Motivational Monday Moment – 06.04.18

I saw this quote and wanted to share it for my Motivational Monday Moment. It says “If life can remove someone you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having.” This quote really summarizes what I’ve been feeling these last few weeks about the ending of my relationship with Mr. C.

I never imagined that I would find and have a healthy love with a man that was kind, strong and passionate that it was hard imagining my life without him. But, that is not the case. Life happens. Sometimes you stand at that fork in the road and you know that you have no choice but to go left while they go right. It is life.

There are no winners in this situation. There are those that decided to make an adult decision about their future. It is a break-up. It hurts. I couldn’t imagine not being with someone that I loved deeply and admired. Someone who gave me strength. But, it is my reality now.

I am thankful for the experiences. I am thankful for the lessons. I am thankful for it all. Because in the end of this – I’ve learned who I am and who I’m meant to be. I’m optimistic. There will be love. There will be happiness. There will be joy. It is my faith that reminds me that I am not forgotten.

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So, for all of you that that think you’ve given your heart for the last time, I want you to stand strong and know that you don’t need to think that. You need to keep your eyes on the sky and know that love will find you. You will find the person you were meant to have.

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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The Fall Back

There’s no easy way to say this. I guess I just need to do it. To get it out there. To let you know that Mr. C and I have decided to part ways.

It’s true. I mourned it. I never thought that what we were building would be over, but it is. I am thankful for the memories. I am thankful for the healthy love and I’m thankful for the friendship. I wish him well in his endeavors and I’m sure he wishes the same.

I’m spending some time alone and regrouping because I do want love and a long lasting relationship based on shared mutual beliefs and principles. Although I thought my dating chronicles were over, it apparently is not. Such is life.

I decided to share this part of my life with you because my loyal readers who’ve been following me understood the trials and drama that I had with dating. They rejoiced when I seemed to meet a nice guy and gasped when he turned out to be a f*ckboy. But, when I met and fell in love with a kind and good man they sighed with me and understood the peace that my spirit felt.

I’m still at peace. It’s a process and while I’m optimistic that love isn’t through with me yet, I wanted you to find comfort in knowing that it is never too late. It’s never to late to give your heart back to love.

I believe in love. Love believes in me. I believe that what God has for me is just for me.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

The Curious Case Of The Often Ignored Red Flag

ignored-red flags

That notorious red flag. We’ve all seen them. We’ve all ignored them, and later acted like we didn’t see a thing.

You know the role, we’ve all played it well. When we act like the person we’re dating, changed into a different person overnight—when they were the same person we discovered them to be a week into the dating process. They never changed, they were always the same. Those blinders are semi-permeable. We see what we want to see at times, to, “enjoy the ride,” or, “maybe it’s nothing.” When in fact that red flag is, everything.

Dating Is Already Difficult

While dating can be fun, the process of vetting can be exhausting. There are countless dating blogs about the misadventures of each dater, where they chronicle each experience they’ve had. So, the challenges are well documented.

So how do we still fall for the, “banana in the tailpipe?”

“The mind is the most skilled Photoshopper. It can rationalize anything and paint any picture of anyone, depending on our initial perspective. There is a psychological phenomenon known as the ‘confirmation bias,’ where we are inclined to discard all evidence that does not align with our views and only keep those that do. And with a potentially toxic person, they have worked to create a false positive impression to worm their way into your heart. So even if they do something bad or say something that’s off, you may think, ‘He’s only this way because he went through X.’ This is when ticking boxes of ‘Is he rude to the waiter?’ ‘Is he nice to his family members?’ doesn’t work. He could be all that — the sleekest toxic people are. But underlying it, if he says things like, ‘So they’ll treat us better the next time,’ or he has a mean mouth towards some people, and if you find yourself justifying his transactional mindset or meanness, then it’s time to pause and step back. Our brains work overtime to convince us of someone who’s not good for us, even when our guts know it.”

-Perpetua Neo

A Few Red Flags

Their communication is spotty…

…and inconsistent. Nothing is worse than rarely being able to reach someone. I’m not just talking about a phone call either. I”m talking about all forms of communication. Direct messenger, text message, email, smoke signal, and carrier pigeon are all unsuccessful.

This is why communication is so important. This person doesn’t necessarily have to be doing anything disrespectful or unsavory. They truly could be busy, or bad with prioritization—which is another issue (or red flag).

They love to challenge you

This is one of my pet peeves. Every-single-thing you say, or do… they have to interject, show they’re better, offer some opinion to the contrary, or confront you . This reeks of

insecurity, or an inferiority and/or superiority complex. Don’t be surprised that when you find an inferiority complex within, that there’s a superiority complex hidden beneath it. One compensates for the other.

This person cannot bear the idea of their inferiority, so they overcompensate in other areas that will test you. They feel as though they are superior (in compensation mode) when

they are actually not. An example would be… a man with a small penis would feel inferior to a well-endowed man. So he will overcompensate with an over-exuberance of oral sex. Another example would be someone who truly feels they are inferior to another race of men/women, and uses every opportunity to tear them down, so they can feel superior. This may occur when you give a compliment to someone in the race they feel superior to. These comments may come off as jokes, or back-handed, passive comments.

They want to test your boundaries constantly

This person wants to see how far they can get you.

  • You tell them you’re not ready for sex, and they still try to seduce you, or engage in sexual conversation.
  • You’re not ready for them to meet your family, or children and they make you feel bad about it with a “guilt-trip.”
  • From the beginning you told them certain days you are unavailable, and they still try to plan outings or meet-ups on those days.
  • You may not like talking about how much money you make, so they ask you, “what do you do you?”
  • They may not like your style of dress, or the way you wear your hair. Or, even the way your house is decorated. So they “low-key” offer suggestions.

Your intuition, foresight and “Spidey-Sense” kick-in

Then, your gut tells you…

  • “Nah… something ain’t right…”
  • Then you say to yourself…”he/she is cool, but I just don’t know about them…”
  • You feel this tingling in your head that says, “THIS AIN’T THE ONE!”
  • She complains a lot, but maybe she’s going through something.
  • I’m always pulling my wallet out when we spend time.
  • Why are all her photos from the neck-up?
  • They talk about themselves all the time
  • He/she is always talking about his/her ex.
  • They are a total narcissist. Always pointing the finger, always projecting.

So what do you do?

You date them anyway. When they mess up, or manage to arch your eyebrow, you justify their actions. You overlook the red flags that are presented to you on a silver platter. Later on down the road, maybe a few months or so, things go Topsy-turvy, and you’re now in reflection/hindsight mode.

My point… signs are always there. Although they are difficult to read at times, they are always there. Some people can detect red flags immediately because they literally look for them. Others do not look for them and get, “caught slipping.” Of course there are those that fall in the middle. They see the red flags, question them, and when the line is dropped in the water—they bite. Typically this is because they want it to work out so badly, you love them… or, you’ve had sex with this person, and their judgement is clouded. Even worse, they know there’s something wrong, and stay regardless out of desperation, or low self-esteem.

Choices Choices

We always have a choice. We can act on the red flag(s), or, we can can ignore them. If you choose to ignore them, be ready to reap the whirlwind. Remember, not all red flags are truly red flags. It’s best to communicate your concerns. If the person becomes defensive, that could be another red flag. Regardless, you need to voice your concerns. Never hesitate. If you do, it’s to your own detriment.

You may find out that the red flag truly was a false alarm. If you never bring it up, you will never know until it’s further down the line. Even worse, you may never find out, or you may find out when you’re in a relationship, or married to this person. Obviously this isn’t ideal.

Keep your eyes open, and happy discerning!

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Reblog: I Wish

I love the scent of you

The scent of your skin invokes memories of

Happiness

When we were happy

When we loved without thought

When we laughed without regard

When we realized that in this bitter world

It was only us

That existed

 

But our existence has ended

We live in two separate worlds

Worlds of reality and fantasy

I want reality

You want fantasy

You tell me that your fantasy is my reality

And I realize that you may be right

And I wish I could turn back time

Rewind all the memories

Erase from my mind the scent of you

Then maybe I could stop

Just stop

Hating you

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

5 Tips on How to Handle a Break-up Like an Adult

Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had our heart broken at one point or another. It hurts. You cry. You try to rationalize. You go through the steps of grieving. Hell, if you go through a divorce it’s a lot more painful.

But, I digress.

The thing is that your break-up doesn’t have to define you. You may not have the person that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, but you are still you. You are still breathing and you still matter. It’s time to reset and refocus on you.

How can you do that when you’re in so much pain? By moving forward and not looking back. By not lashing out. By not airing your dirty laundry. By staying in the positive in the midst of the pain.

Here are 5 Tips on How to Handle a Break-up Like an Adult:

  1. Unplug from social media – Mr. C and I always say how social media or rather the inappropriate use of it can cause so much havoc in relationships. Social media can be your best or worst friend so take some time away from it and unplug. If you’ve posted hundreds of photos of you and your significant other all over Instagram or Facebook, don’t start deleting them. You’re now letting everyone know that you’ve broken up. Just unplug. Take some time for you. Don’t start posting inspirational and depressing mess all over Instagram letting us know that you’re broken up. Keep it to your closest circle and stay away from social media.
  2. Don’t post revenge porn – In light of all the Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna mess I will tell you that as a grown adult (over the age of 25) you shouldn’t start posting revenge porn. The nude shots you shared with your significant other should be destroyed and not used to “get back” at your significant other. I don’t care if they cheated on you and stole your money. Keep your business to yourself and stop letting everyone see that you got played. It happens. To all of us. The last thing I want to see is your man’s penis or your woman’s vagina when I click on my Instagram feed. Save it for your safe. Refer back to #1 and just unplug from social media.
  3. Seek professional help – This is for everyone. You know that I believe in therapy right? Get some. Now is the time to use your EAP or get a referral from your health provider to discuss your issues. We all have issues. Let me repeat that for a second…WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. Deal with yours. Deal with it in a healthy way. Try the 3 C’s – cuss, cry and color. Let the professionals help you through this healing process. This is extremely important if you have children with the ex. They will forever be in your life and it’s best that you find a way to deal with them that doesn’t cost you losing your mind.
  4. Don’t lash out – Look if you are out here disregarding all this great advice I’m giving you and pulling a Rob Kardashian, don’t be surprised if people start offering their opinions on how you should handle a situation. If you had followed my #1 rule you wouldn’t be receiving a public admonishment about your childish behavior. But, you didn’t. So, if you do, why are you mad? Don’t put your business out there or people will feel the need to comment. Hell, even if you don’t put your business out there people may offer opinions about your life. But, you’re hurting and you don’t want to hear it. I get it. Don’t lash out by posting things about your ex. I don’t care if it’s true. If you didn’t go to court and make it public record why are you lashing out accusations? Breathe and get off social media now.
  5. Find a healthy outlet – Whether this be the gym, meditation, writing and/or taking a vacation. Just do it. Surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you. Allow them to love and nurture the space around you so that you’re not wallowing in the pit of despair on your own. Take a vacation with your friends and focus on putting the past behind. You now have to focus on your future, but the stress of this break-up is still fresh and real. It’s okay. It may be that way for a minute, but if you find a healthy outlet for your pain you will get through it quicker. Trust me.

This whole mess that both Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian are in is horrific. They are two grown adults who have a child together and got petty. The stuff on the internet never goes away. Even if it is a lie, you have your children seeing things that you’ve said about your ex. Stop it.

I know that you’re in a load of pain and you want to get back at your ex for some of the slimy stuff they did, but revenge is not yours. Just focus on you and keep it moving. Follow the steps and you will not be in this break-up turmoil forever. Joy comes in the morning.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Your Truth

My cousin said this was her favorite post. I was so honored. I wrote this over two years ago. I wanted to share it again.  This was a follow-up to the break-up post that I wrote about here:

Okay, so here’s the deal…

You can’t treat me like I’ve stolen your puppy or run over your foot in my car. Why are you acting like I destroyed you? I told you how I felt when we last spoke and my world forever changed. Without any thought to how I feel or what I’m going through, you act like you’re hurt. Are you really going to say that you are the victim here? Do you know or even care how I feel? I told you that I needed space and time because I knew the rules of this situationship when we met. I knew. But, somehow I couldn’t stay within my lane and I caught feelings. I wasn’t trying too. I was trying to take it for what it was. Casual dating.

I told you last week that my spirit was in turmoil and that I wasn’t sleeping or eating because I knew it was time I got off this merry go round. I was a wreck this weekend and I kept breathing and saying, “I need to take this one day at a time”. One second becomes one minute which becomes one hour until I can make it through the day. I told my friends that I did the impossible and ended it with you. I told them that it hurts. They replied, “I know, but I love you and it will get easier.”

I told my family that I had fallen in love with someone who I wasn’t ready to introduce to them but we broke up. I said, “He doesn’t love me and I can’t breathe because it hurts like hell.” My sister replied for me to repeat after her “We don’t love them ho*s”. I laughed with tears in my eyes and sighed, “But, I do.” My mother told me, “Baby, I’m sorry, but I never thought I would survive your break up at 15 when you overdosed on pills and slit your wrists. Hell, I never thought you would survive it. But, you did. If you could survive that you can survive anything.” I told her, “I know I will survive. It just hurts like hell.”

Again, I wallowed in my pain and bathed in my heartache praying for peace. My plea to you to stop calling me wasn’t because I don’t want to be your friend or be in your life. It was because I don’t have the strength to stop talking to you. Because I’m weak. I want to know how you’re doing. I want to hear your voice and know that you are okay. I want to laugh about stupid stuff or whatever. It’s my problem. I know. I’m not blaming you. I just need time to get my head on straight and be able to truly be your friend without having these feelings for you. I owe it to myself to choose me first.

So, I will do what I do best and journal my pain. I wish only the best for you and know that you are in my prayers and thoughts always. Only time can heal this chasm of pain.

 

Note: This is not about Mr. C and I. We are fine. This is from a prior relationship.

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Getting It Off My Chest

Have you ever been in a situation where you were mad as hell about something with someone you loved and you didn’t know how to talk about it? That happened with me and Mr. C this week. It’s true. We had our first real issue and I was mad as hell and ready to walk the hell away from the man who gave me butterflies and makes me feel safe.

It started on Monday when we had lunch. I was talking to him about something and his response made me feel insignificant. Like I didn’t matter. I felt like the months that we’ve spent building and creating this safe and secure relationship was all in vain. For the first time, I felt like I was the butt of the joke where I had this great relationship and then it just was all fake.

I struggled with my feelings all day and night long. I was emotional and wanted to scream. I sought advice from my friends because I needed guidance. I needed an outside opinion on what the hell happened. How do I turn back the clock and get the man that I fell in love with back?

Differing opinions on how I should handle the situation. When men advised me to leave him alone, I cried. Why are you crying they would ask? I would tell them that God told me. That God told me that Mr. C was the man that I was going to marry. I wondered if God had made a mistake.

I know it was crazy. God doesn’t make mistakes, but I was really going through it. I was wallowing in despair and looking for a life jacket. I needed rescuing bad. But, no one was helping me. No one could help me feel better.

I went to sleep that night tossing and turning and my spirit was in a place of unrest. I had a stomach ache the next morning and I was exhausted. I talked to a friend that morning and he gave me these great words of encouragement about talking to Mr. C…”It doesn’t matter if they don’t have a problem with it. You do and you should address it.”

life-after-divorce-2

Boom.

There it was.

I had a problem with how our conversation went and how I felt that we were on two different pages, hell in two different books. I had to talk to him. I couldn’t keep talking to everyone around me but him. I needed to muster up the strength and tell him how I felt even if it meant that I had to walk away in the end.

So, I called him 5 minutes before I pulled up to my office. After a minute of pleasantries I just told him that my spirit was in unrest after our conversation yesterday. I told him how I felt like he didn’t care about me. That I didn’t matter. I explained that I let him into my life no matter how messy it is or was, but how could I support him when he won’t let me in?

I went on and on for about 5 minutes straight and told him that if I told him what he had said to me that he would be pissed too. He agreed. He then said something that I wasn’t prepared to hear.

“I hear you. I don’t have a response. I need time to process.”

What the hell?

In my head I was cursing him in all kind of foreign languages that I didn’t speak. But, I’m in therapy now so I know how to pause and reflect before speaking.

Okay.

That was all I could say.

He wished me well and we got off the phone.

I didn’t know where we were ending up. Was I single again? Was this relationship a big mistake?

Calm

“Be calm” he screamed.

“You were in an accident” he said.

I didn’t know I was panicking. I couldn’t breathe. I was struggling to remember.

What happened?

I tried to look around. It hurt. My neck. My head.

My eyes scanned the scene.

I was trapped.

A car accident.

My leg is stuck. It hurts so bad.

My air bag deployed.

The windshield is shattered.

There is glass everywhere.

I can’t breathe.

What the hell is happening?

I began to panic.

To start to scream.

The pain.

It hurts so bad.

I’m bleeding. I can feel the warm blood oozing out of my side.

Why did I have to look at his text?

Why did I take my eyes off the road?

“This is too much. I need a break. Take care.” he wrote

3 short sentences.

My life shattered in 10 words.

I am alone.

I’m dying. I can’t breathe.

I’m panicking.

Then why tell me to remain calm?

 

This post was inspired by the Daily Prompt. The word was calm

Motivational Monday Moment – 12/12/16

My Motivational Monday Moment is about survival.

survival

Survival as a noun is the state or fact of continuing to live or exist in spite of your circumstances. In other words, your circumstances may be horrific, your journey may be treacherous, your path may be blocked, but you are still surviving. Survival is key to it all. You must survive it.

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I started thinking about this on Saturday when I went to the hairdressers. Remember, I told you that my hair salon is like free therapy? It really is. Well, we women were in there talking about our lives and dating.

I was speaking to a woman that I hadn’t seen in over 3 years. Last time we saw each other, I was married. Now, I’m divorced. She explained that she’s separated and divorcing her husband. She spoke about her circumstances and even though she left, she has peace of mind. I smiled.

I told her that my mom told me a long time ago that…

You can’t put a price tag on peace of mind. – my mommy

She said that she agreed. I told her that sometimes the hardest things we can do is to walk away from the things and/or people that cause us pain. She told me that her pastor’s wife had told her not to worry about the process, but to worry about the promise. God’s promise.

Whew! That was it right there!

sometimes

We spend so much time worrying about the process and not the promise that joy comes in the morning that we continue to live in a state of never ending darkness. But, when we push forth through the process and begin to shift our mindset from the process to the promise we start to remember what it says in the Bible:

Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)

For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for life;

Weeping may endure for a night,

But joy comes in the morning.

We begin to see morning as a breakthrough. We begin to push through and fight. Fight for our survival. Fight to survive the bull that we’ve endured. The pain, the heartache, the struggles are only temporary.

There is a shift in the atmosophere. Our pain becomes bearable. Trust me. I know what it is like to have a thorn in your side that doesn’t seem to move. You pray for peace.

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My prayers are simple:

Lord, give me the strength to endure.

He does.

That’s why I’m able to tell you that survival is possible. That you too can get through the process by knowing that the promise is to see you survive. God says so. He says that he knows the plans He has for you.

But, we forget.

We think that our situation is unmanageable. We can’t see a way out. It seems impossible. But, it’s not. Nothing is too impossible.

And when you survive…know that your scars serve as your testimony to someone else. Tell them how you survived. Tell them how you felt during that time. You are showing them that they can get through it too.

Be the inspiration that they need to know that survival is possible. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you will have scars, but you will survive. The scars show that you survived your situation.

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Abandoned

I told him that I had abandonment issues. That I was flawed. That I feared that a man that really loved me would abandon me. My dad did.

I felt like he did too.

Alone is where he left me to mourn. A light that had become dark slowly faded away from my heart. In that moment…I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t find the words to describe the pain but a knife repeatedly stabbing my heart could come close.

I got up and fell to the floor. The pain was unbearable. I laid there and cried. Tears of anguish. Tears of broken hopes, promises and friendship.

I was alone again.

I sobbed uncontrollably.

On the floor, in a heap, where I lay for an hour I nursed the pain you caused. I dried my tears and prayed for peace. I washed away my pain with alcohol hoping to numb the scars that were bleeding through.

I searched for relief through the hazy smoke. None came. The sun slowly set signaling the end of another day. Another loss.

Two down. Only me.

Time to stand on my feet.

Alone.