I Hate You So Much Right Now

Remember that great song by Kelis – Caught Out There? Aww, it was a great song to show the rage of women after being lied on or cheated on by their significant others. It was an anthem for women. You don’t have to take it. She screamed. She destroyed stuff. She showed her emotions. Haven’t we all been there before?

But, that’s not what this post is about. LOL. It isn’t about hate. It is about you. Choosing you. Choosing to forgive and choosing to create your life with boundaries.

See, a few weeks ago a friend and I were having a conversation about forgiveness. He said to me that if I forgive someone then I should be willing to share my personal space with them. I laughed. I explained that forgiveness is for self and not for the other person.

If someone commits an egregious act towards you or does something that just doesn’t sit well in your spirit, you have the right to protect yourself. Your first obligation is to you. It is and will always be. Think about when you fly and they tell you that if you are flying with children and the oxygen masks deploy you should put your own mask on first and then secure the child’s. You’re no help to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself.

Some of you may be asking, what are personal boundaries? I searched and found the perfect definition from Z. Hereford in the article Healthy Personal Boundaries and How to Establish Them

“Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others.”

Sounds simple right? It is. I know that you may think that it is hard to really do, but trust me when you choose yourself first that it really makes it easy to not allow your personal boundaries to be crossed. Setting boundaries allows you to no longer be a victim. You become the leader of your own life. You become responsible for your own happiness.

I have to be honest. Setting personal boundaries was not a lesson that I learned early on. I learned to establish boundaries at 41. Can you believe it? I don’t want you to wait. I don’t want Munch to wait. You have to choose you.

I started to choose me first. I started to realize that I would not allow someone else’s feelings or thoughts about me impact my life. I choose to re-evaluate my life and relationships to remove toxic people. I chose to live my life on my own terms without giving a care as to who felt otherwise or didn’t like it.

I chose me.

It can seem overwhelming when you create boundaries and try to enforce them, but you need to remember that it is part of your personal responsibility. To yourself. No one can make you happy but YOU. So, the power lies within.

You have to take responsibility for how people treat you. You have to know that if you continue to allow disrespect and you don’t want it then it really is your fault. Stop letting people tell you that you have to have a relationship with someone that mistreats you because they are a relative or you are connected through children. You don’t. You just live your life choosing you first.

Forgiveness for me honestly means that I don’t dwell on the negativity, pain and hurt you caused. It means that I remove you from my life with little to no contact. I don’t allow you the opportunity to hear my voice or be in my presence. I set the tone. I set the rules.

Trust me when I tell you that this is the most freeing way to live. I actually dated men that I allowed to walk all over my boundaries and then justified their behavior and rezoned my boundaries. Yep, I was crazy. Why would I ever allow someone that kind of power in my life?

Because I subscribed to the belief that I had to be this ever forgiving doormat for others to walk on. I believed that otherwise people would think I wasn’t nice. I was trying to live up to an image others expected. Now…I don’t.

I live for me. My life. My choices. I forgive. I keep my boundaries firm. I choose me. You need to do the same.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Welcome February

It’s the second month in 2018. Where are you with your goals? What have you accomplished? What have you tried and just realized that you need to revamp? It’s never to late to start making goals.

Here are my goals for the month of February:

  • Volunteer at a fair
  • Submit pitch to Huffington Post
  • Plan out 2-3 blog posts a week
  • Plan out 2-3 meals a week
  • Get moderate exercise at least 3 days a week

Short and sweet I only have 5 goals this month. Here’s to hoping that I can accomplish what I have planned to do and even if I don’t here’s to trying to get organized. There’s no shame in trying.

I did something that I kept saying I was going to do for some time now. I bought a Kuerig for my desk. I love coffee and had bought K-pods because someone had brought in their Kuerig for the office to use. They took it home and it never returned. I still had k-pods and was spending money on coffee every day at Dunkin Donuts. I am now making my own coffee at work. It’s a mini so it will sit on my desk. I’m happy.

Don’t take yesterday’s problems into February and focus on having a great month. I’m wishing you nothing but love, peace and an awesome February. I know it is also Valentine’s Day, but don’t get depressed if you don’t have someone. Love you first. Self-love is critical. Do what works for you eat candy, buy your own flowers and just love on you. It’s not about having someone. It’s about having and loving on the person looking back in the mirror.

You.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

A Force to Be Reckoned With

It’s a new year. It’s time for a new you. Not literally a new you, but you must revamp and revise who you are for 2018. You’ve got to have gone through some things that have enlightened you in 2017. What did you learn? Can you now take that lesson learned and apply it in 2018?

I’m setting some basic goals for me with regards to this year. I want more experiences, to create more memories, to take more photos and to grow both personally and professionally. I am grabbing the bulls by the horn and proclaiming that 2018 will be my year. The year that I will own my voice.

We all have a voice. I have a voice. You have a voice. You must be a force to be reckoned with. It’s time to get serious about you. The real you. The you that cries at stupid commercials. The you that actually loves romantic comedies. The you who realized that you made a mistake by ending the relationship with the last person you dated.

that’s the you that it’s time to reckon with. It’s okay to have made mistakes, we’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t. But, you can’t stay buried in the pain or in the poison of your misfortune. Own it and move forward. There’s no right or wrong way to live your life. You just have to be determined and unmovable in your goals and desires to elevate yourself. Get off your butt and put one foot in front of the other. Whether physically, emotionally or spiritually it is time to move.

Be courageous. Be determined. Be you.

Be blessed loves!

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY MOMENT – 4/24/2017

It’s the last Monday of April and the last Motivational Monday Moment of the month. Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is about being yourself. Love the real you. All the flaws and imperfections.  This is something that I used to struggle with a lot. I didn’t want to show my true self to anyone. Yes, I’m kind hearted. Yes, I’m a great friend. Yes, I am a lover of humanity, but I’m also afraid of being hurt. So, I hide my true self. I hide my flaws and imperfections.

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It’s something I’m learning to stop doing. I’m learning to be just me. I can be a brat. I can be emotional. I can be sensitive. I can be a mess sometimes. I own it. I’m no longer afraid to admit it. Last week, I got mad at Mr. C over something he said and I told him that he was being both arrogant and dismissive. He paused and said “Arrogant?” He explained his reaction and apologized, but he didn’t think he was being arrogant. I disagreed.

I wanted to get off the phone. My feelings were hurt. He was cool with it. An hour goes by and I see a funny meme on Facebook. I share it with him. He doesn’t respond. I call him. No answer. I send him a text “So, you’re ignoring me?”

LOL, yep I can be bratty. He called right back to say that he wasn’t ignoring me. He just walked back in the room after spending time with his son. He said he realized that my feelings were hurt and respected that. He let me have my moment. I didn’t want to go to bed with hurt feelings or animosity in my spirit. I wanted to let him know that. He knew.

He puts things in a box and pushes them off the cliff. He doesn’t hold on to things. He’s totally different from me on that end. I’m learning. So, I told him that I know that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and I wanted us to work it out before I close my eyes. I didn’t want anything to disrupt my sleep.

He laughed that beautiful laugh and I realized that I’m happy and blessed. Why? Because I found someone that loves the imperfect me. The person who can get on his nerves or get in her feelings and he be man enough to give me space and still make me feel as though I am the most important person in this world.

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I’ve never been my authentic self with anyone outside of my two best friends. I was always afraid to let people in. Let people get to know the unguarded me.  It’s been an interesting experience because I’m learning to allow people in and have them love the imperfections of me. The entire me.

So, this Motivational Monday Moment is about letting your light shine. Let your light shine on all your imperfections and flaws and own them. Don’t hide behind your insecurities and know that it’s okay to be flawed. You’re perfect just the way that you are. Love the person looking back in the mirror.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

 

Not His Type

One of the hardest things that I ever learned to do was accept that I wasn’t someone’s type. Not the “I find nothing attractive about you” kinda man. It was the subtle “I want to date you, sleep with you and play you” kinda man. That man was the one that I couldn’t spot. I couldn’t see what his real goal was about.

I spent many years. Wasting my time trying to make him see that I was a good person. That I was a good woman. That I was who he should choose. Me. Can you believe that? I was trying to beg someone to be with me instead of realizing that I just wasn’t his type.

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The thing is this…a man knows what he wants. He tells you what he wants or doesn’t want. The problem becomes that we don’t believe them. At least I didn’t. I figured that I could change his mind.

Make him love me.

It was as though his love or desire for me somehow validated that I was worthy of being loved. Yep, I was equating love/desire as the same thing and realizing that if a man didn’t have it for me that somehow I could change his mind. Make him see that I was the one for him.

When I realized that I was responsible for me and loving my own self I started to see things differently. I started to see what I was missing…I can’t make anyone love me. I’m just not his type and you know what? It’s okay.

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I’m not going to be everyone’s type anymore than everyone is my type. The key is to recognize it and move on. Don’t try to force a situation. You spend time being used, lied to or played and you have no one to blame but yourself. Listen to what he’s saying. It’s okay that you’re not his type.

You need someone who could love you for you. The first time. Not as a last option.

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The Masks We Wear – Part 2

This post is a continuation from yesterday’s post.

I was failing in my marriage. I was doing it all and creating an illusion that women who are married are supposed to do it all. Why? Because that is what I thought. That is what my other girlfriends were doing. I didn’t know.

I began to do everything I could think of to benefit my marriage. Thinking that if I pleased him then I would make him happy. But at what cost?  I was dying inside. Slowly. No one knew. I was enduring the “fakeness” of my perfect life.

Let me give you an example…

Every year I would send beautiful custom Christmas cards to family and friends. One year I had been working exceptionally long hours. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to send Christmas cards that year. I didn’t have the time. I literally signed each card. I told my husband that I didn’t want to send the cards and he said okay.

He comes back on December 20th saying “I think we should send Christmas cards this year. I mean we’re getting a lot and I think it would be nice.” I sighed. I got on-line and ordered the cards. I paid a crap load of money in shipping and got the cards out. I know you may be asking “Why?”

It was simple…he asked me too. I looked at it as though it was my responsibility as his wife to do what he’s asking. He didn’t ask for much. Why couldn’t I do it? In retrospect, I should have definitely said no. I should have explained the reasons and informed him that he was able to do it. But again…I was wearing a mask.

This mask wearing became one of the hardest things that I had to do. But, I took it off at the moment that I knew I didn’t want to be married anymore. He didn’t know me. I didn’t know him. I can’t blame him for everything because I created an image that wasn’t me and I was asking him to accept and love that person.

The next couple of years were about my self discovery. Loving and living in my new identity. The true me. I still wore a mask. Not in relationships. At work (most people do) and at professional gatherings only. I began to date with a clear understanding of who I am and what I want.

What did I find? Someone who could see me. Someone who could truly see when I left that mask on from work and tell me to take it off. Someone who could tell by the glint in my eyes that I was really excited about something or by the change in the tone in my voice if I was bothered by something.

I wanted someone who could see the real me. The me with the mask off and see all the imperfections and flaws and love that woman. I wanted to be loved for my yes and my no’s. My good days and my bad days and all the days in between. I no longer wanted to try and be perfect.

I just wanted to be better. And you know what? I am.

What Does Love Look Like to You?

I asked that question to Mr. C the other night after I read this great post on FaceBook the other night:

I asked him what does love look like to him. He told me his response and then he asked me the question. What does love look like to you? I explained that love to me was about self-love first. I told him how when I was married I didn’t really love myself the way that I should. I wasn’t “whole”. I was looking for my ex-husband to love me. I was trying to get him to fill the missing pieces. But, in reality I was setting him up for failure. Why?

No one can love you more than you love yourself. If you lack self-love, no matter how wonderful a person is you will never feel complete. You will always feel as though you are missing something. You won’t feel like the whole person you should be before you venture into love.

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Me? I was missing the ability to recognize, own and deal with my own issues. I was pushing those issues in my overfilled closet of my mind and trying to keep them stuffed in there. It wasn’t fair to him. It definitely wasn’t fair to me.

If we’re being honest though, I did tell him that I had three eighteen wheeleer’s worth of baggage and asked him was he sure that he wanted to get involved and marry someone like me. He said yes. I guess we were both gullible.

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Which led us to the path of divorce. But, I want to stress the importance of loving ourselves. Loving ourselves past the pain of our past. I didn’t. I didn’t forgive myself for past pains. I held onto it like a blanket of comfort when all it was doing was smothering me. I let my poor choices snowfall into making poorer choices which resulted into me feeling unfulfilled in my marriage.

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Not truly loving yourself allows you to allow foolish men to enter your life. Not every man that I encountered was foolish. Many just made poor choices that I just went along with because I was being that “ride or die” woman. What the what?

We are meant to be partners. We are not meant to be disposable pieces for a man. The loyalty, respect, trust and promises should be automatic. We should never take each other for granted and we should ride or die for each other.

If you are the only one riding or dying for your relationship then it is one sided. You feel as though you are always missing something. You feel like you’re not whole. Your mind, body and spirit are not in alignment. You are struggling. I know. I’ve been there.

I was literally struggling to find my identity. Who was I? What was the problem with me? Why did I allow people in my life who were not worthy or deserving? Why can’t I resolve my issues.

Relationships are fluid. They go where they are supposed to when you realize that the amount of love you have for yourself will never allow you to settle. Love you first. 

I learned that. I love me now more than I ever thought possible. I got over the pain (with Jesus, wine and therapy) and truly understand what it means to be happy and healthy. I don’t look for other people to validate my existence. I don’t waste my time (which is valuable) on men that won’t share their time freely with me. I exist in this space where my first goal is to love myself first. That allows me to receive love and in turn be open to loving again. That’s what love looks like to me.