It’s the Mother’s Fault

I’m so tired of society blaming all the problems of the world on the backs of mothers. We are not responsible for everything that happens in this world. We create life, but as men remind us we couldn’t do so without them. So, based off that fact, wouldn’t it be fair to say that we equally share in creating and influencing our children?

I saw this post in one of my FaceBook groups and was astonished at the comments:

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Why? Aren’t both equally dangerous to the well being of a child? Children require two healthy parents to love and influence them. Mental health is often overlooked in both parents. People who should get help deny their is something wrong with them, but the statistics support that most people are suffering from some sort of depression.

I grew up without a father in my life and I disagree with his statement. It did more damage than good. My mother by no means was toxic, but him not supporting his children financially, spiritually or mentally put all the work on her and she just focused on raising us. I had a hole in my heart because my dad abandoned me.

That played itself out in the men I chose and had relationships with. Some were really good men who could see that my father’s abandonment was playing with me. They didn’t take advantage. They just loved and supported. Others did take advantage. Those were the losers that I was unfortunate enough to be linked too.

Blame shifting when it comes to our children and what is in the best interest serves no one. It only allows those that see nothing wrong with their behavior to blame someone else for them not stepping up to the plate with a knife and a fork.

Our society tends to seek to destroy instead of build up one another. The family unit is damaged and it is sickening to believe that the mental health of men promoting hate propaganda and excusing negative behaviors in men is better for our children. Both a toxic parent and an absentee parent are detrimental to the children.

We need to understad that how children are raised and the traumas they experience in childhood will carry over in their adult lives. It’s a fact. It’s not assumption. Every thing that you’re doing now could be traced back to an event that made you that way. Good, bad or indifferent your past matters. Your experiences matter. They help shape the person that you are.

Children need their parents. Both mothers and fathers. But, you have to do the work to heal yourself from the past traumas you’ve experienced or it will manifest itself in the rearing of your children. Be active, be accountable and be mentally capable of raising great individuals.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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You Probably Need Therapy

I believe in therapy. I believe that there has been a mental shift in this country in how we really deal with our issues. In fact, we don’t deal with them. We walk around wearing masks like there is absolutely nothing wrong with us.

But, it is a lie.

There are things that are wrong with you.

There is something wrong with me.

There is something wrong with you.

There is something wrong with all of us.

Let’s stop pretending.

Did you know that 44% of Americans between the ages of 18-44 suffer from depression? It’s staggering, yet imaginable. The media isn’t helping. The weather isn’t helping. Life is just overwhelming some days.

The NIMH estimates that in the United States, 16 million adults had at least one major depressive episode in 2012. That’s 6.9 percent of the population. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. It is a leading cause of disability.

That’s a lot of us that are depressed. Depression is common and many of us overlook it. I’ve suffered from depression and I’m pretty sure that if you think back to life’s events that have affected you…you probably have too. Was there a death of a loved one? Divorce? Job loss?

I’ve seen therapists many times as an adult. It was in therapy that I realized that I suffer from anxiety. I knew that I had a way of processing that was different, but I couldn’t put my fingers on it. When I explained to my closest friends about my anxiety. They sighed and said “Yep, that’s it.”

My anxiety may not be as severe as other people, but it is something that I recognize and realized that I’ve passed down to Munch. It’s difficult to find the words to encourage my baby to stop worrying about things and as my grandma used to say “borrow tomorrow’s troubles”. He is anxious. He’s 9. He shouldn’t worry.

But, he got it honestly. I worry A LOT. I’m just learning to let things go and not let them stress me out. Through friends and my absolutely fabulous therapist, I’m learning to process what I need too and disregard the rest of the noise. This is part of why I’ve been sharing my self-preservation and the power is within you posts.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m accepting that I don’t have all the answers. That I can’t figure it out all by myself. I needed help. I’m getting it.

We have to stop stigmatizing mental health issues. I know in the black community we don’t seem to believe in therapy. We believe that you can pray your way out of anything. Including mental health.

This is not true.

Prayer helps and I believe that God hears all and sees all. But, how can you hear God if you’re hearing voices because you have schizophrenia? You can’t.  It’s impossible.

Now, ya’ll know that I think all black people need three things: Jesus, wine and therapy. We have to stop labeling mental health issues as crazy and start supporting and encouraging our love ones (and ourselves) to get the help we need. It’s about time we stop promoting the strong black woman bulls*it and just promote healthy minds for a healthy you.

It’s time to take care our mental health and spirit too.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

4 Things: May 4th

It’s been a busy few weeks and I realized that there is so much that I want to tell you and so many things that I’m working on. Here are four things that I want you to know for May 4th.

  1. This morning, my ex-husband I go back to court for a temporary guardianship hearing. I have no idea what is going to happen or what the heck that even looks like, but I trust God will be in and through this situation. I serve a mighty God and he’s always looked out for Munch and I. Today will be no different. It’s also National Prayer Day so I ask that you please keep us all in your prayers.
  2. Munch’s birthday was on the 30th and I did a really small party. Small in comparison to the other birthday parties that I’ve thrown. A few children and fun at the skating rink. He loves skating and he had a blast. However, I ordered the cake from BJ’s and they messed up his cake. It was supposed to be Batman and they did Paw Patrol. He’s 9. He was hurt. The cake was free and the store manager was so apologetic. I explained to Munch that sometimes your best laid plans will fail, but the key is to wipe the tears from your eyes and keep smiling. The cake was good and that is what truly mattered.
  3. Munch’s swim class is going well and he indicated that he is interested in trying out for the swim team. I’m excited for him, but we have to work on his endurance so that he can keep up his stamina. Tryouts are in July or August, but I’m all for it. I pray that he makes it. It is expensive, but if he makes it then I will figure it out. Anything for Munch.
  4. I’m walking in the March of Dimes – March for Babies event with my sorority sisters this Saturday. This is my first time walking in an event since I did the Breast Cancer walk (not the 3 day one) over 9 years ago. Munch wasn’t even born. I’m excited to help out and I still need your help. Any amount of money you can donate will be greatly appreciated. No amount is too small. Your deduction is also tax deductible. Here’s the link:  http://www.marchforbabies.org/tikeethathomas

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

One Day

One day you will wake up from this cold world where you feel all alone and know that I am here

One day you will listen to those whispers of love and encouragement and have them not fall on deaf ears

One day you will see the beauty that your eyes hide from

One day you will hear the beat of the drum

The drum that speaks life into you

Slow and steady

It beats for you

It beckons you to come forth

It beckons you to not stay in the dark

It beckons you that you are a fighter

Feel the rhythm my sweet princess

Dance

Dance and move enjoying the beat

Move

Let the power within take control

Be encouraged

Be faithful

Morning sits on the horizon

Your breakthrough is coming

Mother, I am depressed-

What an incredible post about how people treat depression. So good. Please check it out.

Randoms by a Random

image.pngI told my mother I was depressed,
And she said- baby, it’s just the blues,
Just like every song has an ending,
This one would waltz right through.
It’s been three years- I’m still “blue”

I told my father I was depressed,
And watched the tears stream down his cheeks,
With a heart heavy with guilt, I said-
Daddy, I will make it through.
I was depressed, yet the one to show strength.

I told my friends I was depressed,
They said- girl! You just need a man;
How could I handle another human soul,
When I could barely deal with mine.
I was depressed, not in need of a man.

I told my brother I was depressed,
He asked if I was bleeding then?
He’s heard girls can go a tad bit off,
When their time of the month appeared.
I said- I’m not bleeding… He didn’t hear.

Dear…

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Graduation Advice

My niece graduated high school in June. At the tender age of 17, I still think of her as that cute little baby who loved the camera. The little one who would pose anytime you pointed a camera at her.  She is my first and only daughter. Even though I didn’t birth her, you can’t tell me she’s not mine. I’m fiercely protective of her and her spirit.

We gave her a trunk party to send her off to college last Saturday. She’s attending Frostburg State here in Maryland. We’re so super proud of the first grand child. She’s beautiful, smart and will be a cheerleader at Frostburg.

But, she has had to overcome some obstacles already.

My niece suffers from anxiety. Last year, she went through a terrible episode where we thought she was having a nervous breakdown. She seemed to be unraveling before my eyes. This beautiful little girl who I hugged and kissed and affectionately named her “Little Tikeetha” was like a fragile china doll.  I couldn’t reach her.

We banded together as a family and were strengthened in our desire to make sure that she knows that we love and support her. That we are and will always be her family. My mother, her grandmother, and her grew closer. She became grandma’s baby at that point. Her mental health was of the utmost importance. We constantly reassured her that we love her and are with her.

She is healing. She is on medication. She is better. She has the support of our family . My niece seemed to miss more school than we ever thought possible. But, she graduated. On time. With her class. She’s good. Great in fact.

You would have never known the internal struggle or challenges she suffered. She’s strong. Like her mom. Like my mom. Like my grandma. It’s in her genes.

Which is why I’m so proud that she is going away to college. Against Grandma’s advice. LOL. My mother wanted her to go to school closer, but she is going about 2 hours away and still in the state. Not too far. We’re her family so you know we will just pop up for weekend visits, love and support. That’s what we do. Support each other.

As she begins this next chapter in her life I wanted to tell her 3 things to encourage her. To motivate her and to take with her on the next part of her journey…

  1. You are more valuable than you know. You matter sweet princess. Your voice. Your spirit. Your life. All of it matters. You are an invaluable piece of the puzzle in our family. You are the best parts of us. Your weird laugh. Your gentle touch. Your sweet demeanor all remind us that we have good in us. Look at you. You are the favorite grandchild, favorite niece and the favorite cousin. There’s nothing wrong with that. My cousin, Brennan aka Boo-Bop, was that too. Never forget your value. We believe in you, but more importantly we need you to believe in yourself.
  2. There’s nothing wrong with saying no. There’s no greater strength than saying no. No to things that you don’t want to do. No to things that are suspect to you. When you go away to school remember that there is strength in saying no. You can do it. You are your own best advocate. Remember that if you don’t want to go to a party, say no. If you don’t want to drink, say no. If you don’t want to do anything, you can say no. It’s your right to say no.
  3. You are stronger than you know. I know sometimes life will seem rough and you won’t be able to make sense of the things around you. Breathe princess. Know that this trial is only temporary. You can and you will survive. Why? Because you are stronger than you know. You have the strength to make the best choices for your life. Don’t let petty arguments or situations bring you out of who you are. Speak up for yourself. If you are having issues with a friend, let them know. If you don’t understand why you received a grade on an assignment, ask the professor. There’s strength in trying to make sense of the chaos.

This journey you’re on is one that you must take alone. I know it may seem scary at times, but you must remember that we are always in your corner. You need money, call me. You need a voice to talk to. Call me. Any time. I will always be there. I will be there on your first day, homecoming weekend, parents weekend and any other time. I’m so proud Princess and I will always be your auntie.

 

Obsessing

I felt my stomach. It was still big. The baby that no longer grew in my womb had me obsessed to get my body back. I wanted to make sure that my husband still found me attractive.

“Ugh” I sighed as I looked at the excess skin around my mid-section. I had to get this weight off. I know it’s only been a week, but I need to update my Instagram page. I need to show everyone how I got my sexy back. Delivering a baby is no big deal. We can all be beautiful and fabulous after child birth.

I thought about all the women that were younger than me that just bounced back after a baby.  The celebrities in all the magazines I obsessed over. All of those women got their body’s back in no time. I wondered what was their secret. They must have a trainer and a chef. That’s what I needed.

I bounced down the steps and went in search of my husband. He would understand. He would get me what I needed. He knew I obsessed over my looks. I wanted to be perfect for him. I liked to be noticed.

I found him in the baby’s room. The baby must be downstairs with his mom I thought. Bill is such a hands on father. He would just sit in the baby’s room for hours prior to me giving birth. He was obsessed with us being parents.

I smiled. He was a great husband. I was really lucky to have him.

His back was turned away from me. I approached him slowly and said “Hi, I need a personal trainer. I need a chef. The weight is not coming off” I said loudly. He didn’t even turn around. He didn’t even look at me. “Honey, did you hear me?” I asked.

Silence.

I started getting angry at the fact that he was ignoring me. “Bill, I’m tired. I’m fat. I want to get my sexy back. I want you to find me attractive again baby. Can I please get a personal trainer and a chef?”

No response.

What the hell is wrong with Bill? Why is he not responding to me? What the hell is he looking at? 

I approached him calmly. I peered over his shoulders and saw what he was looking at.

My obituary was laying in the empty crib.

 

 

This post was part of the Daily Prompt. Today’s word was obsessed