On the Last Day Before Christmas (Christmas Eve)

What I received this year…

A profound sense of determination– One of the hardest things for me was a desire to people please and take stuff from people. Not intentionally but just letting the slick stuff slide. The comments from people who were meant to destroy me or break me down hurt like hell. I always took the high road. You know the road where you don’t give in to the foolishness of other folks and don’t engage? But, that left me both mentally and emotionally drained.

I felt overwhelmed by the viciousness and the hate that was being spewed that it literally consumed my spirit. I am a woman of faith and it is hard to keep your faith when you are being attacked by people. I kept praying and trying to be the bigger person, but what happens when you can’t? When you can’t hold in the frustration and the anger that is consuming you. What do you do?

You explode. You lose it. You cry, curse, shout or do whatever to get through the pain and then you figure out a plan. Not the plan on how to kill and get away with murder of your enemies but the plan on how you will not let the naysayers affect your spirit or life with the bull. You become determined to build a wall that they can’t knock down, tear down or blow up with their wickedness. Then you build that wall up and you cover it with purpose and praise because you are determined to not be dragged in the pits of hell where your haters live. You pray. You become determined to take the road of righteousness and surround yourself with prayer partners who keep your name lifted up. That’s what you do because you are determined to live each day better than the last.

So, to recap the 12 gifts that I received this year were:

12. Hope

11. Renewed Faith

10. Joy

9. Wisdom

8. Time

7. Laughter

6. Forgiving Spirit

5. Healthier Waist Size

4. Vulnerability

3. Introspective Spirit

2. Powerful Praise

….#1. A Profound Sense of Determination

Advertisements

Let Me Motivate You

Sigh! I had a rough yesterday. Some days start off so good and then someone does and/or says something that sours your mood. Has that ever happened to you? What do you do?

I hate when people tell me to not let it bother me. What? How do you do that? It’s human nature. One of the things that I’ve done though is to not allow myself to be pulled into foolishness. It still bothers me though. I just won’t engage.

Even though I want to. But, I am a work in progress. I am a learning to live in the light, walk in the light and appreciate the darkness because I know that trouble don’t last always and that joy does come in the morning. One step. One day at a time. That’s all I can do some days.

Find joy in the things that I seemingly take for granted like…

  • Waking up this morning with reasonable portions of strength and health. I mean I take this for granted. Someone didn’t wake up today. Someone couldn’t get out of bed because they are bedridden. I can get up, pack my gym bag and make a plan to work out later today. See, I’m blessed. Let me rejoice.
  • Being blessed with some amazing people who encourage my spirit. Do you know how wonderful it is to be able to call upon friends when I’m angry or upset? People who will listen and encourage my spirit with positive words. People who motivate me to keep moving on. Keep putting forth my best effort. Some people don’t have that. I need to remember that it’s awesome that I do and I’m blessed. I’m finding the joy in that.
  • Being employed and actually loving what I do. There are many people who woke up this morning who don’t have a job. People who are faithfully looking for employment and not being able to find it. What about those that are underemployed or hate what they do? I need to rejoice because I’m blessed. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have bad work days (everyone does) but it means that I can find joy in knowing that I’m blessed in spite of those bad days.
  • Being able to afford to provide for my son. Being employed allows me the ability to provide for my son. I can walk into a store and buy my son some tennis shoes without thinking about or saving for a pair of shoes. Which is what happened this weekend. I went to the store and bought him some new tennis shoes. I then went to another store and bought him some new church shoes. I’m Blessed. That is what it is. I didn’t have that luxury growing up. My mother was robbing Peter to pay Paul and there was nothing left. I learned to take care of my stuff early and to only complain if they didn’t fit. I know people today that couldn’t afford to do that. But, I can. If my son were to break his glasses today (knock on wood that he doesn’t), I could go and buy him a new pair and not have to choose between food being short, not enough gas money or utilities being cut off because of the unexpected expense. I’m rejoicing in the fact that God has allowed me the ability to be able to provide for him on my own.

So, I counted my blessings. Realizing that I need to encourage myself to be faithful in my joys and understanding that I can survive the darkness. Rejoice. I have survived worse. If you only knew my testimony. Be encouraged today and know that it will get better.

711847.rejoice-in-suffering

The Curious Case of Me

i-can-not-tell-if-it-is-killing-me-or-making-me-stronger

I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. I’ve been detached, moody and withdrawn. Feeling weird. Trying to balance my usually positive attitude with my desire to run and hide. I know that it makes no sense to some and perfect sense to others, but somewhere in this haze that I’m feeling I realized that I am difficult. Difficult to get close to. Difficult to love. Just difficult.

See the texts below…

sshot1

So, instead of taking his reaching out to me as a compliment I sort of accused him of randomly thinking about me. He asked why not and I never replied. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time for drama. I don’t want someone randomly thinking about me at 10:36 that night. I rolled over and went to sleep. I’m going through something. Something painful. Frustrated with life and in pain at my situation I just detached from our communication.

I came to a resolution on my situation the next morning. I decided what I needed to do and prayed for strength. I am not ready to share just yet what is going on, but I will soon. I went to work with a renewed spirit yesterday and knowing that all things are possible with God.

Last night I sent Mr. J the below text message:

sshot2

And just like that I was put in my place.

You make it hard.

I make it hard for someone to miss me. Really? I responded in kind and asked how so? You see his response? He was apparently feeling some way about my question and I guess lack of response. I didn’t continue to text. We know each other too well to continue a conversation like that over text.

I’m grown. I picked up the phone and called him. We talked. I apologized for how I made him feel and explained that I’m going through something. Shared my pain and talked it out. We parted on better terms. I think he gets me and realizes I didn’t mean it.

But, the conversation had me wondering about me. Am I allowed to have bad days? Am I allowed to not respond? Am I allowed to question people’s motives? Yeah, I am. I’m not perfect. I’m moody and neurotic. I make no efforts to hide the real me, but I’m just hoping that God will send me someone who will be a man of his word and realize that I get tired. Tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

This road that I’m on is going to get rough. My life will be turned upside down and I will be tested more than I thought possible, but I am not going to give up. I’m going to laugh when I feel like crying and run when I am too tired to walk. Perseverance and determination will see me through.

tumblr_n09z6zGUN31rmagk1o1_500

I’m a Conqueror

I woke up this morning excited. I have been sick for the last week and a half and it felt good to be out and about and even back at work. I was pumped. Yes, I have some things that are going on. Some worries I’m working through. Some concerns that are on my mind, but I was thankful for another day. I woke up feeling like superwoman. I told myself, “Girl, today is a new day. Yesterday was the past and today is a gift. Be present in the moment and know that no matter what happens today you are incredibly blessed and highly favored.”

Even when it doesn’t seem like it, I need to remember that I am a conqueror and this too shall pass. So, my #motivationalmonday message is based off one of my favorite chapters in the bible: Romans. Romans 8:34-39 which reads:

“Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.[a] 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all day long;
we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So, I want to tell you the same thing. You’re a conqueror. Nothing we can do will separate us from the love of Christ. Trust me (I’ve done some things I thought would separate me and He still loves me).

Listen to Estelle’s song “Conqueror” and tell me that you are not inspired. No matter who is counting you out. Estelle sings “I’d rather stand tall than live on my knees because I’m a conqueror and I won’t accept defeat.”

Neither should you. God has already determined that you will win, so love, know that it will happen.