You, Me and Me – The Psychosis of My Mind

I am a woman. I make mistakes. I guard my heart. I fail.

I need you to know this. I need you to understand this about me. Sometimes I get caught up in my head trying to figure out my life or situations without just existing in the moment.

I am a woman.

We do this.

When I think of all the lessons learned and time spent on situations that didn’t yield tangible results I start obsessing about the bottom line. The bottom line of my heart. I don’t want a relationship built on purely analytics, but there is something comforting in knowing that there is a risk analysis that’s been done and you and I are good.

I like that you know me. That you see me. That you create a space whereby I can be me and you still find that me…that oddly weird girl…beautiful.

I promise that I will.

I will walk this road.

Slowly.

I will trust in the process.

I will take it one day at a time.

I will breathe.

I will not try to control that which is out of my control.

That I will live in the moment.

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Broken And Wounded

I have to tell you that sometimes I don’t pray. Not that I don’t know how to pray. It’s not that. It’s that I am embarrassed because I hadn’t done it in so long. I hadn’t just had a conversation with God and meditated on His word. I was so busy being me and living life that I put God in the corner. I put the almighty in a box. – Journal entry

Sigh.

As I started writing my #wednesdaywisdom message, I re-read my journal post and realized that I was fumbling with my faith. That I was not praying like I should. Actually, I hadn’t prayed in almost a month when I wrote that journal entry. I was trying to handle my own stuff.

I bet I’m also not alone on this. I think we all get in the mindset that we can handle it on our own and that things are going well we don’t need to check-in with God because He can see us right? I became a fair weather Christian. Calling on Him only in my time of need. Making decisions without seeking God’s counsel.

You know what happened next right? Tragedy. I found myself in the worse pain of my life. My marriage had ended and I was brokenhearted and distraught at the pain I was going through. It was brutal. It was like a never-ending cycle of hell. I was so wounded by the words that were thrown around, the sides people I loved were taking and the inability to stop the noise in my head.

I was on my knees praying and crying for a peace that I felt like would never come. How could it? How could I get the peace I was praying for when I couldn’t stop the noise?

By submitting. I needed to submit. I needed to submit to the will of the situation and allow God to come in and do His will.

He did.

It was done.

I want to encourage you on this #wisdomwednesday with this message:

Psalm 147:3 (NRSV)

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.

No matter what you’re going through know that God heals the brokenhearted and will bind your wounds. Give it to God! Pray. Sometimes it will seem that you can’t hear God’s word because of the noise in your head and here’s how you can clear the noise:

Write a list of three things you’re thankful for on that day!

That’s it. It’s that simple. Make it a part of your daily prayer and meditation process. This writing your blessings and acknowledging His gratitude and grace over your life will help clear the noise out of your life. It will start to diminish the chaos in your mind and spirit. You are then able to see visually all that you have in spite of what you have going on in your spirit.

It is easy. It won’t happen overnight though. You have to keep with it. You know you “have to go through it to get to it” right? Peace will come. Your spirit will heal and your wounds will be bound. You will have a testimony once you’ve gone through the test. Just be patient my love.

Be blessed!

First Day of Spring

Galatians 6:9 (NRSV)

So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up.

Today is the first day of spring. I love spring. It is a new season that brings about rebirth. It’s cold and snowing here today, but I’m still smiling. I want you to do the same. So, let’s shrug off the winter blues and step into this season with strength and purpose. We will be resilient and victorious this season!

Here are some things that are on my agenda this spring:

  • Spring Parent/Teacher conference next week at munch’s school.
  • Spring Soccer or Football? We couldn’t get on the same team as last Spring because the age group was full on the Jets. So, we’re looking into getting on another team or playing tackle football. Munch went to practice and said he liked it. But, am I ready? No. I will keep you updated. LOL
  • Baltimore Zoo with munch and his friends in a couple of weeks. He is so excited.
  • My munch turns 7 on April 30th and I’m doing cupcakes and juice boxes at his school.
  • My munch will have his official birthday party on May 2nd.
  • I’m going home to Tennessee on May 9th for my grandmother’s mother’s day celebration. I’m bringing munch who is excited to ride on an airplane again.
  • I have a wedding in Baltimore Memorial Day weekend. I can’t wait.

So, those are my confirmed plans this spring, but I’m always busy so we will see what get’s added to my schedule. LOL! I’m looking forward to whatever God has in store for me because winter had me catching the blues and spring has me excited about possibilities. Ya’ll know I love possibilities right?

Be blessed loves!

happy-spring

It’s 2K15!

Happy New Year!

Wishing you all the best this day and all year through. Remember to leave your past behind and usher into a new day and a new year with a new attitude. Be grateful. Be consistent. Resolve to make up your rules up as you go along and live life to the fullest. You are destined for greatness and your breakthrough is on its way!

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The Day After

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it. – Lou Holtz

It’s the day after Christmas and the holiday glow is still going on. I enjoyed the day spent with my son and friends. Very low-key. Nope, I didn’t get an abundance of gifts, but an abundance of prayer and for that I’m thankful. So, nothing to return today, but in thinking about my life over the last year, there are a few items that I would like to return before 2014 is done.

Here they are:

  • The need to worry about what others do and don’t do in regards to developing our relationship throughout the year. I give too much thought over people and things that don’t need my time or attention. I want to return that worry.
  • Less control over situations. I know I can’t control everything, but I need to give up some of the reigns. So I’m giving up SOME CONTROL. LOL.
  • My lack of patience. I know that things come in due time, but I’m like a kid screaming, “When is it my turn?” I need to get a grip and be patient. I’m returning my impatience.
  • My fear of not trusting my instinct. I spend so much time asking my friends for advice instead of following my heart and trusting my own instinct. I want to return that fear.
  • My pessimistic attitude. Believe it or not, sometimes I can get really dreary with saying things like, “I knew it would turn out this way. That’s the way life goes.” More optimism please and I’m returning that pessimistic attitude because it doesn’t fit.
  • My fear of wearing clothing that accentuates my shape. I’m turning 40 and I’m embracing all the things that come with being 40 including loving the skin that I’m in. Bright clothes, different shapes, heels, make-up and more smiles is what I’m carrying into 2015. I’m returning the fear that curvy means dreary clothes.

So, that’s it loves! Some of the things that I want to return today and not carry into 2015. What about you? Anything you want to return?

Under Construction

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I recently read this great piece on Huffington Post entitled “My Stretch Marks Don’t Define Me” and I screamed “Yes”. I love the article. Mainly because the author was talking about how she loves and accepts her stretch marks and they don’t define the sum of who she is.

In the beginning, I felt that my body was still under construction. You know trying to lose the baby weight, get sleep, eat right and get back down to my pre-pregnancy size or smaller. Well that didn’t happen and six years later it is still under construction.

I lost weight my entire pregnancy and in the end I gained 15 pounds before they removed munch for medical reasons. I was sick. So, that cute mommy whose baby was eating off her fat cells the entire time she was pregnant was excited that I could actually eat normal again after delivery. However, no one told me that the pregnancy weight would redistribute. I had pockets of fat in other places.

Too weak to exercise and too tired to care about being smaller for the first 4 years of his life had me accepting my bigger figure. But, I wanted to be healthier. Make healthier choices with food. Be alive for him. I have no health issues and I wanted to keep it that way.

I made many life changes this last year and the weight and inches are coming off. My body is still under construction, but I’m not embarrassed by the imperfections. I don’t want surgery to fix the reminder of my struggle to conceive. I accept it and will work at being healthy in my own way. Naturally.

My stretch marks show the path to parenthood running from my stomach to the top of my (umm, let’s say Olivia Pope). They show the price I paid to be a parent. The white weirdly shaped lines show that I fed my son in my womb. They mark the immense pressure my body was under when I was pregnant. They remind me of the painful bursts of pain I experienced when my son sat on my sciatic nerve. They are beautiful and I love them. I accept them.

Many things about my body changed when I had a baby, but I don’t care. The only thing I’ve ever hoped for was bigger breasts and a smaller nose, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. Wasn’t in the plans. My breasts grew big enough to nourish my son and then sadly went back down to their original size after nursing was done. But, even that doesn’t matter.

Why? Because I love my body just the way it is. Yep, I’m working out (not to be skinny) to be healthy, but my stretch marks won’t disappear. My breasts won’t grow (without surgery), my stomach will always bulge (unless I do liposuction), my thighs will still have cellulite and my incision will still be seen because of my C-section.

This body is and has been under construction for the last six years and it’s okay. Because you know what? I will still accept that I’m perfect just the way I am.

One and Done

“The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.”

Jessica Lange

 

The pressure that society puts on you to have children can sometimes be stifling. I felt the pressure my first year of marriage. I was 27. Some of the things that I heard:

  • You should think about starting a family.
  • You know each day you age, your eggs die.
  • How long are you going to wait?
  • Are you trying?
  • You do want kids right?

So many questions about my reproductive rights. Dang, I had just gotten married. I would cringe when elderly women would ask me “So, why don’t you pop a couple of children out for your husband?” (Yes, this actually happened.) Really, like a chicken? I thought. Well meaning I’m sure, but to a career woman, this was not what I wanted to hear. My husband in fact wanted children the minute we got married. I made it a condition of our marriage….Not before I’m 30. He accepted.

As time moved forward and three years after my 30th birthday at the beautiful age of 33, I gave birth to Brennan. Perfect. I was elated. I felt complete. Whole even. But, a difficult pregnancy combined with a difficult birth, I thought…maybe we could do it one more time as I gazed into Brennan’s beautiful eyes. Three months later I was sitting in a hospital watching my husband hooked up to machines with words like auto immune diseases and strokes being passed around.

Scared. Overwhelmed. Alone. Those were the emotions that I went through when my life changed. That moment, changed me and my decision. No more children. I was “one and done”. It wasn’t a mutual decision. It was a personal one. Choice. Personal choice. I was supposed to take care of him and I couldn’t add another child on top of all that I had going on. Selfish, possibly, but I decided at that moment…our family was complete. We were a family of three.

Well, what do they say about the best laid plans? Yep. My marriage unraveled and we still only had one child. Now, that Brennan is 6, he constantly asks for a sibling. He has replaced the constant nagging I experienced from well-meaning folks and strangers. He wants a baby brother or sister bad. I smile and tell him, “You have 3 best friends who are all only children”. He replies, “But, mommy they are not my brothers and sisters.” I respond, “You have two god-brothers and a god-sister.” He says, “But, mommy they belong to God not me.” Dead face. I couldn’t think of anything to say. (He’s extremely smart on his toes.)

But, what do you say? Me: “Not going to happen man. You’re it. Deal with it!” However, as I’m approaching my 40th birthday I realized that my fertility is dying more each day. I’m like the elderly women except it is my own fertility that I’m wondering about. Motherhood was the defining moment in my life and I’m overwhelmingly blessed that I was able to conceive one happy and healthy child, but I wonder had I missed an opportunity to have more?

No, was my fervent reply. I’m good. Me and Brennan. Always. The gift that I was given, so let’s make it permanent right? So, I went to my OB/GYN visit for my yearly exam and announced to my doctor that I was thinking of getting my tubes tied as a birthday gift to myself. I said, “I think I’m done”. He responded, “There are a lot less invasive procedures. You’re still young and fertile. Think about something else.” Are you serious? Really? I had decided. I wanted to stomp my feet and yell “Why are you not listening to me?”

Why was this man suggesting or rather deterring me from my “one and done” motto? According to everyone and their mama, I was approaching “no man zone”. You know that zone where you’re absolutely too old to think about conceiving. I don’t think anyone in my family has ever given birth over the age of 40. What brand of crack is he smoking? Why would he even suggest an alternative to permanent sterilization?

Because he cared. Point blank and the end. My doctor wanted me to have all the options and not rush to make a rash decision just because my marriage ended and with it so did my hopes of someday giving Brennan a sibling. I have options. I have choices. My fertility is in my hands. I can be “one and done” forever or I can expand my family one day, but I’m in no rush. I have time to decide what I want to do with my own womb. Whatever my choice, I’m happy that I was able to carry this one six years ago.

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