Can we get real for a moment? Have a real talk? Discuss something that’s been on my mind for a minute.
Okay, here goes…
Girl, you chose him! Stop acting like the man that you laid down with and had a baby with is unfit to see his dang child. Was he unfit when you were sleeping with him? Was he unfit when you gave birth? Was he unfit when he showed up at every doctor’s appointment, sporting event or school performance? No.
No, he wasn’t. He was there being a partner with you. Loving you. Being excited for his blessing that was growing in your womb.
We have to stop this backward thinking when it comes to raising our children. We don’t need to raise our children alone. Nor should we have to. If you have a man that is a father and wants to be a father then why make it difficult?
It’s not about you. It’s about your children. They deserve to have both parents in their lives.
Do you know how many men I meet that tell me that I’m an incredible mother because I don’t deny my son the opportunity to see or visit his father whenever he wants to? Should I get a medal? Nope. I’m doing what’s right.
Right by who? My son. His father.
My marriage didn’t work, but that didn’t mean that his dad was a crap father. He wasn’t. He loves his son. Does he make mistakes (in my opinion)? Yes. But, so do I. No one is perfect.
I didn’t use my son as a pawn.
Neither can you. Even if the father is a questionable individual he should still be allowed to spend time with his child. Even if supervised. Children grow up. They learn who was there and who wasn’t.
But, this isn’t a competition. This is parenting and this s**t is real. We have to do better. We have to learn to co-parent and get along for the sake of our children.
This pettiness, bitterness, I don’t need you to do a damn thing for me attitude has got to take a backseat for the children. You may not need him to do a damn thing, but he should still be able to be a father.
My male best friend went through a divorce 7+ years ago. At the time, his ex wife decided that he would be better as an every other weekend dad. She (along with the courts) stripped his rights and limited his visitation. He was devastated.
She then went two years without letting him see his kids every other weekend. He filed motions of contempt and back and forth to court. The judge caved and made excuses for her. He said, “Tikeetha, I give up. The courts are siding with her. If she wants to do it all then fine. Let her. I’m tired of fighting a battle that I will never win.”
It hurt to hear that. I begged him not to give up. These were his children too. They deserved to have their father and mother in their lives. He couldn’t afford the continued expense. He would show up at the designated meeting spot every other weekend hoping she would be there. Every other weekend for two years. You know what? She wouldn’t be there. Until one day.
He flagged a state police officer down. He showed him the visitation schedule. The officer called her and told her she had 30 minutes to bring the children or he would arrest her. She showed up.
Ridiculous huh? The bitter truth is that she hates him. She’s using her kids as a pawn. Their son is now 15 and very disrespectful to her. She wants his father to help her. He asked her “Why? You did everything in your power to keep me from my kids. You can’t play the hero and victim. You did this so deal with it.”
Do I agree with his response? Nope. But, I understand. I’ve talked him off the mountain and said “Your son will never be happy because how a boy treats his mother is how he will be judged. You need to address that behavior.” They are going to family counseling next month.
However, the worst part of all this is that his son said, “Do you know how embarrassing it is for me that my parents don’t even speak? That my mother and father hate each other. The only time there is ever a conversation is if she’s calling to complain about me.”
Wow! Out of the mouth of babes. Doesn’t that just break your heart?
We’ve got to do better women! We chose them. They have rights. More importantly…our children need their fathers.