and I’m your teacher LYFE JENNINGS in the flesh baby.

Books out. Let’s go!

[CHORUS]

25% of all men are unstable
25% of all men can’t be faithful
30% of them don’t mean what they say
and 10% of the remaining 20 is gay

That leaves you a 10% chance of ever finding your mate

That means you better pay attention to these words that I say

I’m gonna teach you how expose the 90%

and show you what to do to keep the other 10.

RULE #1
Don’t be a booty call
If he don’t respect you girl he gon forget you girl

RULE #2
If he’s in a relationship
If he will cheat on her that means he will cheat on you

RULE #3
Tell him that you’re celibate
And if he wants some of your goodies he gon have to work for it

RULE #4
Be the person you wanna find
Don’t be a nickel out here lookin’ for a dime

STATISTICS!

15% of all men got a complex
15% of all men don’t practice safe sex
20% of them come from homes without a father
and there’s a 50/50 chance that you’ll marry a coward

Something to think about when you’re taking a shower
Something to swallow when you’re drinking bottled water

I’m gonna teach you how to expose the 90%
and show you what to do to keep the other 10

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Be patient! He’s waiting!
You don’t gotta settle for that
Leave what is past alone!
Get you a backbone!
Stop being (sorry for) yourself!

Have you no checklist?
It’s gonna take patience
Time is still wastin’

Don’t be a booty call
If he don’t respect you girl he gon forget you girl

If he’s in a relationship
If he will cheat on her that means he will cheat on you

Tell him that you’re celibate
and if he wants some of your goodies he gon have to work for it.

Be the person you wanna find
Don’t be a nickel out here lookin’ for a dime.

I loved it. What part? The last line “Be the person you wanna find. Don’t be a nickel out here lookin’ for a dime.” It reminded me that I needed to find like minded people and get to work on my checklist. My checklist won’t be a list of the impossible. I’m not looking for a Superman. I want someone who is the Man and knows it. A partner. A friend.

This song is for all the ladies out there. Make a list. Listen to the song and be patient. Great things come to those who wait (or so I’m told). Be authentically you and if it is meant to be it will be. No trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Don’t settle for dysfunction.

So, I’m starting on my list today. No rush. Just laying out what I expect in a partner so that if I should ever meet someone who is a match, I will know it. I won’t run. I won’t stumble and I will accept it. Whatever it is. I’m going to know that I’m worth it and more importantly…he will know it too.

A Time Out is Necessary

So, I read this interesting article on Yahoo and was completely in awe of this young lady in China who stayed at a KFC for seven (yep 7) straight days after her boyfriend broke up with her. I was reading it and was like “I completely understand girlfriend” (raises glass in solidarity). Why did she do it? Because she needed to think.

Awesome isn’t it? The simplest answer is always the truest. She just sat there in that KFC wanting to think and eat. She said “I hadn’t planned on staying there long; I just wanted some chicken wings.” Dang, them KFC wings must be good in China! I loved this story because she reminded me that sometimes we all need just a break to figure things out in our lives. No real timetable to get over heartbreak or to just ponder our lives.

I felt that way this weekend. I really didn’t want to talk to people. Not because I don’t love my friends and appreciate the fact that I’m overwhelmingly blessed to have such great people in my life. It was just that I wanted a “time out” to focus on me and my thoughts. I didn’t return calls like I said (you know I hated that) and I just sat in bed watching TV and eating a bowl of Breyer’s Butter Pecan Ice Cream. It was perfect.

But, I felt remorseful because I didn’t know how to tell my friends that I needed a “time out”. I felt guilty. It wasn’t like I was depressed or upset about something. I was just in my head and wanted a “time out” for me. Yes, I had my son. Yes, I had to be his mother first, but outside of that, I just wanted me and my thoughts to be on one accord.

How many times do we go through life and just let it happen to us? How many times do we wish we could sit at home and veg out just because we want too? Nothing has to be wrong for us to want a break. People think if you want a “time out” that something is wrong and then they go about the great task of trying to decode and decipher if you’re having a breakdown. Sometimes I am. Not the “I need a padded cell kind” (not yet at least), but the kind where I need to regroup and regain focus because my thoughts are not aligned with my spirit.

Harmony. That’s what I strive for. Both my mind and spirit on one accord. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. Sometimes I spend so much time out of balance that it feels like I can never get a break. A “time out” to sit back, think, reflect and get back to me. So, if I didn’t call you back this weekend like I said, please owe it to my mind and not my heart.

I needed a “time out” to reflect and refocus my spirit and mind. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled program of my opinionated, loving and charismatic personality. I will make you laugh, cry and throw your hands up in frustration by my wit, but you know what? You love it and so do I. Let the frivolity recommence.

power-of-now