Dating Chronicles: My Story

In anticipation of gaining 1,500 WordPress followers in the next week, I wanted to share my stories to the new ones and those that didn’t know me before I met Mr. C. I had some real issues finding love. There were too many characters and I have to tell you that on-line dating can work.

Once you give it a chance, move out of your own way and be diligent in keeping your boundaries and eliminating waste from your in box, you can find love.  As was the case with me. But, the journey to find love is sometimes a slow moving one whereby I stumbled and fell hard for a man that just wasn’t in to me. Not a bad man.

Just not the man for me. The thing is that when you wake up from your erotic haze of happiness you start to see a person for who they really are. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the best parts of you to be with a person.

When you run into a man that is not being honest or not wanting what you are giving, accept it and move on. Stop letting passion dictate your decisions. Stop playing yourself.

One of my Facebook friends, MB, posted this last month:

Dear WOMAN,
He’s going to come. The one who’s going to make you feel like everyone else was just practice. He’ll love your mind first..heart second..& your body always. He’ll prove to you trust isn’t just a word..that love isn’t just a feeling — but will you be ready? There is nothing worse than having a king on your doorstep, while your in bed with & entertaining a joker!! #realtalk#lemmeblessaWOMANrightnow #bewhatuseek

No truer words right? She spoke the truth about me and probably many of you that day and the fact that I saw it prompted me to share with you how I was doing just that. Entertaining jokers when a king was on my door step.

I hope you enjoy my 3 part series. Thank you for following me. Thank you for reading me and thank you for inspiring me. Welcome to my world!

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Auditioning for the Wife

On Saturday, I had a great service project with members of my sorority and other Greek fraternities and sororities. It was a joint effort where we went and cleaned up the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in D.C.. It was a beautiful day and over 70 people showed up.

Afterwards, a few of my sorority sisters and I went to lunch. We were talking about men and women relationships when one of my sisters said something so profound and true. She said “Sometimes, women are so desperate to marry or prove that they are marriage material that they audition for the wife role in relationships.” Boom.

There it is. That was truth and knowledge about what I’m seeing now in relationships. I’m sure it’s always been there, but now more than ever I see women doing that. Why? Why do you feel the need to audition for a role you may not even want from the man that you’re with?

I know that dating has changed over the years. Black women are now earning more than ever and find it hard navigating the dating world. We are told that we have to sacrifice or lower our standards in order to find a suitable partner. Both of which I will say “Not true.” In many instances, we find ourselves fighting over the eligible pool of available men. So, we get creative in trying to woo the one that we want. How can we let him know that he should choose me? How can I prove to him that I’m wifey material? 

I know. I’ve seen many women do it. We have to stop trying to audition for the wife role ladies. Look, there’s nothing wrong with finding a man and falling in love and wanting to show him that you’re about substance. You want him to imagine a future with you. A future full of possibilities. You want him to imagine home cooked meals, clean clothes and a clean house. You want him to see you as your partner. An equal that has his back.

I get that. But, sis you have to trust that if you are the one for him none of that matters. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can be selfish. No, on the contrary you should show him the part of you that makes him imagine a future with you because of who you are not of what you’re doing for him. You don’t have to cook and clean his house, watch his kids, or take care of him financially. How is he showing you that he’s a man?

As a woman who has been married and divorced, I will tell you that I didn’t audition for the wife role with my ex. I didn’t know how to be a wife any more than he knew how to be a husband. Did I do things for him? Yes. But, when you do too much for a man it takes away from him being allowed to be the man he’s supposed to be. A man figures out how to manage his life without you.

Can you make it better? Absolutely. But, should you do that in the dating phase? No. You haven’t even gotten a ring yet. No amount of auditioning will make him choose you. He may even choose the woman after you.

My perspective is of course different because I am in no way rushing down the altar again. Been there done that. I have a wonderful man that will wait on me and for that I am glad. But, I don’t have to audition for the wife role for him. Mr. C sees me as the woman he wants to be with and spend his life with and you know what? I didn’t do anything special.

I just got to know him and love him in the space that we created. That’s it that’s all. I didn’t have to drop it like it’s hot or cook lavish home cooked meals for him. In fact in the almost two years we’ve been dating, I’ve never cooked a meal for him.  I actually told him that I probably won’t cook a lot, but would be willing to take turns cooking. He accepts that. He knows that I encourage his spirit, pray for him, love him and just allow him to lead us. That guiding principle has allowed us to create boundaries and respect the space we’re creating.

I don’t need to audition. The role is mine. I’m just not ready to get married again. But, the thing is this…he knows what he’s getting and I know the same.

 

Do you believe that women audition to be the wife in a man’s life? Have you ever done it? What did you do to break the cycle of auditioning?

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

Acceptance

I’ve been fortunate to be accepted into some things that I’ve wanted. College, clubs and organizations, graduate school and my sorority. These were all positive things. I was accepted into a club that not everyone was or could be a part of.

But, I’ve also known what it feels like to not be accepted. I’ve gone on interviews for jobs that I didn’t get. It depressed the hell out of me. I was always the girl that gets the job. How did they not want me? I learned to accept the disappointment that came with someone being more qualified.

Acceptance of the situation.

When the doctors wanted to do a biopsy on my thyroids because they saw something, I accepted that I would have to go under the knife. I accepted that I may have cancer. I prepared myself for God’s will be done. Thankfully, it worked out in my favor, but I accepted it.

This is life. Sometimes things will work out in our favor and other times they won’t. Do you accept that some things were not meant to be? Do you look it at your life and realize that this wasn’t the path you were supposed to take at that time? Do you keep pursuing your goals or do you just give up?

Don’t ever give up on your dreams! Accept that life will throw you curve balls and fast balls and balls that you can catch, but know that you matter. That your fate is something you can control.

If you believe.

Accept that you will win some. Accept that you will lose some. Accept that in the end that if you’ve done all that you can do then you have lived.

Acceptance.

 

This post was inspired by the Daily Post. The word prompt was acceptance

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

February is Black History Month

Black History is American History. We are all part of this fabric that makes up the quilt of America. However, the story of our history has been downplayed in the history books that it is pathetic. We have to teach our children the truth. If you don’t know your history you are bound to repeat it.

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As evident as to the times right now in the U.S. I stand with everyone. I don’t play with Christianity and I don’t play with my love for this country. Which is why I have the right to criticize her when she’s wrong.

But, in the midst of all this drama that is occurring here in the U.S. I want to remind you that it’s never to early to start to teach our children about Black History. I started when Munch was 6 and learning to read. He did a report on black history and I wanted to try and fill in the blanks. Munch has an extensive school schedule but I wanted to spend time with him this month focusing on our history outside of his French and English curriculum. I want to fill in the blanks for him and allow him the opportunity to know what it means to say “I’m black and I’m proud”.

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Pride and self-love are very important in any race. I’m teaching him to love the skin he’s in. You can’t change it. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful and wanted.

So, my black history month reading list for Munch includes the following 4 books:

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What are you doing to teach your children about black history month? Do you have any suggested reading material for an 8 year old?

Why We Should Learn To Be Happy On Our Own

What a great post reminding us that we are in charge of our own happiness.

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I’ve just finished watching a hilarious movie called ‘How to Be Single’ with Rebel Wilson & Dakota Johnson. Rebel stole the show as she always does, and despite the story being light hearted and entertaining it got me thinking.

When my second serious boyfriend let me just after University, I was devastated and hit an all time low. I didn’t go out, I stopped exercising, I lost a ton of weight, I couldn’t find happiness in anything I did anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of being by myself, I hated my own company.

So I decided, to avoid being by myself, I would make myself super busy. I threw myself into my 9-5, then took on two extra jobs as a tutor and at my local radio station. My days would start at 7am and end around midnight. I would make sure all my weekends were fully booked months…

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Everything Changes

I closed the door on that relationship.

I walked out on someone that I thought cared about me. That wanted to build a future with me. That saw past my facade and wanted to know the true me.

But it was all a dream. A nightmare really. A boy pretends to love a girl and a girl falls for it. Pathetic huh?

But, I pushed forward. Determined to make him love me in spite of his resistance. Why? Because I needed love.Not necessarily his love. But, the love of a man who thought I was both beautiful and smart. A man with a career and security clearance.

No crazy stalkers. I needed security.

I changed. I became one of those women that did anything to keep a man. Sex was good. Not the best. But, not the worst. Conversations were okay. No depth. No real connection.

He had charm. He was a gentleman. He was a provider. I wanted more. He didn’t.

Our last time together was probably the best we ever had. Lots of kissing, alcohol and sex. We laughed. It had been too long.  I let my guard down and gave everything I had.

While he slept, I grabbed my clothes and sneaked out the room. I didn’t want to wake up here. With him. He didn’t deserve it. Truthfully, neither did I.

I blocked his number from my phone. I ignored his emails.  I acted as though he didn’t exist. Because he didn’t. He couldn’t.

It had been 6 months since I last laid with him. Physically, spiritually or emotionally. No contact. But, how long could I continue to ignore him? I rubbed my growing belly and sighed.

His seed was here with us. A reminder of our last night together. A girl. She angrily kicked me. I winced. She apparently wanted to know her daddy. Ugh!

I got up to go to the bathroom. My dang bladder could never hold more than eight ounces before the pregnancy and now I was just peeing every 10 minutes. Drink plenty of water they kept telling me. I did. All the time.

As I hobbled to the bathroom and sat on the toilet I felt a gush of fluid. I started to cramp. Painful cramping. Worse than my menstrual cramps. I screamed. I was bleeding. There was blood in the toilet. I kept cramping.

I grabbed a pad and put it in my panties.  I tried to wipe as much blood as possible and pulled up my panties. I went into my bedroom and grabbed my cell phone. I called 911.

I unlocked the door to the house. I sat in the wooden kitchen chair. I didn’t want to bleed on my new sofa. I waited for the ambulance. I remember hearing the sirens.

Tired. I was so tired. Someone was yelling for me to tell my name. Why are you yelling at me?

I woke up in the hospital. A tiny room. White and sterile. I felt my stomach. My baby.

I started to panic. I pushed the call button. The nurse came in. I asked Where is my baby?

She said the doctor was going to come in and talk to me. I started to cry. She begged me to calm down. She sat there rubbing my arm. The doctor came in.

I was in a daze. He said that I suffered a placenta abruption. Dangerous. Deprived the baby of oxygen. She’s premature. She weighs 4 pounds. Trying to stabilize her. He asked was there someone I could call. My husband? Any family?

I wasn’t married. I rubbed my empty ring finger. I was another statistic. I was going to raise the baby on my own. I felt alone for the first time in my life. My little girl needed me. I told him that I would make a few calls.

I asked the nurse to take a picture of my baby with my cell phone so that I can see her. Please I begged. She agreed.

I sat there wondering how I would tell him that I was pregnant and that I had a baby. What the hell do you say to someone that you haven’t talked to in months? The nurse returned and I saw her. She was so tiny. Beautiful, but tiny.

Wow! I’m a mommy. I sent him a text message that said. We have a daughter. She and I need to see you. Please come. I attached the picture of our daughter and prayed that he would show up.

 

This post is inspired by the Daily Post. The word that I selected was tiny