Reblog: Yep I’m Scared

I get scared sometimes. I think back to all the times I’ve hid my true self, my feelings or my insecurities in an effort to put on a brave face for everyone else and how that has somehow held me back all these years. I get scared. I am sometimes too afraid to tell someone how I feel about something because I don’t want to seem argumentative. But, if it’s how I feel, does it matter?

I’ve been exploring and self-evaluating my life a lot lately and I realized that I’m a scaredy cat. I get afraid to reveal the real me and let folks in. My friend gave me a great piece of advice last week when he said, “You can’t go through life being afraid to let folks in and keeping pieces of the real you hidden. Life is about taking the plunge and just wading through the water and see where it goes.” (It was probably less poetic because he is a man, but you get the gist right?). I do hide the real me and don’t like to let people in. I’m guarded. I’m closed off when in unfamiliar territories. Especially those that deal with the heart.

So, I wait. I try to analyze, micro-analyze every problem and situation so that I can’t see the forest for the big tree in my vision. I am a runner. I justify my running away as a part of life. It’s me. If things get to complicated or too emotional, I’m out. I don’t want to get hurt. So, I shield myself, my heart, my mind from folks who just want to get to know the real me. But, the real me is too sensitive for this world. She’s not someone use to sharing pieces of her soul.

Until now. I have bared more of my soul in the last year than I ever have. I’ve let my guard down (that 100 foot barbed wire wall around my heart) and started letting people see the real me. Nothing fancy. Just a glimpse of who I am. I had to. God said it’s time. It’s time to let the wall down and share. But, I keep dragging my feet. Slowly because I’m afraid. I don’t  want my heart to get broken. I don’t want to be uncomfortable.

But, you have to be uncomfortable to grow. I need to face my fears no matter how scared I am. I remember my pastor preaching about growing in the valley with the myrtle trees and I am reminded that life is just that. Growing in uncomfortable places and situations.

I’m terrified, but I know that I need to move forward and grow. Just grow.  Whether it’s my branches that spread to support the leaves in my life or my roots that grow deep in the ground, I need to grow. Growth is good. I’m not saying that it won’t be hard and I will continue to guard my heart, but I can’t move forward if I’m too afraid to jump.  I may get hurt, but I will learn. I will grow. I will survive.

oak-tree

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Advertisements

Hardly

“Don’t you get it? I’m not afraid of letting go. I’m afraid of accepting the fact that….he already has.” – Shahz, For the Love of Sass

Yes, I read this post yesterday from one of my fellow bloggers and was like “Yass girl! Preach!” Isn’t that the case with most of us? When we’ve loved someone and moved on and realized that they have too and that part hurts the heck out of us? Been there and done that.

It’s part of being selfish. See, I loved this man so much that I believed my spirit was bonded to his. That my heart beat for him. We were truly soul mates (you get the picture right?) in ever sense of the word. He was the peanut butter to my strawberry jam.

Love.

Lovers.

Friends.

Complicated.

We went through all those stages and it hurt like hell. Why? Because somewhere deep inside I realized that even though I loved him, left him and moved on I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that he has. I couldn’t even tell my closest friends this fundamental truth because I didn’t want them to think I was crazy as hell.

How could I love someone, know that we weren’t compatible, leave him and then get mad or be hurt at the fact that he moved on? Because I’m a woman. I’m human. I’m selfish. I know, but sometimes we’re selfish in love.

We’re better off with the way things are now. I’m happy. He seems happy and I hardly think about him.