Dating Chronicles: Let Me Help You

So in yesterday’s post, I wrote how I had re-written my dating profile a few times and wanted your advice. Well, earlier this month I was talking to a friend of mine who had updated his pictures on-line and told him that he needed to update his on-line dating profile too. He said, “Yeah? Okay, do one for me.”

Hopefully by now you know that I can be pretty snarky sometimes and I took his challenge and wrote his profile. I sent it to him. He was livid. He called me and said, “T, for real? Is this what you think of me?” However, I let a few other men read it and they loved it. They wanted to use it because they know that it will have women interested.

Here’s the profile I wrote:

I am a man who enjoys the single life. I’m not looking to settle down and yes I know it’s been 4 years, but baby I’m free! So, if you want someone who wants to spend time with you on my schedule…I’m your man. I enjoy chilling with my boys, coaching youth football and relaxing with a fine big breasted sister. I am hung like a horse and I know how to please you. Again, you will like my sexual prowess in bed, but don’t get it twisted…I don’t want to commit to you or any woman at this time.

I enjoy traveling with a sexy sister so that we can spend 7 days uninhibited on a tropical island, drinking, sexing and smoking cigars. Be open to the fact that I will travel with you, but you are NOT allowed to take photos with me to be posted on any site because again, I’m single. I have a lot of female friends and I like a woman who will submit to me. No women with attitudes who can’t be controlled. I like controlling you in both public and private.

I love sports, Incredible Hulks (my favorite alcoholic drink) and listening to good music. I lay it low and will spread you wide, but again you won’t get it all the time. Don’t be greedy and go with the flow. I’m my own man and will not be rushed into a relationship with you or anyone. No matter how good your cookie is.


  • Smart women. I like you to be smart, but not that smart. I’m the man and I should be smarter than you.
  • Smart mouths. I hate when women say slick stuff out of their mouths. Be a lady and do as you’re told. Bossy women. Women who think that they can control me. Again, I’m the man.
  • Women with values. Not looking to settle down so please keep your moral and value having self on your side of town.
  • Women with small breasts. I mean I will sleep with you, but I’m a breast man. Small breasts are a turn off.
  • Women with an opinion. Look, you can keep that for your employer. You only need the opinion I give you.
  • Women with self-respect. Again, you know what I want so if you respect yourself too much you’re wasting your time.

What do you think about the profile I wrote? I mean his profile really stands out now. He would probably get more interest from the revised profile that I wrote if he wasn’t too scared to use it.



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