As I lay here thinking about our story I’m kind of in a daze. I knew what I was missing with other men, but I became sort of complacent in the loneliness. A desperate need to connect with something or someone was vital to my survival. But, nothing was happening.
I spent years trying to make a connection with random people hoping that ONE person would be THE person to pull me out of this despair, this fog, this deep darkness that seemed to consume me. It was so lonely in the fog. It was cold.
And then I met you.
I couldn’t figure you out. I tried to analyze you. I tried rhyme or reason to make sense of this man standing before me. A man that didn’t want anything but to get to know me. Each day we spent texting or laughing at each other’s jokes I knew there was something different about you.
You had the ability to make me feel at ease. You weren’t pushy, presumptuous or promiscuous. You accepted me as I was. You would sit down and look in my eyes and stare just to make sure that I knew that you were present and in the moment. I needed that in depth connection. I didn’t know it until now.
You would hold my hand, rub my shoulder and give me encouraging words when it seemed like everything was going so miserably. I remember you just paying so much attention to me when I was frustrated about my family and crying because I felt like a failure as a parent. You just listened to me. You encouraged me. You prayed for me. I needed that.
Feeling that I needed or liked anything from you was really scary for me. Saying it out loud was terrifying me. It was like you were in tune with my spirit. My spirit was longing for yours. My purpose and my vision were seen so clearly. I wanted you to be a part of this journey with me.
I wanted to open up my life to you by peeling back pieces of my soul like layers of an onion and I wanted you to do the same. I wanted you to see the real me. The part that many people never see. The things that I’ve hidden for so long, the pain that I don’t share with anyone, I wanted to share with you.
We both spent the last day of the last year in a place of worship. Both of us wanting God to renew and rejuvenate our spirit. To give us what we need in the sweet 16. That shared need to align our hearts and minds with God is why we’re on this journey. A shared purpose. A shared vision.
I know that my mind moves in a million different directions and my thoughts seem some somehow chaotic. But you make sense of my words. You make sense of my motive. You make sense of my spirit. You make sense of me.
That’s when the fog started to clear and I realized that I liked that. I wanted that. I needed that. I craved that.
So, I want you to know that it is in your spirit that I want to sit. It is in your mind that I want to reside. And it is in your heart that I want to live.
If you let me.