Where Do We Go From Here?

Life never seems to work the way we plan. But, yet we still plan. Why? Because that is what we’re taught to do. Preparation is the key to success. That’s what I’ve always done…prepared.

Even in dating and relationships. I’ve prepared. Or at least tried to be. But, what happens when your preparation doesn’t yield the results you want? Ugh!

I’m writing this stream of consciousness post about where I am in my life right now. Specifically with the man that I’m dating. I’ve vowed to be open and transparent with my thoughts and with my readers.  I want you to see what I think, dream, feel and experience. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. So, here goes…

I’m still dating Mr. C and everything is cool. He’s a great guy with a great personality. But….

Isn’t there always a but? But, I feel as though we are in two different places and he’s blurring the lines. I don’t want to ever rush anyone to be where they are not supposed to be. Where they are not destined to be. I’ve been there before. I’ve had someone be where I wasn’t and vice versa. It never works out.

I want a fluid relationship. Not fairytales. Just pure fluidity whereby we both know where we are going and we get there together. No, nothing is perfect. I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for peace in my spirit. I don’t have that right now.

It hurts. It drives me crazy. I’m patient. I’m purposeful. I’m determined, but I don’t believe as women that we should wait on a man to make decisions about our future. In all honesty it probably applies to men too. Never wait for one person to decide where the relationship is going when you are ready to move forward. What if they are never ready? Did you waste your time?

Mr. C came in my life when I truly was at a low point with the male race. I was disappointed, disturbed and baffled by men. He came in and made me laugh and realize that men aren’t all that bad. How? Just by being nice. Just by being him. Respecting my decisions and respecting me as a woman. That was pretty incredible.

So, what’s the issue? It’s 8 months later and I’m wondering what’s up with us? I’m not looking to get married. Not any time soon. Let’s repeat…Nada to marriage at this point. I’m just looking for a grown folk kind of relationship where two people meet, date and decide together that they want to go on a journey as a couple. He’s not there.

Yet.

At least that is what I’ve been told. By him. Yet holds so much promise and hope, but it could also be signaling the end. Maybe his role in my life is supposed to be a minor one. A friend. A supporting actor in the stage play of my life.

Sigh.

I have no idea.

Maybe he’s supposed to be the intermediary to a man that God has designed and destined just for me. I don’t know. I’m happy we met. I’m ecstatic at the experiences and memories made. I’m thankful for the opportunity to know there are men who do what they say and mean what they say.

I’m just pulling away.

Away from this man who has the potential to break my heart by deciding that he just wants to stay friends. A man that I could fall in love with only to end up worse for the wear. A man who does relationship things and yet still friend zones me.

He’s blurring the line. Like last week when I went to hang out having dinner and drinks and didn’t call him back that night. I said I would. I called him the next morning. He was in “his feelings”. He was angered that I said I would call him back and didn’t. But, why be angry? We’re just friends. Sometimes friends don’t call back. It’s nothing personal. It’s life.

Or last night when I talked to him and he said that he wasn’t okay. I asked him why? He said it was because he wanted to know when he would see me again. I sighed. Aren’t we getting together on Saturday? He responded yes, but he wants to see me tomorrow too. My heart leaped. It skipped a beat.

I didn’t like that feeling. It was a feeling of being wanted. Being needed. Being missed. Those feelings give me the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart that we’re not ready for. We’re friends right? Stop blurring the lines.

I didn’t say it to him though. I just got off the phone. It’s a conversation that needs to be had in person. I can’t or won’t fall for another person that isn’t feeling the same way. He wants friendship? I’m going to give him friendship.

Just my friendship. I am going to explore life. Experience new things. Meet new people. I’m going to not make myself so openly available to him. Why? Because we’re not in the same place and I have to accept that. If it’s meant to be then maybe someday it will be. If not, I thank God for the man who teaches me to not take life so seriously. Who gets my quirks, sees through my insecurities and supports my dreams.

That man is the one that will always be my friend.