Last week a friend of mine said, “I hadn’t heard from you in a long time.” I responded “I know. I’ve been going through some things and haven’t really shared.” She asked, “What’s going on?” I replied, “Every month since October there has been some major hardship/issue that has affected me. I feel like I can’t breathe” I muttered. “It’s at times overwhelming and I’m consistently asking God to please give me the strength to endure” I said.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. “No, not right now” I responded.
I didn’t. I didn’t want to talk about my problems/issues. Why? Because I was tired of crying.
Alone in my bed when the world is asleep, I toss and turn and cry.
Crying is cathartic for me. It exhausts me. It solves nothing, so I’m not sure why I do it. But, I do.
I cry for things that have happened, things that haven’t happened and things that I want to happen. I cry and pray. Pray and cry. Non-stop.
Until I go numb. Then I drift off to sleep. Sleep is fretful and disturbing. Weird dreams with no understanding of what they mean. Nightmares. Never peaceful bliss. I’m exhausted by the time I awake.
A hot shower, a cup of coffee and make-up to hide the bags under my eyes. I pinch my cheeks and smile and practice my “I’m in control of my life” look. Why? Because the world expects me to be okay. They expect me to be good. To be in control. I’m not expected to fall apart. I haven’t fallen apart since my marriage disintegrated.
Ugh! Those memories still haunt me to this day. Falling out from emotional and spiritual fatigue and unable to stand. I lay on the floor crying in a heap. My then 5 year old son held my head and rubbed my hair saying, “Mommy, please don’t cry. Mommy, I will protect you.”
I cried harder.
This too shall pass.
I’ve survived worse is what I keep reminding myself. Don’t give in to the darkness. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. Pray. Pray without ceasing. Give it to God.
I have. I do. I’m so weak.
A friend said, “You have it all together.” I smiled and replied “Nope, I am one crisis away from a nervous breakdown.” Awkward silence.
Dang, I didn’t want that. It’s too early for him to think that I’m crazy. It’s too early to show vulnerability. What will he think?
I can’t breathe.
I have to think about something else. I have to focus on today’s task. I have to remind myself that my greater is coming. Strength. That’s what I need.
God please give me the strength to endure and while you’re in the problem solving business give me some grace and mercy. I could truly use it right now. Thank you Lord.