In last week’s post entitled Is He My Type? I discussed how you had to figure out who you are and what personality and love languages you had in order to figure out whether or not you are dating people that you are compatible with. Have you taken the test? Done the research? What happens next?
I’m ready – Now What?
Date and date some more. I’m a big proponent of dating multiple people at one time. I dated about three other men while dating Mr. C. Dating. Not sexing. I think it is important that you really get to know yourself and know what you like. Just like in a job interview process, Mr. C was the top candidate. He had transparency, values, goals and things that made him stand out. He also knew his love language. That was a big deal for me. He actually believed in that process.
Once you find the person that you want to date more than others, really spend time evaluating them. This is part of the getting to know you phase. Ask questions. Lots of questions. If something they say doesn’t put you in a good place, ask them to clarify. You need to find out the essence of who they are before you move to the bedroom and before going to the next level.
Have the conversation about whether or not you’re going to date exclusively. This is a conversation requirement. I was dating Mr. C exclusively about month 6 and I wanted to know what’s next? Did he want to date me exclusively or was he still openly dating other people. These are questions that you need to ask your partner. Mr. C stated up front that he only dates one woman at a time because he can’t afford to date multiple women and provide for his child. I liked that answer.
If they don’t want to move to the next level and be exclusive, it is up to you to decide if you want to continue to stay in this situation. Do you see the benefits of continuing to date the person or do you want to scrap them or keep dating other people? You have a choice to make. Always remember that you don’t have to stay in a situation that you don’t feel will benefit you.
It took Mr. C and I almost a year to be in a relationship. It was part of the process. You don’t know everything about everyone and it takes time to get to know people. We’ve been in a relationship for the last 18 months and dating in total 2 1/2 years. We’re still learning things about each other. I’ve learned that he is consistent. I like that. I trust that.
I can always depend on him to call me the next day no matter if I’m upset with him or not. He ignores, loves and continues to be the same man that he was the day before. He knows that sometimes I will be frustrated with him and get off the phone, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him, but it means I need time. He gives me that.
I want you to recognize that if your end game is marriage there are steps that you need to take in order to get where you want to go. It means that you need to know who you are, what you want, what you need and what you’re willing to accept. You have choices. Don’t limit yourself or settle for less than what you want.
I just watched this video last week and it moved me so much because I think it applies to many of us with our own goals, visions and in dating and your relationships. Check out Pastor Gray on the Sister Circle. I hope it blesses you:
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A Thomas Point of View 
Great post Tikeetha (as always)
Your timeline with Mr. C is your timeline… you went about the process the best way you could in a way that it was comfortable for the both of you. He was in agreement, and so were you. During that time, you two communicated and learned a lot about each other. This is something a lot of daters don’t do. They get caught up in the romance… women want to be romanced instead of educated on the man in front of them. A lot of men want to sex and play, vs laying a foundation that a woman can walk on. Mr. C did that for you. One way was consistency.
Each person should follow their own path and do what works for them, but you lay a great template out for people to use if they’re lost and confused about dating (or courtship).
Now… the video… I saw it before, and I like the Pastor… (love his energy). Don’t agree with what he said … entirely. He said “you’re the one who carries all the cards….you’re the one with the value” I disagree here. He’s devaluing men here and our purpose in a woman’s life. I felt like he was catering to the women on the panel.
I do see his point, and agree that a man should have a vision… a mission. He should lay a foundation for his woman to walk on. Not necessarily a house, car and all that stuff. But emotional, mental, and spiritual security.
I also don’t agree with the fact that he said that a man should be “The person who needs you, should come running after you.” First off, we need each other. That’s the message he should be pushing. Unity. Not chasing, or running after. He should talk more about how to pull people together, instead of telling women men should be running after them because they hold the value men want. Men hold value as well, equally as much as women. We balance each other. Run towards each other, not one coming after the other.
Women are not damsels in distress. You have to be intentional just like the man. I do believe a man should lay out his vision for the relationship… because he’s the leader… but the woman must engage him, and help him with said vision. They need to do it together. Throughout the process, and throughout marriage (if that’s your goal).
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I see your point. But the reality is that the cards have changed Jay. Women are running behind men and that is not the natural order. I’m not saying that we should play so hard to get we are running a man ragged, but we should know our worth and stop making it so easy for me that have no shared interests in being with you for the long-term. I also think we are taking it so literally that we don’t see that if a man finds a woman that he wants he will pursue her, let her know he’s interested, share his vision and mission and they will decide together to take this journey. I don’t think he’s trying to devalue men but if a man is supposed to lead then his actions should be reflective of a leader and his woman should be supportive of that knowing that she’s his rib. What we have today is so many people playing games of convenience and no leaders. As much as I’m a Alpha Female and Mr. C a Beta Male he leads our relationship but I have input. We are a team. A man finds the person he wants to play with.
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Yeah… I can agree with this. Especially the part about women chasing behind men. I won’t say it’s out of order, because there’s no order at all. hence the amount of broken people out here. Men shouldn’t be chasing women either…. that’s truly been the narrative over the years that has been accepted. I’ve never believed in it, and I believe it does devalue men and our true value in the partnership. The pastor you posted about a day or so ago said…”women are the value.” What?? Dude you’re a man… we are valuable just as much. We should pour into each other. Equal investment, equal risk. I call, you call. I text, you text. I plan and prepare dates, you come up with some ideas and plan too! Men are changing (as women have) and we are no longer accepting the “chase down” I believe we (as men) do need to be intentional with our efforts, and show the woman we want that we want HER! Lead the way, and she should compliment by showing she’s invested. How that translates to empirical data and feelings appreciated? That’s based on the couple.
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