Random: At This Moment

Last week a friend of mine said, “I hadn’t heard from you in a long time.” I responded “I know. I’ve been going through some things and haven’t really shared.” She asked, “What’s going on?” I replied, “Every month since October there has been some major hardship/issue that has affected me. I feel like I can’t breathe” I muttered. “It’s at times overwhelming and I’m consistently asking God to please give me the strength to endure” I said.

Silence.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. “No, not right now” I responded.

I didn’t. I didn’t want to talk about my problems/issues. Why? Because I was tired of crying.

Alone in my bed when the world is asleep, I toss and turn and cry.

Crying is cathartic for me. It exhausts me. It solves nothing, so I’m not sure why I do it. But, I do.

I cry for things that have happened, things that haven’t happened and things that I want to happen. I cry and pray. Pray and cry. Non-stop.

Until I go numb. Then I drift off to sleep. Sleep is fretful and disturbing. Weird dreams with no understanding of what they mean. Nightmares. Never peaceful bliss. I’m exhausted by the time I awake.

A hot shower, a cup of coffee and make-up to hide the bags under my eyes. I pinch my cheeks and smile and practice my “I’m in control of my life” look. Why? Because the world expects me to be okay. They expect me to be good. To be in control. I’m not expected to fall apart. I haven’t fallen apart since my marriage disintegrated.

Ugh! Those memories still haunt me to this day. Falling out from emotional and spiritual fatigue and unable to stand. I lay on the floor crying in a heap. My then 5 year old son held my head and rubbed my hair saying, “Mommy, please don’t cry. Mommy, I will protect you.”

I cried harder.

This too shall pass.

I’ve survived worse is what I keep reminding myself. Don’t give in to the darkness. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. Pray. Pray without ceasing. Give it to God.

I have. I do. I’m so weak.

A friend said, “You have it all together.” I smiled and replied “Nope, I am one crisis away from a nervous breakdown.” Awkward silence.

Dang, I didn’t want that. It’s too early for him to think that I’m crazy. It’s too early to show vulnerability. What will he think?

I can’t breathe.

I have to think about something else. I have to focus on today’s task. I have to remind myself that my greater is coming. Strength. That’s what I need.

God please give me the strength to endure and while you’re in the problem solving business give me some grace and mercy. I could truly use it right now. Thank you Lord.

A Bit Of Everything
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33 thoughts on “Random: At This Moment

  1. Keep your faith strong, your self love stronger and you’ll get through. Life is like a mysterious roller coaster and you never know when it’s about to throw you into abyss. So put on your seat belt and hold on, because when you get to Inferno you can only look up towards Heaven. So get ready to ascend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The reason I’m such a fan of your blog is because of your strength. I didn’t know that it came at such a cost. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing this so honestly and I’m sending you my positive thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s ok to cry!! As a single mom I have gone through nights of crying, wishing I had a partner to lean on. It’s hard to be strong all the time. We cry to release! So have your release. Then you have to get up and say “I’m stronger than this!” You have to make your list of all that you are thankful for. Appreciate what you have and how far you have come. Praying about is good, but don’t forget that asking for prayer and help is good too! It’s hard because I have always felt that I was too independent. I didn’t want to be needy. But guess what? It’s ok to ask for help. To receive support. Sometimes we are stronger for doing so. So know that I am praying for you and sending some love your way!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. *hugs* Although the journey is not easy, things can and will get better eventually. You have a very lovely son to look out for his mama like that. You keep doing your best…it will pay off.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh what an honest post to read on #abitofeverything – it’s horrible to think of you suffering … use the power of writing to help … to find support from fellow bloggers … I find writing such a tonic and hope you do too x

    Like

  6. What an honest and (in sometimes of my life) relatable post. Sometimes we appear so strong to those around us and they never see what’s really going on because we don’t allow them to. I have been there….many times in my life. My kids actually probably saved my life. I will send good vibes your way and hope that things get better….that you receive a great gift of weight from your shoulders. #abitofeverything 💌Trista

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Im not religious, but I do know that if you cant tell the real life people around you how you are struggling, then the internet is a great place to unload. I have found wonderful kind suportive people on the net who understand my struggles and who can keep me afloat on the hard days.
    Its a place where you can put your strong mask down for a while without compromising anything in real life.
    Thanks for sharing with us, Tracey xx #abitofeverything

    Liked by 1 person

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