I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. I’ve been detached, moody and withdrawn. Feeling weird. Trying to balance my usually positive attitude with my desire to run and hide. I know that it makes no sense to some and perfect sense to others, but somewhere in this haze that I’m feeling I realized that I am difficult. Difficult to get close to. Difficult to love. Just difficult.
See the texts below…
So, instead of taking his reaching out to me as a compliment I sort of accused him of randomly thinking about me. He asked why not and I never replied. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time for drama. I don’t want someone randomly thinking about me at 10:36 that night. I rolled over and went to sleep. I’m going through something. Something painful. Frustrated with life and in pain at my situation I just detached from our communication.
I came to a resolution on my situation the next morning. I decided what I needed to do and prayed for strength. I am not ready to share just yet what is going on, but I will soon. I went to work with a renewed spirit yesterday and knowing that all things are possible with God.
Last night I sent Mr. J the below text message:
And just like that I was put in my place.
You make it hard.
I make it hard for someone to miss me. Really? I responded in kind and asked how so? You see his response? He was apparently feeling some way about my question and I guess lack of response. I didn’t continue to text. We know each other too well to continue a conversation like that over text.
I’m grown. I picked up the phone and called him. We talked. I apologized for how I made him feel and explained that I’m going through something. Shared my pain and talked it out. We parted on better terms. I think he gets me and realizes I didn’t mean it.
But, the conversation had me wondering about me. Am I allowed to have bad days? Am I allowed to not respond? Am I allowed to question people’s motives? Yeah, I am. I’m not perfect. I’m moody and neurotic. I make no efforts to hide the real me, but I’m just hoping that God will send me someone who will be a man of his word and realize that I get tired. Tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
This road that I’m on is going to get rough. My life will be turned upside down and I will be tested more than I thought possible, but I am not going to give up. I’m going to laugh when I feel like crying and run when I am too tired to walk. Perseverance and determination will see me through.