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Hurt and Pain: The Most Communicable Diseases

“Hurt” and “pain” are communicable diseases that can go undetected for years before
a person seeks help.

Some of us are carriers and don’t even know it. We hop into the dating pool, or, we get into a relationship thinking that we are ready, when we are not. Then, we choose the same “type” of person and get hurt every-single-time. Or, we exude a certain type of energy that attracts the wrong (or the same type) of person. As result, yielding the same outcome over-and-over again.

Denial is running rampant

There are 7 reasons why we’re single, and no matter how many times we blame the opposite sex, the common denominator is you.

To make matters worse, what do we do next? We project, blame, and/or live in denial.

“When you refuse to look in the mirror and face the truth, I call that denial.  You can deny the truth about why you’re single, consciously, or subconsciously.  Meaning, you lie to yourself, and others, but you know what you’re saying isn’t true (conscious).  Or, you lie to yourself and others, but you truly believe what you’re saying is true (subconsciously).”

So what’s next?

Meanwhile, you keep on dating and infecting other people with that hurt and pain.

Sometimes you infect people who are are building up their strength to get back out
there. Sometimes it’s people who have open wounds (which are the easiest to infect). Other times it’s the same sex. Women infecting women, or men infecting other men, with bitter and resentful feelings about the opposite sex.

Why spread the hurt and pain to others?

You’re hurting, and it feels good to know people around you feel the same as you do (misery loves company). You haven’t truly forgiven from the heart, you’ve only forgiven in your mind (you may not have done that either). Consequently, you’re still holding onto the pain and hurt others have inflicted on you.

As I stated in my post about forgiveness

Although it should be mandatory, forgiveness is a choice.

It can be very difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you. You may even want those who aggrieved you, to feel the pain you feel. Forgiveness isn’t about being, [fair.] It’ about being, [free], and it definitely isn’t about spite. When we don’t forgive, we indirectly punish those who don’t deserve it. In the meantime, we are still connected to the person who initially caused us pain.  Consequently, they still have power over us because, they anchor to the lowest depths of our emotions.

Media doesn’t exactly help your cause

I see it every day in the way we post, talk, and interact. Also in the songs we listen to, and the TV shows we watch. When you’re hurting, and in pain, you listen to songs that apply to your current situation. You also tend to click on articles, and social media posts that more associated with what you’re going through. Especially the posts that invite negativity about the opposite sex.

Negative posts, television shows, and/or music all contribute to your mental state. You may not know it, but you are being suggested negative energy subliminally. The more you watch or listen, the more it impact you.  Ever watch a movie for 2 hours and come out thinking negative? I have.

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Photo Credit: Lesly Juarez

My advice? It’s simple, stay away from negative media. as a whole.  In addition, surround yourself with positive people, go to positive places, and do positive things.  Lastly, always be mindful of what you’re saying. Spoken words and affirmations are very powerful.

It’s finally time to heal

You will never find what you’re looking for until you heal. You will always look at
men and women in a “slanted” way until you seek help. You will always seek that
love from another, but they can’t heal you, they can only help you. The majority of the work must be completed by you.

I’ve been there…

I’ve been that hurt man infecting others. I had to first take a long break, so I could mentally breathe. Understanding where I was in life, who I was as a man, and what I deserve were a critical aspect of my growth. I also had to realize how I was impacting myself in a negative way, and what I truly needed in order to sustain my evolution going forward.

Most importantly, I had to learn to love myself first and foremost.

I encourage you to do the same.

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Don’t Microwave It. Put Your Dating Experience In the Slow Cooker

Microwave Love Isn’t For Me

No wonder relationships don’t last, and dates are so short-lived. A lot of us want that microwave love. It’s all pre-packaged and ready to go within 30 seconds. In our fast-paced lives, we don’t want to slow down, mute the distractions, and cultivate our relationships. We don’t want to invest the time and effort needed to really learn and understand someone. As a result, once you open the package, the picture on the box is hardly the way it really looks inside. Yet we’re shocked. It was a 30 second meal! What did you expect? We want slow-cooked taste, in 30 seconds or less. We want a 5-star restaurant feel, in drive-thru efficiency. And, we will keep getting the same bad tasting, falsely advertised, negative results… until we learn that nothing worth having comes pre-processed.

Slow Cook Your Dating Experience

When it comes to dating, most of us want the result to end in companionship (or marriage).  So why in the world do we expect symmetry to occur without doing the, “work” involved?

You know what? Let’s not use the word, “work.” Let’s say, “process.” Because, while dating, you are going through a process.  A process that cannot be on microwave speeds.  This process is slow-cooked.

Remember, you are getting to know an entirely new being that comes with new experiences, personality traits, pet peeves, habits (good and bad), etc.  So, that process takes time.  The amount of time is relative, but no matter who it is, they will need, “time” to get to know, and understand.  A rapport needs to be built.  Channels of communication need to be established.  You simply cannot get to know someone on microwave speeds.  Slow-cooking is the only way.

Step 1: Let It Marinate

Like Martin Lawrence says…”let it marinate.” Let your dating experience, “soak.” Let all the seasoning absorb.  This way you will have time to process what you’re doing, and what you’ve learned. As a result, you will make better decisions about moving forward.

Also, this will give you the necessary time to appreciate the process of getting to know a new person. So many people say…”I can’t stand starting over.” Trust me, I totally get that. However, if you make dating fun, it can be a worthwhile experience.  Enjoy the conversations before the date. Get as much information as you can to learn about the other person (make sure you ask the necessary questions listed here )… then, “let it marinate.”

Step 2: Pre-Heat Your Oven

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Photo Credit: Taylor Kiser

Now is the time where you will prepare for the first date.  If you did your homework, asked questions, provided information, shared and opened up freely, you should have a good idea of who it is you are about to go on a date with.

If you spent enough time in marinate-mode, you should feel a bit more at ease about spending time with this person.  Anxiety will always be there, don’t worry, it’s normal.  However, the amount of time wasted on dating will be limited since you are on slow-cooker speed, vs microwave.

As daters, we tend to have a few conversations and jump straight into romantic situations (microwave speed), when, we need to cultivate first, to see if this person is even a good complement for us.  They could be a good person, but this doesn’t mean they are a solid match for us.

Step 3: Slow Cook The Process

When I say, “slow,” I don’t necessarily mean, “go-slow.” I mean, take your time.  So, the time that it takes is totally up to you.  Just don’t microwave through the process and expect the results to be same as slow-cooking.

When you slow-cook food, the seasoning is allowed to penetrate.  The meat becomes tender and more flavorful.  We all know, there’s nothing like a slow-cooked meal.

That being said, make sure you don’t let the, warm-and-fuzzy feelings get the best of you.  Stay focused on the goal, and always keep things in perspective.  Discuss your goals and aspirations, pet peeves, your family, and most of all, talk about how a relationship looks to you.  Give the other person a detailed account of what you need (and some of what you want).  You probably shouldn’t do all of this on the first date, and hopefully you’ve discussed a lot of these things before going out.  However, if you didn’t, make sure you ask some of the most important questions, and generate conversation around them.  Don’t get, too serious.  Do what feels right in the flow of the dialogue between you two.

Lastly, laugh, and laugh some more!

Don’t forget to follow my blog!

 

Don’t Trust It – New Rule

It’s 2018 ya’ll and there are just some things you shouldn’t trust. What specifically am I talking about? Women and men that don’t have friends. It’s time for the truth…You can’t trust men or women that don’t have friends.

Why would you date someone that has no one in their life that loves and holds them accountable for their behaviors?  Friendships are a must with anyone over the age of 10. There is no way you can meet a man or a woman and they don’t have friends and you be cool with it. That is creepy as hell.

Friends hold you accountable. They know all your secrets and love you in spite of your faults. They trust you and you trust them. It’s a bond not solidified by blood, but more important because they don’t have to be there for you.

I swear close friends are mind readers. Do you know how often I’ve called my closest friends just to talk when in actuality something was on my mind? They instantly knew it. They heard it in my voice. They reminded me that they knew me better than that and even though I may not want to talk about it now, they would be there for me. They would have my back. They would be there when I felt ready to let them in.

Man, I don’t know where I would be without my friends. When I’m wrong. They are there. When I’m right they are there. When I’m just barely holding on by a thread and my mind is trying to break, they reach in and grab hold and love me through my pain.

How can someone not have that in their lives? What have you done to make people not want to invest time and effort into you? I’m not saying you need to have a lot of friends, but you need to have one. One person that is not related to you that can speak of your character.

Think about this…many people who apply for government jobs and have to do clearance have to list character references. Let’s not forget about friends/family members who are going through custody cases. Who can speak to you? Who can reference your character and talk about who you are as a person?

You don’t have anyone? Then figure out what the issue is and get to making friends. It’s 2018, there is no excuse to not have friends. If you don’t, how can we trust you?

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Day 19: Seasons

Have you heard the phrase that you must date someone for a full year before you truly know them? The phrase supposedly means that you go through four seasons to really get to know someone. I’m not sure how true it is but I believe that people go through changes just like the seasons.

When I went through a season of change from being married to divorce and then dating and being in a relationship I swear it was seasons before I found peace. I learned how men change with the seasons and I learned about cuffing season which I had never heard of. Getting to know someone and going through season changes allows you to really see who they are throughout the year.

Mr. C and I have been dating for two years and in a relationship for the last year and I noticed how he changed with the seasons. Not in a bad way just his personality tends to flow with the change of the seasons. He’s happier and more vibrant and playful during the summer. During the spring and in the fall he’s cool, calm and more laid-back. In the winter months he tends to be more exhausted and want to stay indoors because he hates the cold so no ice skating, no outside dates, not even walking around outside for long periods. He changes like the seasons but I not in a bad way. It’s in a way that I get to know him and I’m sure if you asked him the same thing he did say that my personality sort of follows the seasons as well.

On this 19th day of my #23daysofthankfulness, I’m thankful for the seasons. The seasons changing, the way we respond to it and for finding love and experience in it all year through. Be thankful for the seasons.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

It’s the Mother’s Fault

I’m so tired of society blaming all the problems of the world on the backs of mothers. We are not responsible for everything that happens in this world. We create life, but as men remind us we couldn’t do so without them. So, based off that fact, wouldn’t it be fair to say that we equally share in creating and influencing our children?

I saw this post in one of my FaceBook groups and was astonished at the comments:

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Why? Aren’t both equally dangerous to the well being of a child? Children require two healthy parents to love and influence them. Mental health is often overlooked in both parents. People who should get help deny their is something wrong with them, but the statistics support that most people are suffering from some sort of depression.

I grew up without a father in my life and I disagree with his statement. It did more damage than good. My mother by no means was toxic, but him not supporting his children financially, spiritually or mentally put all the work on her and she just focused on raising us. I had a hole in my heart because my dad abandoned me.

That played itself out in the men I chose and had relationships with. Some were really good men who could see that my father’s abandonment was playing with me. They didn’t take advantage. They just loved and supported. Others did take advantage. Those were the losers that I was unfortunate enough to be linked too.

Blame shifting when it comes to our children and what is in the best interest serves no one. It only allows those that see nothing wrong with their behavior to blame someone else for them not stepping up to the plate with a knife and a fork.

Our society tends to seek to destroy instead of build up one another. The family unit is damaged and it is sickening to believe that the mental health of men promoting hate propaganda and excusing negative behaviors in men is better for our children. Both a toxic parent and an absentee parent are detrimental to the children.

We need to understad that how children are raised and the traumas they experience in childhood will carry over in their adult lives. It’s a fact. It’s not assumption. Every thing that you’re doing now could be traced back to an event that made you that way. Good, bad or indifferent your past matters. Your experiences matter. They help shape the person that you are.

Children need their parents. Both mothers and fathers. But, you have to do the work to heal yourself from the past traumas you’ve experienced or it will manifest itself in the rearing of your children. Be active, be accountable and be mentally capable of raising great individuals.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Girl – Fall in Line

Yesterday, I posted Real Men Lead about how to know whether or not a man can lead. Now, I want to talk about women submitting. As stated in yesterday’s post…you should only submit to your spouse. Not your boyfriend.

Is it hard? Yep, but you have to know that submission is what is required for a union to work. You can’t solely focus on the ring and the wedding and miss the signs that the man can’t or won’t lead you. He has to be able to lead the family.

I know that when Mr. C and I marry that I will be able to submit. Why? I’m older and wiser now. When I married last, I remember the pastor saying that a “house can’t have two kings Tikeetha. You have to submit.” I laughed and said “I’ll submit. He’s the head, but I’m the neck.” He sighed.

I didn’t realize what I was doing. I didn’t accept my husband’s role in the marriage and I didn’t understand my own. That is something that I’m so serious about this time. Letting a man of God lead our family. I am vowing to give that to Mr. C.

Many of you may be asking how I can knowingly submit to this man. I’ll tell you how, two reasons:

  1. Because I prayed to God to send me Mr. C. and HE did. Mr. C is my answered prayer
  2. Because the Bible tells me too.

Women, we need to understand that our role in a marriage is not to break or destroy our men, but to be their rib. Your rib protects your vital organs. We need to protect him. We can’t lead our house. That is our husband’s job. We need to submit to his leadership. Can you?

If you are struggling to submit to his leadership maybe it’s because you don’t trust his leadership and if you don’t trust his leadership then why did you marry him? It’s something you need to ask yourself. You need to work together to get back on track because trust is fundamental in a marriage. If there is no trust you can’t operate with one mindset that the marriage is the of the utmost priority in the household. Your goals for the family must be in alignment.

If you examine where you are with trust, it may be time to seek out professional counseling to work on rebuilding and securing your strong foundation. You two deserve to have a great marriage and you just need to be willing to put in the work. A good marriage requires two people willing to work at it.

Now, if you are not married and looking for guidance as to what you need to do in order to submit. I want to offer this disclaimer: You can’t make someone submit. You can’t. If you are married and your wife is choosing not to submit you can’t force her. You can suggest counseling because there are issues that your wife may be dealing with because submission is not something she wants to do.

Just like in my last marriage, I will offer this advice I received “A home can’t have two kings.” I know some women may be thinking “Well, I’m not a king, but a queen and I can do it by myself.” Then I offer this…“Why didn’t you stay single and run your own queendom?” Marriage is a partnership and you must understand your role.

5 Things You Must Know Before Submitting:

  1. You have to deal with your own issues before marriage. Making sure that you are mentally healthy and ready for the partnership and unity. Deal with any trust issues you have. Your husband should not pay for the problems of the past. Work them out in therapy and enter your marriage mentally healthy and ready to submit.
  2. You are the rib. You are not the head. You are not leading the marriage. You are supposed to understand that it is a partnership and that your marriage is a priority. Let him lead and be the support. You have to support your husband. Support his choices and decisions knowing that he is following God and will do what is best for the family. Protect him from harm. Have his back and love him through both his good and bad days.
  3. You will sometimes feel alone in your submission. But, you’re not. Ultimately, what is happening is that when you submit to your husband, you are submitting to the will of God and that will is what is working in your marriage. You have to trust this and trust your husband.
  4. Submission means willing to receive direction. Your husband is directing the family because he can’t do it on his own. Realistically speaking, he shouldn’t. It takes two people to make sure that your foundation is firm and your bond unbreakable. Allow him to delegate and follow his lead.
  5. Submission allows your husband to love you completely. If he’s not competing for the role of leader he can love you and focus on the best interest of the family. That means that he will be invested in protecting his family. The family unit stays in tact when you both are working towards the common goal that marriage is a journey and you’re not in a rush to get to the destination.

Savor it sis. Let the man love and lead you the way you’re supposed to be loved. Be giving. Be gracious and be submissive.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Reblog: Why I Won’t Love You

I won’t love you because your definition of love is vastly different from mine.

You see love as control and order. Everything must be in perfect alignment. No coloring outside of the lines.

You see love as a game where you chase, I submit and I live as you wish striving to make you happy.

You see love as a dance where you always lead and I have to follow whether or not I want to go.

You see love as an opportunity to brag and boast about the goodness of me without having to do anything.

You see love as something that you are required to have and not something you desire.

I see love as a smorgasbord of opportunities to improve the life of you.

I see love as my chance to color the rainbow on your heart just like a three year old. Why? Because sometimes love is messy.

I see love where you will chase, I will submit and WE will live each day trying to make each other happy.

I see love as a dance between two people wanting to put their best foot forward. Although I’m awkward in my love dance, I want someone who will create a new move with me.

I see love as a chance to wake up each day thanking God for you. Just you.

I see love as an opportunity to improve both of our lives by loving you without limits.

Do you see now why I won’t love you?

Our definitions of love differ.

You think of you and I think of US.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.