Continued from last week’s post: Jacob’s Girl – Part 4
Jacob disappeared out of my life after that. I didn’t know where he was and I desperately tried to find him. I developed complications in my pregnancy and Jacob wasn’t there. I called him over and over again and got no response. I became worried. I wanted to see him. I needed to find him. To remind him that he promised to never leave me and now I felt alone. I thought he was dead, but I quickly dispelled that thought because I could still feel him in my spirit. I didn’t find Jacob before I delivered my baby, but each and every day I prayed that he would be okay. I would find Jacob. I was supposed to find him because I belonged to him. I am Jacob’s girl.
Time passed and I eventually reunited with Jacob. Jacob was not dead and he had more drama and turmoil than one man should have and I didn’t want to add to his problems. I became the dutiful friend, confidante and supporter he needed. I was always in Jacob’s corner, praying for his spirit. I needed him to know that I would always have his back.
I settled into motherhood with ease and grace and realized that my love’s seed was a divine gift and it was incumbent upon me to be the best mom I could be. The best person I could be. But, I didn’t know who I was? I lost myself and things began to unravel in my marriage. I was like a crack addict, praising my love when things were good and crying myself to sleep when things were bad. It was in the bad that my thoughts always went to Jacob. Jacob would know what to tell me. Jacob would fix this. Jacob would know how to protect me. Jacob would always be there for me and my baby.
One wintry night after almost eleven years of marriage, I decided that I could no longer be the shell of the person I was living. I told my love that it was over. That I wanted out and if he ever loved me, he would let me go. I told him that I needed peace and I didn’t want him to hate me or for me to hate him, but I knew… I needed Jacob.
Jacob was out of his situation and life had hardened his spirit and soul and I knew that there was nothing I could do to change him. To save him. To wrap him in my arms and hold him until the pain or worries of his spirit eased off his back. All I could do was stand by and listen. Be his friend. Be his…I don’t know what the hell to call me.
Jacob is an enigma of contradictions. He’s an incorrigible man who only sees things in black and white and Jacob doesn’t believe that my soul is anchored in his spirit. He can’t see that my heart beats for him and that he is my rib. He can’t see that my love is pure, true and flawed, because I am flawed. I am not the same 13 year old girl who gave herself to Jacob one afternoon in September. I am a woman who 25 years later still dreams of Jacob, wants Jacob, loves Jacob and will always be here for Jacob. Love hurts, love is painful, but I belong to Jacob. Always.
To read the first 4 parts click here:
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