He asked me “What are you afraid of?”
I didn’t know how to respond. It was such an open-ended question. My mind went blank. It was like a blank canvas that he had just thrown paint on.
What was I afraid of?
There were many fears. Countless fears. Fears of snakes. Fears of walking down a dark street corner. Fears of losing my son. Fears of dreams never manifesting into anything.
I didn’t know what I was afraid of. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t answer his question. I sighed and tried to move on, but the question was rumbling in my spirit, moving in my mind and inching through my whole being. The question wanted to be answered. Needed to be answered.
So, I thought about it… what was I afraid of?
I was afraid of broken dreams. I was afraid of broken promises. I was afraid of giving my heart to someone who would continually disappoint me and try to convince me that all this disappointment is in my head. I was afraid of being with someone who would not see my bright future. Who would not see the star shining above my head demanding to be seen.
I was afraid of someone not supporting my ambition and thus not supporting me. I was afraid of sleepless nights, STDs and worrying about whether you would come home. I was afraid of someone hitting me, beating me and making me feel like I didn’t matter. As I lay crying over you with a busted lip.
I was afraid of giving my all to someone who sat there and did not know what they wanted. I was afraid of a man playing me like Monopoly trying to decide my worth based on what I had. I was afraid of someone trying to hustle me for sex by trying to make me believe that he gave a damn about who I was.
I was afraid of someone looking inside my soul and seeing all of my brokenness. Seeing all the bruises of lovers past. I was afraid of missed opportunities. I was afraid of passionate kisses. Kisses. I was afraid of your sweet and gentle kisses. I was afraid of hugs that left me comforted.
I was afraid of dinners where we discussed our dreams like a movie. You know where we plotted and planned our futures only to be told I’m not ready.
I was afraid of quality time being no time and me being fed lines and me not knowing that it was just a game. That I was being played. I was afraid.
That all the incredible moments, sweet kisses, handholding and hugs of comfort that supported me were all an illusion.
I have a list of fears.
I guess the main fear is finding out that you’re not who you say you are. That this beautiful and mind blowing bliss I’m experiencing deep in my heart and soul isn’t real. That I am nothing more than a pawn in your game of chess.
Now you know what I’m afraid of.