We’re Self-Destructing

This is a continuation from my post on Friday Raising Our Girls

What happens when you grow up witnessing a woman conquering and doing everything she can by providing for her family? What happens when there is no man in the picture to help you see that there are roles and rules to a relationship? What happens when you are a girl and you have a strong woman as your role model, but not a strong male to look up to?

Now, before you go all in on me about T, there are different types of relationships, let me stop you. You’re absolutely right. I’m just talking about my experience and the experience of many women like me who saw the strong woman taking care of her family but an absentee father.

This is for us…

We are self-destructing in relationships.

I said it. Don’t be ashamed. Just breathe.

We need to understand that in the dating world we are self-destructing ourselves with this independent woman attitude. There’s nothing wrong with being able to financially support ourselves and our families. There’s nothing wrong with independence, feminism or anything designed to keep us equal.

The issue is that we’re sending the wrong message when we start referring to men as scrubs and counting off our money and accomplishments to men as though we’re better than them. We didn’t fight for equality to brag. We deserve everything we’ve earned. But, where are we letting our men know that we want and need them?

You want a man to chase you? Chase what? Your money? Your titles? Your accomplishments? No. Of course not. You want a man who wants to be with you. Just you and all of your multiple personalities.

Because ladies, we have them and we want to find someone who will love each and everyone of them. But, we have to treat him right. We have to make him feel as though we are partners. That we are truly his rib and we will work along side him to provide a wonderful opportunity for our family and community.

Don’t hide your successes, but don’t make him feel like he would be another accessory to your already busy and successful life. Let him chase the woman behind the make-up, business meetings and countless awards. That’s the woman that he will fall in love with. The woman that lets him look inside her soul and love that piece that no one knows is there.

We need to be clear of what we want from our men. Our expectations. Our hard lines. All these things need to be discussed. We also need to respect the role of our men. Don’t have an attitude that says “I can break or buy another you in a heartbeat. Heck, I can buy a better version of you”. It may be true, but trust me that attitude will get us left and heartbroken quickly.

Men need to feel wanted. Appreciated and respected. Does he have to be the breadwinner of your relationship? Nope. But, both of you need to have a clear understanding of your needs and wants. If you’re like me and you need more of an emotional supporter, you need to tell him that. You need to court him and find out can he provide you with that need. If not, keep it moving.

Stop saying you don’t need a man. Nope, no one needs a man. But, if you want a man, you’re destroying your chances by proclaiming to everyone that you don’t want a man. A man doesn’t want a woman with a wicked tongue. I know. I’ve had some of the slickest things come out of my mouth and they can destroy a man’s self-esteem.

I had to learn to step out of my own way. I wanted a good man. I wanted a man who would court my spirit. I wanted a man who could provide both financially and emotionally. I wanted a partner who understood my needs and could articulate his own needs to me. Roles have changed today. We all need to adapt.

No longer is the man the sole provider for his family. He could b a stay at home dad to his children. He could be going to grad school while you are a practicing attorney. He could be a man who works hard but doesn’t make a lot of money. Whatever package he comes in sis, I need you to stop the self-destruction of your relationships and start appreciating the man you choose.

Please note that I’m not telling you to give the 35 year old man that is unemployed and peddling his rap Cd’s at the corner store a chance. Unless you want to. No judgement. But, be open to the man that God has destined for you. He may not come ready to use out the box. You may have to assemble him some.

Love is fluid and kind. We have to practice being more appreciative and demanding respect. In our speaking, in our dressing, in our beings. Let us speak life into our men and in our relationships. Be vulnerable. Share the painful stories. Open up. Trust.

Go deep and let him know your insecurities. When it is all said and done, I promise you that he will love you even more. That he will truly look at you. See you and know that he has found a good thing.

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17 thoughts on “We’re Self-Destructing

    1. I know right. We have to pick a side. I’m all for feminism, but I like chivalry too. Believe it or not some of these women don’t even believe in feminism but have a desire to just be the head of the relationship because they make more money. They want their partners/spouses to work for them.

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  1. Times are truly changing and that includes economy, so sometimes, this affects the dynamics of relationships as well. When a woman treats a man like an accessory, he’s on his way out very fast. Your post is well articulated and sensitive. I am all for feminism, but we need to know where and when to draw the lines.

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  2. I know we have all made mistakes in relationships but that is part of the process of growing. This is a wonderful post, you are so articulate and well spoken…. 🙂 I think a lot depends on the age of the parties involved. I have found through my experiences with on line dating that at my age, 62, men like women who can take care of themselves, who are not “needing” a man but wanting one, most older men and women have different needs and wants than younger ones. Most of the men and women I know of my own age aren’t interested in living with anyone, we all have our own places and are kind of set in our ways so that produces a different dynamic. At my age I don’t need a man, but I want one, but he has to be just what I want because I can not settle for anything less, don’t need to, I take care of me and that gives me a true feeling of independence. I know when I find that special man, it will be because I want him and I won’t be settling for less than what I want. of course, I am at a different place than you younger ladies, I have already raised my family and am about to retire so my life is different than yours. I had a man that I really, really, loved until a few months ago. I thought he was just what I was hoping to find, it was wonderful, until I found out it was all a lie… oh well. I may not find another and since I have worked hard to be self sufficient, that is ok. Love and peace to all you lovely ladies here on word press!!

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    1. Thank you so much. It is definitely generational. My mom’s wants are similiar to yours. She’s set in her ways and she wants companionship too. She was engaged to a man who had children younger than us and she broke it off when he got full custody because she wasn’t going to raise any more children because she’s headed to retirement. I respected that. I think if you know what you want you should go for it.

      I’m seeing far too many of us (professional women) making men feel as though they aren’t needed and wanted. It’s hard out here dating and partnership and having a strong foundation are requirements for having a long lasting relationship, but I’m not about to sacrifice my soul for the devil so we need to stand out of our own way and just love. I’m praying that God will send you a man that will be all that you need sis!

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      1. Thank you for your well wishes, you are an amazing woman, i greatly admire you and wish only the best for you and that cute little boy!! God he is adorable and is a very lucky boy to have you for a mom! 🙂

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  3. This is beautiful (as is the post before, the one it is related to) and so true. I think everyone is so busy with making themselves strong and independent that they forget how it is to open up to somebody, to let them see your weakness and vulnerability too. Because of course it is risky – loving someone is always risky because you might get hurt.
    I had to laugh about the “man ready to use out of the box”…. 😉 I pictured myself getting a package via internet order 😉
    All in all, great post and a lot of food for thought!

    Liked by 1 person

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