Women Should Most Definitely Protect Men

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Recently, I asked a group of over 23,000 members (mostly women)… “Do you think you should protect your man/husband?” The major of responses were, “no..”  Or some round-about way of saying no such as, “That’s a man job.” I’ve asked this same question in other forums, and the answers were typically the same.
I’ve come to the conclusion that many women in the U.S. are socialized to believe that a man should protect her with no reciprocity. They are raised by their parents this way. Taught that a man should protect them, but not the other way around. Disney reinforced this idea with their films. From childhood, women have received over 20 plus years of subliminal messaging, telling them that men should to protect them. Whether it be a damsel in distress, knight in shining armor, rich man saves poor woman, Richard Gere saves Julia Roberts. The constant themes, and images of a man protecting a woman are abundant.

Various Form of Protection

  • Emotional
  • Mental
  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Financial

When we hear the word, “protection” or “protect” we automatically default to physical protection. Hence why so many women believe it’s only a man’s job to do the protecting.

Imagery

Every day, I look at imagery. For my blog, my personal photography work, and just for leisure. When I look at images of, “love, relationships and dating…” I typically see the man with his arms around the woman. I usually do not see the woman with her arms around the man.

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Now, before you get all up in your feelings about that last statement, understand, I do not have a problem with these images and what they portray. In fact I love them. I also understand (for photography purposes) that men are typically on average, so they stand behind the woman with their arms around her.
On the other hand, these images show a man protecting a woman, which in turn would make any girl believe that is the way it should be. A woman consistently in the position of, “the protected.” I am here to tell you, a woman should protect her man/husband as well.

So How Do You Protect Him?

His reputation

We all have a reputation to uphold. Whenever someone tries to “come for him” or taint his name, a woman should help protect that reputation. Women can see things we can’t see… this also why your protection is essential.

Guard his feelings

This is a big one. From childhood, expression of feelings is something most men are just not taught. We were taught to be aggressive, told we shouldn’t cry, show no pain, or fear, and destroy your opponent. So, the one place we should feel comfortable expressing ourselves is with our woman/wife. I’ve been in many social settings (and groups) and when a man begins to express himself, he’s talked-over, talked-for, or simply told he’s complaining. I’ve seen women make jokes about men when they express themselves. Utter emasculation in public. If a man feels as though a woman doesn’t value his feelings, he will shut down and become emotionally unavailable.

Guard his heart…

…from the demons that would do him harm. I’m a firm believer in spirituality, negative forces, and negative energy. When I tell you, that the minute I’m on track, focused, and headed in the right direction, here comes a dozen different distractions, obstacles, and people to divert my attention.  My eyes and mind are always open, and aware of the negative people, and things that effect me in an adverse way.

  • A woman can see another woman who intends to hurt her man, and stop said woman dead in her tracks.
  • A woman could see something her man is doing where he could hurt himself, or his career (that’s protection).
  • Holding your man accountable for his actions is protection.

Protect him with your love

Surround him with it. Men don’t feel love from many places (especially black men)… we feel more hatred, fear and disdain than anything when we’re out in the world. The love we feel comes from family, and most of all our woman/wife. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I came home and felt lower than dirt from getting beat up all day (emotionally) and my woman would put her arms around me and protect me from the demons that were invading my mind telling me I couldn’t do it (give up). The love of my woman was like an extra barrier against those that would do me harm, or hurt me. Her love and support kept me focused and got me back on task when I felt inadequate.

Pray For Him

In an article about “4 Ways To Protect Your Husband… ”  Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says:

Another great way to protect your husband is through prayer. There is no greater protector than God. Pray for your husband and with your husband. His life, his choices and his spirit all need to be lifted up constantly. You can pray that in his role as husband he always feels loved and supported. Also ask God to provide you with all you need to protect your husband as well.

As you can see, you should protect your man. Stop letting society, the way your parents taught you, or girlfriends told you, dictate what’s right, and what’s needed in your relationship.

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Welcome To My Love, Dating & Relationships Podcast

courtship-vs-dating

Hey everyone,

This will be short. I want to take some time out to thank everyone who has supported all my posts, blogs, vlogs.  Now, I want to introduce to you my new podcast about love, dating, and relationships.

I’m already on episode 03 Courtship vs. Dating.

If you’d like to hear the first two podcasts, follow the link below.

For those of you who have already read my blog on Courtship vs Dating, I expound on the subject even more on 3.26.18

Please click the link below, and then click the follow button on the home page to be notified whenever a new podcast is released. You can follow with Facebook, Twitter or Google+.

If you have any questions that you’d like to be addressed on the show, please submit them to:
relationshipsetcetera.com/contact

Subject: JustLsn Podcast

 

Thanks in advance!

 

 

Every Man Has A Label By Day 31

every-man-has-label-day-31

I recently posted about the dating label that most men put on women by the 31st day of the month. In today’s post I will be depicting the various labels that women put on men by the 31st day of the month.  And yes… women do it too.

It is also not uncommon for a woman to have all these men in the lineup at the same time (each one carrying a unique label), especially if she’s single.

 

A Label Can Suck, But Not All Labels Are Created Equal

All men wear a label (whether we know it or not). Some women might be more intentional with their labeling—but they are very similar (and subtle) to men in how they go about applying the status they give each man. Women might apply a certain label to a man that defines what he does [for] her. In other words, if he’s someone who pays her bills, he could be labeled, “money man.”

 

Your man (publicly declared)man-label-day-31

Pretty self explanatory. Pretty much the hubby or boyfriend. Your man is the most well-rounded, and balanced man in your circle. He is the one you can do most things with….from great sex, to going out, or just sitting down having a great conversation. He is the one you share your most intimate moments with. The one you “love” and accept no matter what. Your man can just be himself because he is a constant fixture in your life. He doesn’t question his label because you make him a priority.

Your man does everything. He fills up your gas tank, cooks for you, rubs your feet after a long day at work, listens to you ramble aimlessly about (anything)—he even lets you eat off his plate.

 

Sex man

A.K.A. “Mr. Fulfillment!” S.K.A. “The Plumber.” Over a period of time, if your man is not putting out, doesn’t have time, or he isn’t very good in bed…here comes sex man. In many cases, the label “sex man” can be had by a random man you met. The sexual chemistry is so strong, you yield to it constantly, and the sexual excursions became a regular occurrence. Sex man is Mr. pleasure…you go to see him late at night..or sometimes early in the day. Sex with him is intense and spontaneous…he probably does all of the things that your man won’t do, or hits all the spots that your man can’t seem to find. He is a fantasy fulfilled… the man that has the equipment to get you off. Sex man usually doesn’t have the best personality, or even the best character. He only has one job…

lay that pipe.

Some women would probably believe that any man would want this label (right?)…. wrong. A man that is truly looking for a real relationship would not want to be limited to sex.

 

Bill Man

every-man-label-day-31The provider. Sometimes [your man], and [sex man] are broke-ass men.  Or, they work jobs that don’t make them enough money to satisfy your craving for material objects, movies, trips, car payments, bills, whatever. Money has all that covered. You need a bill paid? Call bill man. Car about to be repossessed? Call bill man. Don’t want to spend your own money? Do I really need to say it again?

You typically tease money man…making him think that you will give him some, but you never do…and if you do…you don’t let him smash… you (just might) let him taste it, that’s about it. Money man disillusions himself to think that one day he will become, [your man]. In some cases, money man knows all about your (real) man and has mass amounts of envy for him. Mm is typically not the most attractive of the 5 men listed. Having low self esteem is very common. Simply put, he enjoys your company, and/or the sex you’re willing to give him in exchange for goods…. and no, I’m not making this up.

 

Movie Man

Movie man wants everything that sex man, money man, and your man have, but doesn’t have the resolute to step up and take it. Instead he thinks of it constantly…every now and then bringing it up—and at that point you quickly change subjects. This man is cool to go out with.. you can eat and laugh with him.. or, go to a movie with him. Nights are short with this man because you very rarely go into his house, or sit and talk (that’s your man and friend man job).  It’s usually you sitting on his couch waiting for him to get ready to go out, or, you meeting him somewhere to hang out. This man also is aware of [your man] but has no idea about money man, sex man and friend man.

If you just so happen to be single and have a movie man, you don’t take him seriously, he’s a stop gap, someone you spend aimless time with until you meet the man you really want.

 

Just A Friend

This is the man that you talk-to about all the above men. He knows it all. From your indiscretions, to your infidelity. You can tell him these things because you don’t see him as your man, (you’ve friend-zoned him) nor will you ever.  He has the best conversation—better then everyone else.  He keeps your best kept secret locked away, and can even be a great alibi if your man knows about him. Perhaps at one point friend man was  go out to eat/movie man…but you just didn’t see him in a more advanced role, so…he ended up being friend man.

You may actually see friend man a little like you see sex man, but he is not as attractive to you sexually. You also don’t want to violate your friendship, so you keep things on the level they are. Friend man wants everything your man has. He will bring it up from time to time… but you always tell him, “I don’t see you that way.” Friend man typically has all the qualities you want in a man but for some reason you don’t pursue anything further. Know one knows why but you, (and probably your girlfriends).

He might be lacking in a critical area, or maybe you love your man so much you can’t leave him. This is why you have so many other different types of men. Friend man either hates your man with a passion, or he tolerates him—and really doesn’t care about the others, because he sees himself as better then them. Friend man just sits there and waits for the opportunity to pounce when you and your man break up. He is the comforter when your man is acting like an ass or you get into an argument. He is in all honesty…number two on the depth chart, waiting to be number one.

 

Thanks for reading.
Don’t forget to comment below!

What Love Means To Me

what-love-means

Everyone has their definition of love.

I believe love is multifaceted. There’s love for family, love for children, love for people, and love for your partner.

I don’t know everything about love

One thing that I do know…

Love is always apparent, transparent and never a conundrum.

Love is a white blood cell that seeks out the virus that is hatred, anger, resentment, bitterness, envy, fear, and eradicates them.

Love isn’t roses for a day, it’s my word, my bond, my honesty and my heart for life.

Love is sacrifice… love is giving selflessly without thoughts of reciprocation.

Love is a lifetime, being in-love is a moment in that lifetime.

Love doesn’t take our breath away, it breathes life into you.

Love is thoughtfulness, note-taking, memorization of your partner’s needs and wants.

Love is writing your name on a piece of paper but changing the last name to your partner’s last name.

Love is proactive, it doesn’t wait… because love is like that orgasm that you can’t hold… it needs to be great.

Love isn’t petty. Love isn’t spiteful.

Love is honest expression when it hurts to say.

Love has conquered more people than Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Tamerlane, and Genghis Khan put together. Love is ruthless in that way.

From the hardest of hearts, to the most stubborn of minds, love finds a way.

So many people say… “Love is not enough.” We made love not enough.

Love is easy… we make it complex with all our lists, standards, expectations, preferences, and the lot. We call that love, that’s not love. Love is something we forgot.

Love was apparent when we were kids. We just didn’t recognize it. But it was easy… it was truly organic in its creation. It was trying to make your girlfriend smile just because you liked her. It was secret kisses, letters passed throughout class. It was phone calls where you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning until one of you (if not both of you) fell asleep.

That’s what love looks like to me. No makeup, no accessories, no taper, just raw, unmitigated passion for the other person in their purest form

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you all the best in your current or future love.

Yours truly,

jay signature

Women Of Color – Beautiful For So Many Unrecognized Reasons

Black woman-African American-Afro-Dark Skinned

That being said, me being a creative man, I gravitate toward things that are colorful and vibrant. By colorful, I mean that literally and figuratively. Women of color just astonish me. That means, Indian, Native American, African, Latin, Arabian, Polynesian, Asian and anyone else I left out.

Why do I Love Women of Color?

Black woman-beautiful-love-dating

Not just because of a skin color, but because of the heritage, the culture they all come from and the history of said culture.

From the beauty and vocals of Dorothy Dandridge, to the dancing grace of Maria TallChief.  Or, we can easily tout the powerful presence of Eva Peron or Tejano vocalist Selena Quintanilla-Peréz. What about the eminence of Hatsheput or the Mother of the Modern-Day Civil Rights Movement Rosa Parks? I find all of them the most attractive. Not just physically but on a much more profound level.

What About That Look?

That being said, I can’t leave out the physical aspect. The facial features, the various skin complexions, tones, contours and hair textures. Did I mention the accents? There’s nothing like a Latin woman born in the Northeastern section of the United States. Or, a woman born in Spain, Portugal, Brazil, Panama, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic or Costa Rica. What about the culture and beauty of an African woman from Nigeria, Somalia or Ethiopia? The storied history behind those countries’ women and all that comes with the heritage. What about an African-American women from all-over the United States? They themselves bring a certain uniqueness that I find most sexy.

From their  level of intellect, charisma and fortitude, to their independent yet humble nature. That melanin carries historical perseverance and pride, while the tensity of their hair represents the strength of their people. How can you not find that beautiful?

 

These women are more than just a beholding of beauty to me. They are the very definition of perseverance and inner strength. Which, is so much more significant when you view women of color.  You must look beyond the surface.

Women of Color Are Profound

Think of the native African or even the African-American woman and what they or their ancestors endured and continue to encounter in today’s society. Slavery, War, Segregation, Racism, Sexism, Discrimination, Genocide are all trials embedded within their beings. When you look at a woman from these cultures, you have to see more than a face. More than pulchritude. More than sexual commodity to be had. They are the essence of overcoming an oppressive state of being.

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Photo Credit: Marc de Groot

Women of color are born into a world where they are automatically at a deficit because of their gender. Even with the feminist movement and the rapid advancement of women’s rights on the rise in the United States and other countries. Women are still at a bigger disadvantage than their male counterparts. Add to that, a lot of these women are born into cultures where they are beneath the men and have to scratch and claw their way to prominence. There’s a certain beauty in that… a certain sex appeal. And a definite strength.

 

The Deficit

In a earlier blog I spoke about, “Dating and the Plight of the Black Woman.” I highlighted the literal canyon of obstacles black women have to overcome just to be seen as intelligent, desirable and beautiful in the dating world when compared against women of other cultures. To give you a small example, I want you to do something for me:

  1. Pull up another window on your phone, tablet or laptop.
  2. Do a google search on, “beautiful women.”
  3. Click on images.

What did you see? What did you notice?

5 out of the first 100 images are of women of color. I would’ve gone farther, but I chose not too. You have already received my point. Women of color are not considered, “as-beautiful-as…” white women.  This is the deficit that women of color face. They already have to work 5 times harder just to be viewed as beautiful. Can you imagine how difficult that is, in the world of modeling and fashion alone? That is unacceptable. However, as shown above, it’s a harsh reality for women of color.

Hadley Freeman from, theguardian.com states in her article about black women and fashion…

Black models never, with single-digit exceptions in a decade, appear on the cover of major fashion magazines, because, as the black model Jourdan Dunn told the Guardian last year,“people in the industry say if you have a black face on the cover of a magazine it won’t sell.”

 

Jourdan Dunn-Quote-Black Woman-Dating-Love-Beautiful-color

 

My Final Take

That is how black beauty is viewed the world over. Vogue, Elle, GQ, Vanity Fair, Cosmopolitan, L’Officiel, Harper’s Bazaar, and more… rarely place women of color, let alone black women on their covers.

I for one, believe that all women are beautiful in their own unique way. No matter how they pull up in a google search or if they regularly grace the cover of internationally syndicated fashion magazines. Women of color will always be beautiful to me, inside and out.

National Boyfriend’s Day?

Are we just making up stuff now? Yesterday was National Boyfriend’s Day. Did you know it? Do you care? LOL.

I sent my own boyfriend (Mr. C) a notice that it was National Boyfriend’s Day. He thought it was hilarious and asked “Is that right and what do boyfriends get in their honor?”  Stop being nosey. I’m not telling you what I told him.

But I did some research and found out the following:

“National Boyfriend Day is here. Falling on third of October every year, the day is an unofficial holiday meant to celebrate (as the name suggests) the man you love.

Even though ‘boyfriend’ refers to a person with whom you are in intimate relationship, people also celebrate the day to appreciate the men they love platonically.” V. Sonawane – IB Times 

Pretty cool huh? We get Valentine’s Day and he gets National Boyfriend’s Day. LOL. But, seriously we are going to see each other this weekend and I’ll treat him to dinner. However, let it be said that I don’t need to show him how much I appreciate him by giving him gifts. He’s a pretty simple man and before you get it twisted, I don’t need him to spoil me with gifts either.

Since he is an avid reader of my blog I thought it would be a great idea to tell him publicly (and of course my closest friends) how much I appreciate him. Here’s my letter to him:

Dear Babe:

Thank you for the many hours of conversation that you provide. Thank you for consoling me when my worries and anxiety threaten to consume me. Thank you for the many dates you spend enjoying my presence and courting my spirit. Thank you for friendship, for prayer and for love. 

In honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I want to thank you publicly for being you. You have become my biggest supporter and my best friend. You help me to see that there are no limits that I can’t reach and you calm my tormented spirit just by being in my presence. I truly want to thank you for who you are and what you do. 

I thank God each and every day for you because you really make me love and appreciate the healthy and normal. Our relationship is ever evolving and moods change often, but you respect me like I respect you to give each other space. I want to thank you for always giving me time even when you’re too exhausted to give it. I want to thank you for the last year, for today and for the future. I want to spend every day loving the space that you and I create and honoring you with all that I am and all that I have. Thank you for loving my erratic mind, my quirky spirit and the essence of me. I love you.

You think he’ll like it?

Hopeful

Beautifully written piece that I had to share. Check out his blog:

A Joyful Process

I’ve seen a lot of blogs and bloggers talking about love this month. And why not…this is the month of love, right? But love covers many things, not just romance, the moon and June and swoons. Love for your fellow man or woman. Love for those that need it most. Love for our families. Love for that person you have an interest in, or are sharing or planning to share the rest of your life with.

In today’s climate, I worry about love. Sometimes I think love is on life support. With so much hate in the world, I wonder if anyone pays any attention to love. When all you hear is bad, and all you feel is sad, how is it possible to have any hope for love?

For a good while in my life, I didn’t really have any hope for love. I used to think that love was…

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Forgotten Love

A sweet promise of tomorrow. Tomorrow we will dance under the moon. Tomorrow we will laugh at the funny things we see. Tomorrow we will kiss under the bleachers like two love struck teenagers.

Tomorrow.

“Tomorrow never comes” my mama used to say.

She was right.

The moments passed. Time slipped through our fingers. We stopped and started but were never quite able to make it right.

We let it go.

Forgotten.

Until now.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air! It’s Valentine’s Day!

So, I wanted to tell you a secret…I  love sonnets. Yep, a black girl from Tennessee absolutely adores sonnets. I just like the simplicity of them. Always have. That being said, I wanted to share one with you. This is by Pablo Neruda.

 

One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII

BY PABLO NERUDA

TRANSLATED BY MARK EISNER

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose
from the earth lives dimly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Visualize Love

You know what? I want to love and be in love. That was my birthday wish for 2015. It’s only two months into the new year, but it’s February and this month is about love (at least until the 14th, LOL) and I wanted to make sure that I verbalized and visualized my wish. Yep, visualized. Love hasn’t happened so I started thinking about creating a vision board for love. But, before that I needed to be specific about the kind of love I wanted. So, here goes…

I want the kind of love that leaves no doubt. You know that kind of love where he walks in the door and sees me and his face lights up because being home with me is better than being out in the world. Why? Because I provide refuge from his journey fighting all the evil forces outside of our home. The kind of good loving where we calm each other’s weary spirit just by being in the same vicinity. Where we accept that we are not perfect, but we vow that we will never demean or belittle each other. Where we won’t call each other out our names in anger and where we will always make up before we go to bed because we know that by staying angry and sleeping with it we are inviting trouble into our home and we are not having that.

I want the kind of love where my son will feel the strength of this man’s spirit and know that his mommy is in good hands because THIS MAN loves his mommy almost as much as he does and that makes him feel safe. I want the kind of love that a strong man won’t ever deny and he would tell a woman in his office or a man on the streets that no one is better for him than me. Why? Because I am the missing puzzle he’s searched his whole life to find and he knows that we just fit.

I want the kind of love where disappointments are just that. They are not preludes to bigger blow-ups or causes for domestic violence. I want a strong and healthy man who can talk and communicate his feelings to me both good and bad and know that I will always listen. Why? Because he talks to me as an equal partner and not as a last resort. I am the first person he finds when his world seems out of balance because like I said before we calm each other’s weary spirit.

I want the kind of love that will leave me breathless when I talk about the man that God has sent my way. The man who makes me smile just because he opened his eyes. The man who knows that I love him more than I could ever say and that each time I cook for him, it is because I want to and not because he expects me too.

I want the kind of love that doesn’t hurt. You know the kind of love that they talk about in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NKJV)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I want that old fashioned love that Frankie Beverly and Luther Vandross sang about. I want the kind of love where we know each other’s love language and we make sure that we are listening and embracing the language. I want that good ole love that won’t ever fail. That’s what kind of love I’m visualizing in 2015. But, until it comes, I will continue to love, honor and respect myself. I will strive each day to be the best person I can be until the day that God sends that verbalized and visualized kind of love my way.

LOVE_sculpture_NY