2016 advice children coparenting family our children parenting relationships

Real Talk: You Chose Him

Tikeetha TMby
38 Comments on Real Talk: You Chose Him

Can we get real for a moment? Have a real talk? Discuss something that’s been on my mind for a minute.

Okay, here goes…

Girl, you chose him! Stop acting like the man that you laid down with and had a baby with is unfit to see his dang child. Was he unfit when you were sleeping with him? Was he unfit when you gave birth? Was he unfit when he showed up at every doctor’s appointment, sporting event or school performance? No.

No, he wasn’t. He was there being a partner with you. Loving you. Being excited for his blessing that was growing in your womb.

We have to stop this backward thinking when it comes to raising our children. We don’t need to raise our children alone. Nor should we have to. If you have a man that is a father and wants to be a father then why make it difficult?

It’s not about you. It’s about your children. They deserve to have both parents in their lives.

Do you know how many men I meet that tell me that I’m an incredible mother because I don’t deny my son the opportunity to see or visit his father whenever he wants to? Should I get a medal? Nope. I’m doing what’s right.

Right by who? My son. His father.

My marriage didn’t work, but that didn’t mean that his dad was a crap father. He wasn’t. He loves his son. Does he make mistakes (in my opinion)? Yes. But, so do I. No one is perfect.

I didn’t use my son as a pawn.

Neither can you. Even if the father is a questionable individual he should still be allowed to spend time with his child. Even if supervised. Children grow up. They learn who was there and who wasn’t.

But, this isn’t a competition. This is parenting and this s**t is real. We have to do better. We have to learn to co-parent and get along for the sake of our children.

This pettiness, bitterness, I don’t need you to do a damn thing for me attitude has got to take a backseat for the children. You may not need him to do a damn thing, but he should still be able to be a father.

My male best friend went through a divorce 7+ years ago. At the time, his ex wife decided that he would be better as an every other weekend dad. She (along with the courts) stripped his rights and limited his visitation. He was devastated.

She then went two years without letting him see his kids every other weekend. He filed motions of contempt and back and forth to court. The judge caved and made excuses for her. He said, “Tikeetha, I give up. The courts are siding with her. If she wants to do it all then fine. Let her. I’m tired of fighting a battle that I will never win.”

It hurt to hear that. I begged him not to give up. These were his children too. They deserved to have their father and mother in their lives. He couldn’t afford the continued expense. He would show up at the designated meeting spot every other weekend hoping she would be there. Every other weekend for two years. You know what? She wouldn’t be there. Until one day.

He flagged a state police officer down. He showed him the visitation schedule. The officer called her and told her she had 30 minutes to bring the children or he would arrest her. She showed up.

Ridiculous huh? The bitter truth is that she hates him. She’s using her kids as a pawn. Their son is now 15 and very disrespectful to her. She wants his father to help her. He asked her “Why? You did everything in your power to keep me from my kids. You can’t play the hero and victim. You did this so deal with it.”

Do I agree with his response? Nope. But, I understand. I’ve talked him off the mountain and said “Your son will never be happy because how a boy treats his mother is how he will be judged. You need to address that behavior.” They are going to family counseling next month.

However, the worst part of all this is that his son said, “Do you know how embarrassing it is for me that my parents don’t even speak? That my mother and father hate each other. The only time there is ever a conversation is if she’s calling to complain about me.”

Wow! Out of the mouth of babes. Doesn’t that just break your heart?

We’ve got to do better women! We chose them. They have rights. More importantly…our children need their fathers.

38 comments

  1. What an amazing post! Using children as a pawn during a divorce is more common then most people think. I’m thankful my husband didn’t have to go through that and even more thankful that my step kids didn’t have to go through that.

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    1. Thank you so much. I just we as women would stop being bitter. I know stuff falls apart and the promises that were made are now broken but that’s when we have to show our true strength and focus on our children. He may have been a crap husband to you, but he’s still their father and don’t deny him. Too many of us use our children as pawns and that’s not fair to the kids.

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  2. Reblogged this on Not the Average Mama and commented:
    This post by Tikeetha really spoke to me. I am a child of divorce and married to a man who went through a divorce with two small children. I’m thankful Matt, James and Jordan didn’t have to go through this kind of pain, but using children as pawns in divorce is more common then most people think. When two people are so angry with each other and the gloves come off, they sometimes will stop at nothing to get what they want and forget about the little ones who are the REAL ones being hurt.

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  3. When I was younger I made very firm stances in life!!! 1. Was that if I was cheated on, then I would leave! 2. Was that if I was married and had kids, then got divorced, under most circumstances (not abuse or neglect) I wouldn’t walk around hating that man for the rest of my life or keep him from being a Dad.
    There was definitely some hate in the beginning and initial questions about how much I could trust. Though, I didn’t ever want to keep my kids away from him.
    I most certainly believed that at one time I loved this many enough to have children with him, so I had to remember that love going forward.

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    1. Yes, it gets hard because we are in pain from the destruction of marriage, but like you said you looked outside of the pain and realized that their relationship was more important. He wasn’t an abusive dad. It requires maturity, I know, but we have to stop trying to make a man pay because he didn’t keep the vows or promises he made when he married us.

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  4. When my husband and I divorced (we eventually remarried, long story) we didn’t even go through the courts for our divorce or custody. We were adult enough to divorce, then we were adult enough to handle everything ourselves. We spent holidays together, worked out our own schedules, and never used our daughter as a pawn. I think it’s shameful to do so, and that this is creating a cycle in our society. Kids see mom and dad doing it, they grow up, and do the same thing. It goes on and on. Amazing post!!

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    1. Thank you so much for the comment. Yes, and we are raising unhealthy children. Marriages may not work but the children shouldn’t be forced to choose or be played like chess pieces. They will grow up and repeat the same pattern they saw because that is their reality.

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  5. Nice point. The damage that is done to kids with this game is awful. Someone once told me “You have to love your kids MORE than you hate your ex.” And that really spoke to me. Kids need both parents – as long as they are both suitable parents – involved in their lives. I wish your friend luck. Xo

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    1. Yes, I love it. “Love your kids more than you hate your ex.” We all need to realize this. If they are unfit then obviously they still need to see the kids (even if supervised) but we have to stop alienating our children from the other parent. It does more damage.

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  8. Brilliant, brilliant post Tikeetha. I could not agree more !!! It is times like this, when I do not like woman…who do these woman think they are? Denying the father the right to see his child, is beyond cruel. The woman bitches about ‘the man’ being the ‘you know what’ and in turn ‘the woman’ is no better! It took two to make that child. It took two for the relationship to end. Oh, and then of course, ‘the woman’ wants maintenance but then denies the father the right to see the child…I am sorry…this is a huge topic for me. I have seen several situations like these, it is just so destructive.

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  10. You are a remarkable woman, Tikeetha.
    I was married to a man who could have cared less about his children. He was all about himself. Just last night, my daughters’ boyfriend came in and said he wanted to play with his son. It made me so incredibly sad, I could hardly stand it. My ex never spent any time with his children….even when they got older and after I left him, he would make one phone call….to me. He wanted to know “how they were” and wanted me to pass on his “hello’s.” He couldn’t take five minutes to talk to his grandson because his tramp was spending the night with him.
    A father who actually cares about his children? I (nor they) have no idea what that even means.
    Your caring about fathers is commendable and shows your character. Not many people see it that way and yes, indeed try to play the children as pawns.
    This was a great post!!!!!!

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  14. I agree Tikeetha. I so wish my mom had seen it this way. Im still working thru that pain.

    Anywho what I’m realizing is parents can be more selfish than we realize, thinking about their feelings instead of what’s best for the child. Once you marry and or bring babies into the world SO much sacrifice is involved. And sometimes that means sacrificing your feelings/happiness for the betterment of the child!

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  17. I love this post. It reminds me of a cousin who decided to poison the minds of her children against their dad just because she and her husband had to divorce. It’s so dad that the children grew up hating their dad for everything who actually seem to be a nice person from my own point of view. Nevertheless he still does everything for them like paying bills and so on and this makes me ask the question. Why the hate? I’m going to reblog this!💝

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  18. Reblogged this on eddaz and commented:
    My marriage didn’t work, that doesn’t make him a crap father. No one is perfect. This is an awesome post written by A Thomas point of view. Hope you enjoy reading just like I did💝

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  19. Great post. I can’t stand people using their children as weapons. It’s evil!

    My girlfriend is having a constant back and forth battle with her ex about their son. She doesn’t deny him access, but he abuses the situation by refusing to adhere to any kind of co-parenting schedule. He buys their sons love. Gives him everything he wants regardless of any wrong he does. Says it’s not his responsibility to punish him for bad behaviour.

    What makes it worse is he throws his money about whilst refusing to pay child maintenance simply because he doesn’t want to.

    I wholeheartedly agree with your post, but sadly there are fathers out there who totally abuse the situation and poison their children in other ways

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting. Yes, people need to get over themselves and realize that it is about the child only. Take care of your children, but don’t buy their affection or love. Children need consistency. I know that it is frustrating as heck, but she has to keep trying in spite of her ex having no real role in their son’s life. He’s trying to be a friend or a carnival dad instead of being a responsible parent.

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      1. Precisely! I’ve been saying that since day one. He actually calls the boy ‘mate’. We do what we can and try to instil the correct values in him, but it’s literally all undone by his dad and he’ll always choose whatever passes as an easier ride until he’s old enough to know better

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