Day 8: Perseverance

It’s Day 8 of my #23DaysofThankfulness. Today, I’m thankful for perseverance.  Perseverance is defined as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. Have you persevered in something? Did it make you stronger? Did it change you?

perseverance (noun)

steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I have. I never thought I would survive some of the things that I’ve been through, but thank God. He’s infused strength in me that I didn’t know existed. It has allowed me to persevere in spite of trials and tribulations.

I don’t give up. I won’t give up. I am a fighter. So are you. Let your strength shine through so you can keep persevering despite your circumstances.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Surviving the BS – Part 2

This is a continuation of my post yesterday

I’m tired of staying silent. I’m tired of wearing a mask hiding the pain of what I’m enduring and everyone taking sides not knowing half of the truth. It doesn’t matter. My life. My story. My pain.

God has given me great people to help support me throughout my life. I am thankful for them. For their continued prayer and support. For their strength when I forward the emails that I receive because I’m filled with such anxiety over what will be said next.

It’s October. It’s Domestic Violence Awareness month and I’m tired of protecting the person who abuses me. I will no longer allow the oppressor to continue to oppress me. I am not going to be silent. Verbal and emotional abuse are just as important as physical. Could you imagine receiving emails from someone throwing your pain of when you were a child in your face? Verbal abuse is abuse and is never justified.

Think about the allegations against Harvey Weinstein. It’s been 30 years of accusations that this man victimized many over the years. Some spoke out and some didn’t. Many victims don’t speak out. Fear. Ridicule. Humiliation. Loss of opportunities.

“He was violent toward women and men, and his abuse came in many forms — from screaming and berating to character assassination and nonconsensual advances. His behavior was both an open secret and a secret ritual.” – Violence. Threats. Begging. Harvey Weinstein’s 30-year pattern of abuse in Hollywood. – Monica Hesse and Dan Zak 

Sound familiar? But, men can be victims of sexual assault as well. We learned that when actor Terry Crews spoke out about his sexual assault. He gets it. Do you?

I am overprotective of my son. So, what? I know that 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18. The number is probably larger than that as many boys don’t report the assault. They repress the memories. Think Tyler Perry. He was abused and shared his story for the first time while I was pregnant with Munch.

I stand for all those that have been victimized and/or abused. I stand ready to add my voice to the list of people that have suffered. To speak for those that have lost their voice and to defend those that are too tired to fight. You matter. I matter.

We all matter.

I had to remind myself of that these last couple of weeks. I had to stop the tears, the nightmares and repressed memories that are seeping through from yet another trauma. I had to regain my strength, dry my tears and let you know that I’m a victim too. But, no more.

No one has a right to tell you that you don’t matter. No one has a right to harass, intimidate and bully you. No one has the right to break you down after you’ve been broken down by so many other men. No one has the right to deny you the right to live your happy ass life.

So, I’m choosing me. I want you to choose you too. I want you to let go of all the pain of the past and give it to God. I want you to find peace. Like I’m trying to do. I’m letting go. I’m allowing this battle to be fought by God. I will continue to love and raise my son as I see fit. I will no longer be a victim for anyone. Including my ex.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Domestic Violence and Silence

Do you hear that? It is the sound of a fist hitting flesh. Bam. Blood dripping off the lip of the victim. She whimpers. Most of the bruises she can hide with make-up. This is physical abuse.

Will you help her?

Did you know? That she left her ex-husband and he’s not supporting his children. He wanted her to stay at home and raise the children. She did. She left and he turned off all her cards and put all the money in the joint account in his private one. She doesn’t have money for food. This is financial abuse.

Will you help her?

Did you know that he called her “b*tch” so much that she thought that was her name? That he cussed her and put her down in front of his friends. Did you watch him make “jokes” at her expense and the painstakingly way she laughed off?  Did you know that he tells her personal and painful history to his new partner as a way to hurt her and humiliate her. This is emotional abuse. 

Will you help her?

Did you know that she endured sex so many times because he wanted it? She hated having sex with him whenever he wanted it but he told her that her body belonged to him. She died each time. This is sexual abuse. 

Will you help her?

Did you know that he sends her harassing emails putting her down and telling her “his beliefs and opinions” about her and what kind of parent she is? He talks about her negatively on social media. This is digital abuse.

Will you help her?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Did you know? Did you know that many women suffer from domestic violence that goes unreported.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together or who are dating. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. – National Domestic Violence Hotline

The CDC reports that before the age of 18 – 8.5 million women first experienced rape. I am one of those women. I am a survivor of domestic violence, as I was a victim of rape before the age of 18. I’ve also suffered emotional violence. Violence is never okay.

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Many men don’t see it as emotional violence because they feel that they aren’t physically assaulting you. That’s a myth. If you can’t control your temper and you use tactics to humiliate, embarrass or belittle your former partner, you need help. My rape isn’t my fault. My sexual assault isn’t my fault. My molestation isn’t my fault. Victim shaming is a form of humiliation and is insulting to the victim. You’ve now become a batterer.

I am a survivor and you need to know that violence is never the answer. Don’t ignore the pain of those that may need your support because your silence may kill. Help those that may be hurting.

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Do you know someone? Are you in an abusive relationship? Please get help. Call:

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Survive

I am a survivor. We are all meant to survive. The thing is that you can never give up. It is not in our nature to give up. We must keep pushing forward, no matter the situation. It’s in our blood. We survive.

Our capture.

We survived.

The slave ship.

We survived.

The auctioneer’s block.

We survived.

The heat.

We survived.

The beatings.

We survived.

The rape.

We survived.

Child bearing.

We survived.

Our children are survivors.

I am a child of a survivor.

I too have survived.

Child molestation.

I survived.

Rape.

I survived.

Sexual assault.

I survived.

Marriage.

I survived.

Divorce.

I survived.

Infidelity.

I survived.

Loss of a loved one.

I survived.

September 11th.

I survived.

The NYC blackout.

I survived.

Job loss.

I survived.

Poverty.

I survived.

Survival is in my blood. Nothing can stop that which God has destined for greatness. Trials and tribulations may come but we were meant to survive.

 

This post is inspired by the Daily Post. The word prompt was survive.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

None

She had none.

No money. No food. Nothing.

Her children were hungry.

What would they eat?

Her babies.

Her failed marriage had left her nothing.

Her ex-husband was a narcissistic abuser.

She left him. Dead of night. Two kids in tow.

With $2,000 to her name, she found a safe place for her and the children in a new town. She had no family. No friends. He made sure of that. None.

All she had was her kids. Her life. Her car. Nothing else mattered without her kids.

They lived cheaply.

She found a job. It didn’t pay much. But, it was something.

She had to make more money.

She washed her clothes out on hand in the motel room and hung them to dry.

She had an idea. She put her hair up. Put on make-up. Put on some nice clothes.

She put on some heels. Grabbed her coat and purse. Left her sleeping babies to make some money.

She walked the streets. Wishing that someone would stop and give her some money for a service. The kids would be up in a few hours and she had to feed them breakfast.

A car stopped. She asked him what he wanted. He told her “A blow job”. She told him a price “$50.” He told her that was too much. He would pay her $20.00. She could take it or leave it.

She thought about her pride for a moment. She was willing to sell her body on the streets to feed her children. Is this really what life had become? She slowly opened the door to his car and hopped in. He drove off.

She realized that she didn’t need to think about pride. She had none left.

 

This post is inspired by the Daily Post. The word prompt of the day is none

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

The Fat Tales: Respecting Your Issues

I’m a control freak! Yep, I said it. I own it. Will all the control freaks please stand up? But, I own it. I don’t deny that is one of my issues. I respect it.
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As I’m on my health journey to live and be a healthier version of myself I realized that a lot of the things that I enjoy are packed with calories. I mean isn’t that why I enjoy them? I love sauces on everything. I love pizza. I love wine. I love vodka. Calories. Alcohol has calories too.

I was having a conversation last week with a friend and was explaining to him why I am controlled about my life. I told him that I’m a social drinker, but that I’m constantly controlling and monitoring my alcohol intake because my daddy is an alcoholic.

It’s so easy to lose control with things in my life like drinking that I am trying to handle my weight loss like I handle my alcohol consumption. Controlling and monitoring my intake. Careful monitoring of what I eat is just as important as what I drink. I can do it is what I’m telling myself.

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But, it gets hard. It’s a struggle some days to want to give up the fight to be healthy. I’ve survived some pretty horrific things and sometimes the memories are so painful that when I’m going through something I am transplanted back in time. I can’t sleep. I feel restless. I feel alone. Do you understand what I’m getting at? Sometimes the pain is so rough that you just want a few moments of peace. You need to numb the pain.

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I’m always conscious of where the pain is coming from. Owning it and watching my reactions. It would be easier to just accept it and self-medicate to feel better. To reach for that bottle of wine to just have a glass and then realize you’ve just drank the entire bottle.

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Has that ever happened to you? Maybe not with alcohol, but how about with pills? I know people who need to take a pill just to sleep every night. Why? Have you tried other alternatives other than self-medicating? What is the root cause of why you need a pill to sleep every night?

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Even if that isn’t you, how about when you have surgery and they give you the “good stuff”. Some of the good stuff includes:

Yeah, I’ve had some of those powerful pills after dental surgery, regular surgery and delivery. They are controlled substances. Easy to get addicted to. They cause the pain to subside and you’re able to rest. But, they limit the amount of pills you get and the amount you can have in a time period.

I remember having my myomectomy surgery and I almost died from the pain. One small incision had me hunched over in pain. I couldn’t take it. I just wanted to sleep away the pain. Anyone know what I’m talking about? Well, I remember the label of my Vicodin said to take 1 pill every 4 to 6 hours for pain. Well, I took 1 pill every 6 hours for pain and ran out of medication in two weeks. When I tried to refill the prescription the pharmacy said it was too soon. The insurance company wouldn’t authorize payment. I was in pain. You know what I did? Explained my case and said “You gave me 30 pills and the instructions said that I could take 1 pill every 4 to 6 hours so doing the math, I should be eligible for a refill.” “Not according to your insurance company” replied the pharmacy technician. I paid for the refill out of my pocket.

Now, I was in serious pain and never got addicted to the pills, but it would have been so easy. I’ve not taken Vicodin since I gave birth almost 8 years ago. I don’t crave it. I don’t try to sneak pills from other people who’ve had surgery and don’t take their medications (I actually know people who do this). I don’t self-medicate. I’m controlled. I don’t want to be an addict.

What about something else that you could use to self-medicate? Something that is oh so delicious and available everywhere without a prescription? Food. I love good food. I crave breads, rice and pasta. There is nothing like the smell of carbohydrates. But, carbs are not my friend. I know that. I don’t use food to self-medicate but it would be so easy to do.

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That one piece of cake. That one piece of pie. What about just a taste of Butter Pecan ice cream? When you look up you’ve consumed about 4000 calories. In one meal. You feel better because you’re full, but you’ve just self-medicated and now you start to feel sad. You start to complain about your weight gain. Your clothes feel tight. You feel sad.

This is my vice…pizza.

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But, I’m trying which is why I’m on my mindful eating game. I want to recognize that I can enjoy things in moderation, but I’ve got to put in the work for it. Just like I’m mindfully controlling my personality to not crave or self-medicate the pain, I have to do the same thing with food. Make healthier choices.

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It sucks sometimes, but I want to LIVE! I have goals and that is part of respecting my issues and trying to change the things that are unhealthy. Listening to my body and respecting it. I don’t want to feel like I am not in control of my life. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. Aren’t you?051043aae497fa5143629084d6efd471d79e2f-wm

Don’t let your own issues prevent you from making a change. Self-medicating does no one any good. Trust me.  You can make a change. Own your issues, respect them and change them if necessary. Life is about inventing yourself.

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You have a choice to not stay a victim. Let’s choose survival. I promise you it is so much better.

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Emailing that Dang Death to Love Man

Okay, so here’s the deal…

You can’t treat me like I’ve stolen your puppy or run over your foot in my car. Why are you acting like I destroyed you? I told you how I felt when we last spoke and my world forever changed. Without any thought to how I feel or what I’m going through, you act like you’re hurt. Are you really going to say that you are the victim here? Do you know or even care how I feel? I told you that I needed space and time because I knew the rules of this situationship when we met. I knew. But, somehow I couldn’t stay within my lane and I caught feelings. I wasn’t trying too. I was trying to take it for what it was. Casual dating.

I told you last week that my spirit was in turmoil and that I wasn’t sleeping or eating because I knew it was time I got off this merry go round. I was a wreck this weekend and I kept breathing and saying, “I need to take this one day at a time”. One second becomes one minute which becomes one hour until I can make it through the day. I told my friends that I did the impossible and ended it with you. I told them that it hurts. They replied, “I know, but I love you and it will get easier.”

I told my family that I had fallen in love with someone who I wasn’t ready to introduce to them but we broke up. I said, “He doesn’t love me and I can’t breathe because it hurts like hell.” My sister replied for me to repeat after her “We don’t love them ho*s”. I laughed with tears in my eyes and sighed, “But, I do.” My mother told me, “Baby, I’m sorry, but I never thought I would survive your break up at 15 when you overdosed on pills and slit your wrists. Hell, I never thought you would survive it. But, you did. If you could survive that you can survive anything.” I told her, “I know I will survive. It just hurts like hell.”

Again, I wallowed in my pain and bathed in my heartache praying for peace. My plea to you to stop calling me wasn’t because I don’t want to be your friend or be in your life. It was because I don’t have the strength to stop talking to you. Because I’m weak. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to hear your voice and know that you are okay. I want to laugh about stupid stuff or whatever. It’s my problem. I know. I’m not blaming you. I just need time to get my head on straight and be able to truly be your friend without having these feelings for you. I owe it to myself to choose me first.

So, I will do what I do best and journal my pain. I wish only the best for you and know that you are in my prayers and thoughts always. Only time can heal this chasm of pain.