I’m having a rough season. So, much has happened that I keep telling you that I’m going to lose my mind some days. I spoke about some stuff in my post And There I Stood and I keep taking the hits. Can I just tell you how this season is trying me? Truthfully, this season sucks! I want a do over.
All I want is peace. Peace from the constant hits and attacks. I mean can’t I get a break? Yep, that’s what I’m saying all the while hitting the balls that come at me from every angle better than any major league baseball player. But, I’m tired ya’ll. I’m oh so tired.
I am in my busy season at work. This is the season where Open Enrollment becomes my full-time concern as I am a Benefits Manager. This is what I do. Make sure that Open Enrollment happens for the company each year. It’s busy from September through January. I work longer hours. I give more presentations. My phone rings off the hook. I’m busy. I’m exhausted.
It’s planned so I know this every year. With my work commitments I literally try to balance my personal life around it so that I don’t over commit myself and under perform on the job that pays my bills. But, it gets hard. My book reading is this Saturday at the Potter’s House here in DC and I’m like ‘Whew, time flew’. I’m excited but I’m still dealing with so much that I haven’t been as excited as I assume I should be. Is it nerves? Is it a good thing or bad thing? I have no idea.
I’ll talk more about my book reading on Thursday, but ya’ll know the complicated relationship that my dad and I have. It’s a relationship that struggles, primarily because I don’t what it is or how it’s supposed to be. We’re just holding on and just learning each other. But, I know that he matters. His life matters. To both Munch and I.
I just don’t know what it’s supposed to be. The gray. The gray confuses the hell out of me. I hate gray. I like definitions and certainty and to know that things are supposed to just work. Him being in the hospital let me know that I care more than I thought.
I was talking to one of the nurses because I had to authorize the surgery and she asked me did I want him to have a blood transfusion should he need it. I was shocked. I said “Yes, and I want you to deploy any and all types of life saving methods for him. He’s my dad.”
He is my dad. It was my job to make sure that they were going to save his life. It was still too much to do. I needed him to know that I forgive him. I truly forgive him. Do you know how hard this is for me? All the pain and years of holding on to the fact that he abandoned me had put me to this point that I needed my dad to know that I truly forgive him and I want us to work on putting the past to bed. He’s not perfect, neither am I but I want to let it go and move forward.
We only get one life to live and even though my dad is a piece (in some ways small piece) of it – he matters to me. I need that piece to be where it’s supposed to be. I am thankful that I have family who go to the hospital and make sure that he’s good. That update me after each visit. It has made things easier as I navigate this season of suckiness that I’m in.
I have a lot going on but I’m prioritizing what matters and who matters and I guess that I’m here to tell ya’ll definitively that my daddy matters. I’ll be heading to Tennessee at the end of the year to visit him with Munch. We’re going to put my new car on the road and spend some time with family and dad right before my birthday.