2017 advice dating dating chronicles relationships self-esteem

Not His Type

One of the hardest things that I ever learned to do was accept that I wasn’t someone’s type. Not the “I find nothing attractive about you” kinda man. It was the subtle “I want to date you, sleep with you and play you” kinda man. That man was the one that I couldn’t spot. I couldn’t see what his real goal was about.

I spent many years. Wasting my time trying to make him see that I was a good person. That I was a good woman. That I was who he should choose. Me. Can you believe that? I was trying to beg someone to be with me instead of realizing that I just wasn’t his type.


The thing is this…a man knows what he wants. He tells you what he wants or doesn’t want. The problem becomes that we don’t believe them. At least I didn’t. I figured that I could change his mind.

Make him love me.

It was as though his love or desire for me somehow validated that I was worthy of being loved. Yep, I was equating love/desire as the same thing and realizing that if a man didn’t have it for me that somehow I could change his mind. Make him see that I was the one for him.

When I realized that I was responsible for me and loving my own self I started to see things differently. I started to see what I was missing…I can’t make anyone love me. I’m just not his type and you know what? It’s okay.


I’m not going to be everyone’s type anymore than everyone is my type. The key is to recognize it and move on. Don’t try to force a situation. You spend time being used, lied to or played and you have no one to blame but yourself. Listen to what he’s saying. It’s okay that you’re not his type.

You need someone who could love you for you. The first time. Not as a last option.




  1. Oh, how right you are! But it takes a lot of self-love to learn this lesson, and women in general and women of color in particular (I believe) are not taught/encourage to love themselves. Although that might be changing in our society somewhat, as evidenced by the Women’s marches, the refusal to accept sexual assault on campus, etc. Learning to spot the player, and leave him alone in his own dysfunction, is a bittersweet gift. We can’t change them, and we’re better off with men who love us, just as we are.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. ❤ it I've experience it myself before but the true blessing, at the end of the day. He was not my type. I tried to put him in a role in my life that was never intended by God. When we are over 40 sometimes we get desperate but if we just hold out and believe that God wants the very best for his daughter. The right man will eventually come along, when we least expect it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Excellent post. I had to learn this lesson way too late, am glad I didn’t waste all my youth not knowing this. Now I can try again. Loved this post ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. How happy I am that I am not dating, but still happily married. Still, when I was younger I struggled with this very concept. When I married my husband he was not in love with me and I knew it. But, I wanted his love so bad I refused to listen to my mind and married him anyway. I suffered years of heartache. When I finally had the courage to leave him, his heart changed. Now, he loves me fully and dearly. I’m glad I came back, although if I had to live it over -I wouldn’t. It was to hard and very painful.


  5. There are those that are more straightforward about their intentions, but there are also those who try to “romance” you into what they want. Like you said, it starts with YOU knowing where you stand and not needing anyone else to validate your worth.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can accept when I’m not someone’s type but the lesson that I honestly can’t seem to learn is how to accept that what could have been great is just not meant to be.

    I mean they say when you love something you must set it free but when it always seems to find its way back to you, how do you accept the day it just doesn’t want to return?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. By just moving forward. I’ve been there. My first love. I believed that we were perfect together. We always found our way back to each other and the chemistry was out of this world. We just fit. But, one day he didn’t return and I had to let go. Mourn it like a death and move forward. It took time.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. We beat ourselves as women for not trying hard enough or trying too hard. I’ve done it myself. You were right to walk away. Love should stretch you as a person not stress you. You are right, we should believe people when they show us who they are.

    Liked by 1 person

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