#onlinedating – A Thomas Point of View

August 9, 2018August 12, 2018

Flowing with Purpose

I’ve missed ya’ll. I’ve been sort of wandering. Living my life this summer. Just enjoying this space that I’m in and just figuring some things out. I don’t have it all together. I don’t pretend to. Some days are better than others but I’m living my happy black ass life. LOL.

But, in doing that I came across this post yesterday by my other fellow blogger, Jay Thomas. Jay is an incredible blogger over at Relationships Etcetera, a relationship guru and an all around cool guy. He gives me a different way to think about things and I just really dig his vibe. He LOVES LOVE.

So as I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday and I saw Jay’s post and thought it was so profound. It was about love and purpose and going with the flow. This line stuck out to me…

Posted on August 8, 2018 at 8:00 a.m.

I like to flow with purpose.. not just flow and hope for the best. When a man has purpose, he is focused. When there’s no purpose, his mind wanders.

It got me to thinking are we flowing with purpose while dating? I know that it’s been a while since I’ve dated. I mean I was attached to Mr. C for almost 3 years, but what made the difference between him and others was the fact that he dated with a purpose. He communicated that was his purpose and we engaged in a courtship. I respected that.

I met so many men during the dating process that literally would say stuff like “Oh, I don’t believe in titles.” “Let’s just see where this goes” or my favorite “Let’s just go with the flow”. These statements were frustrating and confusing as hell.

Everything has a title. You have a title to your car. I’m not forcing a relationship or rushing to exclusively date you, but I want to know if we are on the same page in the beginning.

Is it too much to ask to explain whether or not you date with a purpose to move towards a goal of becoming committed? If you want to just have sex with random people – it’s good – do you. I don’t judge. It’s not me though. I want to build something with someone. I want to have an authentic connection emotionally with someone that gets me. I want to know if we are flowing with a purpose.

We have to start being real and have genuine conversations with the people we meet. People shouldn’t have to figure out whether or not you see or want a future with them. I shouldn’t be the last woman standing after years that you then decide to date me exclusively. I’ll pass.

I don’t want that kind of man. I want a man like Jay describes…a man who has purpose. A man that is focused. I don’t want any more wanderers. Been there and done that.

I think that’s why at this point in my life that’s the river you’ll find me on. Lazily sitting back in my boat with my mojito in hand and my floppy hat cocked to the side . Just flowing downstream with a purpose. A purpose to find love and an authentic connection with a wonderful man. No dinghy’s or crabs allowed.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

Who Knew

That I would like to work out with him. That I would enjoy working out with a man trying to live just a little bit healthier like me. What are your fitness goals? Are you trying to lose a lot of weight? Nope. Just trying to be healthier. I don’t want to be on medications.

I changed into my workout clothes and switched my hips when I walked in front of him, so he could get a good look at my bum! Yep, I was flirting. But, I was serious about the workout. I was sweating with my make-up running, but I was still looking cute. My hairstyle was holding up. I listened to Fetty Wap Radio on Pandora while we worked out. He listened to love songs. He smiled. I smiled. He has a nice smile.

He is an introvert. He is a parent of one. Has had similar experiences. He’s smart. He’s funny. He gets my satirical sense of humor. He likes my witty personality. He likes my desire to be a happier and healthier version of me. Who knew working out could be a fun date? Maybe we should do this again?

October 26, 2015October 26, 2015

Dang, I’m Slow

That’s what I thought as I read this great piece entitled “The Slow Fade: 8 Ways Guys Break Up Without Actually Breaking Up”. I realized that “I’m Slow and I was Slow Faded” by Mr. K. The guy actually went through all eight steps and I couldn’t even realize that I was being slow faded. How lame is that?

The author made a point of telling women that you’re not slow you’re just dating a pathetic loser. It didn’t really help me feel better. How could I miss the signs? How could I believe what this guy said? How could I not be more observant of his behavior?

“Here are eight behaviors to watch out for so you can hold that slow fader accountable, demanding he give you the respect and dignity you deserve.

1. He doesn’t call as much. Okay, this behavior is one of the easiest to write off because lots of guys claim they don’t like to talk on the phone (even though they do all day long). If yours is one of those guys, he will likely let you know early on, leaving himself the excuse he needs should he ever need to use it. Chances are he will. But because you have been duly warned, when the frequency of calls does return to what it once was before you told him how much you “love” to hear his voice, you overlook the slight, inadvertently forcing him to step up his game. In response…

2. He texts and emails less. Makes perfect sense, right? You are no longer in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship, those first few dates when you are going gaga over one another (or at least one of you is) and are thinking about this new person more than you can stand. That’s what you tell yourself at least. You convince yourself you shouldn’t expect as much from him as you once did. Wrong. You should. But you take what you can get anyway until you notice…

3. His texts and emails become short and not so sweet. Remember those cute smiley faces? The XOs? The sweet sentiments? They are but a distant memory now. Instead, “thanks” is his new emoticon, leaving you to scratch your head wondering if you have done something wrong. Nah, you rationalize. It’s just that…

4. He is suddenly very “busy.” Yeah, that’s what it is! Work is CRAAAZY for him now. That explains why he hasn’t called, texted and emailed as much as he used to and didn’t make weekend plans with you until the last minute. But you’re happy he’s busy because…

5. He has so many family problems. A nasty divorce. A crazy soon-to-be ex-wife. A witch for an ex-girlfriend. Screwed up kids. And you, the hopelessly devoted girlfriend fool you are, don’t want him to suffer any more than he must. So you become even more understanding when…

6. He gets sick. Things have gotten SO bad for this guy he can barely function (or so you think). He has been so “busy” with work and family problems that now he’s not feeling well as a result. Poor thing. Which explains why…

7. He looks less appealing. All of a sudden he’s disheveled. Verklempt. But right away you feel guilty for even thinking such a thing about the guy who once treated you so well and say to yourself instead, “Maybe I’m not being supportive enough.” Whereupon he says to himself, “Maybe I’m dating Hellen Keller.” So what does he do?

8. He acts like a dick. He has finally reached DEFCON 1. His last resort. The part where he does something reprehensible in addition to all of the above which he is already doing in unison. It is his “plus one” (if you’re that fortunate). Maybe he cavorts with another woman. Perhaps he makes you the butt of a private joke you are not yet clued in on. Even worse is if he helps himself to one last kiss goodbye (or more) which you are unaware really is goodbye.”

See, Mr. K went through all 8 steps and I didn’t have a clue that I was being slow faded. I just believed his BS. I actually thought he was a nice guy and just going through a particularly difficult time. Nope, he slow faded me. I just wasn’t smart enough to catch on.

I even sent him the article and you know what he said, “You think I’m pathetic.” Really dude? Deflection. A tactic used by the manipulator. He then sent me a text saying that I reached out to you last week and asked you out? Umm, for what? So, I can sit across from you rolling my eyes thinking how stupid I was for trusting that you were a good person? I’ll pass.

So, ladies if you’re being slow faded now make sure you recognize the signs and confront the man. Spread the word and encourage men to just be men. Be up front and tell a woman if you’re not interested. Don’t make up excuses and then try to weasel your pathetic self back into a woman’s graces because you’re busted. Have some dignity!

October 23, 2015October 22, 2015

Him

I told him that I pray every day and every night for God to strike him dead if he’s not who he says he truly is. If he’s not as wonderful and interesting and humorous as I find him. He laughed.

I know it’s a sinner’s prayer, but I am tired. Tired of meeting “possibilities”. I want a reality. A reality of something genuine. A reality where I am genuinely happy to see your picture flash across my screen. So, this is why I pray for God to strike down those that aren’t who they say they are.

He says, “There are nice guys out there”. I say, “Where?” He laughs. It is in the innocence of his laugh that I tell him that I am not amused by the choices. The choices of those that seem to have no morals, ethics or even religion. Those that try to run game. Those that think that I should be lucky to have met them. Ugh!

He says that he is a man of his word and values honesty. He wants women to have the same. I smile. I overshare. I tell him of good things, bad things and those in between things. I want him to know that I was a former spoiled brat that grew up. That life is about learning lessons. I’ve learned a lot, but there is always room to grow. I am growing.

I tell him that in Tuesday’s episode of “Being Mary Jane” that I learned that I am a lot like Mary Jane. In the episode her younger brother says

“you are a complicated and challenging woman and that is beautiful but you got to be able to recognize that not every man is cut out to deal with that. When everything comes easy for a man the last thing he is cut out to do is fight for a difficult woman.”

I asked him does he agree. He said, “Yes, I agree. It’s true. I won’t fight for a difficult woman.” I sighed.

He said, “But, you’re not difficult.” I said, “but some people would say that I am.” He says, “Well, I don’t find you difficult. But, I guess it would depend on what is difficult. Whether or not you were pushing me away then I would not fight for that.” I said, “Okay, I understand.”

So, I smile and inwardly pray…

“Dear God, please let him be who he says he is, does what he says he’ll do and if not, just strike him dead!”

October 21, 2015October 20, 2015

Dating Chronicles: I’m A Great Catch

I really hate when men say that they are a great catch. Why? Because if you are you don’t need to tell (me) the person whose never met you. Who told you that you are a great catch? How many women were surveyed? Shouldn’t I determine whether or not you’re a good catch for me?

A couple of weeks ago, I logged into my dating profile and received the following message from a gentleman (Read from the bottom up)

Okay, I should have taken that as a sign right? That if I log off that he assumes I’m not interested. He sent me a message three times in an hour assuming I was uninterested.

Dude, I have a life.

But, I know that I can be hard on men so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. The benefit that he is not crazy with issues about insecurity with women. That he is not attention seeking. Just really anxious to meet me right? Read the conversation below (again from the bottom up).

So, I gave him my “fake number” and we began to correspond via text. I was optimistic that he may be decent. We continued to talk via text and then he let me know that he was a decent man. When challenged on his statement he seemed offended and I haven’t heard from him since. LOL.

I guess it’s back to the drawing board.

Ah, the joys of dating!

October 12, 2015October 12, 2015

Maybe It’s You

Here’s a letter that I wrote to a friend…

Men and women love different. People love different. I don’t lump people in the same category because realistically speaking some people don’t know how to love. Not everyone’s plan is to make more and do more. But, on that note what is wrong with women who want a man to have a plan for their future. Not a bigger house, but a bigger retirement account so that they don’t have to retire at 70. Is that wrong? Everything is a business. Marriage yes. Love no. So, I disagree that both are a business. Marriage is a business because is in the truest form it is a partnership whereby two people are supposed to respect each other and work together for the betterment of the family. Shared goals, shared vision and shared purpose. I mean if you look at the most successful businesses it is because everyone knows what their purpose is in the company. Whether or not they want to work at their full potential is something else, but you know what position you are supposed to play. The problem is that people don’t discuss these things prior to engaging in a relationship. You fall for someone cause she has a nice ass and a decent personality and then you try to make a relationship work. You never focus or take time out to find out what that person values. If you do and you can’t live with it you walk away. Believing that you can change them is ridiculous. You can’t but you can’t fault the entire (or 51%) gender because you keep picking the same kind of women. Maybe it’s you. I’m not saying that to be mean or disrespectful either. I had to accept that about me. I seem to engage and like spending time with men that have never really been in love or I question do they like women. I know it is something wrong with me. Why do I keep attracting the same kind of men? What kind of energy am I putting out?

Plan as a noun: a specific project or definite purpose: plans for the future.

That’s what I mean by saying a plan. If your plan when you we are dating is to retire in 10 years and you get a retirement check but then you want to work somewhere else because you’re too young to stop working, then you have a plan. If your plan is I want to retire at 60 and travel the world and I’ve devised a strict budget to allow that to happen, you have a plan. Your plan doesn’t have to be tied to a bigger house or a bigger car, it’s your plan.

Grand dreams are subjective and you should weed those out early. Don’t waste your time with people that aren’t on your level, but be clear and steadfast on those things that matter most to you. No one person is responsible for the relationship and if you are only meeting selfish women then dang, change your surroundings. Those women can impede your progress and have you stay stagnant in the belief that that the majority of the women are like that.

When you find someone you want to marry then your plan should be to provide for your family and that should be hers as well. Your combined family. Her money counts too. Not just yours. It’s about making sure she is your partner and not another dependent that you can’t write off on your taxes. So, you’ve been in love but one and a half times? Really? How old are you again. You should want a woman with a plan. If her plan is to stay at her job making $40,000 a year and never trying to grow her bank account or skills and you make twice as much as that then it will be hard as hell to date her non having plan ass and take her seriously. How can she really determine when you two can retire comfortably or recommend the best retirement locations because she has no plans for her own immediate life? She is just existing.

If a man has a plan that is not in line with mine that doesn’t make him a good or bad man, just not the man for me. For example if he wants to be a rapper after being a wall street broker, okay that’s cool. That’s not what I want and I wish you luck. If I stay I wouldn’t be helping anyone. Much less myself. But, I am an eternal optimist. I believe in love and I still believe that there is good in humanity. All the violence and disrespect and I still find the mind of a black man just as important as his heart and I would do my damnedest to protect them both.

September 30, 2015September 29, 2015

Capricorn Women

Do you think that part of our inability to see each other is that we aren’t compatible because of our astrological signs?

I’m a Capricorn. I love being a Capricorn. Probably because it is the only thing I’ve ever known, but when I tell some people my sign the laugh and say “Oh Boy.” I’ve heard it all…

Capricorns can’t take a joke.
Capricorns are rigid.
Capricorns don’t forgive.
Capricorns are closed off people.

As a Capricorn woman, I agree with all the above statements. I have a hard time laughing at amateur comedians. I can totally catch a joke from a comedian, but normal everyday people who think they’re comedians have a hard time letting me know that they are joking about stuff. I once told a guy that “My brain isn’t wired to get jokes via text or phone. Only in person.”

As he got to know me, he agreed that it is probably true. But finding someone who gets you is becoming an interesting task. There are many suitors but I find that many people play games. Disguise their wants/needs in ambiguity and try to act like we want the same things.

In other words they are pursuing me for their own purpose. Some get eliminated easily based off incompatibility. Some go through the process and pretend that they are what I’m looking for. Others lose interest because “I’m not giving it up”.

In the end, this is a lonely journey. But, I’m a resilient. I’m not easily swayed by the emotions of people I don’t know. I will complain, over analyze and try to determine your true motives, but in the end I know that it will probably not work. I’m not into playing games. I don’t express my emotions easily. I’m cautious with men.

It’s a trait

The Capricorn woman is as romantic and emotional as anyone else, but can be somewhat inhibited in expressing her emotions, often preferring to perform practical tasks to help loved ones in preference to making purely romantic gestures. If she seems more interested in being your personal assistant than getting you into bed, this is often just her way of showing she cares!

She will be exceptionally cautious of making a commitment until she knows that your traits and lifestyle are compatible with hers. She is very cautious by nature, and not one to rush into anything, so again don’t be misled if her interest appears mainly platonic initially. It’s quite normal with Capricorns for a partner to initially assume “she doesn’t really like me”. – http://www.compatible-astrology.com/capricorn-woman.html

I won’t give up. I will continue to be optimistic and remain steadfast in the search for optimal compatibility. I’m in no rush.

September 22, 2015September 24, 2015

We All Settle

I had drinks with my girlfriends earlier this month and we were talking about our experiences with men. One of my girlfriends said, “I don’t want you to settle.” I replied, “We all settle.” She disagreed. She said no you shouldn’t settle. You should compromise. I responded that you settle in your relationships and in your marriage. Everyone settles.

Let me tell you why I think we all settle. Dictionary.com defines to settle as a:

verb (used without object), settled, settling.

to decide, arrange, or agree (often followed by on or upon):

to settle on a plan of action.

That being said, I believe that we all settle in some form or fashion in our relationship. No one is perfect. You decide that you are willing to settle (accept) things about your partner in order to let your relationship grow. You get where I’m going with this? Think about this…

You meet a man who embodies all the qualities you would like in a partner. However, he has children. You’ve always said that you don’t want a man with children. You decide to look past the children rule and enter into a relationship with this man because who is and what he brings in the relationship outweigh the fact that he has children. You are settling because you really like him and you know that you can accept the fact that he has children.

See what I’m saying? Everyone settles because no one is perfect and you are willing to settle in order to be in a relationship with someone you think that you are compatible with. I get that you don’t like the term settle, but it isn’t compromise. Compromise operates under the premise that we both lose.

Dictionary.com defines compromise as:

noun

a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles,etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

In a compromise, we settle our differences by mutual concessions. We both lose. Let me give you an example:

I want you to take out the trash every day. You say no, I will take out the trash twice a week. We compromise on 4 times a week. I got less than 7 and you gave more than 2. We both lost.

In both scenarios, the underlining fact is that a conclusion is made. You can’t compromise on children. Either you will settle and accept the fact that the person you like has children or you will move on.

I know we may not like the term “settle” because of the negative connotations it conjures in our minds, but I don’t look at it like that. I’m not asking you to settle for a drug user and you’re not. I’m asking you to decide what things about a person are worth settling for.

Look at it like this…what you want, what you hope to get and what you actually may end up with may vary and you have to decide if you want to settle for the person you are presented with. If yes, great, but if not, no worries, keep looking.

Until next time loves!

September 16, 2015September 15, 2015

Men Lack Consistency

In a recent “girl talk” conversation some of my girlfriends and I have been tossing around the question “Why do men court you up until you have sex with them and then they stop? Stop trying to do things to make you smile. Stop doing the “little gestures” you found sweet. Stop the calling or texting. Stop dating you.

It all boils down to consistency. Men lack the desire to be consistent once they get the cookies.

consistency

or consistence [kuh n-sis-tuh n-see]

noun, plural consistencies.

steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:

Example: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

So, do you get it ladies? Some men aren’t smart enough to continue the same behavior that they did in order to get you. They are unable to stay the course and keep up the wooing. It takes too much effort. Blame it on a short attention span or the fact that they just weren’t that in to you or Venus in retrograde. Heck, I don’t know, but the truth of the matter is that men are inconsistent. They change their minds. It doesn’t matter when you give up the cookies immediately or make them wait 90 or more days the fact remains the same…men change after getting the cookies.

Now, I’m not a genius (okay, I’m pretty close) when it comes to dating, but I have to ask why would a man not keep the same behavior after getting the cookies? Is it that they believe that they are so desirable that you will just keep wanting them sexually or is it that they are sleeping with multiple women? Probably a little bit of both.

Truth hurts huh?

However, for those women who claim that they want to date and just have sex, bravo. Your body and your choice. But, what happens when you start off wanting that and somehow your feelings change? What do you do then? Do you enter into a friends with benefits situation or break it off and start over?

It depends. I’ve tried both situations at one point in my life and both situations proved to be emotionally draining. Why? Let’s take a look at both situations individually.

Friends with Benefits

For me a friend with benefits is first and foremost a friend. If you are my friend and you were stranded on the side of the road at 3 am would I come and get you? If you are my friend and you needed help to move, could you count on me? If you are my friend and you were hospitalized would I come and visit you?

If you don’t know the answer to those three questions, then here’s a hint…we’re probably not friends. #truth.

Why? Because friendships take time to nurture and develop. We do this by calling each other. Communicating about our daily lives, dreams or issues. We nurture that friendship by checking in, hanging out and just getting to know each other. If we do that, then you most likely know that I’m your friend and would be able to answer the above questions without hesitation.

The benefits piece of friend with benefits refers to the sexual aspect of the relationship. We really enjoy hanging out and talking on a regular basis that sex became a part of our relationship. We have no expectations of a relationship, but to continue nurturing our current one. We enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the bedroom and just like our situation.

Until it changes. One of us catches feelings. Happens a lot. I’m going to guess that in over 70% of the cases it happens. It happened to me. I caught feelings. I was falling hard for someone who I thought was my friend. We had great conversations, sex, enjoyed hanging out and there was so much laughter that I “knew” we would be great in a relationship. You get where I’m going with this right?

Nope, it didn’t work out like that. He liked the relationship as it was. He didn’t want a girlfriend or specifically me as his girlfriend. Thus I could either continue in the current situation or walk away. I chose the latter.

Break it Off and Move On

This is probably the best course of action if you want a relationship with someone and they don’t want a relationship with you. This is where I would say to identify your wants and needs up front before engaging in a sexual relationship under the guise that it will develop into something more.

Remember that it rarely does. Don’t fall for the “games” that men may play. Trust me, I’ve heard them all:

I promise that I will respect you.
We’re adults. We can do what we want.
I really like you.
I want to take our relationship to the next level.

Those are just a few that are used to seduce and then after the seduction occurs you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. Umm, it’s because they’ve gotten what they want. They have no use or desire to keep up the role of an interested suitor. They will give you lines such as:

I’ve been busy which is why I haven’t called you in 3 weeks and calling you now for a sex session.
Work is killing me.
It’s football season and I got a lot going on.
I haven’t changed. What are you talking about?
I do call you. I just called you now.
I do answer or return your messages

Yeah, he’s really not your friend sweetie. You’ve been played. Been there and done that. Made those same mistakes. Inconsistent men yield consistent results when dating. The foolishness will still be the same whether you’re 30 or 50. If you are in this situation and you want more, just break it off and move on. You deserve better.

Ah, the joys of dating!

September 15, 2015August 31, 2015

Dating Chronicles: No Mediocre

Yep, that’s what I’m saying in this week’s post about dating. Why is it that if I said no the first time you think you should circle back? Was my no response not enough of a no for you? I don’t understand.

I have a simple rule: No mediocre. I don’t want no mediocre men. Simple right? Then why is it that the mediocre always resurface like last night’s dinner that didn’t go down well? Ugh.

Check out this intro from a dude who resurfaced:

Now, I didn’t respond because the first time I responded he was a blubbering idiot. He couldn’t spell and put together a complete sentence to save his life. Yeah, I’m going to pass on that one.

Check out this guy below:

So, are you an astrologer who is trying to predict what kind of man I should be with? Are you serious? What qualifications do you have in astrology? How about I don’t believe that? I believe that you can make it happen regardless of your astrological sign if you both want too.

He didn’t get a response from me. I couldn’t even bring my self to respond in kind so I practiced the “no response is the best response” method of communication. I deleted the conversation and said, “No mediocre please”.

Ah the joys of dating!