Motivational Monday Moment – 2/20/17

My Motivational Monday Moment is about protecting your heart. This came to me as I was talking to my therapist last week about cutting people out of my life. I explained to her how I decided that I’m done with a couple of people and that I’ve blocked them from my phone and released them from my heart.

She asked me why I don’t tell them why I’m ending the relationship. I told her that I didn’t need too. I told her that people know what they do when they blow up at you or disrespect you via email or text. They are not stupid. If I go and tell them what they did and they start that disrespect again then I’m working myself up over their own issues and I’m stressed. Not going to happen.

I told her that when I let you go I release you from my heart so there is no need for me to have closure. I move on and move forward. I harbor no ill will or feelings. She said “Okay, as long as it doesn’t affect you.”

I was telling Mr. C what we talked about and I asked him his thoughts. He said he understood what I was saying. I asked him “If I stopped speaking to you tomorrow, would you know why?” He said “Yes”.

Boom.

There it is.

People know when they display toxic behaviors in relationships and why they are no longer welcome in healthy relationships. I believe that by giving you another opportunity to disrespect me is allowing you one more time to stress me out. Not going to do it. That’s what therapy is for.

However, the words of my therapist played in my head all day. Is it possible that I need to give closure? Is there a proper way of ending relationships? Ugh!

The next morning I got up and read my devotional and it spoke of Proverbs 4:20-23:

Proverbs 4:20-23 (NRSV)

20 My child, be attentive to my words;
    incline your ear to my sayings.
21 Do not let them escape from your sight;
    keep them within your heart.
22 For they are life to those who find them,
    and healing to all their flesh.
23 Keep your heart with all vigilance,
    for from it flow the springs of life.

The writer was telling me that it is important to guard your heart. It is the very essence of who you are. This was my confirmation that I didn’t need to give closure to people via email or text or verbally after they unload on me. I was protecting my heart.

The thing we need to remember is that when we allow people into our lives that sometimes their purpose is for a reason or season. We can’t allow people to bring toxicity into our lives and be able to protect our heart from that. We can’t. Eventually that will spread into our lives.

By releasing people from any obligation to continue in this relationship, I am protecting my heart. I’m doing what’s best for me. I don’t harbor any ill will or bitterness. Things end. I wish people the best as they move forward. Without me.

I encourage you today to protect your heart. Do not allow negative thoughts to set up shop in your heart. Release people from any obligation to stay in your life and free yourself from toxic things. Your heart matters. You matter.

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The Third Love

Let me tell you about the types of men I’ve loved. Some good. Some bad. Was it all there fault? Nope. In many cases, I didn’t know who I was so they could never love me the way that I needed to be loved.

I didn’t know me.

I didn’t love me.

I couldn’t love them the way that they deserved to be loved.

Love was a concept to big to put in words and yet I desired it so much. I believed in it. I craved it. I wanted love and I needed to be loved.

Don’t most people?

What happens when you wake up and realize that you keep falling in love with the wrong type of people? What happens if that love abuses you or leaves you so messed up that you can’t fathom the pain of ever giving of yourself so completely? You sigh. You withdraw. You start to believe that you will never know love. True love.

That’s how I felt. I kept falling in love with the same kind of men. Until Mr. C. He was different. I couldn’t explain it. For the first time. I felt safe. I felt wanted. I felt loved. It was easy. It felt natural. It was healthy.

I was in shock. I was surprised. I was scared. I didn’t believe that a love without cursing or yelling, cheating or hitting was possible. We women are taught that no one is perfect and that we must fight for love. That love was hard.

However, that’s not true. I read this great article called  We Only Fall in Love with Three People in Our Lifetime – Each One for a Specific Reason by Kate Rose while perusing Facebook about a month ago. Man, this article was the truth.

This article had a profound effect because it basically summarized my  life story. I wasn’t alone. It basically said that we fall in love with three people in our lifetime:

  • Idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.
  • Hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved.
  • Third love  – the one we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.

I’ve had 5 idealistic loves. I’m not sure if they knew it. We just existed in this space between fantasy and reality and planned lives we would never have and futures that wouldn’t be. We believed in fairy tales. These loves occurred between high school and college.

I’ve had 2 hard loves. These loves were painful. They were loves that I tried to fit. Loves that I wanted to mold and manipulate into the greatest love ever to be. But, they couldn’t. They weren’t designed to be my forever love. They were designed to teach me about myself. I was hurt. I was broken. They shaped my belief that this can’t be real. This can’t be the love that God has for me.

And then there was three. The third love from the third type of person. The love that just works. That’s the best type of love. I know because I have it. For the first time in my life.

You can too. We just have to get out of our own way and love ourselves enough to heal from love #2 to get to the third love.  We can’t let number #2 have all the power over how our lives turn out. We have to move past the pain,the anger, the resentment, the failure – all of it. Once we do, we allow ourselves to know and appreciate a safe and easy love.

A Review of 2016 Goals

I started this year with many goals. I narrowed them down in March when I realized that my life needed to have order. I wanted to write things down to ensure that I never lost sight of the fact of what I was working towards.

So, I ended up with 8 goals that I wanted to accomplish in 3 years. My therapist laughed and said it’s supposed to be 3 goals in 3 years or 10 in 5 years. What can I say? I’m an overachiever. Here’s where I stand.

  • Pay off debt (car loan, student loans, credit cards)
  • Save (emergency fund, savings and retirement)
  • Buy a house
  • Pledge a sorority
  • Get a better job
  • Go to graduate school
  • Join my undergraduate alumni association
  • Find love

 

  1. Pay off debt (car loan, student loans, credit cards). Well, I’m not where I want to be, but realistically speaking it’s only been about 7 months. I’ve paid off some credit cards and I’m trying to reduce my debt. This is a work in progress.
  2. Save. I’ve been saving. Not much, but I now have a savings. I’m making progress. I have a long way to go, but I’m learning.
  3. Buy a house. This is a definitely my end goal. Preparation is the key. Still working on this one and it will stay my goal.
  4. Pledge a sorority. Yep, it was my dream to be a part of sorority life in college, but it never happened and God granted me the opportunity to be a member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated. It was a  process and I’m thankful that I persevered through the process. I have 5 other women that were part of the process with me and a whole lot of new sorority sisters.
  5. Get a better job. Yes! God allowed me to get a new job in June where I’m in management. I have my own team of 5. I just extended an offer to my new person and we are waiting for him to start in a couple of weeks. I love my job and I’m thankful for the opportunity.
  6. Go to graduate school. I still want to do this. I hope to be able to attend grad school in the fall of 2017, but this is so exciting for me. All while working full-time, writing this book and raising Munch.
  7. Join my undergraduate alumni association.  Yes, I did that. I haven’t attended any events yet because of my hectic schedule, but now that things are slowing down I’m excited and will be getting involved and bringing Munch along so he can witness my Terp pride and understand that others should Fear the Turtle!
  8. Find love. Woohoo! Won’t HE do it ya’ll? I have been blessed to have a relationship with an incredible man who supports and encourages the heck out of me. He loves me! Yep and I love him. I’m excited that God allowed him to come into my life and just love me in a good old fashioned and healthy way.

So, that’s it folks. As you can see, I’m whittling through my goals which I will carry forward into 2017. I’ll keep sharing them with you. What goals have you created for 2017?

How Do You Define a Good Woman?

Growing up, I’ve always known about the Proverbs woman. She was thought of as a mysterious and unattainable goal. She was without a doubt perfect. But, we mere women could never be perfect. Even with all our achievements and our humble hearts we could never really be a Proverbs woman right?

In my posts about dating and men this week I asked the question of what is a good man. I wanted to be able to define what I think are some key characteristics of good men. I asked my male friends on Facebook to define what a good man is to them. They did and I was challenged by another blogger, Davina over at Davina Lyons to do the same with women.

I did.

Crickets.

Women didn’t respond. Now, I don’t know if it was because they didn’t see the post appear in their timeline or the fact that they didn’t want to answer and face ridicule, but I thought that I would try to define for both men and women some key characteristics of a good woman.

Let’s start with the ideal woman by many standards. The Proverbs woman. The Bible defines what a good wife should be in the book of Proverbs. That is why we call it the Proverbs woman. For sake of time, I will just tell you that she is perfect. We, mere women are not perfect. But, I want to break down some of her characteristics for you.

Proverbs 31:10-12 (NRSV)

A capable wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

Although the Proverbs woman is the wife, we are going to look at dating as a process of finding a wife to marry. So, in essence the woman that you are dating should have some key characteristics. She should be someone that you could see yourself marrying.

In the passage above she is defined as capable. Capable would be that she is skilled and competent. Let’s apply these in modern terms. She should have a job. Whether her job is to take care of the children or the home or go to work she is by all means capable to do something to make a man’s life easier. She is his partner.

“She is far more precious than jewels.” That means that her worth is more than jewels. The Hope Diamond, Bugatti or Warren Buffett’s billions can’t touch her. She is precious. How do you treat precious items? You take care of them.

“The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” In layman terms she is never out here scheming on her husband. She is not unfaithful. She is loyal in deeds and actions so he has no reason to doubt that she is true and honest.

“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” You see that huh? She’s not spiteful or malicious. She loves her husband and does him good all her life. How many of us get mad and take it out (whether fairly or not) on our spouses? It’s hard. Our tongues can be wicked.

The Proverbs woman is described in much more detail as someone who makes her own clothes, rises when it is dark to take care of the house, etc. She’s pretty amazing. But, if you know that you’re not the Proverbs woman but a good woman then you should definitely have some of these characteristics:

  • Loves God
  • Faithful 
  • Supportive
  • Follows her husband (i.e. submits because he’s being led by God)
  • Knows her worth
  • Takes care of herself (physically, mentally, spiritually and financially)
  • Is his help mate

So, there you have it. The details/characteristics of a good woman. This is by all means not an inclusive list. There are many more things to add. We all can’t be the “Proverbs woman” which seems impossible because she is exceptional, but being a good woman means knowing your worth and bringing more than a big booty and a smile to the table.

It’s Already October

Today is the first day of October and I can’t believe it. The year has flown by. But, I welcome October like the wonderful month it is. Why? Because it’s time for sweaters and boots and thick cozy socks. It’s time for pumpkin patches, haunted houses and hay rides. It’s time for hot apple ciders and fire pits.

Here are my 5 Goals for October:

  1. Take Munch to a pumpkin patch
  2. Do our fall photo shoot
  3. Attend a friend’s wedding
  4. Spend some family time with Mr. C and our kids
  5. Take Munch trick or treating

I can’t wait. This is the 10th month of the year and 2016 is almost over. I hope you make this an amazing October and enjoy the cooler month.

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