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No Fear

Today is the day of my surgery. I’m not scared. I am a believer in Christ. I trust that all will be as it should be. God is in control. I am asking for your prayers. When prayers go up – blessings come down. I want to be blessed.

I wanted to share one of my favorite Psalms this morning:

A Psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;[a]
3     he restores my soul.[b]
He leads me in right paths[c]
    for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley,[d]
    I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff—
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely[e] goodness and mercy[f] shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    my whole life long.[g]

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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His Plan

So, we’ve all been there. Where? To the depths of hell swimming like a madman without a life jacket. Drowning. In pain. We didn’t understand how life took this rapid turn and we found ourselves in a perpetual state of hell.

It happens. It happened to me. It happens to everyone. You are not alone. You should know that …

See, that’s all we can ask. That God helps us through it. Our lives have been planned out. There will be good days and there will be bad days. We have to stay committed to knowing that our faith matters. We can’t falter in our faith when we fear the unknown.

Just breathe.

Know that everything is working for your good. You are wonderfully and beautifully made to survive any test or trial that comes your way. Be encouraged.

Just breathe.

I remember being on the floor crying out in pain asking God “Why has thou forsaken me?” Only to hear him whisper “I haven’t. Get up. It’s done.” Even when I feel like I can’t go on and take any more I try to whisper “Dear God, just give me the strength to endure.”

I breathe.

I’ve been at the end of my rope. There were times I didn’t know which way to turn or who could help me. I called on the One. The One who is always available. Who sees my tears and knows that His child is crying. He will see me through this troubled time. He will see you through your troubled times.

Breathe.

Don’t let the trouble you find yourself in define who you are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made in the Master’s image. So, you’ve made mistakes. Who hasn’t? The key is to know that there is always something bigger in store for you. Your greater is coming.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Tired

I’m tired.

Weary.

My heart aches.

My mind is racing.

My patience is low.

I don’t want to fight no more.

Fighting is exhausting.

Fighting is distracting.

I can’t be distracted.

No time.

No time for games.

No time for distractions.

No time for the fake ones.

Time matters.

This hell I find myself in is one I chose.

The moment I said yes.

I chose it.

I have to remember it.

But, I have to remember that I can change my mind.

To recognize my choices and accept my fate.

To move beyond the bullshit and give my all

To the people that matter.

To the situations that require my attention.

To the friends that love without judgement.

To the family that supports without knowledge.

To the man who promises me a healthy love.

To the job that pays my salary.

To the readers who support my talent.

To the charitable organizations that benefit from my service.

To those that inspire.

To those that encourage.

To those that believe.

Believe in me.

Even when I don’t believe in myself.

I will close my eyes tonight.

No more tears.

With praise on my tongue

I will cry out…

Can you hear me Lord?

Can you hear the pain in my heart?

Can you see the destruction of those that seek to hurt me?

Can you see that I am your faithful servant Lord?

And I will give it to Him.

I will leave it on the altar.

I will say…

I trust you Lord.

I know that you’re watching.

Intercede Lord.

Intercede.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Motivational Monday Moment – 3/20/2017

It’s the first day of spring. I’m late getting my post out. I needed to be motivated this morning so I’ve struggled with what to write. Please forgive me for the delay. I started thinking about what I could tell you to motivate you this morning. I had nothing.

I didn’t feel motivated. I felt tired and exhausted of having to fight the same battle over and over again. I felt as though my back was up against the wall. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I just knew that I wanted peace.

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There are some difficult situations that I have to face in the coming weeks. I will share more as I know more, but I was really feeling overwhelmed. I told Mr. C that I needed him to encourage me this morning. To make me feel better.

He said “You have a job. You have money. You woke up this morning. Your son is healthy. You have a boss that is understanding.” Okay, I get it. Not enough. But, poignant and true. I wasn’t giving thanks. I was feeling the pain of my issue and not giving the praise.

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I talked to another friend about my situation and he told me that God told him that “It’s a blessing to be tested and tried by Him. “ He told me to not dismay and know that God is blessing me regardless of whatever I’m going through. He told me to be encouraged and know that we serve a mighty God.

I know.

I’m human.

I just want peace.

Every time I feel like I get a little peace and quiet, things come along to disturb the natural order of the way I believe my life should work. The peace that I thought I had is always short lived. Things disturb this natural order and I feel overwhelmed. I’m struggling ya’ll.

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I know that what Mr. C said and what my friend said made sense. I’m a Christian and sometimes I feel like I’m failing. I’m failing at trying to keep chaos from interfering in my life. I didn’t ask for this. I just want to ride out the peace for years to come.

I know that I’m not living in reality right now. What’s wrong with wanting peace? Nothing. 51ef3e3fc97a88c221e264f8e788cbf0

But, God.

God spoke to me through music to ease my weary soul. He often speaks to me through music when I’m going through something and I ask for His help. When I pray for peace and I can’t seem to hear it through the noise of me wanting to take control of my own life and do what I want. He did it today.

I was listening to Marsha Ambrosious on Pandora and he played Mary Mary’s gospel song “Yesterday”. I had to close my office door because tears began to roll down my face as they sang “Any problems that I had he’s greater, he’s greater than them all. I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday.” – Mary Mary. God was speaking to me. I was doing too much.

I hear you God. I can’t keep crying about the situation. I gave it to you. I need to trust you to do your will. I need to lean on you and know that you are greater than any problems that I have. So, my Motivational Monday Moment is to trust. Trust God. Trust Him with everything.

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We can’t keep crying over the same situation and the same problems. We need to give our all to God. He is the way maker and we know that all things work according to His will. I trust you God. No more tears. Thy will be done.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Your Truth

My cousin said this was her favorite post. I was so honored. I wrote this over two years ago. I wanted to share it again.  This was a follow-up to the break-up post that I wrote about here:

Okay, so here’s the deal…

You can’t treat me like I’ve stolen your puppy or run over your foot in my car. Why are you acting like I destroyed you? I told you how I felt when we last spoke and my world forever changed. Without any thought to how I feel or what I’m going through, you act like you’re hurt. Are you really going to say that you are the victim here? Do you know or even care how I feel? I told you that I needed space and time because I knew the rules of this situationship when we met. I knew. But, somehow I couldn’t stay within my lane and I caught feelings. I wasn’t trying too. I was trying to take it for what it was. Casual dating.

I told you last week that my spirit was in turmoil and that I wasn’t sleeping or eating because I knew it was time I got off this merry go round. I was a wreck this weekend and I kept breathing and saying, “I need to take this one day at a time”. One second becomes one minute which becomes one hour until I can make it through the day. I told my friends that I did the impossible and ended it with you. I told them that it hurts. They replied, “I know, but I love you and it will get easier.”

I told my family that I had fallen in love with someone who I wasn’t ready to introduce to them but we broke up. I said, “He doesn’t love me and I can’t breathe because it hurts like hell.” My sister replied for me to repeat after her “We don’t love them ho*s”. I laughed with tears in my eyes and sighed, “But, I do.” My mother told me, “Baby, I’m sorry, but I never thought I would survive your break up at 15 when you overdosed on pills and slit your wrists. Hell, I never thought you would survive it. But, you did. If you could survive that you can survive anything.” I told her, “I know I will survive. It just hurts like hell.”

Again, I wallowed in my pain and bathed in my heartache praying for peace. My plea to you to stop calling me wasn’t because I don’t want to be your friend or be in your life. It was because I don’t have the strength to stop talking to you. Because I’m weak. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to hear your voice and know that you are okay. I want to laugh about stupid stuff or whatever. It’s my problem. I know. I’m not blaming you. I just need time to get my head on straight and be able to truly be your friend without having these feelings for you. I owe it to myself to choose me first.

So, I will do what I do best and journal my pain. I wish only the best for you and know that you are in my prayers and thoughts always. Only time can heal this chasm of pain.

 

Note: This is not about Mr. C and I. We are fine. This is from a prior relationship.

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Motivational Monday Moment – 9/19/16

Happy Monday Folks!

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is meant to inspire you to pray. I’ve had an exhausting 24 hours. It was stressful and I allowed some things to stress me when I shouldn’t have. I know.

It’s my fault.

I was disturbed in my spirit and trying to get my emotions under control. I wish I could tell you that I have all the answers and that I’m not easily stressed, but I don’t. I’m human. I make MANY mistakes.  One of the many mistakes is getting sucked into the drama and issues of others.

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I’m emotional. I need to learn to not get sucked into drama and just pray. It’s hard though. I want to fight and argue and make a case for my side when you know what? It really doesn’t matter. I can’t change someone’s mind. I can only control my actions and me.

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I don’t owe anyone anything. I just need to be the best person that I can be. I need to keep my head in the game and stop feeling the need to validate who I am and what I am doing. I owe nothing to no one.

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When I am stressed beyond belief I forget how to pray sometimes. Has that ever happened to you? When there is so much noise in your head that your head is pounding and you forget that the only way out is to pray?

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I do. Been there. Done that. Multiple times. Even when I was alone, I knew that I was truly not alone. He was right there with me. Waiting patiently for me to come to him.

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However, I want to remind each of us how easy it is to pray through our problems. You are never alone. Just call on Him. How do you call on Him? Just by doing this…

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Call on the name of Jesus. Sometimes all you can do is just say “Jesus” and you can start to feel His power working in you. He wants us to call Him. Why? Because there is power in the name of Jesus.

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Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is call on His name because there is power there. I know because this morning I was all out of sorts…angry, defensive and frustrated. I felt alone and I needed to get my mind right before coming into work.

You know what it was? I broke my normal routine. I usually wake up and pray and read devotionals and have prayer with Mr. C. We didn’t do it this morning. He changed his work hours and I got Munch into before and after care at school so our schedules were off. When he called me I was trying to finish up and get out of the door.

I got in the car and told him about a situation that frustrated the heck out of me. I was angry, perturbed and frankly stressed out this morning. He tried to calm me down. He said “Babe, you need to pray”. I responded “Yeah, I need to pray.” It was in a snarky town because I was in a snarky mood. We were not getting along well this morning.

But, you know what? He was right. I needed to pray. My mind was out of sorts and I was not being as I should be. I owned it. I allowed outside things to change me. I needed Jesus. I needed to pray. I needed to have my spirit renewed and refreshed. And you know what it worked.

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I started to feel better. What did I do? Nothing. I just went before the throne this morning. I owned my mood and said  a prayer…

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Dear Father,

Hallowed be thy Name

Help me this morning Lord.

I’m coming to you asking for help

You know what I’m going through

You know the pains that are disturbing my spirit

Help me to erase the pain and know that all things

work according to Your will.

That if it is in your will it will be fine.

Allow my spirit to find peace in your words and my mind to be anchored in you

Let me remember that you are sovereign and that no weapon formed

against me shall prosper

Jesus.

There’s nothing like calling the sweet name of Jesus.

Dear Lord please give my weary spirit rest. Help me to forgive those that mean me harm

Teach me how to seek peace and understanding for those who trespass against me.

Teach me how to pray for those that wish me harm.

Dear Lord you are the only true God

so it is in you will that I want to humbly reside.

Bear with me Lord.

I am weak.

I am human.

Renew my mind and renew my spirit.

Amen.

 

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The Aftermath

I thought it would be easy. You get married and live happily ever after…RIGHT?

WRONG! 

We were together for 4 years before we got married. I no longer wanted to “shack up”. Like the saying goes, “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” I wanted to do it the right way. We were living together, working, raising our son, and I wanted to be his wife, not just his girlfriend. So we went to the courthouse and did it! We were married now. WOW!!

I am a married woman now, it was astounding to me. I had only been in one other relationship and that was with my oldest child’s father and it ended because I was unfaithful to him. I WAS A CHEATER!

I didn’t know what it was like to be committed and faithful to someone. I slept around so that I didn’t have to deal with people emotionally and mentally. My past kept me from the idea of love and being loved. 

I told myself that I would cheat before they cheated on me. I didn’t want to be hurt first, I was going to do the hurting. Absurd, right? 

A fellow blogger, Tikeetha from A Thomas Point of View, asked one of the hardest relationship questions: “Would you want to know if you were being cheated on?” 

I knew! He changed and I wasn’t being the wife that I should have been. I was distant, focusing on work, taking care of my motherly duties while neglecting the wifely duties. It was easy for him to cheat, I gave him permission. I allowed this other woman to come into our lives. He should have been stronger, he had needs too. 

I blame myself because my lack of attention and affection gave way for this woman to enter into our marriage. It was physical for him. When women cheat, it is from an emotional standpoint. She knew about me, but I had no clue who she was. He told her what I wasn’t doing and that’s all she needed to hear and she didn’t care.

We no longer respected our marriage. We no longer honored our marriage. Those vows that we took were just words now. 

I am a child of divorced parents and its the best thing that my mom could have done. I considered divorce, I had sent the papers to him in an email and asked him to review them and make any necessary changes. I never got a response. I assumed he thought I was just kidding, but I was for real. How could we live together in a home where there was no peace, no respect, NO TRUST,and NO LOVE? 

We separated for several months, he was seeing other people and so was I, but somehow we gravitated back to one another. I loved him and he loved me. We had to have a heart to heart with one another. I needed to be HEARD and not just talked to. During the separation, I FOUND MYSELF! I had become LOST IN LOVE! I had no clue who I had become. I was just EXISTING, not LIVING! 

Today, we are in a better place. We talk and listen to each other. We encourage one another and most of all WE ARE BACK TO LOVING ONE ANOTHER. It may not be for everyone, but staying married is HARD. It is so easy to pack up and sign divorce papers and not know the reason that you are no longer together. We didn’t go to therapy, WE PRAYED! 

 

This post was written by one of my fellow bloggers A. Hawkins. She blogs at A Perfectly Flawed Ruby and you should definitely check her out.

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Sh*t We Need to Stop Saying

So, my best friend and I were talking the other day about sh*t we need to stop saying in 2016 because it makes no damn sense. None. You should know that by now. Stop just repeating things because you think they sound good.

Cause they don’t. They piss people off and it really makes me wonder did you fall off the turnip truck last night and bump your head.  What are some of the things you may ask?

  1. At least they didn’t suffer. What the hell kind of advice is that? What do you mean at least they didn’t suffer. They freaking died and how they died doesn’t matter. Just offer up your prayers and keep it moving. That’s all you can do.
  2. Put your baby on a schedule now. What do you mean? My child is 3 weeks old. All they do is sleep, eat and poop. What kind of schedule will a 3 week old follow? Hell, my incision still hurts. I need to sleep too. This kid doesn’t even know me yet. They are still feeling the after effects from the drugs I got during delivery.
  3. Maybe God did it. Can we stop blaming God for everything? Is this some kind of reverse way to get people to convert to Christianity? God doesn’t sit up on the throne and try to make our lives a living hell. I’m sure he’s way to busy. Just stop this one.
  4. I had a friend go through the same thing and everything turned out well for them. But, are they me? How do you know it will turn out fine for me? Do you have a crystal ball that will determine based off my specific medical condition that I will be healed? Nope? Then stop telling me that.
  5. I never liked him/her for you. Really? So, you never said anything to me in the 20 plus years that this person was with me. Nope, I may not have listened but damn it you should have tried. Why tell me after the fact? I feel like a failure for allowing this jerk in my space for so long and you just telling me that is like pushing the knife through my heart.
  6. You can do bad by yourself. What the hell? No, I can’t. I can do better. Why would I ever want to do bad? If I’m leaving trust things will be better. Less stress and many more opportunities to be successful because I’m not carrying that dead weight around my neck.
  7. But at least he didn’t hit you. Another stupid a** response. Really? Wow! So, him cheating on me and verbally abusing me for the last 15 years is okay because he didn’t beat my a**? Man, stop lying! Abuse is abuse.
  8. How did you get this job? What the hell does that mean? I busted my butt in college, proved myself talented at some of the best employers in the country and broke the damn glass ceiling. Hard work and determination are not out of your reach, but why do you seem surprised?
  9. He/she is in a much better place. Really? How the hell would you know that? They were a drunk, committed adultery, burglarized and tormented the elderly and little children. That doesn’t sound like they were going to Heaven.
  10. He needs to man up! Oh, I so hate this. Especially when used towards little boys. First of all, they are children. They don’t know how to be a man. Maybe you should set the stage and lead by example. I’m sure if you do a good enough job the little boy may want to follow you. It really burns me when folks say that garbage. Yes, my son cries. He’s entitled to cry. Hell, I cry some days. That doesn’t mean he needs to man up. Say it to my Munch and watch me curse the day you were born.
  11. You just need to pray. Listen, I’m a Christian and I believe in the power of prayer, but this is the worst thing to say to someone who is hurting. Especially if you don’t know that they have an underlying issue with depression. You are invalidating their feelings. I’ve told you before that people need 3 things: Jesus, wine and therapy.
  12. He speaks so well. What the hell does that mean? He’s 8. Of course he speaks well. I was a dang English major. So was his dad. Both of his grandmothers have doctorates in education. His god mother was a teacher. Please stop saying that BS to me. How about saying this…He has a vocabulary that’s pretty impressive for an 8 year old. I bet he’s reading on an advanced level.
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The Master’s Love

Did you know that one of my favorite books in the bible is Romans? Yep, it is. It is my go to book when I feel that God’s forgotten me. It allows me to remember that the Master’s Love is unforgettable and the bond that we have is unbreakable. His love is endless.

That love allows me to know love, be loved and give love. Because He gives it so freely. Even when I’m not obedient and I feel as though I am all alone. He reminds me that I am His and He is mine.

Trust me when I tell you that I know what it is like to feel abandoned by friends and family and you feel as though your prayers are falling on deaf ears, but trust me when I tell you that they are not. Sometimes you just need to pray and let it alone. Trust that He knows that you are standing in the need of prayer and everything will work according to His will.

It gets frustrating. It gets hard. It can be overwhelming. But, trust me when I tell you that nobody can do you like Jesus. His grace and mercy are unmatched and that love will never leave you.

Romans 5:8 (NRSV)

8 But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us.

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Random: At This Moment

Last week a friend of mine said, “I hadn’t heard from you in a long time.” I responded “I know. I’ve been going through some things and haven’t really shared.” She asked, “What’s going on?” I replied, “Every month since October there has been some major hardship/issue that has affected me. I feel like I can’t breathe” I muttered. “It’s at times overwhelming and I’m consistently asking God to please give me the strength to endure” I said.

Silence.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. “No, not right now” I responded.

I didn’t. I didn’t want to talk about my problems/issues. Why? Because I was tired of crying.

Alone in my bed when the world is asleep, I toss and turn and cry.

Crying is cathartic for me. It exhausts me. It solves nothing, so I’m not sure why I do it. But, I do.

I cry for things that have happened, things that haven’t happened and things that I want to happen. I cry and pray. Pray and cry. Non-stop.

Until I go numb. Then I drift off to sleep. Sleep is fretful and disturbing. Weird dreams with no understanding of what they mean. Nightmares. Never peaceful bliss. I’m exhausted by the time I awake.

A hot shower, a cup of coffee and make-up to hide the bags under my eyes. I pinch my cheeks and smile and practice my “I’m in control of my life” look. Why? Because the world expects me to be okay. They expect me to be good. To be in control. I’m not expected to fall apart. I haven’t fallen apart since my marriage disintegrated.

Ugh! Those memories still haunt me to this day. Falling out from emotional and spiritual fatigue and unable to stand. I lay on the floor crying in a heap. My then 5 year old son held my head and rubbed my hair saying, “Mommy, please don’t cry. Mommy, I will protect you.”

I cried harder.

This too shall pass.

I’ve survived worse is what I keep reminding myself. Don’t give in to the darkness. Breathe. Take it one day at a time. Pray. Pray without ceasing. Give it to God.

I have. I do. I’m so weak.

A friend said, “You have it all together.” I smiled and replied “Nope, I am one crisis away from a nervous breakdown.” Awkward silence.

Dang, I didn’t want that. It’s too early for him to think that I’m crazy. It’s too early to show vulnerability. What will he think?

I can’t breathe.

I have to think about something else. I have to focus on today’s task. I have to remind myself that my greater is coming. Strength. That’s what I need.

God please give me the strength to endure and while you’re in the problem solving business give me some grace and mercy. I could truly use it right now. Thank you Lord.

A Bit Of Everything