This is a continuation from my post on Friday Raising Our Girls
What happens when you grow up witnessing a woman conquering and doing everything she can by providing for her family? What happens when there is no man in the picture to help you see that there are roles and rules to a relationship? What happens when you are a girl and you have a strong woman as your role model, but not a strong male to look up to?
Now, before you go all in on me about T, there are different types of relationships, let me stop you. You’re absolutely right. I’m just talking about my experience and the experience of many women like me who saw the strong woman taking care of her family but an absentee father.
This is for us…
We are self-destructing in relationships.
I said it. Don’t be ashamed. Just breathe.
We need to understand that in the dating world we are self-destructing ourselves with this independent woman attitude. There’s nothing wrong with being able to financially support ourselves and our families. There’s nothing wrong with independence, feminism or anything designed to keep us equal.
The issue is that we’re sending the wrong message when we start referring to men as scrubs and counting off our money and accomplishments to men as though we’re better than them. We didn’t fight for equality to brag. We deserve everything we’ve earned. But, where are we letting our men know that we want and need them?
You want a man to chase you? Chase what? Your money? Your titles? Your accomplishments? No. Of course not. You want a man who wants to be with you. Just you and all of your multiple personalities.
Because ladies, we have them and we want to find someone who will love each and everyone of them. But, we have to treat him right. We have to make him feel as though we are partners. That we are truly his rib and we will work along side him to provide a wonderful opportunity for our family and community.
Don’t hide your successes, but don’t make him feel like he would be another accessory to your already busy and successful life. Let him chase the woman behind the make-up, business meetings and countless awards. That’s the woman that he will fall in love with. The woman that lets him look inside her soul and love that piece that no one knows is there.
We need to be clear of what we want from our men. Our expectations. Our hard lines. All these things need to be discussed. We also need to respect the role of our men. Don’t have an attitude that says “I can break or buy another you in a heartbeat. Heck, I can buy a better version of you”. It may be true, but trust me that attitude will get us left and heartbroken quickly.
Men need to feel wanted. Appreciated and respected. Does he have to be the breadwinner of your relationship? Nope. But, both of you need to have a clear understanding of your needs and wants. If you’re like me and you need more of an emotional supporter, you need to tell him that. You need to court him and find out can he provide you with that need. If not, keep it moving.
Stop saying you don’t need a man. Nope, no one needs a man. But, if you want a man, you’re destroying your chances by proclaiming to everyone that you don’t want a man. A man doesn’t want a woman with a wicked tongue. I know. I’ve had some of the slickest things come out of my mouth and they can destroy a man’s self-esteem.
I had to learn to step out of my own way. I wanted a good man. I wanted a man who would court my spirit. I wanted a man who could provide both financially and emotionally. I wanted a partner who understood my needs and could articulate his own needs to me. Roles have changed today. We all need to adapt.
No longer is the man the sole provider for his family. He could b a stay at home dad to his children. He could be going to grad school while you are a practicing attorney. He could be a man who works hard but doesn’t make a lot of money. Whatever package he comes in sis, I need you to stop the self-destruction of your relationships and start appreciating the man you choose.
Please note that I’m not telling you to give the 35 year old man that is unemployed and peddling his rap Cd’s at the corner store a chance. Unless you want to. No judgement. But, be open to the man that God has destined for you. He may not come ready to use out the box. You may have to assemble him some.
Love is fluid and kind. We have to practice being more appreciative and demanding respect. In our speaking, in our dressing, in our beings. Let us speak life into our men and in our relationships. Be vulnerable. Share the painful stories. Open up. Trust.
Go deep and let him know your insecurities. When it is all said and done, I promise you that he will love you even more. That he will truly look at you. See you and know that he has found a good thing.