I can remember stories, those things my mother said
She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed
She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight
She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night
My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise
She told me everything, she said he’d be so nice
He’d ride up on his horse and, take me away one night
I’d be so happy with him, we’d ride clean out of sight
She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie
She never said that maybe, someday he’d say goodbye
The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise – or fairy tales
-Anita Baker Fairy Tales
I think a lot of women grow up believing in Fairy Tales. Not just the Disney one’s but the ones our friends, family and society try to weave for us. You know that fairy tale that love is all about roses, horses and being saved by your prince. Love is Perfection. Love and marriage = happy endings.
Well, if you’ve discovered my blog, you know that I don’t believe that. I’m here to tell you the truth…life just doesn’t work that way. There is no perfect person. No perfect ending. No fairy tale for you to believe in. Relationships take work. A lot of hard work and determination to put forth your best effort.
Many of us don’t put forth our best effort. We may say we do, but in reality we are selfish in relationships. We do what we want and say what we want and still expect the other person to just deal with it. Sound familiar to any of you?
I love Anita Baker and when I was going through a painful period in my divorce this song would be on replay. These words spoke to the state of where my mind was: She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie. Dang. I felt that. I couldn’t understand how we got to that point. The point where it all fell apart and I sat looking at the broken pieces of glass on the floor and seeing my soul reflected in them.
That was some painful sh*t. I had to realize that the dream of marriage wasn’t what it was cut out to be. It was a lot more than just parties, great sex and travel. It was two people trying to make something work that they had no idea about. We couldn’t both be selfish.
We had our first big argument on our honeymoon. I thought it was a sign. Who the hell argues on their honeymoon? I cried. I felt alone. I wanted an annulment. Yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat but I was believing in fairy tales. When did you ever see the Prince yelling at Cinderella?
That disillusioned followed me through my marriage. He was not my prince saving me. He was the boogeyman. I was putting my own irrational restrictions on him. I didn’t need saving. It wasn’t his job to save me. I was imagining him being something that he wasn’t. But, here’s the kicker…I didn’t even tell him that I had all these unrealistic expectations of him.
I expected him to know what he should be. Now, we all know that men say that they aren’t mind readers, yet here I was trying to make this man read my mind. I wanted him to guess the role he was supposed to play and just play the dang role. I didn’t want the man that he was, but the one who would slay dragons and make everything better for me. I would be unhappy and wonder when would my prince arrive? Why wasn’t he here? When would he show up. He never did.
LOL. I told ya’ll I was tripping, right? I was disillusioned. But, it’s true. I own my part in my own unhappiness.
So, what I’ve learned is that I had to change my mindset. Think about who I am and what I bring to the table. Take that and decide what I wanted. Do a needs assessment. Stop believing in fairy tales and figure out me.
Stop looking for someone to rescue me and look for someone who would be loyal. Someone who would support my dreams and make me believe that even after we argue that we will still love and respect one another. Someone who wouldn’t curse me out or lie to me. Someone who would see this flawed woman standing before him and love each and every scar. Someone who I could do the same with.
There’s no fairy tale when you make your expectations known and attainable. It’s no fairy tale when you truly just want a wonderful human being to love you just as you are. If that happens, trust me you can make magic.