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Modern Dating: What I’ve Learned

There were astonishingly painful stories of betrayal, dishonesty, and duplicitous behavior that came with their modern dating experiences but they overcame.

Nietzsche was absolutely correct. There’s madness in love, and love in madness. One can also say the same thing about modern dating and relationships.

I came up with a quote a while back…

The definition of insanity is knowing you will be hurt, and jumping anyway.

Essentially, this is love, modern dating, and relationships.  Knowing it’s going be fun, laughs, great sex, and awesome experiences mixed with a muthaf___kkn tidal wave that drowns your emotions into a state of asphyxiation.

Been there.

Done that.

What I’ve Learned About Modern Dating

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We’ve done so much to complicate this process.  I remember when it was so simple.

Innocent laughter about random yet imaginative thoughts of days past and fictitious accounts of days to come. It was all there. I miss that. After hours of conversation, with some hesitation, finally conceding to the overwhelming narcolepsy weighing my eyelids south and shading my brown iris like a lunar eclipse. We agree to end this night, but neither of us wants that to be, so we, decide to play a game of “count to three.”
No you hang up,
No, you hang up,
On 3 hang up.

How Do We Feel About Modern Dating?

Those were the days. Conversely, all the talk about paying for dates, who should call first, men are this, and women are that has turned modern dating into a gut-wrenching process. Furthermore, the very mention of modern dating and you will see a lot of people’s faces shrivel up like grandma’s prunes.

Simply put, daters feel betrayed. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Why? As a child, we always thought dating  (in general) would lead to our partner-for-life or marriage.  Needless to say, for a lot of people, this hasn’t materialized into the fictitious fantasy Disney portrayed.

They forgot to mention that the Prince in Cinderella was smashing some of the women at the ball the night before he met her with the glass slipper and all that.

Okay, Okay, I’m kidding (the prince was a virgin)—but even you can’t deny the fact this isn’t far from the reality of modern dating.

You will get the good and the bad. You’ll meet some great people and build long-lasting relationships. Or, you’ll meet a toad. One you believe is a kiss away from your knight in shining armor or your “Queen to be” (Coming to America). Only to find out, they will never change from an anuran. All the above, while remaining toxic, slimy, and with a considerable amount of warts.

My Dating Assessment: The Negative

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On the negative side, words like fear, apprehensive, selfish, entitled, complex, toxic, hypocritical, amaurotic, unrealistic, denial, and pain come to mind.

It’s important to realize, I’ve seen all the above with clients, friends, family, followers and general observation.  A lot (and I mean) a lot of daters are dating in absolute fear.  They are apprehensive about the approach, the process, and selfish with their feelings (hiding behind a wall).

At the same time, they are entitled and believe they deserve the whole world while giving the minimum. It’s a totally hypocritical and unrealistic mindset. In addition, it’s counterproductive to the overall goal.

A lot of these daters do not believe anything is wrong with them. They refuse to see the reality of their situation. As a result, their denial is very toxic. In the same fashion, it affects the host, and can also affect everyone around them.

Hurt people, hurt people.

 

Case and Point

This is the conundrum lot of daters are caught in with no clue how to start, maneuver effectively, or reach their goal successfully.

Jay, I’m generally reasonable person.  There was this woman that I had my eye on for months. I watched her movements online and waited for my opportunity.  From what I could see, she was single the entire time.  Finally, I put my bid in.  I was ready to pounce.  We talked pretty consistently for a few months. During that time she would disappear for days to a week. When we finally spoke, she would just say… “I told you, my communication is bad.” So, my first response was, “well, what are you doing to get better? Because it seems like you’re just complacent with how you are.” She can be pretty fiery at times, so I expected the jacked up response she gave.

However, weeks later she came with the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech. I just have trust issues and I’m hard to date. Sitting back in my chair, I just laughed. I had invested all this time trying to get to know her, and she flaked.  Needless to say she was still talking to other men.  So, I believe it was [just me] she backed away from. But she didn’t have to lie about it. Some of these women are bs artists. Funny thing, a few months later she turns up pregnant complaining about the daddy.  So I guess I dodged a bullet in the end, but I get tired of running into these women. I don’t know the rules to this modern dating thing. I’m old school—traditional.  I want to talk to one woman at a time. Not a group.

— Darin

My Dating Assessment: The Positive

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On the other hand, there are words like positive, hopeful, determined, committed, finally, healed, purposeful, risk, and perseverant.

I’ve personally met some truly dope women in the last few years.  Career level notwithstanding, they were simply great people to their core.  The fellas? They were equally as dope—and all of them were ready to meet, “their person.”

They all have some of the same characteristics in common. No matter what the obstacle of dating was, they overcame it.  Their personal pains, hurt, and disappointment was prevailing. Yet, they continued to forge forward off that cliff I spoke about earlier. Knowing that leap might involve some adversity (and injury).

Case and Point

I remember dating this guy, it started off kinda slow and rocky.  He was kinda nonchalant about communication. Instead of cutting him off like you described in your cut-off culture blog, I continued communication with him. You also suggested that we “talk more, date less.” I love that tagline by the way… because I actually used it. We didn’t go out on a date for almost a month. All we did was talk and get to know each other (once he came around to my side of communication).  He works in an environment where he’s on the phone all day and when he gets off the phone is the last thing he wants to do.  So we met in the middle (literally).  We planned to meet and talk in person twice a week and talk on the phone twice.  Not all long conversation, but touch base, learnings and all that jazz.  I also learned he’s an awesome guy. Thanks to you I stuck around.  Normally, I would’ve bolted.

— Jessica

Similarly, all of the above people were invested, focused and realistic about the process. They weren’t entitled because of gender or sex. Communication was key, and when they became discouraged, their ability to step back, reassess, recalibrate and endure was phenomenal.

Lastly, the most important thing I observed is their ability to forgive and heal.

Read: Forgiveness Or Nah? The Choice Is Yours

I was astonished at the painful stories of betrayal, dishonesty, and duplicitous behavior that went on with their modern dating experiences.  However, when speaking with them, you wouldn’t think they went through anything, much less those traumas.  There was no resentment, bitterness, spitefulness, or shade about modern dating. Just the necessary reflection and growth.

 

The Bottom Line

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As can be seen, The modern dating process can be complex (if you let it), full of benefits (if you invest), fun (if you make it), draining (if you don’t communicate effectively), and most definitely gratifying depending on numerous factors that [you] and your partner control.

Given these points, you get out of it what you put into it—and some people put nothing into it but expect everything out of it. Others give a half-assed, fear-based effort and expect to win.

As been noted…

Love is like running a race. It doesn’t matter if it’s a sprint or a marathon. You won’t win, if you’re worried about getting hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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